A dil who needs advice ☹

there are quite a few good ideas for you already but I would turn these comments back on her. I like the approach by mumofmadboys. Don't insult her in return but I have often asked the person concerned to repeat what they have said
eg
' sorry I didn't catch that' .Don't put up with this or it will inevitably create division between you and her son.

nasty woman.
remember that you hold all the power now.

I wouldn't retaliate aggressively. That takes you down to her level. However, I did read a suggestion on here recently where the MiL was looked directly in the eye and asked 'Did you enjoy saying that?' That method appeals to me greatly but happily I never had occasion for anything confrontational in my relationship.

Anyone else noticed the OP hasn't come back? Will most of the new names disappear when this thread ends?

You need to stand up to this woman NOW!! Why don't you say something like 'Why do you always make nasty comment?" or "I'm so lucky that DH doesn't take after you as you seem to enjoy being so nasty to me, he must take after his dad/uncle/cousin etc!" This won't go away and as for the advice to 'laugh it off' this will just get bigger as she will think she can get away with saying anything to you. How long do you think that it will be before this will start causing problems with you and your husband. You're a new mum, you have enough to deal with without this nasty woman making this very nasty comment. Please take this advice - I know, I have been in exactly the same situation. I tried to 'keep the piece' or 'hope things will improve' - it doesn't.

What a cow. Chin up big knickers on. Next time say that was not a nice thing to say. Ask her if her mil was as rude to her as sheis being to you. Remind her that you are very happy with your husband and your lovely son and hope that she wants to be part of your family. Good luck

"... MIL has always been overbearing and controling ......wanted her to accept me... said hurtful things to me and made me feel worthless ."

Typical passive aggressiveness! Two things come to mind....the first is that you need to stand up to her because she's also a bully. Bullies are emboldened by submissiveness. Wanting to be accepted by her may have actually been counterproductive. Remember also that she needed to earn your affection as well. Whatever you do, going forward, don't let her sense any vulnerability on your part.

Be kind and polite at all times, but especially firm and assertive when she behaves badly. Don't hesitate to call her out on her BS. "What did you just say to me?!....or "What makes you think it's OK to call me names or to disrespect me?" or "I hope this is the last time you use that kind of language in front of my son!" Start 'correcting' her and the earlier, the better. Stand up for yourself and for your son! If you do it right, she'll learn to respect you and more importantly, to keep her passive vitriol to herself.

I had a similar mil to yours and I endured hurtful comments for many years. My husband told me to ignore her saying that she “ didn’t mean it.”
I suspect she thought she could get away with it as she was the only mother. My mother died when I was very young. I told her once that if my mother was still alive I would only visit her. To be fair we had a much better relationship when she was v elderly. She thanked me for being such a good friend to her and her family 3 weeks before she died

You are not being over sensitive, she is obviously a cow , I’d comment back with “ooh that’s funny he always reminds me of you when he’s straining to fill his nappy!” If she doesn’t appreciate the joke , you can tell her that you didn’t either, joking apart, nip this in the bud or it will only get worse, either ending in a massive row or the end of your marriage.

TinyTink, you lovely lady, there’s lots of good advice here. At the risk of simply adding more I would combine three.
1. Several people have advised you to ask her to repeat the comment. Excellent advice, followed by the advice of agnurse on page 1.
2. If she is hard faced enough to repeat what she said, you can tell her to apologise. Difficult I know, so
3. Again lots of people’s advice: practice in the mirror.
Finally, the real power struggle winner, take your baby and say, ‘You can go now’. Those 4 little words show that you are calling the shots. Your house, your baby. Open the front door and stand there. That one is really hard to do but powerfully effective.
Be prepared, she will complain to your husband. Have the conversation with him so he’s ready when she does.
He needs to be able to tell her that you love to have her at your house but you won’t be insulted in your own home. You’re looking forward to her next visit. You want to have a good relationship with her and so on.

Most of you seem to have experience of awful behaviour, I count myself very lucky not to know anyone like this or anyone who would retaliate as so many have. I would always put kindness first, have you heard the expression "kill them with kindness" it often works far better than retaliation.

Next time she says something unpleasant, look her in the eye and calmly ask her 'why would you say that?'
99 times out of a 100 this makes people squirm...

As a husband I find your MiL's behavior disgusting. So my view maybe seen to be harsh.

It is time to sit your husband down and make it clear that firstly he has to get some spine and slap his mother into her place. Secondly I don't think that the MiL should be any longer welcome in your home until she apologises for her past behaviour and undertakes to behave properly in the future.

If your husband cannot support you in this you and your child would be better without him.

I would have looked at the baby and said "ooh grandmas a nasty woman isnt she . My face is a lot less ugly than hers "
Then laughed.
The baby is way too young to understand if you keep your tone quiet but granny will get the message.

My other tactic with a difficult relative was in the moment nasty comment was made I collected belongings and walked out. After 2/3 times it stopped because she knew what she was doing!

