I'm looking for the benefit of grand parents' advice. My DIL had a hard upbringing so is raising her two boys with as much softness, time, explanation, not letting them grow up etc. They are 4 and 2. The elder boy has learned to pull faces when he doesn't get what he wants in a manipulative way and it works, its turning him into a not very likeable little boy. He's also finding it tough at school because he's upset because the outside world is not indulging him in the same way. Its not his fault, but he expects attention, what he wants and done the way he wants because his parents allow this. My son has bought into this because, I believe, his wife is a medic and he follows what she says but is run ragged. I want to get them to read some books on how not to over indulge your child with time, letting them think they are are centre of the universe at all times etc and leave them be a bit. Oooh, what can I do. The younger child I can see is going the same way. He wants what he wants, when he wants and and both are never gently deposed. Both parents are nearly burnt out trying to provide the kind of care these children have been allowed to expect. Instead of moving them aside and giving themselves a break for a moment. Parenting should be this exhausting. How can I help them.
Sometimes I feel my GC (and got lots) are over indulged but I say nothing. They are different with me and know MY boundaries so that is all that matters to me.
Tedber Yes!
Not sure if norton is reading or just ignoring. But my advice is similar to lots. Ignore it! School will sort the 4 year old out and the 2 year old when it comes. Getting involved with what you would do is totally wrong! These children are not yours. Doesn't matter if you disagree with the parenting or not. Other than suspecting abuse, grandparents do not get a say in how children are raised.
Sometimes I feel my GC (and got lots) are over indulged but I say nothing. They are different with me and know MY boundaries so that is all that matters to me.
Know YOUR boundaries norton.
*However, if you put it in the context of the full comment of the poster, it insinuates the grandma knows better than the parents and that "weekend or visit to give the parents a break"
goes further than reeducating the kids not jumping on beds*
I dont think it implies that atall and dont see how you infer that Hithere The OPs original post seems to be expressing a genuine concern about run ragged parents and asking how she can give then gge opportunity to consider alternatives to the position in which they find them selves. She doesnt particularly say she wants to make rules for her grandchildren atall!!
You are NOT their parent, you do not determine which rules their children follow, are appropriate or within reason.
This is a comment you brought in related to issues the OP never suggested. My comment about beds as an example related purely to that comment
agnurse I absolutely agree with your post 19.41 1/11/2019
IMHO, you can set rules that have to do with how you want your house to be kept - for example, no jumping on furniture, food is to be eaten at the table only, etc. You can't realistically make rules for someone else's children regarding things such as finishing their plate at meals, how much screen time they get, whether they're allowed sweets or not, etc.
Madgran77
I agree with your statement, assuming parents agree with the rules and approve.
If not, meeting in a neutral place or at the parent's home fixes the problem.
The statement you picked is not worrisome by itself, it is very reasonable.
However, if you put it in the context of the full comment of the poster, it insinuates the grandma knows better than the parents and that "weekend or visit to give the parents a break" goes further than reeducating the kids not jumping on beds.
You are NOT their parent, you do not determine which rules their children follow, are appropriate or within reason.
But if children are in someone elses house then those house rules apply … so as an example if parents think it is fine for their children to jump all over the beds in someone elses house and the bed owners are not happy with that then it seems entirely reasonable that the owners of the beds state that they do not want their belongings treated in that way!!!
"Obviously treat the children well but apply your own house rules (age appropriate and within reason)."
You are NOT their parent, you do not determine which rules their children follow, are appropriate or within reason.
This speaks volumes about entitlement and overstepping boundaries.
"Offer to have the children for a day/weekend so the parents get a break. Obviously treat the children well but apply your own house rules (age appropriate and within reason)."
Beware of offering parents a "break. Especially if parents work, the weekend is all they have to spend with their kids.
Parents will ask for a break when needed, this will not come accross as a favour, more as grandma time grabby - not a good thing
"It will help the children to understand that the whole world will not treat them like home."
Even worse, you are "offering to give the parents a break" with a hidden agenda.
This is the worst advice ever.
It is not up to the grandparent to show them the real world. You are NOT the parents. Grandparents do not have the only real and valid definition of "real world"
Kids go to school, they already see the real world. Kids go out to library, daycare, etc. They see the real world.
Well it could either be bad manners, their life is chaotic and they don't have time or they are fabricating the whole thing.
The last option is so very odd.
