I don’t know how to handle this, help please

^DH pushed back on me very strongly in a very negative way about this issue around gifts.

I have had some professional input on my own to help me negotiate some relationships better and one of the things I was most strongly advised to do was to not focus on things I felt upset about that MIL did/had done and not to raise them with DH as he responds aggressively.^

Looking back at this thread, this comment you made really concerns me. Not only the aggressive behaviour from DH but that a professional has advised you not to raise issue's. I'm sorry but there's no justification for aggression from your partner because you're upset/hurt by MIL.

I wish I did have fantastic advice for you, I actually think the whole situation is very strange and actually quite toxic.
Imagine visiting a friend on your birthday and being given a gift i.e a book and then as you leave, your friend takes the book from you and tells you it's staying at her house and you can read it when you visit?!!!?

Best of luck going forward because I think you need it.

ahh thats so sad isabel is seeking to be a family member.maybe you should talk to isabel mum .....ask her how she would feel by bil adopting isabel;.children often have ructions when a new child is with them maybe isabel has not had the love and comfort of a family home./maybe she used to getting whats she wants being an only child. set some ground rules here. your home .,your rules maybe talk to bil in thr mum ...as for your mil....well i think a drastic talk is wanted..... good luck..

Have you been asked for an opinion /assistance/help.?
Unless you can say yes to any of these then is it any of your business.It would be your business however were you to observe a child that was unhappy or ill / not being cared for then it would be your responsibility to take action in an appropriate manner.

I have written one post on here and I did NOT criticise the OP. I think she has a lot to handle.

I think that the MIL has to account for her actions though.
The OP cannot tell her children why MIL does what she does. Her actions don't really make any sense to anyone not now there is a new kid in the mix with different rules.

I didn't know about the backstory, but I would suggest that this family reduce the time spent at MIL's home.
I think OP's children will benefit from mixing with other people's kids.

The situation described in the opening post is not easy to understand . I cannot relate to it other than I know that the way Isabel is being handled will not work longterm. I know a family where one child has a different parental situation and is treated "better" ie spoilt. That child is now a disturbed teen who is manipulative and yet fragile. Very hard to get on with or even like.
So I think the OP needs to do a lot of thinking as time goes on because things will not sort themselves out.

I don't have a clue what is going on in MIL's brain but her preference for Isabel will not be an asset to Isabel in the long run.
So I would want to advise OP to avoid visiting MIL and find other friends to spend time with. If she is able to.

I am sorry OP because you have a difficult set up here to deal with.

muffinthemoo
Dear Muffin, I started reading the responses and found many with which i agree and some not, but decided to write before reaching the end of reading all for sake of time as I have to get on with a commitment I took on - so apologies.

Firstly, I want to say that I remember you from previously and have a strong recollection of your very kind common sense and good humour. This comes across abundantly in your posts here. I might even suggest you are too kind and too committed to being fair and seeing the other side and trying not to judge or have an opinion about the ways of others. I am not being judgemental of you in this, rather I am admiring your very generous heart. Here is where I say "but" : But I feel you are being kinder to the other mother than you are to yourself and worse, expecting your little ones to be kinder and more understanding than her little one. It's an invidious situation and I really feel huge empathy for you. Genuine empathy for I had a similar experience.
Briefly: My half sister had two boys, I had three girls. Her eldest was born first, two years older than my first daughter, then her second boy then my second daughter. My youngest was born after a long gap.
We would meet when my mother would invite us all over to see her. We lived further away. I would take a lot of food.
My HS (half sister)'s boys would run riot from the very start, shouting, breaking things, disobedient, swearing, being rude. My mother's attitude: "Boys will be boys." She adored them. I assumed it was because she "just" had us two girls and also because they were my HS's children and she had always made it clear that I was not as loved or as important or as pretty or as good etc as my HS from a different father.
The meetings went on as the children grew up. The boys became more dangerous, hitting the girls who would have bruises, breaking their instruments when they were practising in my old bedroom which the boys had been told not to enter as the girls had imminent exams. When this happened, somehow, although the big boy, about a foot taller, had gone into the room after being told not to, and pushed his cousin to the ground hurting her arm, breaking her instrument - expensive - and causing shock, horror, tears... for some reason, this was turned into my daughter's fault by this boy's mother and my mother - their grandmother, fell in with agreement.
When it was time to leave my mother would parcel up left over food - that I had brought - and hand it to my HS saying how hard it was for her to feed those growing boys.

