Gransnet forums


New grandmother whose daughter is a teen mom

(5 Posts)
KT19 Mon 21-Oct-19 00:54:51

Hi everyone. I'm a new grandmother. I wasn't sure where to post this. I think I'm just looking for a little support and encouragement.

Some background: My teen daughter had a baby this year. (She got pregnant on the Pill.) She is now 19. She managed to graduate high school pregnant and in spite of many physical complications. She made the choice to have the baby, and I have supported her in her decisions along the way. I will admit that this was a difficult situation at first and has been a rough year for us both.

My grandson is healthy and smiles and laughs easily. My daughter is planning to start college classes next year. They both live with me and I'm financially supporting them until she can get on her feet. I work full time and help take care of him to give her breaks.

The baby's father is in their lives. He and my daughter do not have any formal legal agreement but have been working out visitation on their own. I don't interfere, however, I don't allow him in my home because of the way he has treated her and me. He is disrespectful and manipulative. He leeches off me when he can get away with it (eats my food, uses my daughter's car, etc.), and I want boundaries. He is also in his late teens and lives with his mother, and my daughter takes the baby to their home a few days a week so they can spend time together.

I watch my daughter making the same mistakes with him over and over again. She has basically subsumed herself to him because she thinks it will keep him in my grandson's life. (Her own dad left when she was a baby and did not have contact with her, so that may be part of it.)

Anyway, I'm trying to keep things as normal and comfortable as possible in our home for the two of them, but the baby's father kind of infects her with his attitude. She is surly toward me when she's been around him, like she's channeling him. It's very hurtful.

I feel isolated at times and am not always sure what to do. Wondering if anyone else has had similar experiences with kids who became parents at a young age. The teenage years are hard enough without this.

Grannyknot Mon 21-Oct-19 08:05:48

Hi KT congrats on becoming a grandmother.

I'm sorry I can't help with advice because I have no experience of a similar situation, I'm sure someone who can offer support and advice comes along soon.

flowers from me.

wildswan16 Mon 21-Oct-19 08:19:26

It's going to be tough.

Your daughter spends time at her boyfriend's - he/they are welcoming her into their home where presumably she eats their food etc. Yet he isn't welcome in yours. How does your daughter feel about that? Maybe this relationship won't last, but at the moment you are going to have to accept it (and him).

BlueBelle Mon 21-Oct-19 08:20:47

I m not sure you’re looking for advice are you ? You seem to be doing everything right you have set some boundaries and you are helping where you can I m sure youre right her lack of father is probably playing a big part in her trying so hard to keep him involved
Is his mother ok ? Do you have any kind of relationship with her.
They may grow out if each other, they are very young I don’t think you can do more than you are doing and the little chap is obviously well looked after and happy
Pregnant or not teenagers are notoriously awful to parents it’s that pulling away syndrome
Good luck

BradfordLass72 Tue 22-Oct-19 01:23:46

I agree with BlueBelle that they will probably grow apart and I am fairly sure she will see through her manipulative man eventually.

Meanwhile, you need to set more boundaries, this time with your daughter.
She is possibly feeling guilty that she is so depenednt upon you and who knows what he is saying to her?

Don't wait until you are angry with one another before talking to her; sit down at some calm, quiet time and tell her how you feel when she speaks to your disrespectfully.

Assure her you love her but you do deserve respect (from anyone, not just your daughter) and if she has problems with how you speak or act, then you can have a conference to discuss it in a rational manner.

Most of all you need to preserve that bond between you and I would guess its as precious to her as it is to you.

You have done a heroic job so far and far more than most would attempt; it's not easy, that's for sure but you and your daughter should be pulling together, not apart.

I wish you all well.