New Mom Asking for Advice from Grandmas

You’re anticipating a bit too far ahead - baby not due for a while yet! Only advice I’d give is to breastfeed if possible - direct feeding, not pumping. That way, you’re the only one that can feed your baby, at least for first months and you have a good reason to keep him close to you.

You are the mother and therefore you dictate the rules. TBH I'd welcome visits (not overnight) and help but I'd feel inclined to supervise until you feel confident (if you ever do) that she can be trusted alone with your precious baby.

You need to emphasise that you'll be doing things in your own way, agreed with your husband. You expect her to follow your rules and that's not negotiable. If you show her affection she should realise that it's best to comply.

I have four children and six grandchildren (so far) and I've learned to offer advice only when asked for it. There are lots of different ways to look after babies and we tend to revert to old habits unless we have clear instructions.

Sometimes, though, they don't react to Granny in the same way as they would with Mum. An example, nap time at home and they drop off easily in their cot, whereas here they would cry. So I might rock them to sleep in my arms or take them out in the pushchair instead. I try to follow their routines despite not using them when I was a mother.

I'd worry about essential oils and I'm most concerned by the anti-vaccination ideas as it can be so dangerous. I don't totally trust doctors myself but I'm a firm believer in vaccination. A brand new car seat would also be essential for my peace of mind. 'It turned out fine' is no comfort if there's ever a crash!

newmom said: "she shouldn't be babysitting our baby unsupervised or come over unannounced. "

Reading all the (valid) concerns about her, I would say, stick to your gut feeling on that and tell her you and your husband want to have lots of time to bond with your baby before you let him venture into the wider world of family and friends, but make sure that rule applies for your own mom for now too. That way your mother-in-law's feelings will not get hurt. Just be firm with her but kind, and do allow her time to see the child regularly.

I feel that paternal grandparents usually get less time with the grandchildren; it seems natural that a woman feels more at ease with her own mother, but as long as we do get to see the kids and can build a bond, it is OK.

You haven’t had the baby yet but are already discussing boundaries? Good grief.
Might you possibly be overthinking things?
Babies don’t come with a rule book for parents or grandparents and most of us muddle along generally guided by love for our adult children and their new little one.
You can “keep the DIL/MIL relationship loving and respectful “by being just that, not drawing up a battle plan or guidelines or a handbook for an event some months off.

OPs concerns are valid....her child, her rules. I practically brought my daughter's two (they are now teenagers).......never ever have I smacked them. I have smacked my own children, but never the grandchildren.
I understand your safety concerns. For example, today, my 11 month old grandson (son's baby) fell off his table seat, right under my nose. I felt so bad. My d.i.l. had just gone to the next room. I dont know how it happened. But I feel so guilty.
I'm sure my d.i.l. doesn't blame me.
I think you and your m.i.l. will be ok. You have to make her understand. I always took a chocolate bar for the older boy, but d.i.l. told me that he is not allowed chocolates after 6. Fair enough, he is in bed by 7 - 7.30. A sugar rush at bedtime is not advisable. And I understand.
It's all about a happy medium.
You seem to be a fair d.i.l.
Good luck for the future and here's to good family relationship xx

Thank you all for the feedback. I especially appreciated the comment about making sure my mom doesn't get more privileges at first. Luckily, my mom has very different expectations for grandparenthood and doesn't expect to be a babysitter - nor am I looking for one. My family doesn't spend as much time together as my husband's does.

It does seem premature (not due for 3 months!) for me to be worrying about this stuff...but I am. Last night after hearing of another incident involving my mother in law my husband stated, "She won't be watching our child," before going to bed. I told him while our concerns were valid and will be addressed I thought that banning her outright may be a bit too harsh and that maybe we do need to think more into our approach. I guess his statement shook me a little and woke me up to the possibility of future conflicts I've never had to face before.

She will most definitely be invited over weekly and I'll make sure to send her random photos and videos of silly baby things. We have our in laws over for dinner often as they do us. I also wouldn't mind taking little one on outings with her.

Lots of red flags here. I think you should write her a letter to say exactly what you want for your baby. Think yourself lucky that your baby is not her first grandchild!! She does sound very unstable. You need the support of your DH as the gatekeeper when baby arrives!

She potentially put a child's LIFE at risk. Heat stroke is no laughing matter, especially for little ones. She's laid a hand on her GC for punishment.

That alone tells me she is not safe to leave alone with a child. EVER. If she throws a fit, I'd be telling her she will not see your LO until she apologizes and behaves herself. Every time she disregards a boundary, she gets one warning. If she continues, the visit is over. Period. She can abide by your rules, or not see her GC. Her choice.