The unfairness and insults my children received are something I hate myself for to this day. My children now are in their 40s the youngest her 30s. They have children whom they bring up to be polite and do not indulge in the way one sees some children who have so much. I suppose this is "old fashioned" I say it's sensible and the kindest way. Their children are lovely even though I say it as their Granny. We were all together for my 70th this last weekend and the cousins were playing with no arguments and so happily.
What happened to my HS's two boys? They never grew up to have jobs. They have Police records. The eldest, almost 50, has never married, never left home. He is an alcoholic. The younger cannot live at home by Court order, having beaten up his father. He is a drug addict. Their local Police phoned me and advised me never to contact the family and to move so that they cannot trace me. They had made threats on my life when I reported them when they phoned to say they had a gun.
My daughters all have professional level qualifications. Two are full-time mums, running lovely (not "posh") homes, one has an important medical position in a hospital and works part time so as to see her two boys who are sweet and kind and share their things!
Sorry to sound such a boastful Granny but I am telling the truth.
My message - in brief so it will sound a bit harsh, sorry, - is that I wish I had simply said to my children from the beginning that what their cousins were doing was wrong and that we don't do those things because it is not kind. I wish I had not been so middle class and "fair and proper" but had said what I truly believed to my children which was that their half cousins behaved very badly and I was so proud of my girls for the way they coped and that they were kind, did not swear or fight and had good manners since good manners are only about thinking of what is best for others.

Dear Muffin, stick up for your children, gently and kindly, tell them some people are different - we don't know why - and you are so proud of your children because they are kind and they share. Then make sure they have things done fairly. Their toys at their house. Tell Granny, her grandchildren feel slighted by having their pictures removed and those of a badly behaved child put in their place. Tell Granny, her grandchildren do not understand why Granny loves a child who won't share and wets herself on purpose more than she loves them. I'm a Granny of 7 GC and I'm 70. If I am unfair to a little one I want to be told! Straight away! Protect your precious little ones Muffin! They only have you. They come first. Being generous to the newcomer and politically correct won't help your little children. They will feel as if you don't care about their feelings.
Good luck my love. Wish I could speak longer and not be so blunt. You are a good mum. Lots of love, Elle ??

Im not sure if BIL's partner is there with them for these visits or not?i presumed that it meant BIL is sent along with isobel on his own? but then theres no one to make isobel behave as her mums not there& hes not allowed to? Seems a very odd situation to me,yes very odd,could it be that isobels mum lets her get away with everything/is very soft with her,in order to make it up to her for a lack of her father? But that surely doesnt mean youve to let them hurt other kids or steal their things? If BIL has to 'be a parent' to her then that is what he should be doing- 'parenting' her- if she needs telling off ,do it, if she needs a toy taking from her at end of visit,with a firm "no that's to stay here" then that's what should happen.You seem to have right ways of showing your own kids how to behave muffinthemoo,but this childs mum does not- and everyone is pussyfooting around speaking out about it-im afraid you will have to.your MIL sounds as though shes very controlling,but that shes lost the 'control battle' to isobels mother,so theyre all doing what she wants now.and your hubby& his brother sound too weak to stand up to their own mum im sorry to say.But im not sure where this taking down the photos of her own actual GC in favour of isobel comes in?im inclined to say either isobels mum has 'leaned on' your MIL over this or your MIL has some kind of weird behaviour issues your not privvy to,thats worsening as she gets older perhaps? But i personally wouldnt dream of doing that to my GC,i was given a school photo recently of my sons partners child,i proudly put it on display with photos of my own children & Grandchildren.TOGETHER.i certainly wouldnt have took my natural GC's photos down.I find that very odd behaviour indeed.i think id want less to do with all of them muffin.

