Grandson (12) stealing something from my bag then lying about it

I think let it go this time, he will know he can trust you not to say anything to his parents and maybe one day confide in you and need your input.
I don't condone keeping things from parents but sometimes you need a watching brief.

Just let it go and don’t tell his parents or he won’t trust you ever again. I’d give him his steak and chips too.
If you can try and find out what is troubling him if anything. Or is it just hormones? Keep him close gran ?

Now that he has been caught out he us unlikely to do it to you again. Rather than telling his stressed out parents, next time give him a slightly smaller chocolate treat. He will know why.

Thanks again to everyone who has thoughtfully replied to my posts...your comments and suggestions are very much appreciated and indeed have helped me to get things into perspective. I can see that I have unwittingly caused a problem with the 'have I /haven't I? chocolate game and shall stop that immediately. The bigger two are certainly old enough at 12 and 7 to know that there is chocolate in my bag for them, without the game.

I was very low key when I discovered that the one bar had vanished, and indeed did give him the opportunity to say, 'actually Grandma, I've had mine already' so I didnt barge in mob handed. He knows how disappointed I am about the lying and I hope that this will serve as a deterrent in the future.

Goes without saying, I love him to bits, along with my other 8 grandchildren and he and I have always been very close...as he gets older, he has so much to occupy him that our once sacrosanct times together have gone by the board, however this is the way of the world and as long as he is happy and healthy and safe, I am content. He knows without question that I am always here for him in person, by phone, on WhatApp...so I hope that he may open up to me when he has things on his mind, although that said he keeps everything very close to his chest, as does my DIL, so open conversations about anything, never mind anything tricky are quite a challenge. He has no work issues at school, quite the opposite, as he is very able in every area and this can bring it's own problems in terms of spite from other kids. Its blooming hard growing up, isn't it?

I'm off to buy steak and a huge head of brocolli (his favourite food...specially requested).

A million thanks to all you wonderful GNETters for you advice and support this morning xx

dies his school have a counsellor

ohmother for goodness sake the kid at worst took a chocolate that was meant for him anyway, outside chance he’s telling the truth and didn’t take it
He hardly needs a school counsellor thats a massive over reaction

How many of us haven't eaten a bar of chocolate or something else in secret when we were children.

I would forget the whole thing. He knows he's been found out, and probably feels a bit ashamed.

There's no need for any more discussion or consequences. Just continue loving him the same as you always have. He's probably a bit scared you might not like him any more. Forget the episode entirely.

As a parent I would want to know, wouldn’t you?

Oh leave it be and cook him his steak as normal
He’s way too old for a handbag game anyway
As a Judge Judy says how do you know if a teenager is lying ....when they open their mouths
I think everyone has given you good advice let it go and to be honest you didn’t see him do it and although you’re sure it was him there is just a small chance it wasnt him

Don’t encourage teens or any kids to rummage in your handbag though not a good idea

I remember telling lies to my kids. Father Christmas, Easter Bunny, tooth fairy... remember.

This guy needs a shoulder about something else that’s going on for him. Does his school have a counsellor if he won’t share with you?

Probably a good idea not to have sweet stuff as a special treat in the interests of teeth/health. But yes, I'd let it go and cook the steak. Even if he did eat it and lied then he'll know you know and it would be awful to go on punishing him.

I think he’s a bit old for the ‘hide the chocolate’ game.

He knows you know, ok so it’s a bit devious, but I doubt he’ll do it again, and we are only talking a bar of chocolate, not a ten pound note.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Yes don’t tease it’s not a good habit, it’s a game that can encourage deceipt. Be straight. And I agree with most gransnetters; don’t tell parents; give the steak;stop the choc in bag game.
All children try some fibbing. Forgive and forget just let him know you are forgiving and forgetting!

Still cook the steak, and say no more about the choc. As another poster said, in future give him the choice of when to eat his treat.

I would say nothing to his parents now, but if something happened again, I would.

