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A dil who needs advice ☹

(144 Posts)
Tinytink1919 Mon 09-Sep-19 15:03:42

I am going to try to make this short but desperately need advice. My MIL has always been overbearing and controling with her son, my husband. First time she met me she told me she will always be number #1 in his life. I have always tried to be nice, courteous and respectful, wanted her to accept me since me and my own mother don't have a relationship. Fast forward to now we have a beautiful son. Her first grandchild. She is over the moon of course! I'm so happy she loves him so much. While I was pregnant she said hurtful things to me and made me feel worthless. Now the baby is here and of course she got a bit nicer, until yesterday...this is my question.....she was holding my son and said he looks just like Micheal ( my husband) but looks like you when he does his resting bitch face...then goes grrrr and makes an ugly face. I was speechless didnt know how to take it. I walked in the other room and cried not sure if I was hurt or terribly mad. My question is am I being overly sensitive, or was this a jab at me? How do I put on a happy face when I see her? Was that rude? Why would she even say that? Just want some advice hopefully you nice woman can give me some insight, thankyou.

Nellie098 Mon 09-Sep-19 15:26:46

She does not sound a nice person and it was a very hurtful comment but one way to combat remarks is to agree. Just say "yes you are right" and walk away before you say anything else. You know it is not true as does your husband but store this comment for another day as I am sure it will not be the last. It that was me, once she had left I would probably let my frustration out, but not on anyone. Try it a few times, the agreeing that is and see what happens.

Hetty58 Mon 09-Sep-19 15:33:48

Good advice from Nellie and might I add that you turn it into a big joke next time. Just say 'OH, you're SO funny!' and laugh your head off. Practise in front of a mirror so you'll be ready!
It can be like water off a duck's back then.

Tell your husband that if she says hurtful things in front of him, you expect him to put his foot down with her, though.

Smileless2012 Mon 09-Sep-19 15:42:53

My advice is to nip it in the bud now. How old is your baby?

As a new mum you have so much to think and I dare say worry about without having to worry about your m.i.l. making unnecessary and hurtful comments.

In your position I wouldn't turn it into a joke, I'd tell her that I found it offensive and I wasn't going to be spoken too like that. She may, if a similar thing happens again say that she was only joking but by standing up to her, with any luck she'll be more guarded with her remarks.

I hope you get this sorted and congratulationsflowers.

tanith Mon 09-Sep-19 15:50:07

She sounds like a nasty piece of work horrible woman. Does your husband know she’s so awful? I too would have a job keeping my mouth shut and want to make sure she knows you won’t stand for it.
I do hope your husband supports you. Good luck.

Nonnie Mon 09-Sep-19 16:05:49

She may have thought it was funny! You may be super sensitive because of your hormones. Please don't take any notice or do anything drastic, if not for yourself then for your DH. Does it really matter? In the overall scheme of things do you really care if she thinks that?

I know families love to think the baby looks like their side and only see what they want to see. Perhaps you could say the age old thing "all babies look like Winston Churchill"?

Not everyone is blessed with empathy so you can be the bigger person and not take it personally.

As time goes on your baby is going to grow into a toddler who will look most like the person he spends most time with. One of my GSs looks like his father and one like his mother but now the younger one is taking on the expressions of the older one and looks more like him.

Please don't be upset, it really isn't worth it. flowers

Mealybug Mon 09-Sep-19 16:10:56

Tell her he must get it from her then as he looks so like their side of the family, nasty woman, she won't know what to say.

crazyH Mon 09-Sep-19 16:15:59

What a nasty woman - my d.i.l.s don't realise how lucky they are 😂

mumofmadboys Mon 09-Sep-19 16:16:39

Could you say 'Did you mean to be quite SO rude?' with a quizzical look on your face? And then say'I sincerely hope not!!'

Daisymae Mon 09-Sep-19 16:35:27

It was of course a very rude and hurtful thing to say. I guess it's going to be her way forward, anything she sees as a positive trait must come from her side of the family. I would be inclined to laugh it off. She is obviously a very silly woman but she's not going to go away so finding a way where you can ignore any hurtful comments us the way to go
Enjoy your time with your new baby and don't allow her to mar this special time.

Poppyred Mon 09-Sep-19 16:45:39

Nip it in the bud now or it will only get worse! Good advice from mumofmadboys.

Grammaretto Mon 09-Sep-19 17:02:39

Pretend to be deaf and make her repeat it. It's hard to repeat such a nasty thing.

Tell her you didn't marry her son because of his mum but despite her!

I hope I am not an awful MiL. I adore all the DGC and admire all their parents. It's the only way.
I hope you find a way to manage her and protect yourself from the nasty remarks.

Fiachna50 Mon 09-Sep-19 17:35:16

This woman won't change, sounds passive aggressive and Im assuming (perhaps wrongly) your husband was not present when this was said. I would let this pass BUT if she decides to continue with this behaviour, I suggest you speak to your husband and the two of you speak to her together. I agree with the previous poster who said "nip this in the bud" if you dont this woman will make your life hell. What is it with these women? I would be trying to help my daughter-in-law with her new baby, not trying to make her life a misery. Don't put up with this nastiness for one second. I really cannot get over that she said this to you. Terrible thing to say to a young mum.

notanan2 Mon 09-Sep-19 18:37:09

Wont be that long until the child starts to take in what she is doing.

Child will either learn its okay to be like her
Or will learn to "take" that sort of treatment from others if they see you brushing/laughing it off.