I don't know how well your children could understand this, but I would try to explain to them something of 'Isabel's' situation- that she has no proper Daddy or Granny and no brothers or sisters to play with and so she doesn't understand how to share or play nicely with other children and gets easily upset. Explain that their Granny feels sorry for her and is trying make her feel happy and welcome by letting her play with their toys and putting her picture up.
Then I suggest you explain the way your children feel to your MiL and ask for her advice on how to explain to your children why their toys are disappearing from her house. If she 'gets' the problem then fine, if not then any presents they receive from her from now on must be brought home.
By the way, there are absorbent sheets you can buy to put over a chair before she sits on it- my DD is using them while she toilet trains our DGS. As has been suggested up-thread I wouldn't make a fuss about the wetting or clothes removal, so she realises that is not a good way to get attention.
Good luck and I hope the situation can be resolved without hostilities!

I feel very sorry for you muffin.... you came here for advice and have found yourself being criticised which seems unfair. Please don’t doubt your own parenting skills or the fact that you care about the people involved in this difficult situation. We are all unique - including ‘Isabel’ - and should be respected for this. I would ask for advice from people who genuinely care about you and yours if I were you. All the best x

I think what I'd say to my children is "It's quite a complicated situation, and I am as confused as you are about what we should all be doing. It's not Isabel's fault. All we can do for now is be the best people we can be and hope it gets easier to understand in the end" It might be easier for the kids to accept if they know the adults are finding it hard too

But yes,that aside,tackle toy situation first,tell your MIL outright that any gifts she buys your own kids this year they will be taking home with them,why shouldnt they? If theyre a gift for that child? If not tell her then you dont want nor need them? Id also refuse to go at christmas or birthdays unless she does allow that to happen.(has she never come to your house to bring their presents,ever,?in which case it makes it harder for her to look 'mean' like shes giving a gift then taking it back?tell her she& their grandad are both welcome to come visit& bring gifts TO YOUR HOUSE,then its easier to accept the gift as 'belonging to that child,in their own home' i personally would let child/children look at each gift then remove them somewhere else by saying "thank you for that lovely toy grandma,lets put it in toy box/bedroom'/wherever, now for later"-she can hardly snatch it back from you/or child then without looking like a mean witch can she?Or give a party somewhere else,like a play place,popular now if theyre getting older(usually age 4-ish upwards) and invite GP's to that,if she brings a gift,take it along with everyone elses,putting them all in a big lidded box to be opened later,if she doesnt bring a gift,tell her to send it to your house later,if she doesnt send or bring one tell her afterwards(when kids cant hear) you dont want it then unless its theirs TO KEEP.this is not teaching your kids not to share,its teaching your MIL boundaries/expected behaviours of how fairly you'd like your own children to be treated.Im also not convinced your own husband couldnt speak up & deal with this to his own mum either,so thats maybe another,different issue?Tell them ALL youd like your own family xmas this year,then get on with that,if they want to bring gifts,TO YOUR CHILDREN,make them welcome,at arranged time,maybe teatime or before bedtime?for an hour or two?I appreciate your kids do play with isobel,but its not sounding to me like they are actually 'fond' of her?more like they are all there together and theyre expected to play/ share with her? Not something they'd choose to do given the choice?(as they are starting to question so many things,theyre obviously strating to think things over for themselves now and not liking a lot about this unruly child who hurts them& 'steals' their things?(in their minds)and no, im not against 'non-blood' related children,some of my own older kids have their partners first child with them and they have 'mingled' with my own GC really well,i dont treat them any different,they all get THEIR OWN presents,TO TAKE HOME,or do with as they wish,i would also be free to be able tell that child off if it were necessary,if doing something wrong,whether its my natural GC or not.i see blatent 'favouritism' here for isobel,yet cant see why,? Unless as i said,that answer lies with your MIL showing 'faves' for her other son?That is another matter for your hubby to tackle with his own mother.But yes you will have to stand up to them all for your own kids sake,and maybe they could,for a little while,spend less time with isobel if its making them upset?Or perhaps they could visit GP's on different days,why always all together?(id still ask FIL to bring any toys that belong to your children especially, to your house for them to keep,why should they not have them,yet theres a different rule for isobel to take what's not even her own toys?Its not right nor fair,i agree with some others should SAME RULES FOR ALL,or no rule.