Do I need to just accept that this won't be pretty at first and she'll have to get over it

Yes.

I'm absolutely on your side and even though your baby isn't born yet, it's very sensible indeed to think and plan about things which worry you. No point in waiting until they happen and then wondering why you have no defence in place.

This lady has, unfortunately, proven she really cannot be trusted to respect the rules other Moms have laid down and your husband knows it may come to it that you don't allow her to look after your precious child until he's much older - and she has shown she respects all your rules.

I too was trained in childcare and came across dominant grandma's who thought they knew better - including one whose grandchild had Coeliac and to whom she fed chocolate biscuits! "Because they never did his Dad any harm - sheesh!

I'm glad to see you and DH are united in your determination to make sure YOUR rules are obeyed to keep baby safe.

Your husband can tell her she's on trial and she has to earn her Certificate by proving she's prepared to do everything you say - no ifs or buts. Everything.
Your baby, your house, your rules.

If she deliberately flouts them, then yes, I can see her making a very unpleasant situation for you all to deal with - but it will be her not you. Your priority is baby.

She will have to prove from the outset that she can do as she's told and respect your guidelines.

Fortunately, for the first years at least, you never need to leave your son alone with her.

Just as with a toddler, you have to insist on appropriate
and safe behaviours; keep to the rules you've set down, remind her, pick her up on it when/if she ignores them.

Even have some 'time-out' in the sense that if she does anything which puts your son in jeopardy or upsets him (I am appalled by the clapping in the face story!) then she forfeits the next week's visit.

I know this all sounds harsh but I have seen too many nervous Moms letting their own Mom or mil get away with bad/unsafe behaviours because they don't think it is kind or respectful to stop it. And it's hurt the children who rely on Mom and Dad to be their protectors.

I can hardly believe she's done all the unsafe and downright stupid things you say and no one has stopped her from continuing to traumatise children!!

Smacking, startling, burning, neglect and putting their lives at risk? How has she been allowed to get away with it so long?

So you are wise to make plans to stop it before it gets out of hand.

Sorry I think she is positively dangerous! If she was the parent she should have been prosecuted for neglect. She’s not just trying to do things her way she is flouting all safety rules to an appalling level and small children have suffered because of her and she thinks that’s ok?!

I wouldn’t let her have unsupervised contact under any circumstances and am glad your husband already seems so firm. Let him sort his mother out at the beginning and tell her exactly what the rules are and see how you go but this woman is a fruit loop so be very careful

You say that you both have good families whom you love and respect, and that your in-laws already have three other grandchildren who, it seems, they spend a lot of time with. I do question why, if she is so awful with regards to safety issues, when taking care of her grandchildren, do the other parents allow it to continue? Or are they as irresponsible as she seems to be?

If you're going to be a stay-at-home mum, I see no reason why your MiL would need to take care of your baby when it arrives ... or at a later date, why the child would need to have sleepovers with the GPs, unless you need a babysitter on the odd occasion.

At the end of the day, it is your child, and you are the one who decides how things are going to be done, and what is/isn't acceptable to you and your husband. I wouldn't fret too much about it all at this early stage. Just take things one step at a time, and deal with each issue as it arises. As long as you deal with things tactfully, and have the same 'rules' for both sets of GPs, so as not to offend either, then no one has a right to complain, or to feel they are being singled out. If she doesn't like your way of doing things, that's tough, she'll just have to get used to it.

Really, don't worry yourself over this right now. Just work things out as you go along ... which is what most of us have to do ... parents, and grandparents alike!

She wouldn't be around my children period! She shouldn't be around anyone's child for that matter. A times you have to say your thoughts without caring how others may perceive it. Especially if it concerns your children.

I think that's way too harsh MovingOn. The husband would be upset if his mum were banned. I see no harm in supervised visits with rules.

The OP's husband seems sensible and aware of the problem. The OP herself trained and worked in childcare/education. They won't be letting her take over - but she's still a mother and grandmother, part of the family.

This lady has previous. The problems your sister-in-law has had show this clearly and her behaviour is intrusive and goes way over the limit. Smacking a child, carelessness with child safety, and pushing anti-vaccine views on you are all warning signs.

I think when your child is born, life with her, to begin with, with be very difficult - and here I am going to do some dividing and ruling. You say your parents are utterly reasonable and I assume that they know and understand the problems you have with you MiL. So why not sit down with them and draw up some rules that you can say that you wish both sets of grandparents to follow once your son is born.