No idea grapefruitpip but it happens all the time. Just a waste of time for all the kind souls who take time to respond to the OP who never returns. Beats me why they do it.
Offer to have the children for a day/weekend so the parents get a break. Obviously treat the children well but apply your own house rules (age appropriate and within reason). It will help the children to understand that the whole world will not treat them like home.
What is the pay off for indulging in a half term holiday game?
It's beyond weird.
and she started off by shouting at us, in the title, which is a bit impolite anyway.
as to upbringing, I don't see why gentleness and guidance are opposites. both are needed and go together.
dr Miriam Stoppard said you can gently teach even a pre-verbal child, when he pulls the cat's tail, you gently take his hand and say ouch! that hurts cat, then stroke the cat with his hand in yours saying soothingly, cat likes that, that's nice.
it's a matter of re-direction.
it seems to me some young people are so selfish because it has literally never occurred to them that anything else is possible. it's never been shewn to them. maybe parents too busy, working. and I guess it's the default mode, to be selfish, for survival.
but then they are missing out on the glorious feeling of going beyond oneself, of giving freely, simply to help or please another. it can be learnt. and we learn most from those we love or admire. we want to emulate them.
Yup. Half term holiday games again ?
As happens so often, Doodle (sigh)
I wouldn’t bother replying if I were you. OP is obviously not interested as she has not returned to this thread.
This seems to be the preferred method these days. I feel sorry and frustrated for you. I also find some of the comments towards you quite harsh. nobody wants their grandchildren to be disliked at school. there used to be a time where grandparents were a source of advice but now we are advised to shut up all the time. my parents turned to my grandparents a lot and saw it as wisdom not interference
Although sometimes you can only watch, grit your teeth and say nothing even if asked for advice.
I agree with what Chestnut has said
Along with love, attention and giving a child a sense of security, certain boundaries also need to be instilled to enable them to take a fulfilling place in society.
The world out there is not prepared to indulge their every whim or to tolerate their tantrums if they do not get their own way.
Responsible parenting should set them on the path to becoming confident but caring individuals.
This is a topic that is discussed endlessly with my friends who are also grandparents today. We are often dismayed at the lack of boundaries our kids (the parents) provide to their kids. We help each other to remember the mantra which is "not our kids, not our problem, not our responsibility".
It's very hard, especially when we are quite hands on as GPs but we need to constantly remind ourselves that it's not our business.
I read a lovely book called "Nanaville" by one of my favorite authors, Anna Quindlen. It's about her experiences as a recent grandmother. One thing really stood out for me when she shared a story about offering unsolicited advice / criticism to her son and DIL about her grandson's education.
A friend she turned to asked her the magic words, "Did they ask you?" - I really took this to heart and have since tried to offer advice, help etc. much less. I wait for them to come to me with requests.
Works a treat!
And meanwhile we get on with our own lives!
Good luck
It's interesting reading some of the posts. It seems that parents who want to do everything for their children to make them happy end up by doing the reverse. Children who are spoilt as adults may have difficulty in finding their way around a world that doesn't run as they expect. Teaching children respect, independence and resilience is really a duty of parents.
Summerlove makes sense.
Exactly what I said, you cannot SPOIL or RUIN a child with love and attention.
I think you are mixing up love and attention with boundaries and guidelines. The two go together, and every child deserves both. If you indulge their every demand, no matter how small, it does them no favours. There may be times when their demand is unreasonable or ridiculous and if you constantly give in then even very young children will soon realise they are in control and that they can have whatever they want and do whatever they want.
Please do not interfere, suggest a book that matches your parenting style or outcome you wish to see, talk to your son or dil ,etc.
They know where you are if they need your advice.
Do you remember how difficult the ages of 2 and 4 were? Still demanding the parents full attention, following their parents everywhere- bathroom break alone is a fantasy-, etc?
The terrible twos must be in full swing and the tantrums just happen no matter what you do or don't do.
The 4 year old is in the phase of pushing any rules and boundaries he can. No rules!
Many parents now feel that children are people and need to understand why they are asked to do something, why they are punished, etc., so kids understand why things happen.
I feel you do not agree with this.
I am afraid your son and dil do not follow your same parenting style.
The school will raise a red flag and talk to the parents if the behaviour of their kids needs to change.
I grew up in the generation of " children are not seen or heard" and it was awful.
muffinthemoo
Exactly what I said, you cannot SPOIL or RUIN a child with love and attention.
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