My dh is not the father of my children but he helped bring my youngest child up and I was perfectly happy for him to direct my youngest son. There were times when he also punished my son. On one occasion my son scraped his car on purpose and my dh took his computer away for one whole month. I was perfectly happy with this punishment. Now youngest son is an adult and has a really good relationship with his step dad, they often chose to go to the cinema together or to go for an Indian meal, so taking directions from my dh did not harm him in any way.

It would make sense for your dc to take their toys home and for MiL to buy a few generic toys for all children to play with. If 'Isobel' pushes your child off his toy then you are perfectly within your rights to tell her no, your child is playing with his toy and she will have to wait for a turn. If a child is going around wetting in public places it really makes more sense to put her in nappies. It is unhygienic when children urinate in public places such as fabric chairs as others have to sit on them too and they are very hard to clean. Who say that your bil cannot direct Isobel when he is in sole charge of her? So if she is doing something dangerous he can't tell her no and stop her. I think in your position I would be spending less time at in laws and would be taking your children's toys home for them to play with. I too do not like bad manners and children who snatch or push others off toys.

Poor Muffinthemoo, she came to us for help and suggestions not harsh critisism. We all do our best as parents/grandparents/friends and none of us are perfect.

In your shoes I would be making a stand this year about christmas presents going home with your children. They are gifts they have been given and therefore now belong to them so should be allowed to take them home! Id probably just pop them in the car at tidy up time!!

Some responses here are quite sharp and judgmental. However I too think that Isobel might, unconsciously, be a 'red herring' for you. Your relationships with your MIL and DH raise questions.
I read an inspirational message yesterday in the Sunday Times magazine. It goes as follows.
'If you really loved yourself , what would you do?'.
You are trying so hard to get things right and to 'people please' because I suspect you are a very nice person.
It might help to get a referral from your GP or even self-refer to a counselling service to just talk these issues through in a non-judgmental safe space.Why? Because you are worth it.

It sounds like your MIL is misguidedly overcompensation Isabel. Unfortunately, apart from upsetting your children she is unwittingly spoiling Isabel who needs to understand the need for sharing and obeying rules. Having boundaries makes a child ( or pet) feel more secure.
I think you need to speak to MIL and explain that your children are hurt and too young to understand why Isobel is being spoilt, and ask her to treat them all equally, especially in relation to the photos. At the same time you can explain to your children that as Isobel is new to the family she should be treated with extra kindness while she settles in.
I would also stop calling MIL’s presents a present, just tell the children that it is something they can unwrap and have the first turn on, but it does not belong to them - it really belongs to MIL.who bought them for everyone to use, not just them (In other words they are not presents). This may annoy MIL but it is the truth and it is better for the children if it is spelled out. If this means they are less keen to visit her, so be it - she cannot have it both ways.

I witnessed a group session the other day where there were 4 three year old boys. I noticed my grandson was boisterous, his friend was rather badly behaved, and the other two were really placid. I take this as an example of the normal variety of behaviour in 3 year olds.

Is there a problem with possessiveness? In my family I am "granny" to children and dogs who are unrelated to me and not all that interested in me. The only possessive person among the people who come to my house is the Yorkshire terrier.

Great post Treelover, I absolutely agree.

