Gransnet forums

Grandparenting

Sad times

(41 Posts)
Saddee55 Tue 29-Oct-19 23:54:40

Hi everyone,I’m new to the forum and would just like a little advice on my only adult 23 year old grandson I have always loved my grandson although when he was a baby didn’t have a lot of contact as we’re working and his other grandparents saw him most of the time as they didn’t work ..saying that we babysat as much as we could ,took him out and looked after him when ever asked ...we’ve always showed him how much we love him but we never seem to get this back ,he loves his other grandparents very much ..on occasions he’s been really disrespectful to me and because I love him and my son I’ve overlooked it ...the last time I was heartbroken when he called me a racist because I voted to leave in the referendum other members of the family said he was joking but this isn’t the first time he also told me to F off which again was apparently a joke ...I still love him but I feel so sad that my only grandson could be so cruel..I don’t want to fall out with my son who’s so loving and a kind son ..I’ve never ever done anything to make him act this way towards me and my husband just the opposite we’ve always gone out of or way for him ..I know my son would be so upset if I confronted him about this and I couldn’t do it ..do you think I’m taking it the wrong way and he is joking ?.

Elrel Wed 30-Oct-19 00:16:44

He’s immature and hasn’t learnt to match how he speaks according to who he’s with. Don't get into arguments or discussion but try to say calmly that he should not tell you to F off and that racism is not a subject for ‘joking’.
I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong but neither do I think he’s being deliberately cruel to you. He’s just careless and possibly showing off.
How does your son react when your grandson talks to you? Does he think its acceptable? Don't confront him, just tell him quietly that your grandson’s remarks sometimes upset you.

crazyH Wed 30-Oct-19 00:20:53

Oh Saddee...your pain is so palpable flowers.
Your grandson is 23 years and obviously has his own views, political or otherwise. He can't always agree with you.
I have 6 grandchildren (2 teenagers and 4 toddlers). I have heard my teenage grandson use the occasional 'F off ' to his sister. And I have told him off, quite harshly.
I agree, your grandson should give you more respect. He will ofcourse have more 'connection'. with his other grandparents, because they babysat him. But don't let that spoil your relatiioonship. You can explain yourself to him.
Circumstances affect the degree of relationships. I know for sure, my son's children are more close to see their maternal grandmother. She meets them after school, because she lives near the school.
Thats Life Saddee. All you can do is give him as much love as you can, and you have every right to call him up on his foul language. I'm sure he loves you. Families, eh?

Saddee55 Wed 30-Oct-19 00:53:56

Awww thank you for your kind words... I guess maybe I’m thinking in my younger days I’d never dream of speak to my grandparents like that time moves on I guess ...but thanks I’ll keep on loving him but maybe pull him to one side next time and just explain how it hurts me .thanks again.

Saddee55 Wed 30-Oct-19 01:00:10

Elrel I agree he is immature..my son really hasn’t heard him he’ll say it under his breath to me or out of earshot of his dad I’m sure my son would be as upset as me ..but thanks I’ll take your advice and stay out of any arguments and just have a quiet word with my son next time .thank you .

Summerlove Wed 30-Oct-19 01:02:34

Do you ever invite your grandson out, just the two of you?

That’s a good way to start a better relationship. Do you text or call him?

sharon103 Wed 30-Oct-19 01:13:52

A different generation Saddee.
I would never have dared to speak to my parents or family like that either.
I would however tell him off for bad language and I would expect some respect.
I wouldn't get into an argument over politics. As with my adult children, I tell them that I have my opinion and they have theirs and so we'll beg to differ.
I'm sure he loves you really. smile

leyla Wed 30-Oct-19 02:25:40

In my opinion it’s not a good idea to discuss politics. Refuse to engage in political discussion.

mumofmadboys Wed 30-Oct-19 05:57:34

Youngsters sometimes use the F word very lightly. Listen to teenagers in the street. Try not to take it to heart. If he tells you to F off again I would say 'Hey, remember who you are talking to please' and walk away . I wouldn't take the racist comment to heart. Things can be very black and white when you are young ( no pun intended!)

BradfordLass72 Wed 30-Oct-19 06:06:33

I wonder if this young man is simply frustrated by life, or something you are not aware of and see you as an easy outlet for that?

Young people, and even in TV I am told hear and use obscene language which never passed our lips when we were tha age. But lamentably, time change and now it is common usage.

I differe a little bit from the advice above in that I would not speak to the boy when he has just been disrespectful.

I would wait until you were all in a calm, happy mood, perhaps having a meal and tell him how much you enjoy his company and how much you love him.

