Uninvolved granny

Same here, Gagajo, LOL! I often feel taken for granted when I help out DD. But I do it for my DGC. And for myself b/c I enjoy the extra time w/ them.

However, I understand that some GPs are just not into watching or even spending time w/ their GC, for whatever reason. Charlotte, I'm sorry your mum is this way, but apparently, she has always been this way, even as a mum. Still, the idea that she might not want to interfere is not w/o merit. Have you invited her over or asked her to help out in any way? If so, and she declined or wasn't very enthusiastic about the GC, then I guess, unfortunately, she isn't that interested.

I'm so sorry about your struggles w/ depression, etc. Could any of that be b/c your mum was so distant when you were a child (sigh)? If so, would you really want her coldness around your children? Perhaps they are better off w/o having her around that much, sad to say.

TG for DH and MIL! I know you'd like your mum to be more like MIL, but she's not. I suspect you had a vision of her being thrilled when she had GC and becoming more interested in children, but clearly, that hasn't happened. IMO, that's just a fantasy and you need to let go of it. Please focus instead on enjoying your MIL's relationship w/ your kids. And, of course, continue to enjoy your own relationship w/ them and DH (and MIL, too, even though you disagree on some things).

I'm a doting granny AND a full-time teacher. I help my daughter a lot with my grandson but frankly, she isn't appreciative. I think she's happy that he and I have a lovely relationship, but she totally takes for granted what I do and thinks it doesn't amount to much.

My parents were not around when my daughter was young and my (ex) husband was useless, so I had no help. I just wish my daughter appreciated how much I do, a bit more. But it's all she's ever known so it's taken for granted.

However. I do what I do, for my grandson. So regardless of daughters lack of gratitude, I'll continue.

M0nica spot on.

Should say caring!!

I think the OP, Charlotte , has posted a balanced account of how she feels. She is sad her mum isn't more interested in her children. She is not being demanding. She is simply trying to understand her mum. I feel Monica's response is a little sharp. It obviously saddens Charlotte that her MIL enjoys the children more than her own mum. Charlotte sounds sensitive and daring

My mother lived at the other end of the country when my girls were small . When we visited she wasn’t much bothered about them. MIL was much more interested in them even though she didn’t live near us either.
Over the past 2 years we have had 4 grandchildren. I wondered what I would be like . I love it.
We have the twins 3 times a week and hope the 2 newborns can spend time with us. It is exhausting as they came along later than I expected and I wish I had more energy. But it is a pleasure to see them grow.
I think people should do what they want to in this and in almost all other situations really.

Excellent post M0nica

Thank you, Sodapop. I get on with my daughters quite nicely, I attribute to giving space.

Nothing wrong with that at all Norah I think on GN the majority of Grandmothers want to be totally involved with their families. Those of us who feel differently are in the minority.

I am not a hands on nan, I dont want to take over. I am done raising daughters. My daughters may raise theirs to their standards.

Can sympathise Chewbacca, sometimes I think our children forget 50 isnt 20 anymore. Im convinced after we hit 50 we get more tired easily. Im amazed at these women who give birth at 60 and 70, helluva glad its not me.

Well thought out and articulate post M0nica. Whilst I love the very bones of my GC and help with them a lot, I sometimes feel that the more I do, the more is expected of me and sometimes, I just don't feel up to it. I still work part time but have my GC on the days that I don't work, plus babysitting and overnight sleepovers at weekends. Sometimes I'm just too damned tired to do it. And sometimes, I just want some time to myself.

I have a completely disinterested MiL and an even less interested father. Both grandparents who were interested in their grandchildren are sadly no longer with us. I feel sad and frustrated with the 2 who are left but less so with my own dad because he comes from a long line of disinterested relatives, has always been self centred and made our home life quite unpleasant as we were growing up. My MiL was an infant mistress who was adored by the many pupils she taught over the years and was very close to her own parents who moved to the same town as my MIL after she married my FiL. Her parents were very involved in raising my DH and she and my FiL relied heavily on them for childcare. She has been a hands off grandmother herself and has offered no practical support over the years to DH - and there have been times when we really needed it eg when DS1 had heart surgery aged 2 and DD was 6 weeks old, and we were on our knees.

This thread has been interesting though - it’s always good to get other perspectives. I do sympathise with the OP, but I guess some people are just not going to be hands on GPS for one reason or another.

Definitely agree MOnica

That deserves a round of applause, M0nica.

My goodness, the weight of expectation and conformity thrust on grandmothers, always grandmothers , I not, never grandfathers.

Effectively parents are making their own unilateral decision to have children and thrusting grandparenthood on their parents without ever enquiring whether those parents want to be grand parents. Then to add insult to injury they then present them with a template of what the perfect grandmother is and expect them to conform to it.