I also think that it's important to remember that the relationship between BiL and this little girl's mum has only existed for 12 months... I'm curious about how long they've actually lived together? If only a matter of months then I can understand why he's not 'parenting' her fully too.

yes from the start it was your husband's mother that startled me. No she can't give and keep. I'm so sorry you have to put up with this. And your husband brooks no criticism of his mother's behaviour?...is that 'anything for quiet life' or because he is scared of her? And as for her changing the photographs - this is like gaslighting. You have to protect your children from her first and foremost...but what to do? I'm afraid its war baby...If he wont stand up to her you must. Say you want all the toys that belong to your children with them, OR when she gives gifts to say they are her granny house gifts to make playing at her house fun...but she can't have it both ways she really can't unless you all agreed this was the best way...but now Isabel and child have revealed the cracks..a blessing in disguise. For now tell your childen the truth. That they are their toys but granny wants to keep them. and that you have no dea why their photos have been taken down - ask granny. Granny is obviously putting hooks in Isabel and daughter...you must protect them too. Whatever roles or gender people have; power can corrupt and it is time you showed some metal and took some power from her. And you will have to stand up to your husband for your childrens' sake. I'm sorry if it all sounds a bit dramatic - but I think it is!

Also,there could be underlying reasons(for your MIL) why she is more lenient with isobel,i.e.-does she perhaps believe that your BIL secretly is isobel's natural father perhaps?If no ones ever seen isobels father,and isobels mum has never 'proved' he exists( photos,visits,birth certificate etc) then maybe your MIL is wondering if the child really is her sons child?or at least secretly is hoping so?That might make sense,particularly if your BIL is her 'favourite' son?

In my view the situation is complicated by the fact your MiL doesn't allow any of the birthday or Christmas presents she buys the children to be taken home. I find that very odd to be honest. I can see why some of the children get upset when they see toys of theirs being used by this little girl which granny bought for them. It is good for children to learn to share but I think your MiL would be better having some general toys that are for all the children to play with to enjoyed by all but not anyone's in particular. (Charity shops have lots of good condition toys for sale). I am assuming that the children always receive these gifts at her house on these special occasions. I think I would have had a conversation about this when it all first started and nipped it in the bud from the beginning, harder to do now it's established but maybe it should still be broached anyway.
If your BiL is not allowed to parent this little girl how does it work when he is looking after her on his own as they are living as a family this sounds complicated. I don't really think there is a lot you can do or should do here, apart from speaking to your MiL about the toy arrangement that she has.

I think theres a lot going on here that no ones asking of the right person? Its no good asking FIL why MIL is doing such& such- should you not be asking her direct?,is no one allowed to ask her why she does things directly to her?I had this problem years ago when i first split(then later divorced) my youngest childs dad.(my sons now 16) before the split any gifts he had at home,after it his nanna started to make him keep gifts at their house,so consequently he hardly ever got to play with them,and quickly outgrew them,after he was old enough to question this i asked why he could not take them home with him,(she never actually said outright that it was purely to ensure id bring him for a visit) but that is what i think was the reason,as his dad was living there too! She did however start to let him take his gifts home after that,so maybe if you SPEAK DIRECTLY TO HER,NOT VIA ANYONE ELSE,and point that out to her,that they'll outgrow them or they belong to that child if they're given as a gift,with their name on,she might see the nonsense in at least THAT problem she's created??

I also meant to say that re: sharing Nanny. Perhaps tell them that Nanny has so much love to give that there is more than enough for Isabel too, so it’s nice to be able to share Nanny as Isabel only has one Nanny. (I’m guessing as she doesn’t see Dad)

Hello Muffin, I don't post very often, but feel that I really want to support you. It seems that you are the oil on some very turbulent waters here. No support from anyone who should be supporting you. This is about your children, and I am one of those mum's who turns into a bear when people used to bully (real or imagined) my children. I think you have to decide if you want to change the situation which seems very disadvantageous to your children. If you do then, with no one supporting you, you will have to make a lot of waves and maybe you will have to stand up to both your husband and his parents. If you have no desire to go through all of that, then you just have to find a way of explaining this ridiculous behaviour to your children in your own words. I don't think that what is happening is right. So blended family or blood, friends or any other grouping would be able to tell you what to say to avoid conflict and make it okay, because you are already way past where I would be causing ructions. Good luck Muffin .