It will make it a bit easier to insist on the rules when you can say they apply to both sets of grandparents and it is not fair to have one set of rules for one that are ignored by the other. Rules can then be added or abstracted from as your child develops.

I think you also need to have an ultimate sanction and be prepared to use it. The point when that is used would probably be when she turns up unannounced and unexpected on your doorstep, despite constant warnings, and you tell her kindly that she has arrived at an unsuitable time that is very inconvenient for you (you do not need to say more than that) and that she cannot come in and you firmly close the door in her face.

M0nica is right - be firm, be fair, be kind, be consistent.

@Hety58 no one has time to supervise a grown adult whilst supervising their children. The only harsh thing I see is her obvious abuse toward he grandchildren. But let's blanket this abuse and sweep it all under the rug because but she's still a mother and grandmother, part of the family I'm surprised no one has called social services on her - which would have been the common recommendation by most on her had this been a parent doing this as opposed to a grandparent. She's abusive! But let's keep the excuses rolling.

Hety58 If this was your own daughter doing this to your grandchildren would you recommend supervised visits? And brush it off as her still being family? Or would you take additional steps to protect the abused grandchildren from the abusive parent?

Hety58, Go back and read the OP. Her BiL and wife have been having just the same problems and the Grandmother is ignoring everything that has been said to her.

Go to the paragraph starting For the past four years, we have watched her disregard my sister in law's rules with her son as well as criticize all of her children's ways of parenting: and read on.

Do you really think a woman who does what is listed in the continuation of the above paragraph will take any notice of
supervised visits with rules.........They won't be letting her take over. Read again what this woman has done when the rules have been clear - just ignored them amd done what she wants to do regardless of others.

It's great that your husband is in total agreement with you so I would let him deal with any major disagreements with his mother and you step back from that, leaving you to deal with ongoing minor ones.

As she lives close by, I think once a week visits are a bit harsh, but I would suggest that none of them involve times near or after bedtime. Just say, 'Sorry it's not convenient at the moment, come tomorrow at 2pm', and close the door. Do not engage in a long drawn out conversation at the door. Also, during day time sleeps, put your child in a different room to the one you socialise in and don't open the door to let anyone have a peek except for you or your husband!

Like you said, the odd biscuit never hurt anyone unless there are serious allergies. In that case, a full list of 'Nos' needs to be given to her and if she chooses to ignore that then you have to tell her that you are sorry but she will not be able to have unsupervised access EVER because she can't be trusted.

If she crosses a boundary then tell her the consequences and why e.g. 'You took ... out in the sun without sun cream and he got badly burnt and, whether that has increased his cancer of skin cancer later on in life or not (find a medical article), it was totally irresponsible, so you will not be able to take... to the beach until you can prove you have changed your ways'.

Lastly, have a family meeting and tell the other family members to grow a backbone and ride on your coat tails and be firmer with her as her behaviour needs to change across the whole family as I can't see her adapting her behaviour to different family dynamics.

IF she really is this bad - and you paint a dreadful picture of a woman who does everything her way, disregards the parents, and is downright is CRUEL to her grandchildren - ie: waking them up in the evening to take them with her -

(WHY ON EARTH DID THE CHILD'S PARENTS LET HER DO THIS? Why did the child's parents not say "No, stay out of his bedroom!"very firmly and bar her way if she was hell-bent on going to take a sleeping child from his bed?

No one would side with this horrendous woman!

It doesn't add up. Sorry.

Then she keeps sleepy grandchildren awake until nearly midnight by slapping their faces because it suits her????

Is this a wind-up or a way of telling us Grandmothers have NO IDEA what they are doing?

Any parent with working brain cells WOULD tell her off and probably forbid her having the grandchildren until she was less abusive!!!!

I can only say your family make pretty lousy parents if they stand by and let this monster abuse their goodwill and their children.

I suspect we have a bit of game- playing going on with this thread.

Yes I was concerned by some of the content of the original post Day6 who would continue to allow this woman access to their children, grandmother or not.

I agree Day6 and sodapop who would have anything to do with this woman themselves. Don't know why but it was the mention of the used 8 year old car seat that finally sealed it as a wind up for me.

I agree with the last two posters, this has to be a joke. I am trying to imagine my ac reaction to somone slapping their children!

I initially gave up half way through this lengthy diatribe but have now read through to the end and frankly, I reserve judgement.
Is it the plot for some misery memoir or a guide to all the hypothetical possible dangers a new mother faces?
Finally the 8 year old car seat saga- I was not aware they could “expire” and I know DD borrowed one from her older sister which was 5 years old -a Maxi- cosy isofit - no problems.
I strongly advise you emigrate.