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Grandparenting

Looking for a Nanny to love my 3 beautiful amazing children

(30 Posts)
MissingaNan Sat 16-Nov-19 23:17:14

Hi all,

Don’t know really where to start but here goes ...

I lost my amazing Mum 3 Years ago she really was an amazing person, one of a kind & really as she was as perfect as you can get.

I have three beautiful amazing kids who she adored & they adored her. We all terribly miss her. My eldest 2 are having counselling to help with their heart healing.

On to my Husband’s parents. Well they washed their hands with us, when we had just one child who was only 5 Months old & I was pregnant with my second.

My Husband left the army on medical grounds as he’s mental health was badly effected. His parents said he was a failure & a let down to them. Being as their from a military background, to leave the army in their family for any reason was a big no no.

I helped my Husband heal & he is an amazing hard working Dad.

When we lost my Mum my eldest two kept asking why all their friends had 2 Nanny’s & 2 Grandad’s. We explained that we had lost contact with their other Grandparents & would try our best to contact them. I sent them a really nice E-mail, much to my disgust after the way they previously treated my Husband, baby & unborn baby by just washing their hands with us. But I suppose wanting to give them a second chance & believe people can change. I put my own feelings a side & decided for my kids, I would try to give them back what they was missing, regardless of the pain it would cause me. After sending my E-mail asking how they were. Explaining we now have 3 amazing kids, 2 of which they had never met & asking if they would be happy to put the past in the past & get to know them, as the kids were desperate to meet them. They refused this, continuing with their evil ways. A while passed still with my kids asking about them. I decided yet again to try. This time it was successful. I hated every moment of meeting up with them every Weekend. Them making my children happy & laugh. When they’d be so evil in the past & my amazing Mum couldn’t do this. But seeing my children happy was the most important thing. So a Year passed with them being ok. My kids gained a bond. Things started to go wrong. They told us they was moving away in 3 Years. They told my eldest sensitive boy who’s only 7. If one of them was the die the other would kill theirselves. This was just a few of the terrible things they done. They don’t speak to their own Daughter who herself has 5 children, all who have nothing to do with them. Well the Sister decided to try rebuild with them too. This caused a problem some how for us as again the Mum turned really evil. She requested a break from us, which we gave her 2 Weeks infact. After the 2 Weeks of no contact. My children were asking questions, I just didn’t have the answers too. I decided to text her to see how she was & to see where we was going from here. No response. I had to break the news to my kids, we wouldn’t be seeing them again. I spend so much time & effort on my kids making them see how amazing they are. To have two people come into their life’s & destroy all the hard work I do. My Daughter who’s only 6 is heartbroken. My eldest boy who’s 7 hasn’t really said much & my 4 Year old Son doesn’t really understand. My Daughter asks me every-day since if we’re so amazing Mummy, why doesn’t our Nanny & Grandad love us enough to want to see us any-more. It breaks my heart. As if loosing their amazing Nan wasn’t enough, but now I have let two monsters into their life’s to cause nothing but pain.

So thanks for reading this long story, just really needed the rant & to make you understand how important this post is.

My Daughter is pleading with me to adopt her a Nan. All she wants is the love & cuddles. Not after any-one’s money, no gifts ever needed. Just some-ones time & love.

We’re from Kent, England. Would love to find some-one who can give my family the missing Nan & Grandad. There must be some-one out there missing the grandkids too.

BradfordLass72 Sun 17-Nov-19 04:23:05

Your children are better off without these nasty people.

My graandson's other grandparents said things very similar to him when he was younger.

Like your children, he wondered what he had done wrong if they didn't love him.

I was planning to make scrambled eggs for us and he said he disliked scrambled eggs smile so I was able to explain that it was not actually the fault of the scrambled eggs that he didn't like them - that's just the way it was.

Scrambled eggs were, to most people, absolutely delicious.
Likewise, it was not his fault if his gps didn't like him, he was a great person and good company but they couldn't see that.

Your children should be reassured that they (like the eggs) did nothing wrong at all.

The grandparents in our life, were eventually cut off from contact because they did so much damage - my grandson used to come home from visits with them absolutely distraught at what they had said to him.
Now he doesn't see them and doesn't even have to face the prospect of it, he is much calmer.

We have explained to him that some people, unfortunately, have brains which don't really work properly and so they say and do horrible things.

It's a kind way of explaining to a young child but later on, when he is older and stronger, he'll learn the truth.

I would, if I were you, be very careful indeed about letting anyone come close to your children unless YOU have first got to know them thoroughly (not just one or two visits) and even then, never, ever leave them alone with an adult, unless you are within earshot.
They have suffered enough.

