Looking for a Nanny to love my 3 beautiful amazing children

(crossposted, MissingaNan) As I thought, you are unhappy yourself and you realise that you need to make some changes.

It could be finding work, volunteering, joining activities, study, anything at all - but focus on yourself first and do what will make you happy.

When you feel stronger and more positive, your children will cope far better. When you're happier, it will become clear whether you want to stay with their father.

Good luck!

Children generally are very robust and adaptable - but they take their cue from us and mirror our reactions. I'm surprised that they were so very upset by the death of their grandmother and needed counselling. Of course you all really miss her but maybe their reactions were mainly to your own grief. I think we have to be strong, honest and matter-of-fact with children.

I believe it would be difficult to adopt the 'right' granny.

Having said that, in our road there's a lovely elderly lady (Daisy) who had outlived all of her family and was 'adopted' by children (that live two doors away) whose grandparents live abroad.

She was always sitting or working in her front garden and watching them play so they began chatting - and that's how it all started.

Now she joins the family for Sunday lunch, outings and special occasions. It's just wonderful that they keep an eye on her and she's so happy with the kids for company!

Wishing you well MissingaNan.

Thanks for all your lovely positive helpful comments. I have decided adopt a Nanny is not a option, nor is it a good idea. I do find being a Mum very hard & I suppose being a Mum without a Mum is my struggle. I will however never give up no matter what life throws at me as my three little beauties are my life & I will do what ever it takes to make them happy & keep them safe. Me & my Husband don’t work & haven’t for some-time I also feel this is making life that much harder. As knowing whether to carry on this unhappy relationship for my kids sake is not the best option. As without me being happy is going to affect my kids. I have some big decisions to make I guess.

P.S. Is that a contradiction in terms "Spontaneously getting to know each other" I think so.....lol but you know what I mean I hope

I also think it is you that is grieving MissingNan. Sometimes children simply don't have grandparents others may never see much of them. All your children will worry about is having a loving home environment with lots of fun. IF, you are upset, because their only grandparents don't want to know, then it will show (as children are very intuitive). They will be more upset for you than themselves.

From what you have said - I don't know why you bothered trying a second or third time. Clearly they don't want to know (for whatever reason). It isn't normal but - dare I say - their prerogative ..if that's what they want then move on, treat them same. I don't think you really need to explain too much to your young children unless you have built up this big picture in their minds of having more contact with the GP's? If they do ask why they don't see them just say they are busy or something...they will soon forget (not exactly telling truth but not a lie either)

Also this question has been raised more than once and almost all agree it is never wise to consciously go looking for substitute grandparents or anybody else for that matter (unless a paid nanny). Relationships happen spontaneously through getting to know each other not through desperation. You would be setting the kids up for possibly more disappointment?

I hope you feel better soon x

MissingNan
My dear girl you are still grieving for you mother it is clear to anyone.
You need to see a bereavement councilor make this your first way forward.
Life is a trial at times in many ways.
There are a mix of different grand parents out there, some are very kind and help and support their families
Others want to see their GC but not all the time.
Others don't want to have anything to do with their GC.
You cannot change another human being, they have to want to themselves.

I had a similar situation, my hubby parents favoured their daughter and her children. Taking them on days outing or have them over to stay for weekends, spent lots of time and money on them.
Our children were never invited over to stay or taken out. There was nothing I could do about this.
BUT
I encouraged my hubby to take the children over about twice a month to see his parents. They were not unkind only didn't give their time or show love.
They got to know them but didn't have a relationship with them.
I didn't say anything in front of the children as to my own feelings.
My daughter was 7 when she asked why gram and grandad didn't have her over to stay for the weekend like her friends G parents did.
It's heartbreaking as mothers to hear this.
BUT you have to be extremely careful of what you say to the little ones. Whatever you do don't pass on your insecurities and worries.
You're their world and if they see you worried it will upset them terribly.
Try and say away from the negatives in your life and look for the positives, provide the children with a wonderful routine of happy things to do in the time you are with them.
I always believed my hubbys parents lost out on seeing two really lovely children grow up.
We can't always get the perfect life but we can make the best life we can with what we have.
Although as a family we live miles apart we are very close and keep in touch all the time.
Can you not put an interest into your own life outside of bringing up the children.
Do come on this site again there are lots of people here who are happy to help if they can.

Those are lovely posts Bradfordlass and dragonfly.

In the nicest possible way, I think you ARE dramatising, and stoking up drama where there needn't be any.

