Ungrateful family

Although you are feeling unappreciated it is important to remember that your family have come because you are a safe haven. So they know you will help them. Lots of people crowded together does cause problems and arguments. I would say take a deep breath and consider the long view rather than a quick fix (but do get some rest). My DD, husband and toddler moved in for a couple of months between houses and stayed 9 months. My husband especially who worked from home got tired and exhausted. I told my DD that the time had come to seriously look for somewhere else. She understood (they were just too comfortable) and they found a nice place to rent. No resentment on either side. Just be honest that you are so tired and try to put negative feelings aside. You really want to try and preserve relationships for the long term. Best wishes.

Sadly people will only take advantage of you if you let them - and that goes for family too. Take the dog for a nice long walk and let them get on with it and if they’ve left all the dishes - you leave them too! Someone else will have to do them when there are no clean ones left.

But think carefully, are your concerns really about their behaviour, or is it that there are just too many people under in too small a house and you're feeling under siege? It would be a shame to start up some sort of argument when really all you needed to do was get some of them out of the house. It was probably a mistake to have your other daughter and family to stay - at least for more than one or two nights - at the same time another one had actually moved in. AND for some reason you've decided to host extra people for a dinner party. Your problem may be that you've stretched yourself too far, and if you had not, then you might be finding their behaviour feels more normal.

If you get upset and emotional when trying to talk about it, just write down how you feel. Let them read and digest your note. Somehow, things are taken more seriously in written form. Refuse to be the family doormat now - and give them reasonable notice to make other arrangements.

I think you have brought them up to think that if all else fails, even if all else is very trivial, they can always rely on mum to pick up the pieces. Which is something we all do, but we should only do it in extremis.

Once children know that you will bail them out, they will keep expecting you to. We were quite hard on our children when they were setting out on life. Any loans had to be accompanied by fail safe repayment plans and we would always help them sort problems, but leave them to implement the solutions. Now they are in their 40's we can be generous, because they both stand on their own feet instinctively and solve their own problems.

So, pull the rug out. Insist daughter looks after the dog or gives it to rescue shelter and cut the apron strings to other daughter. No more financial bale-outs and send them home and welcome them back for Christmas week. While they are with you allocate each two days of the week when they can do the food shopping and cooking. Also charge then for their keep.

Generally the less you do or give AC, the more they appreciate the help and are grateful for it when you do help them.

You sound as though you have my life....or I have yours, one way or another! Sounds as though you may support XR too.....!
Keep smiling is my advice. It’ll all blow over and normal life will soon resume ?

I'd give both sets of ACs a list of properties to rent and give them a month to find one suitable.

If you can try to speak to them before you angrily blurt out something like I did when my daughter was here. I didn't have anywhere to sit of a night when I came home from work and other things happened.
It's weird everyone is in their own bubble and when grown children come back with their babies they are totally consumed and nobody else seems to exist. They forget they are in some one else's home and just think of it as the home they grew up in and therefore they do as much or as little as they used to do when they lived at home and you end up with the stress of doing everything, hearing them moan and the stress of wanting everyone to be happy, in fact you are soaking up all stresses while they seem oblivious.

How long are they all staying? I assume the ones with the baby are just there for a short time while the one with the dog has moved in.

Hioefullybthe one who has mkved in is contributing to costs - and if not then that needs to be rectified. Maybe they could oay for a dog walker or to take the dog to doggy day care if they are out at work. Again tell the one who is living there to step up with doing some chores or contribute funds for a cleaner - I assume they are working, if not then they have time to look after their own dog and do chores!!

I would book myself a few days/week away somewhere sunny to gather my thoughts and rest. No contact with family other than to say things have to change when/if I come back and leave them to stew for a bit. Spend your money on you not your selfish AC. Its nice to help out but to be causing yourself financial hardship and be criticised when looking after people is too much. Ive started to think, how would my lot manage without me and my money when I die, and I come up with that they'd have to so they can damn well do it while I'm alive. Im getting divorced, at at the moment daddy is favourite because he has all the money. Lets see what happens when we sell the house and hes had to hand some of it to me, or they feel ill and want a bit of mum care or want baby/petsitting, I'll be the one they come to for practical help. Well kids sorry but I'll probably be sat on a terrace in Tuscany or playing the slots in Vegas, things I've always wanted to do but put family first. Live the rest of your life for you, your AC and OH will have to grow up.

Sounds as though you each have your own stresses and are taking it out on one another. I think you are getting the worst of it because they know they can make use of you and you put up with them.
I had problems with family staying and taking advantage of me last month. Finally DD said 'I think we'd better go as we're obviously causing you stress.' I replied, 'Yes, that sounds like a good idea' and after that they stayed, all calmed down and everyone tried to help out.

Perhaps you should do just that! Leave them a note saying that you feel downtrodden and under appreciated and that you’ve gone away for 2 nights and will back on Monday (or whatever)
And go to a friend or buy some books and go to a nice air b&b, it could even be local. Just go and let them miss you.

