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(86 Posts)
norton Mon 28-Oct-19 20:30:53

I'm looking for the benefit of grand parents' advice. My DIL had a hard upbringing so is raising her two boys with as much softness, time, explanation, not letting them grow up etc. They are 4 and 2. The elder boy has learned to pull faces when he doesn't get what he wants in a manipulative way and it works, its turning him into a not very likeable little boy. He's also finding it tough at school because he's upset because the outside world is not indulging him in the same way. Its not his fault, but he expects attention, what he wants and done the way he wants because his parents allow this. My son has bought into this because, I believe, his wife is a medic and he follows what she says but is run ragged. I want to get them to read some books on how not to over indulge your child with time, letting them think they are are centre of the universe at all times etc and leave them be a bit. Oooh, what can I do. The younger child I can see is going the same way. He wants what he wants, when he wants and and both are never gently deposed. Both parents are nearly burnt out trying to provide the kind of care these children have been allowed to expect. Instead of moving them aside and giving themselves a break for a moment. Parenting should be this exhausting. How can I help them.

M0nica Mon 28-Oct-19 20:36:09

You can't do anything - at least not if you want to still have cordial relations with them.

Many of us have seen our children do/allow/forbid/ whatever something we would never consider and worry about. I think our parents were the same when we were first parents and so on back to Adam and Eve who didn't have parents.

All you can do is grin and bear it. There is no alternative. The children's first years at Playgroup may be a bit difficult but they will soon learn that demanding everything at home is fine but elsewhere has to be held back.

paintingthetownred Mon 28-Oct-19 20:36:46

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Sussexborn Mon 28-Oct-19 20:42:28

It would probably help if you praised and supported your DIL. So often people seem to repeat the bad behaviour of their parents. At least she is trying to avoid her difficult childhood going down the generations.

I was going to say you need to butt out but I see painting beat me to it.

Just realised it’s half term!

FlexibleFriend Mon 28-Oct-19 20:43:28

Maybe you haven't explained it very well but there's no harm in being gentle with your kids and giving them time or making them the centre of your universe especially at 2 and 4.

Doodle Mon 28-Oct-19 20:45:08

Aah. sussex do you think it’s one of them? Could well be. Time will tell 😀

Sussexborn Mon 28-Oct-19 21:00:09

Just occurred to me as I ended my post! Just seemed odd.

Doodle Mon 28-Oct-19 21:05:07

Might be. Let’s wait and see.

Jomarie Mon 28-Oct-19 21:10:11

Totally agree with MOnica's advice - sensible, articulate and historically correct IMO !!

paintingthetownred Mon 28-Oct-19 21:14:41

Doodle, when you mean 'it's one of them' what exactly do you mean. A parent? A brilliant mother? An alien life form > Someone who seeks to learn and is more informed than you?

Please explain

craftyone Mon 28-Oct-19 21:17:51

norton, try and keep it zipped, watch and inwardly cry but don`t say or do anything. They are very young and the parents are learning to be parents. One of my dgd has a father who is a helicopter parent, always solves her problems for her, helps her all the time, she needs to make mistakes to find out for herself. I had to keep my mouth shut too. She is 11 now and is becoming the most stroppy young teen ever, he made a rod for his back and also for his daughter. Your young family will find out the hard way and tbh there is nothing you can do except, like me, be there when it all falls apart later

CanadianGran Mon 28-Oct-19 21:37:44

I think if you have a good relationship with them you can gently make suggestions. If your DIL had a tough upbringing then perhaps she doesn’t have parental role models in her family.
You can make suggestions without being an overbearing MIL. I think they are probably seeing some bad behaviour now and suggestions can help them. Start small and see how it goes. If it is not well received, then back off and let them handle it in their way.

Grammaretto Mon 28-Oct-19 21:54:15

I have known many indulgent DP and DGP. You'd think that these nasty spoiled kids would turn out bad but not a bit of it. I met a spoiled brat many years later and he was the kindest, funniest guy you could imagine - a schoolteacher and a parent infact.
A well-liked friend fusses over her DGC, ferries them about when they are quite able to go on their own. It gives her pleasure and her life meaning.
As others have said, leave it alone.

paintingthetownred Mon 28-Oct-19 22:23:47

Sorry, I'm wondering about this. How many of you are not complying with safeguarding regulations>
What exactly does that mean , 'one of them'
One of 'whom' exactly

Yehbutnobut Mon 28-Oct-19 22:56:52

Your grandchildren will meet many regimes as they grow up and pass through the education system, clubs and hobbies, sports, etc. Different people with different attitudes and approaches and you will be one of these.