BlueBelle Sun 17-Nov-19 07:38:09

Very questionable thing to do in my opinion It’s one thing to encourage a well known and trusted friend or neighbour workmate etc to be involved in your children’s life but to advertise for surrogate grandparents is so scary
Two of my grandkids only have me and their mum in their lives Dad .died, his parents long gone before they were born, , and my ex also dead who was not interested in them before he died, they have grown up perfectly ok ....it’s life
Your children have you and their Dad you can’t force the other grandparents to be involved and you can’t always make everything right
Stop dwelling on what they haven’t got with them give one explanation about the absent grandparents then move on to other things you are causing more problems by making it HUGE, its not, having a mum and dad and a comfortable life is

theretheredear Sun 17-Nov-19 09:31:45

I hope you find someone to be a surrogate smile
Wishing you all the best 😊

sodapop Sun 17-Nov-19 12:42:11

Totally agree with BlueBelle you are over dramatising things which is not helping your children. Advertising in this way is leaving you open to very plausible people who may harm your family.
Enjoy your time together with your children and husband and forget about 'if only'

boodymum67 Sun 17-Nov-19 13:15:05

Hi Missing Nan, oh what a heart breaking story...but sadly we have a similar story in our own grandchildren`s lives too.

Things that have happened to my gorgeous 4 grandchildren (and soon to be added to our family, to 3 new step grandsons too), are traumatic.

All these children have witnessed at close quarters, broken homes, divorced parents and estranged grandparents.

My hubby and I go out of our way to show love, consistence and interest in their lives. I couldn't live with myself if I ever turned my back on any of them.

I cant begin to understand why anyone else would deliberately shun a grand child. I feel so blessed to have them in my life.

I know some people cannot help their circumstances, as can happen when an ex moves away or refuses to let them see the grandchildren.

Having tried so hard (twice!) to keep your in laws in your children`s lives, for them to become attached and then to see them bewildered as to what`s gone wrong, is simply soul destroying.

My heart goes out to you.xxxx

MovingOn2018 Sun 17-Nov-19 17:10:44

Thought I'd see a bunch of grandparents advocates coming on here to give you some advice. Typically when a grandparent posts about not seeing their grandchild, you hear all forms of comments relating to them having "rights," and how they should sue their DIL for children need their grandparents. They also allegedly do this for the best interests of the children. But on this post its almost silent. No one has told you to take your MIL to court and force her to legally visit with your child, against her will- for grandchildren need their parents and this would only be in the childs best interests. No one pushing comments on how children have a right to know their family of origin and how something must be wrong with this woman.

Those who accuse these parents for having mental illnesses are also missing from this post. No one has implied that yout MIL may have mental issues, or is entitled. Nope! These comments are only saved for AC , when a grandparent is enraged and not getting their way..

But back to your concern, I dont think it would be best to invite strangers as grandparents to your childrens lives. Just go onto the estrangement group on gransnet and see why this is an extremely bad idea. Just imgine picking one of them as a fill in grandparent.

Children grow up just fine without their grandparents. They are an accessory. Never a necessity. Think wisely.

Smileless2012 Sun 17-Nov-19 17:21:25

Why would anyone post on here about the m.i.l. being taken to court to be made to see her GC MovingOn?

There's a huge difference between a GP who wants to see their GC but isn't allowed too, from a GM who isn't interested in her GC.

Why would someone force the GP/GC relationship, especially when EGP's are so often criticised for wanting to see the GC, even if it's against the parents' wishes, or did you see this as another opportunity to have a go at EGP's MovingOn?

Smileless2012 Sun 17-Nov-19 17:22:11

Are you an aggrieved d.i.l. by any chance MovingOn?

GrannyLaine Sun 17-Nov-19 17:39:28

MissingNan, I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this situation and so sorry that you have lost your Mum who you obviously thought the world of. I wonder if losing your Mum influenced your decision to try to rebuild the relationship with your in-laws? And whether in retrospect that was a mistake? Perhaps you could reframe the picture and help your children to adjust to a life without grandparents and to understand that this is just part of the pattern of life. Your Mum can never be replaced. Celebrate the part she played in your lives and keep alive everything she was to you all.

MovingOn2018 Sun 17-Nov-19 18:01:06

Why would anyone post on here about the m.i.l. being taken to court to be made to see her GC MovingOn

Not sure if you deliberately chose to miss my point.

There's a huge difference between a GP who wants to see their GC but isn't allowed too, from a GM who isn't interested in her GC

And what exactly is this difference if the primary concern is the childs best interest?