BTW, I have never taken sweets or chocs when visiting GC’s, but have always seen them quite often when young. They are never offered sweets at our house either, as I don’t have any. This is partly due to both DS and DIL not encouraging it, unlike the other set of GP’s, but I never had sweets around with my own children.

I would cook him his steak , lavish him with affection and cut the chocolate in handbag game. Take the chocolate out give it to them or hide it somewhere and deliver it to each child after lunch and put handbag out of reach. If he takes something else tell him how hurt and disappointed you are and that he has an important decision to make about who he wants to be and what sort of life he wants. He’s old enough to start thinking about it.

Can I just comment that actually I remember about 11 or 12 taking coppers from my mum's purse and sneaking biscuits from the tin (they were about the only sweet thing around). I stopped when I felt happier. It was a time when I had just changed schools and was feeling a bit lost. All children do things like this most of them don't carry on or escalate things.

Sorry but I disagree with most of the previous posters.
His parents should know.
My nephew behaved the same way when he was younger than your DGS and my mum tried to deal with it herself. It turned into stealing money from his cousins, and my dad. He also threatened my dad with a knife when he realised what he was doing and asked him about the missing money.

I'd still give him his steak and chips and like others have said, stop the chocolate in your bag thing.
I don't think it would be a bad idea to sit and tell him that you are disappointed in him firstly for taking things from your bag without permission and secondly for lying about it.
Also tell him that you are always there for him to talk to if there are things going on that he doesn't feel he can discuss with his mum and dad.Ask him if there is anything worrying or bothering him at the moment. Sometimes boys, in particular, have had something happen that they can't or won't talk about, and it comes out in a change of behaviour such as this.

Cook the steak . I wouldn’t mention it to the parents, not this time, I’d still take sweets, but I’d give them to the children as nobody goes in my bag lol

Hand the chocolate out as soon as you arrive at their house. You are teasing them with it which is unfair. They know you have brought some and are probably wondering when you will give it to them. He shouldn't have taken it but hopefully it's a one-off, and he knows you know. Don't tell his parents unless he does it again which seems unlikely. Cook the steak so he knows you still love him, make sure he says thank you for his meal afterwards.

grandmaz you sound like a lovely thoughtful Grandma. I would cook the steak as normal. Maybe not tell the parents this time. And maybe when you have time alone with him you will get the chance to have a chat about trust etc without mentioning chocolate.
Good luck!

Thanks so much everyone. It really does help to hear OP's views.

I can learn something from this as well, so yes I'll cook the steak and keep the matter between us for now, as well as removing temptation next time I go. As far as the 'teasing' goes - it's something we've always done...the choc was only not eaten by everyone after supper last night as the tiniest one had eaten at Nursery and come home, had teeth cleaned by Daddy before he went out, so I didnt feel it right to share the choc in front of him.

Anyway, I really do appreciate all your replies and shall mull them over individually and benefit from the collective wisdom that is Gransnet!

Thanks

I agree with most of the above responses.....
Definitely go ahead with steak meal as promised but NO sweet treats on Saturday.

When next visiting all the children, I don't find it fair to say you aren't bringing chocolate for a while, because of previous behaviours from one of the children. Why should the younger ones be punished for what the older one did?

No flack from me Luckygirl.

I always take the chocolate in the bag I take our slippers in, so they don't have to rummage around amongst the snot hankies in my handbag.

told him that we would not mention it again. - I think you need to honour that - or you too will have told a lie!!

'well I might have done, we shall have to see, later'. I am going to be really blunt here - I hate and detest that sort of teasing of children. It is just a power trip. So - if you ask me, I rather think you asked for the subsequent problem.

I know that many will not agree with me here, but I think we should always be absolutely straight with children and not play these psychological games. I would have said: "Yes, I do have a chocolate for you - shall we look now? I love having a treat for my special GS."

I duck below parapet and wait for flak.