And maybe your husband could say, 'So it hurts us a bit when you are disrepectful and use bad language.'
It shows you are both hurt and if it is said in a quiet way, it will get the point across.

flowers

BlueBelle Wed 30-Oct-19 06:12:01

I don’t think he’s ‘just joking’ but I do think he’s frustrated and immature I m not expecting you to like or understand it but the words F and F O really have no real meaning to the young generation They are ordinary words and not seen as bad language to youngsters at all, When I said to the grandkids it’s awful hearing that word bandied around so much nowadays, (not them but in general) they laughed and said well it doesn’t mean anything only to old people

Unfortunately the leave/stay problem has made many people so angry and SO powerless and when people feel powerless they tend to lose the ability to keep their mouths shut Many do connect racism with leave voters because, so many quoted immigrants as a problem and presumable you’re grandson has latched onto that and is feeling cross and upset at his future being so badly damaged ....A pity but avoid politics like the plague,,,families have broken up through it

Put this all behind you I m sure he loves you but don’t expect too much he’s a kid some boys mature much, later as Judge Judy says they re still half cooked till 30
Don’t be too sensitive all will be well 😊

Eglantine21 Wed 30-Oct-19 07:18:38

Oh they say it like it is. No holding back nowadays. I got told I was passive aggressive a couple of weeks ago.

I was really hurt but actually when I thought about it she had a point.

As someone who has had to deal with covert, unthinking racism in my time, maybe asking if you could talk this through with him might bring you closer.

It would show you respect (even if you don’t agree with) his views.

Daisymae Wed 30-Oct-19 07:35:21

I think it's totally unacceptable. If he speaks to you in this way again I would certainly raise the issue with his dad. Seriously how can he speak to a grandparent like this and get away with it? He is a man and must take responsibility for his actions. There's no love shown here.

FlexibleFriend Wed 30-Oct-19 10:13:22

He needs to grow up and learn to respect others. You can't go through life being abusive to everyone who disagrees with you. Swearing doesn't bother me and never has so I'd speak to him in the same vein. Personally I'd tell him to politely go away and stay away until he learns some respect. I realise that's hard for you as you find the swearing offensive but this young man needs to learn to look beyond his own little bubble and see his words have consequences.

sodapop Wed 30-Oct-19 12:34:51

I agree with the last two posters. Your grandson is a 23 year old adult and high time he learned some social skills.

Summerlove Wed 30-Oct-19 14:12:07

If he speaks to you in this way again I would certainly raise the issue with his dad

What on earth do you expect the parent to do? The grandson is an adult. If OP has an issue, she should talk to him herself, not try to get him in trouble like a child. That’s a sure way to alienate him.

OP, I’ll repeat my question in case it was missed earlier, how often do you see him? Do you have a relationship outside his parents? If not, why?

Saddee55 Wed 30-Oct-19 15:12:55

Hi summerlove ,I text him yes in fact I sent a text 1st October no answer still waiting and for his birthday in June didn’t reply and yes we go out but it’s like he’s just going through the motions ....if I was reading this I’d think wow what’s this woman done to her grandson ..but hand on my heart I’ve only ever shown love towards .

Saddee55 Wed 30-Oct-19 15:28:49

Wow everyone thank you for your wonderful and helpful views on my problem... I’m certainly going to think about everything you’ve all said and take something from all of you ...one thing most of you said was that the F word is used so much with young people I get that ..but I’ll explain,we’re all out having a lovely meal and couldn’t decide where to go next as we’re walking out I said to him where do you fancy going now love...he turned to me and said nowhere now F off ...now this was a while ago and still now I tear up writing it maybe I’m a softie...but that’s how I am ...sorry all for going on it’s nice just to tell someone how I’m feeling ..I’m not really good at writing things down but seriously I’m going to try take all your wonderful advice..

MissAdventure Wed 30-Oct-19 15:54:09

I wouldn't see telling his dad as an opportunity to 'get him in trouble'.
I would see it as an opportunity for his dad to explain to him, man to man, that nobody speaks to HIS mum like that.

Namsnanny Wed 30-Oct-19 16:32:57

I echo MissAdventure perspective.

Namsnanny Wed 30-Oct-19 16:34:49

Sunmerliveconfused

anna7 Wed 30-Oct-19 16:36:58

MissAdventure is quite right. If any of my sons, at any age, spoke to anyone like that, especially their grandmother, I would want to know. This young man needs to know such rudeness will not be tolerated.

You are not a softie Sadee55. Anyone would be hurt by such an unkind comment.

Boosgran Wed 30-Oct-19 16:44:27

If my grandson spoke to me like that he’d be told very firmly not to speak to me or anyone else like that. He is rude and at 23 he is not a child and should know better and yes have a word with his Dad and tell him it upsets you. Unbelievable behaviour from your grandson. He needs to learn respect.

sodapop Wed 30-Oct-19 17:33:41

Don't understand why it is necessary to speak to the father. The grandson is an adult and should be told this is unacceptable behaviour.

Eglantine21 Wed 30-Oct-19 18:26:38

I’m with soda pop. He is an adult, albeit a rude one, and so is the OP. Why does she need someone to speak for her? There’s no need to go through someone else.

“Having a word with his father” is treating him like a little boy. It will alienate him. You’ll cause trouble between him and his parents. And maybe it’s that kind of dependency and manipulation of other people that gets on his nerves.

You won’t like what I’ve said OP and other people will jump on me but honestly I think you need to take a look at what it is that irritates him.