I would recommend ecploring to Codependents Anonymous to help you take your power back and also read a seminal book on human relationships called ‘The Games People Play’ which shows the part you play in the dynamic and how to get out of it. Good luck.

well you could go out for the day and let them get on with it. treat yourself to a day out. or take the dog out for the day. OR make up a rota of who does what.but if they pick on you dont hide it inside or bottle it up .say in a loud voice .dont speak to me like that .its very hurtful. you dont say if baby's parents are working? what is wrong with them buying their own food and cooking it.its your home .you say what is happening...sit down and talk to them .dont be apologetic its your home..

Xrgran - You are being taken for granted but in the worst possible way because this is being accompanied with criticism which is totally damaging to your self-esteem.
It's all very well pussy-footing around but that's not a solution that will raise your self-esteem and it looks as though that's pretty downtrodden at the moment, so the only sensible way forward is not to collude with everyone who is being critical of you and to say upfront to everybody in front of everybody else, maybe when you put the meal on the table that you have logged the number of critical comments made about you by different people over the last few days and have decided that you are not going to be the brunt of all their frustrations. That means that for one full day you will do nothing for anybody - no cleaning, no washing up, no cooking - that you will expect 'somebody' to do all of that and to have your meal on the table when you 'return' from your day out. If all those chores are not done and there is no meal on the table, remove the offer of accommodation. This is what you are entitled to - a life without criticism especially from people for whom you are doing a favour. If you bottle all this up and continue playing the martyr you are simply colluding and bringing yourself down.

I agree with Miss Adventure

Then just do it !
They are adults
Someone finds fault or uses you say 'ok you do it ...bye'
And go out
Have a meal sauna makeover
You are chosing to let them walk over you
Why?

When I fled my abusive ex-husband I moved in with my mom, bringing my very prem baby too. I appreciated her letting me stay and did all the cleaning, cooking and laundry to help.
I think your family sound like they are dumping on mom. I think you need to say something to the daughter who is living with you and your partner to stop being critical and taking you for granted. As soon as you can take a duvet day.
Good luck xx

Maybe you and he could make it a 'rule' that one night a wk you both go out together,so you have a breather from them all,and/or you both eat out for sunday lunch too so you are not responsible for everyone elses meal etc. Might make you both feel less 'parents' and more 'couply'

I’d say ..thank god for the dog! Means you can leave the building...not feeling guilty...and hopefully return in a better temper (if you are anything like me)! Totally agree that you tell the ‘assembly’ as you leave that you expect a meal on your return.

And yes,have a quiet chat on another day about all the extra work with your partner,it could be hes as fed up as you with them all,but secretly seething with you as theyre 'your' AC, he may be ready to chat when you get back from your 'shopping trip' anyway,so it would open the door for you both to make new rules together of what you expect the 'guests' to do for themselves,and stick to it!

Some of us grannys do tend to be taken for granted a bit, but if the family realized this I think they'd be ashamed and sorry. It's hard sometimes to speak up and stand up for one's self but if you just told them to have more respect and consideration and not expect so much from you, they might be better. I would try to say it in a way not to end up in a row as when you're all calm you might regret it. So be straight, firm and honest and then take yourself off for several hours and see how they get on. I bet they'll respect you more for it and have a nice cup of tea ready for when you get back. Lets hope aye?

Why are you being a doormat? You don’t have to continue to do everything for them just because you gave birth to them many years ago?
Be firm and give them a list of jobs to do around the house whilst they’re staying with you.
Take yourself out for the day and go to the cinema or anywhere that you’d like to visit. Invite a friend along. Maybe even book into a nice B&B overnight too.

They’re taking liberties because you’re allowing it to happen.
You do have choices.

Definitely go out for as long as you can with the dog (who will not be judgemental in any way) to have some time on your own and nothing like fresh air to make you feel better. Say you will be back in time for the the next meal (whatever that maybe) and you expect it to be on the table when you get back. And when you get back say you are going to do that every day......good luck

Yes take yourself off for a day out- tell them all to manage without you.if you need a 'white lie' say your going browsing for christmas gifts,( it is black friday weekend,after all,good sales on) then browse the shops(treat yourself) buy your own lunch out,grab a movie,(i mite do that myself today) and then get back when the grandchilds in bed,the dogs been walked,they've all had evening meal..& make yourself a sandwich& a cuppa & go up for an early night with a good( maybe new?) book.if they ask if you bought gifts just say there wasnt much in yet. AND DONT COOK FOR THEM ALL IN FUTURE! Theyre old enough to see to themselves now.

Sit both sets of adult children down and tell them that you need help with the housework now that you are so many in the house.

You are willing to have them, but you are not running a hotel.

Ask each adult to be responsible for making their own bed, hoovering and dusting bedroom and tidying up after themselves in the bathroom.

Make a list of who cooks the family dinner on which day of the week and does the requisite shopping. The dog is not your responsibility and whoever actually owns it should be walking and feeding it, plus paying the dog-food.

Things like hoovering the sitting-room and washing the kitchen floor should also be done in turn by the various adults.

You should not be supporting an adult daughter and her child - if she is neither in work, nor able to work, she must qualify for some kind of social security and be handing over money for her keep to you - not the other way around,

And yes, run all this past your partner, so you can talk to the "kids" together.