It seems to me that you are projecting your own issues onto your children and they are reacting to the drama that you are are creating for them.

I agree that you should talk this through with a bereavement counsellor or similar.

Your children will be fine, grandparents or not.

MissingaNan

Just do your best.
All parents want to protect their children from a wicked world but it is far better, when they are very young, to help them move on from the hurts.

Spend time doing things with your children; teach them about nature, science, music.
Encourage them to question and be curious.
Let them see you love their company and their wit and humour.
Be creative: Google crafts for kids or 'kitchen chemistry - try some simple, fun experiments such as making a volcano.

Encourage conversation and discussion and teach them how to make wise decisions.

Do all or any of this and belieev me, they won't miss having grandparents because you will be giving them a well-rounded education and a sense of self worth and they'll KNOW they are loved.

That's all any child needs - it's what your mother gave you.

Movingon your comments just astound me. You obviously have some huge axe to grind but it is inappropriate to this post.

Missinganan I am so sorry to read your story.
I do wonder, however, if it is more about you missing your mum than your children missing grandparents. Children are more resilient than you think. You are in a way trying to replace the mum in your life with your In-laws. Your children with thrive with or without grandparents. Maybe a visit to Cruse with help you grieve for your mum instead of projecting your loss onto your children.

So sad to read your post missing nan. It’s only three years since your mum died and of course you are still grieving for her. I’m sorry that it didn’t work out with your in laws but it’s their lose and as a mother you need to be strong and show your children that they still have that secure family around them. You and their dad.
You had a good childhood yourself, surrounded by family and friends and know how loving and comforting that is.

But you can still have that with your lovely children and husband. Small is still family and it’s important that you show your children how to love, how to trust and ,how to enjoy life.
I wouldn’t bring strangers into their life. Being a mum is tough but their needs come first.

Hello Missinganan.

Your distress is palpable, and i am sorry that your husbands parents have not shown interest in their grandchildren. It is certainly surprising since grandchildren bring such joy. Their loss really but that doesn't help you.

Being a parent isnt easy and you have 3 small children to care for. You are a good and loving mum, and are clearly still grieving and missing your lovely mum.
The children will have picked up on your sadness so my advice, for what its worth, is not to let your in laws behaviour affect you. You, the parents, are the most important people in their lives.

You mention your family and friends, do you see them regularly. Perhaps you already know someone older who you could invite round and get to know, take your time before deciding if they are a 'fit', I wish you well.

Many children have no grandparents, i only ever had one who i didnt see often, i accepted it, its only as an adult i feel a bit sad about it. Children are very accepting generally, i think if they see you happy they will be too.

Finally its great to aim to be the best mum but not always possible because we are only human and children are hard work, so sometimes being a good enough mum is enough.

My children grew up without any grandparents as sadly both sets had died by then.They never felt hard done by as they had enough love from us, their parents.
Your children are young and will forget these awful grandparents after a while.Don’t advertise...you don’t know what kind of people will apply for the role!
Make friends with any older neighbours if you like them, and include them, inviting for a coffee and to talk to your children.

Always been the same, my love perhaps you were brought up in a protective bubble but there were many children walking barefoot and playing in the mud, eating off neighbours, and working at 10, many orphans, much sadness
You cannot protect your children from the world you have to help them build up their own coping strategies, and crying with them isn’t going to help them at all
Yes I sound hard but you have to be their strength not their weakness
Stop worrying about their lack of grandparents do what you need to do as a strong family unit of five and teach the children that not everyone in the world is kind not everyone is going to adore them
They haven’t been through more hurt than you can bear, they have a mother they have a father they have a home
My grandkids Dad died when they were 4 and 6 now that is life changing heartache but you have to mop up the tears and show them strength to go on with one parent instead of two
Take professional advice if needed but don’t expect to wrap them up against the world that is doing them no favours at all
Good luck

Thanks for all the replies it’s been nice reading most of them. Overdramatising I am not. My kids have been through more upset in their little life’s than I would wish or my worst enemy. All I’m looking for is a way forward, some advise. To be honest seeing my Daughter so heartbroken, has broken me. I now don’t know what to do for the best. All I want is my kids to be happy & healthy nothing else matters. I don’t want them to feel some-thing is missing from their life’s. It’s so draining trying so get every-thing right. I try my best to be the best Mum. But having heartbreaking questions & people hurting my kids along the way makes it so hard. I want to protect them from the world, even knowing they have to have the hurt to make them stronger & survive this cruel world. When I was a kid I had such an amazing circle of family, families of today just seem so different. Non-exsistant.