MovingOn2018 Sun 17-Nov-19 18:05:46

Why would someone force the GP/GC relationship, especially when EGP's are so often criticised for wanting to see the GC, even if it's against the parents' wishes, or did you see this as another opportunity to have a go at EGP's MovingOn

No you saw another opportunity to be aggressive towards a post that doesn't exactly mirror your estranged views and chose to leave the EGP thread and try and come at me on here. Your question doesn't even make any sense for its clear that you didn't underatand my post. Your obviously irritated by my posts on that EGP thread and trying to engage. hmm

BlueBelle Sun 17-Nov-19 18:33:56

Am I just stupid or has this thread been taken over by another posters problems
I m very confused
Going back to the original Missingananyou really are over dramatising this you are revving your children up into asking all these ‘daily’ questions and being heartbroken
Just give them a very simple explanation Nanny and granddad have moved away or are very busy people or whatever you want to say in a non commits non dramatic way and you explain that there are many different sorts of families not everyone has two sets of grandparents and indeed some children don’t even have a mum or dad or even both You are making your children into victims by all this handwringing
There are led by your emotions when they are small if you find something heartbreakingly dramatic they will too, if you find it not a big deal they will pick up on that and take it in their stride Surely you don’t want them growing up unable to deal with sadness it’s all around and unfortunately part of life it’s your job as a parent to help children grow an ability to deal with problems not buckle under them

MissingaNan Sun 17-Nov-19 20:29:57

Thanks for all the replies it’s been nice reading most of them. Overdramatising I am not. My kids have been through more upset in their little life’s than I would wish or my worst enemy. All I’m looking for is a way forward, some advise. To be honest seeing my Daughter so heartbroken, has broken me. I now don’t know what to do for the best. All I want is my kids to be happy & healthy nothing else matters. I don’t want them to feel some-thing is missing from their life’s. It’s so draining trying so get every-thing right. I try my best to be the best Mum. But having heartbreaking questions & people hurting my kids along the way makes it so hard. I want to protect them from the world, even knowing they have to have the hurt to make them stronger & survive this cruel world. When I was a kid I had such an amazing circle of family, families of today just seem so different. Non-exsistant.

BlueBelle Sun 17-Nov-19 21:12:34

Always been the same, my love perhaps you were brought up in a protective bubble but there were many children walking barefoot and playing in the mud, eating off neighbours, and working at 10, many orphans, much sadness
You cannot protect your children from the world you have to help them build up their own coping strategies, and crying with them isn’t going to help them at all
Yes I sound hard but you have to be their strength not their weakness
Stop worrying about their lack of grandparents do what you need to do as a strong family unit of five and teach the children that not everyone in the world is kind not everyone is going to adore them
They haven’t been through more hurt than you can bear, they have a mother they have a father they have a home
My grandkids Dad died when they were 4 and 6 now that is life changing heartache but you have to mop up the tears and show them strength to go on with one parent instead of two
Take professional advice if needed but don’t expect to wrap them up against the world that is doing them no favours at all
Good luck

lemongrove Sun 17-Nov-19 21:17:10

My children grew up without any grandparents as sadly both sets had died by then.They never felt hard done by as they had enough love from us, their parents.
Your children are young and will forget these awful grandparents after a while.Don’t advertise...you don’t know what kind of people will apply for the role!
Make friends with any older neighbours if you like them, and include them, inviting for a coffee and to talk to your children.

silverlining48 Sun 17-Nov-19 21:29:15

Hello Missinganan.

Your distress is palpable, and i am sorry that your husbands parents have not shown interest in their grandchildren. It is certainly surprising since grandchildren bring such joy. Their loss really but that doesn't help you.

Being a parent isnt easy and you have 3 small children to care for. You are a good and loving mum, and are clearly still grieving and missing your lovely mum.
The children will have picked up on your sadness so my advice, for what its worth, is not to let your in laws behaviour affect you. You, the parents, are the most important people in their lives.

You mention your family and friends, do you see them regularly. Perhaps you already know someone older who you could invite round and get to know, take your time before deciding if they are a 'fit', I wish you well.

Many children have no grandparents, i only ever had one who i didnt see often, i accepted it, its only as an adult i feel a bit sad about it. Children are very accepting generally, i think if they see you happy they will be too.

Finally its great to aim to be the best mum but not always possible because we are only human and children are hard work, so sometimes being a good enough mum is enough.

Granniesunite Sun 17-Nov-19 21:39:38

So sad to read your post missing nan. It’s only three years since your mum died and of course you are still grieving for her. I’m sorry that it didn’t work out with your in laws but it’s their lose and as a mother you need to be strong and show your children that they still have that secure family around them. You and their dad.
You had a good childhood yourself, surrounded by family and friends and know how loving and comforting that is.

