OVER INDULGENT PARENTS

Difficult one. Stay clear and keep mum. Remember though. In your home nannies rules.

Is the OP still with us?

My in-laws were very kind to me and although I am sure they must have been surprised, at the least, by how we brought up our DC, they kept their own counsel. My own DM, on the other hand, was always ready to offer advice which wasn't often wanted.

I riled my DD recently she hit the roof when I suggested the DGC were watching too much TV.....
I don't recommend intervening if you wish to stay alive a respected member of the family.

Yes I hate you was always a good standby for kids to say, better than them saying f... off. About your problem, well I would just leave it for the parents to cope BUT you could have in your house, your rules and ask the parents to respect this.

The children will learn as they move through life that it is not all about them and they will gradually change.

Mind you some don't Boris springs to mind

I think it is also hard if you see the parents constantly exhausted. You want to help but know that any criticism isn't going to go down well . I believe saying 'no' and leaving it at that is ok, I didn't do smacking but I would tell them that they couldn't do/have something and it did seem to work.
Many years ago I was a nanny for a short while . The kids were treated with kid gloves as though they were delicate flowers by their adoring parents.
I wonder how they are now ?

Children need boundaries if they are able to function as teens and adults.

I despair when I hear the constant, prolonged negotiating between parents and 3/4 year olds.

Then there is the hideous spend fest that is Christmas.

Sorry OP, perhaps the Mum could reflect on her childhood and reconsider some basic rules.

People disagreeing with you should not make you feel a terrible gran. People are free to not agree with you and say so. Feeling a terrible gran is something you inflict on yourself.

I too can sympathise with you norton. I have a similar problem with my DGC being spoiled, in my opinion demanding attention at all times, it's not easy to watch all this happening. My fear is that they grow up cheeky, spoiled little monkeys. However don't look for much support here as I was made to feel a terrible Gran, not a nice feeling.

And maybe you can instead get yourself a book on grandparenting advise? I'm 100% sure that it will clearly show you how this issue isn't any of your business and gently coach you on the importance of not interfering into issues that don't concern you in any shape way or form.

Have you considered the possibility of this being a personal problem on your end as opposed to her children actually having any problem? You really need to butt out and mind your own business.

chestnut completely with you. I never once bought my children sweets, or anything else, at the checkout.

Friday was sweetie day. We had a lovely old-fashioned sweet shop in the village, full of penny sweets at a child's level. 20p each and they were away. It is remarkable how good a 3 year old's arithemetic becomes let loose with 20p and a sea of sweets all costing less than 5p each.

Granny-joy that was an unwarranted slur on other people's parenting skills. I am another whose children will have said 'I hate you' to me sometime in childhood, not weekly, not annually, but a couple of times, usually during a teenage strop when told that, aged 14, I wouldn't let them go to a pop concert 100 miles away on their own or similar.

I would be more worried by a home where such events never arose. It suggests repression, denial or emotional blackmail.

Goodness me Norton, if you want them to read a book on parenting, the advice has changed since we were raising our own children.
The Victorian speak until spoken to, is no longer considered best practice. I think if you want to remain a cherished member of the family I would support dil and tell her she is doing a good job, rather than judge her parenting decisions. My Mil had constant feedback on my parenting, and unsurprisingly I decided to move to a new postal code to get away from her.

Well you were lucky then grannyjay, my children and grandchildren certainly felt they hated parental control at times and voiced this.
One of my daughters said later, we hated you at the time Mum but then realised you did it because you cared.
It is down to your son and his wife to bring up the children as they see fit norton its difficult to bite your tongue at times I know.

I don’t believe you can spoil a child with love and attention. The children will learn where they get 100% attention and where they need to fend for themselves.
I wouldn’t say anything to your son and DiL as it could cause problems.
When the children are with you then you can leave them be if you want but the parents don’t want to, it’s their call.x

Blue belle I didn’t say it was shocking as I think I’m well used to seeing over indulged rude spoilt children in shops. I am also pleased to say I have never been spoken to like that by my children. I suppose it comes down to upbringing!

It's a curious phenomenon that when children are indulged, it brings out the worst in their natures. You would think spoiled children would be the happiest in the world, but they are not. Children need discipline and guidance. Society needs rules to live by. These parents are not doing what is best for their children, they are misguided. Perhaps you could try explaining this to your son. Children are not an endangered species, they mustn't be treated as if they are.

I think going to school will change a lot of this. I mean no-one can have 100% of the teacher's attention and kids have to learn to get on with others. There is nothing wrong with gentle parenting; what is wrong is children not understanding that sometimes 'no' is the only answer.

Oh goodness most kids use the ‘I hate you’ at some time in their little lives not that shocking granny-joy

I m another who thinks you just have to watch and wait nothing really you can do Each and every one of us has the right to bring our children up as we believe best I m sure I made many mistakes along the way but I wouldn’t have liked my parents to tell me at the time I d have probably got very defensive

......wandering up and down the chocolate counters and was asking for some chocolate
Aaah, the shop challenge. The key to this is never from the time they're born buy sweets or chocolate or similar when they are with you in the shop. My children behaved just fine surrounded by chocolate because they never expected me to buy any! What you don't have you don't miss. I did of course buy it when I wasn't with them.

I think this is a problem we all have to a certain degree. When you are inside the parent/children family bubble it's often impossible to see that your behaviour affects the child's behaviour. As grandmas we can stand back and observe from outside the bubble where the problem is much more clearly seen. The problem we have is how to impart that information to the bubble. Unless you have a close relationship with the parents it would not be easy to suggest child rearing tactics. And to he honest, it probably won't help anyway. They are doing it 'their way' and are unlikely to be able to change their parenting ways just because you suggest it.

If you do attempt anything, make it clear your concern is for the parents, who may be making things hard for themselves by what they're doing. Don't sound as though you're criticising their child rearing.

Reading this I thought about my visit to Sainsbury’s today and saw a young boy about 9 ish with his parents wandering up and down the chocolate counters and was asking for some chocolate. His parents obviously said no as he just blurted out I HATE YOU! and stomped off. I can understand the disappointment but not the fact that your child comes out with such a hurtful remark.

Not aware that I mentioned the word 'hate'
Still very intersested in the 'them' question.
what was that meant exactly?

Doodle, could you clarify? What exactly did you mean by 'one of them'

What did you mean?

painting

Your grandchildren will meet many regimes as they grow up and pass through the education system, clubs and hobbies, sports, etc. Different people with different attitudes and approaches and you will be one of these.

You say that their parents seem to you to be too accommodating but really that’s not your problem. Just be there as their grandmother and don’t fall out with your DiL or you may not be there for them in the future.

Sorry, I'm wondering about this. How many of you are not complying with safeguarding regulations>
What exactly does that mean , 'one of them'
One of 'whom' exactly
painting

I have known many indulgent DP and DGP. You'd think that these nasty spoiled kids would turn out bad but not a bit of it. I met a spoiled brat many years later and he was the kindest, funniest guy you could imagine - a schoolteacher and a parent infact.
A well-liked friend fusses over her DGC, ferries them about when they are quite able to go on their own. It gives her pleasure and her life meaning.
As others have said, leave it alone.

I think if you have a good relationship with them you can gently make suggestions. If your DIL had a tough upbringing then perhaps she doesn’t have parental role models in her family.
You can make suggestions without being an overbearing MIL. I think they are probably seeing some bad behaviour now and suggestions can help them. Start small and see how it goes. If it is not well received, then back off and let them handle it in their way.