Am I just stupid or has this thread been taken over by another posters problems
I m very confused
Going back to the original Missingananyou really are over dramatising this you are revving your children up into asking all these ‘daily’ questions and being heartbroken
Just give them a very simple explanation Nanny and granddad have moved away or are very busy people or whatever you want to say in a non commits non dramatic way and you explain that there are many different sorts of families not everyone has two sets of grandparents and indeed some children don’t even have a mum or dad or even both You are making your children into victims by all this handwringing
There are led by your emotions when they are small if you find something heartbreakingly dramatic they will too, if you find it not a big deal they will pick up on that and take it in their stride Surely you don’t want them growing up unable to deal with sadness it’s all around and unfortunately part of life it’s your job as a parent to help children grow an ability to deal with problems not buckle under them

Why would someone force the GP/GC relationship, especially when EGP's are so often criticised for wanting to see the GC, even if it's against the parents' wishes, or did you see this as another opportunity to have a go at EGP's MovingOn

No you saw another opportunity to be aggressive towards a post that doesn't exactly mirror your estranged views and chose to leave the EGP thread and try and come at me on here. Your question doesn't even make any sense for its clear that you didn't underatand my post. Your obviously irritated by my posts on that EGP thread and trying to engage.

Why would anyone post on here about the m.i.l. being taken to court to be made to see her GC MovingOn

Not sure if you deliberately chose to miss my point.

There's a huge difference between a GP who wants to see their GC but isn't allowed too, from a GM who isn't interested in her GC

And what exactly is this difference if the primary concern is the childs best interest?

MissingNan, I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this situation and so sorry that you have lost your Mum who you obviously thought the world of. I wonder if losing your Mum influenced your decision to try to rebuild the relationship with your in-laws? And whether in retrospect that was a mistake? Perhaps you could reframe the picture and help your children to adjust to a life without grandparents and to understand that this is just part of the pattern of life. Your Mum can never be replaced. Celebrate the part she played in your lives and keep alive everything she was to you all.

Are you an aggrieved d.i.l. by any chance MovingOn?

Why would anyone post on here about the m.i.l. being taken to court to be made to see her GC MovingOn?

There's a huge difference between a GP who wants to see their GC but isn't allowed too, from a GM who isn't interested in her GC.

Why would someone force the GP/GC relationship, especially when EGP's are so often criticised for wanting to see the GC, even if it's against the parents' wishes, or did you see this as another opportunity to have a go at EGP's MovingOn?

Thought I'd see a bunch of grandparents advocates coming on here to give you some advice. Typically when a grandparent posts about not seeing their grandchild, you hear all forms of comments relating to them having "rights," and how they should sue their DIL for children need their grandparents. They also allegedly do this for the best interests of the children. But on this post its almost silent. No one has told you to take your MIL to court and force her to legally visit with your child, against her will- for grandchildren need their parents and this would only be in the childs best interests. No one pushing comments on how children have a right to know their family of origin and how something must be wrong with this woman.

Those who accuse these parents for having mental illnesses are also missing from this post. No one has implied that yout MIL may have mental issues, or is entitled. Nope! These comments are only saved for AC , when a grandparent is enraged and not getting their way..

But back to your concern, I dont think it would be best to invite strangers as grandparents to your childrens lives. Just go onto the estrangement group on gransnet and see why this is an extremely bad idea. Just imgine picking one of them as a fill in grandparent.

Children grow up just fine without their grandparents. They are an accessory. Never a necessity. Think wisely.

Hi Missing Nan, oh what a heart breaking story...but sadly we have a similar story in our own grandchildren`s lives too.

Things that have happened to my gorgeous 4 grandchildren (and soon to be added to our family, to 3 new step grandsons too), are traumatic.

All these children have witnessed at close quarters, broken homes, divorced parents and estranged grandparents.

My hubby and I go out of our way to show love, consistence and interest in their lives. I couldn't live with myself if I ever turned my back on any of them.

I cant begin to understand why anyone else would deliberately shun a grand child. I feel so blessed to have them in my life.

I know some people cannot help their circumstances, as can happen when an ex moves away or refuses to let them see the grandchildren.

Having tried so hard (twice!) to keep your in laws in your children`s lives, for them to become attached and then to see them bewildered as to what`s gone wrong, is simply soul destroying.

My heart goes out to you.xxxx