Septimia Mon 09-Sep-19 18:48:07

I'd be inclined to say 'Oh, he reminds me of you when he looks like that!'

But better, perhaps, to say 'If you can't say something nice, don't say anything!'

However you decide to deal with it, it's her who has the problem. Is your FiL around? He must be/have been much nicer than her and your husband must take after him - I hope.

quizqueen Mon 09-Sep-19 18:51:02

You need to grow a backbone and stand up to this woman NOW or things will get a lot worse. If she upsets you at her house, just pick up the child and leave. If it's at your house, ask her to leave and, if she refuses, say it is unlikely she will be invited very often again if she continues to make such awful comments. Make sure your husband is on your side and you face her as a united front.

If I was on mumsnet, I tell you to say, 'I don't know how(hubby) turned out to be so nice when he has such a bitch for mother!' and smile.

SirChenjin Mon 09-Sep-19 19:18:20

I wouldn’t laugh it off or try and come back with some witty retort as she sounds like the sort of person who will store this up and use it to paint you as the bad person. I’d call her out on it - tell her that her comments are not funny, they are incredibly rude and unless she starts being civil she is no longer welcome. Your DH needs to back you up on this - you’re a partnership and if you present as a couple she’ll come to realise you mean business. She sounds awful.

sodapop Mon 09-Sep-19 19:42:38

You may be a little over sensitive at the moment tinytink1919 but that was a really rude remark from your mother in law. I think you need to stand up to her now or she will continue in this way. As others have said you need to present a united front with your husband.
Congratulations on your new baby, enjoy your life together.

agnurse Mon 09-Sep-19 21:52:48

That was extremely rude, and I agree, that asking her did she mean to be so rude is probably appropriate.

If it continues, I'd suggest setting a boundary. "MIL, that was extremely hurtful. You will apologize for that remark and not repeat it or similar, or this visit will be over." Then follow through.

If she continues to be nasty, then you may need to stop visiting her altogether. I'd only recommend that, though, if she doesn't start behaving appropriately.

SisterAct Mon 09-Sep-19 22:15:15

Appalling behaviour Make a note of what she said. Ensure your husband knows and will back you if anything else is said. Also as others say if in your own home say you will not accept such rudeness and if in hers leave

I have 2 sons both with young children and wouldn’t dream of speaking to my DILs like you have been Good luck

janeainsworth Mon 09-Sep-19 22:22:44

I’ve always very much disliked the b-word and had to google ‘resting bitch face’ as it made no sense to me.

The Urban Dictionary has this definition:
‘A person, usually a girl, who naturally looks mean when her face is expressionless, without meaning to’

It really seems a strange expression to use to describe a baby boy.

It’s a bit late now, but perhaps the best response would have been to put MiL on the spot by asking her to explain exactly what she meant by it. I suspect she hadn’t a clue.

Eloethan Mon 09-Sep-19 22:24:42

What on earth does it mean anyway - a "resting bitch face"? I'm sure I would have done the same as you - gone away and cried but I agree that really she should not be allowed to be so hurtful. I think, ideally, the response should be "What do you mean? If you meant it to be funny, it isn't - I find it hurtful".

Nonnie I can't see what is "super sensitive" (due to hormones!) about feeling upset by this remark. It was just plain nasty and if that's somebody's idea of a joke, I don't think it's funny.

Tinkytink Is your husband aware that his mother makes these sorts of remarks? Did you tell him about this incident and, if so, what was his reaction?

FarNorth Mon 09-Sep-19 22:34:25

Definitely be prepared to take her up on it if she says anything nasty again.
It's not a joke if no-one is laughing (except maybe MiL), it's bullying.

BradfordLass72 Tue 10-Sep-19 00:01:05

She's a B with an Itch ! smile and people who are allowed to get away with this sort of behaviour just get worse. She's proof of that.

First, it might be wise to talk this over with your husband so you can show a united front. Then both sit down with her (without baby) and tell her calmly, you are not prepared to tolerate this rude behaviour as you fear it will impact on your son, when he overhears such nastiness - and she is putting your whole relationships in jeopardy.

'You don't really want us to stop you seeing baby or visiting us, do you? Well, we think reasonable, polite behaviour is not too much to ask.'
You MUST be firm. She can be as rude as she likes in other houses but NOT in yours.

It's important to have your husband's support, otherwise she'll wait until he isn't there, and sneer at you.
If this happens, tell her, 'These days, it's so easy to record things on mobile phones, shall I play that to your son and see if he agrees with you?'

She needs to be in no doubt at all that YOU are in charge in your own home. She's gotten away with this despicable behaviour for far too long.

Of course she'll have a paddy, bullies bluster when the victim finally turns on them but with any luck, she'll do it your way.

Flossieturner Tue 10-Sep-19 07:22:36

I do feel for you as my Mother was like this, using barbed comment my whole life. These type of people are very difficult to challenge. They will say things like,”I was only, joking, you are too sensitive “. Something she has already got into your head. Others just love the drama and are desperate for you to react.

You are certainly not being over sensitive but it is very hard to be assertive. I would get a book on assertiveness and practice saying the phrases over to yourself so that they become second nature.

You need non combative neutral sentences that hit home. With the ‘Resting Bitch Face’ comment I would reply. “I don’t mind how his face looks. I will be happy just as long as he does not grow up rude and spiteful”.

It is hard to think on your feet in these circumstances, so, replies that won’t feed her ego or her competitiveness, are best stored, and practiced, for use when required.