You say that their parents seem to you to be too accommodating but really that’s not your problem. Just be there as their grandmother and don’t fall out with your DiL or you may not be there for them in the future.

paintingthetownred Mon 28-Oct-19 23:00:19

Not aware that I mentioned the word 'hate'
Still very intersested in the 'them' question.
what was that meant exactly?

Doodle, could you clarify? What exactly did you mean by 'one of them'

What did you mean?


Grannyjay Mon 28-Oct-19 23:15:36

Reading this I thought about my visit to Sainsbury’s today and saw a young boy about 9 ish with his parents wandering up and down the chocolate counters and was asking for some chocolate. His parents obviously said no as he just blurted out I HATE YOU! and stomped off. I can understand the disappointment but not the fact that your child comes out with such a hurtful remark.

Chestnut Mon 28-Oct-19 23:25:50

I think this is a problem we all have to a certain degree. When you are inside the parent/children family bubble it's often impossible to see that your behaviour affects the child's behaviour. As grandmas we can stand back and observe from outside the bubble where the problem is much more clearly seen. The problem we have is how to impart that information to the bubble. Unless you have a close relationship with the parents it would not be easy to suggest child rearing tactics. And to he honest, it probably won't help anyway. They are doing it 'their way' and are unlikely to be able to change their parenting ways just because you suggest it.

If you do attempt anything, make it clear your concern is for the parents, who may be making things hard for themselves by what they're doing. Don't sound as though you're criticising their child rearing.

Chestnut Mon 28-Oct-19 23:30:34

......wandering up and down the chocolate counters and was asking for some chocolate
Aaah, the shop challenge. The key to this is never from the time they're born buy sweets or chocolate or similar when they are with you in the shop. My children behaved just fine surrounded by chocolate because they never expected me to buy any! What you don't have you don't miss. I did of course buy it when I wasn't with them.

BlueBelle Tue 29-Oct-19 05:38:45

Oh goodness most kids use the ‘I hate you’ at some time in their little lives not that shocking granny-joy

I m another who thinks you just have to watch and wait nothing really you can do Each and every one of us has the right to bring our children up as we believe best I m sure I made many mistakes along the way but I wouldn’t have liked my parents to tell me at the time I d have probably got very defensive

Loislovesstewie Tue 29-Oct-19 05:47:49

I think going to school will change a lot of this. I mean no-one can have 100% of the teacher's attention and kids have to learn to get on with others. There is nothing wrong with gentle parenting; what is wrong is children not understanding that sometimes 'no' is the only answer.

ladymuck Tue 29-Oct-19 06:48:17

It's a curious phenomenon that when children are indulged, it brings out the worst in their natures. You would think spoiled children would be the happiest in the world, but they are not. Children need discipline and guidance. Society needs rules to live by. These parents are not doing what is best for their children, they are misguided. Perhaps you could try explaining this to your son. Children are not an endangered species, they mustn't be treated as if they are.

Grannyjay Tue 29-Oct-19 07:14:19

Blue belle I didn’t say it was shocking as I think I’m well used to seeing over indulged rude spoilt children in shops. I am also pleased to say I have never been spoken to like that by my children. I suppose it comes down to upbringing!

Scentia Tue 29-Oct-19 07:28:33

I don’t believe you can spoil a child with love and attention. The children will learn where they get 100% attention and where they need to fend for themselves.
I wouldn’t say anything to your son and DiL as it could cause problems.
When the children are with you then you can leave them be if you want but the parents don’t want to, it’s their call.x

sodapop Tue 29-Oct-19 07:38:26

Well you were lucky then grannyjay, my children and grandchildren certainly felt they hated parental control at times and voiced this.
One of my daughters said later, we hated you at the time Mum but then realised you did it because you cared.
It is down to your son and his wife to bring up the children as they see fit norton its difficult to bite your tongue at times I know.