But you can still have that with your lovely children and husband. Small is still family and it’s important that you show your children how to love, how to trust and ,how to enjoy life.
I wouldn’t bring strangers into their life. Being a mum is tough but their needs come first.

dragonfly46 Mon 18-Nov-19 01:28:22

Missinganan I am so sorry to read your story.
I do wonder, however, if it is more about you missing your mum than your children missing grandparents. Children are more resilient than you think. You are in a way trying to replace the mum in your life with your In-laws. Your children with thrive with or without grandparents. Maybe a visit to Cruse with help you grieve for your mum instead of projecting your loss onto your children.

dragonfly46 Mon 18-Nov-19 01:30:03

Movingon your comments just astound me. You obviously have some huge axe to grind but it is inappropriate to this post.

BradfordLass72 Mon 18-Nov-19 08:57:29

MissingaNan

Just do your best.
All parents want to protect their children from a wicked world but it is far better, when they are very young, to help them move on from the hurts.

Spend time doing things with your children; teach them about nature, science, music.
Encourage them to question and be curious.
Let them see you love their company and their wit and humour.
Be creative: Google crafts for kids or 'kitchen chemistry - try some simple, fun experiments such as making a volcano.

Encourage conversation and discussion and teach them how to make wise decisions.

Do all or any of this and belieev me, they won't miss having grandparents because you will be giving them a well-rounded education and a sense of self worth and they'll KNOW they are loved.

That's all any child needs - it's what your mother gave you.

oldgimmer1 Mon 18-Nov-19 09:07:44

In the nicest possible way, I think you ARE dramatising, and stoking up drama where there needn't be any.

It seems to me that you are projecting your own issues onto your children and they are reacting to the drama that you are are creating for them.

I agree that you should talk this through with a bereavement counsellor or similar.

Your children will be fine, grandparents or not.

Smileless2012 Mon 18-Nov-19 14:19:22

Those are lovely posts Bradfordlass and dragonflysmile.

jeanie99 Mon 18-Nov-19 20:05:24

MissingNan
My dear girl you are still grieving for you mother it is clear to anyone.
You need to see a bereavement councilor make this your first way forward.
Life is a trial at times in many ways.
There are a mix of different grand parents out there, some are very kind and help and support their families
Others want to see their GC but not all the time.
Others don't want to have anything to do with their GC.
You cannot change another human being, they have to want to themselves.

I had a similar situation, my hubby parents favoured their daughter and her children. Taking them on days outing or have them over to stay for weekends, spent lots of time and money on them.
Our children were never invited over to stay or taken out. There was nothing I could do about this.
BUT
I encouraged my hubby to take the children over about twice a month to see his parents. They were not unkind only didn't give their time or show love.
They got to know them but didn't have a relationship with them.
I didn't say anything in front of the children as to my own feelings.
My daughter was 7 when she asked why gram and grandad didn't have her over to stay for the weekend like her friends G parents did.
It's heartbreaking as mothers to hear this.
BUT you have to be extremely careful of what you say to the little ones. Whatever you do don't pass on your insecurities and worries.
You're their world and if they see you worried it will upset them terribly.
Try and say away from the negatives in your life and look for the positives, provide the children with a wonderful routine of happy things to do in the time you are with them.
I always believed my hubbys parents lost out on seeing two really lovely children grow up.
We can't always get the perfect life but we can make the best life we can with what we have.
Although as a family we live miles apart we are very close and keep in touch all the time.
Can you not put an interest into your own life outside of bringing up the children.
Do come on this site again there are lots of people here who are happy to help if they can.

Tedber Wed 20-Nov-19 12:13:40

I also think it is you that is grieving MissingNan. Sometimes children simply don't have grandparents others may never see much of them. All your children will worry about is having a loving home environment with lots of fun. IF, you are upset, because their only grandparents don't want to know, then it will show (as children are very intuitive). They will be more upset for you than themselves.

From what you have said - I don't know why you bothered trying a second or third time. Clearly they don't want to know (for whatever reason). It isn't normal but - dare I say - their prerogative ..if that's what they want then move on, treat them same. I don't think you really need to explain too much to your young children unless you have built up this big picture in their minds of having more contact with the GP's? If they do ask why they don't see them just say they are busy or something...they will soon forget (not exactly telling truth but not a lie either)

Also this question has been raised more than once and almost all agree it is never wise to consciously go looking for substitute grandparents or anybody else for that matter (unless a paid nanny). Relationships happen spontaneously through getting to know each other not through desperation. You would be setting the kids up for possibly more disappointment?

I hope you feel better soon x