The 'perfect' grandmother seems to be someone prepared to put their whole life on hold to serve as personal slaves to their children and grandchildren; constantly on hand, prepared to give every other interest they have to jump to atention to help parents and grandchildren when needed.

It is quite ridiculous. There are no templates, there are no rules for grandparenthood, there is not even a community of grandparents before whose bar other grandparents should be called before and judged.

Their are just adults who come together and have children and may later find they have become grandparents, for some this is the be all and end all of their life, some are horrified at the thought and others prefer the thought in theory rather than practice. However a person acts when a grandparents is not a reflection of the kind of person they are. You can be bored by children yet be warm outgoing with lots of friends and a busy social life.

It seems in this case, someone who is only marginly interested in children (this applies to many teachers) has had grandparenthood thrust upon them. They are delighted and pleased but just not the 'drop everything anytime and rush to help type'. Why should they be.

I think the OP has a rather strange idea about grandparenting. As if all grandparents are cut out of pastry like gingerbread ladies and are identical in every way.

Your mother is the person she always was, and there is no reason why she should be on hand to be whistled for if needed. She is one of the many types of happy loving grandparents.

Some GPs just simply aren't that into the whole "grandparent" thing.

Privileges work both ways. It's your decision as to how much involvement you allow your Mum to have. It's also her decision how much involvement she'd like to have in the first place. By this I mean that she isn't obligated to have your children for 1:1 time or to baby-sit them if she doesn't want to do that.

You may want to have a conversation with her where you indicate that you'd like to see more of her, if she's willing, and what kinds of options would work for her? If she doesn't respond, or says she isn't interested in that kind of relationship, sadly, you need to drop the rope. She isn't required to be involved with your children, because she's an adult, and that's a decision she has to make for herself.

In the meantime, or if she continues to be distant, you might see if you can find a lovely, lonely senior or senior couple in your area who would be interested in adopted grandparenting. My parents are adopted grandparents to a family from their church who are newcomers to the area and don't have any local family support.

Thanks Bridgeit (love thename!)

My mum was never a 'hands on GM' she seemed to prefer our boys when they were babies.

We have 2 GC but due to our estrangement from their father (our son) and his wife we aren't allowed any contact with them, have never seen the youngest and haven't seen the eldest since he was 8 months old.

We're all different of course but I never understood why my mum showed such little interest in her GC, and not being allowed to be a GM, I understand her attitude even less.

Ohhps should read ,Spot on !

Spot only Nannarose .

I'd like to add another perspective, although I don't know how much it applies to posters above. For 3-4 generations now, most adults only spend a small amount of time with very young children. Many grandparents feel quite frightened at being asked to look after babies & toddlers. They find they can't really remember what they did, they know that advice has changed and they find it confusing (and primary age children are a long way from babies!). Most GPs make jokes of it "what way up do they go these days?" and check websites like this one and NHS info so that they can be helpful.
But some aren't really like that - they'd rather just not take on the responsibility and anxiety.
I have, with great sadness, had to say that I can only care for newest GC for very short periods of time, as my arthritis makes me awkward and tires me greatly. I could well imagine that if I had a less understanding family, and a less 'open' personality that I could have just adopted a 'hands-off' approach.
I, like Hilda (lovely response!) wonder if this may change with time and patience, as she sees how you handle them and as they grow. I do hope so.

We have lots of contact with local GC; and less with those further away - unsurprisingly!

An hour and a half feels like one hell of a trip there and back - a lot to ask.

Maybe you are hoping for too much from someone who lives that distance away.

HildaW, what a lovely thoughtful helpful reply for OP, I can also relate to what you have said.

Charlotte74, Thanks for your replies, so nice to be responded too individually, you have good manners.

Its interesting that you mention depression -there are many of us around who have coped/lived with its variations. Mine tips me into anxiety where I over think everything. I read too much into situations and assume the worse. Thus if a DD is a bit short with me I assume we have fallen out, I shall never see her again and have lost all contact with GC!!!!! Yes, in the cold light of day I know its stupid - she's just a bit tired is just not feeling chatty. Its called 'catastrophizing' and is a recognised problem with people in the depressive/anxiety range. I have to remind myself that unless someone actually looks me in the face (or shouts down the phone) and tells me something unpleasant its all in my silly mind.
Try not to read too much into your Mum's behaviour, we can't all me huggy hands-on Grandparents (I want to be but do not have the opportunities - that's life) let her be a more grown-up Grandma, she will probably have more patience with them when they are older and until then just keep the lines of communication open and say from time to time.....'they'd love to go for a walk or have a day out with you' or whatever you think she'd enjoy. Its all to easy to take offense and feel defensive when you are a bit low. All the best.