I choose not to ignore these things because in my experience they just carry on or get worse. I would text email write to her and say I’m not ok with the resting bitch comment or other nasty remarks and if her DS and DGS mean anything to her she should be more careful in the future because you won’t tolerate it. Remind her it’s not in her interests to destroy her relationship with you regardless of how jealous or insecure she is. Maybe it’s good to Say You want to have a good relationship with her and that is why this must be dealt with in the open before resentment sets in ! Comments don’t bother me but I still don’t allow people to insult me. Usually they are the type nobody has stood up to and I don’t mind being the one who does.

My own mother made similar remarks. I had very good reason to suggest turning it into a joke as she's unlikely to change. If she craves drama and is desperate for a reaction and/or escalation to a quarrel then you simply play right into her hands when you try to stand up to her.

She will absolutely hate being repeatedly told how funny she is. She will despair when she discovers how easily you brush off her nasty comments.

Believe me, that's the way to deal with her. Don't give her any ammunition, just be extra friendly and polite.

Only your husband should chastise her, if necessary, with something like 'How dare you talk about my wife like that!' Put him in charge of dealing with her but never, ever, show hostility or hurt feelings as that's just what she wants.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I agree with Smileless2012 and plus, you sound like a lovely gentle lady and so no doubt she knows she'll get away with it. Tough as it may seem, try to prepare yourself for when she says her next bitc**y comment and then slowly and calmly repeat (in 'question form') what she just said

eg.... "when he does his bitch resting face????" and just calmly hold her gaze!!

You're not insulting her, you're not arguing with her BUT you are reflecting her nasty comment right back at her... I've used this method to good effect, it usually shocks people and if you can hold your nerve, makes them squirm. Afterwards if just get on with what you want to do and leave her to think. Either way, I really hope you can find the courage to stand up to this nasty woman x ?

Yes MIL is rude to say the least.

You could respond by saying something like - that may be so but if he can hold his tongue and be polite to the nastiest of MIL's then he is my boy for sure, then turn and smile.

You will be feeling particulary sensitive at present but you must not let her control you with this sort of behaviour.

Tinytink, you are not being unreasonable, over emotional etc. The comment your mil made was not nice. This is alpha female behaviour designed to establish her as the dominant female. Not OK behaviour.

As so many discussions on GN are about, when our offspring have their own families it is time for us oldies to take a step back. We have had our time running our own families and it is time to graciously and lovingly hand over to the next generation - offering our support if needed and requested. If we have done our job properly then we should be very confident that our adult children are well and truly able to manage their own families themselves. (And I do understand that in some particular situations that is not always the case.)

If such a comment is made again I would suggest saying, very politely, that it was a hurtful and derogatory comment and if she can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all. I would add that you are happy to have her support and assistance provided that she understands that the baby is yours and your husbands, not her baby. Any thoughts and contributions she may wish to make will be taken into consideration and under advisement.

You need to have some honest and open discussions with your husband about this issue and about boundary setting. You do need to be both singing from the same song book.

Good luck Tinytink, I think you are going to need it. ?

I think you need to ‘train’ her, a bit like you would with a dog. So whenever she says something rude you smile and say ‘well that was a bit rude wasn’t it?’ And at the same time you go to her and take the baby off her and play with the baby so she loses out on time with him. If she is not holding the baby you find some other was of keeping him away from her like cancelling her next visit. Be consistently friendly so that there’s nothing for her to complain about but she will soon get the message that being unpleasant to you means that she misses out of baby time.

Maybe I'm not as polite and/or tolerant as a lot of people on here, but I would flat out confront her nastiness. I would say something like "I'm happy with any look my child has and will remain so as long as he doesn't grow up as ugly and spiteful on the inside as his paternal grandmother"! I would also say how lucky I am to have a wonderful husband who hasn't taken on the nasty streak his mother has, and how amazing it is that he has turned into a decent human being despite the example she has set - that it gives me hope my child will be OK if he's like his dad as you know it is not a family defective nasty-gene that courses through the generations!

I don't think this is anything to do with you being sensitive or hormonal - this is about a spiteful woman being horrible to the woman she feels as 'stolen' her son! Ignore, talk to your husband (and make sure he fully supports you) and if your mother-in-law can't be civil tell her she's no longer welcome. Personally I would've told her to f**k off already! Good luck. Oh, and congratulations on having your lovely baby, whatever faces he makes grinning

Wow! People on here very passive, I would have lifted him straight out of her arms and said “Don’t you dare insult or be rude to me in friont if my child or it will be the last time you hold him.”
Sod putting up with that - YOU have the trump card now - son of her precious son - YOU have all the control - let her know that loud and clear. Tell your DH exactly what she said - don’t allow him to pass it off a joke or a misunderstanding and tell him that he can get her to behave - or you will.
Really - this needs to stop right now.

If I didn’t know better as my ex mother in law has died yeArs ago. I would actually think it was the same woman. I feel your husband could have a word with her it’s very hurtful behaviour. It says so much about this woman’s character, I’ve never really understand why someone would try and put others down.i actually wouldn’t turn it into a joke as it’s not funny. Why should you be the butt of her pathetic jokes love.brilliant answer mealybug! Congratulations on your new arrival