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Ungrateful family

(88 Posts)
Xrgran Sun 24-Nov-19 11:18:53

I have to vent!

One adult child and dog have moved in with us temporarily and other DD and baby and husband have come to stay.In a very small house and with me doing most of the dog care.

There have been many problems with DD and I’ve given up lots of time and money I don’t have trying to support them with new baby,.

I’ve been up really early cooking a meal as more family are coming for lunch but today everything I do is wrong my partner is the same just finding fault with me all the time.

TBH I prefer animals to most people and would be quite happy not to have had any grandchildren.

I’ve had to put my life on hold and suffer considerably financially which is acceptable but I find all the critical stuff hard to accept and just feel like telling them all to get on with it without me!

Septimia Sun 24-Nov-19 11:26:47

Perhaps you should just tell them that, although you are willing to help and that you care about them, at the moment you are feeling very put upon.

Oopsminty Sun 24-Nov-19 11:35:03

I think I'd move out if I were you, Xrgran

fourormore Sun 24-Nov-19 11:41:58

Easier said than done Septimia which I'm sure you know. The liberties our AC take are horrendous aren't they.
Are you generally getting support from your partner Xrgran - if he is normally supportive it could be that he is grumpy because he is as sick of it as you?
You sound completely resigned and deflated.
Perhaps you and your partner could join forces and tell them all that you want your home back and that they should find else somewhere to live. Give them a sensible time scale but stress they have to stand independently - but I do know (sadly from experience sad) that telling them that is not easy. It is not acceptable for you to suffer financially - they are adults!
I wish you luck and hope it can be solved.
Please don't be unhappy at having a grandchild - they are a gift, but I know what you mean!

MissAdventure Sun 24-Nov-19 11:43:46

People can only take what liberties you allow them to.

Being supportive doesn't mean being a martyr.

I'd take myself off out for the day and leave them to fend for their adult selves.

onlyruth Sun 24-Nov-19 11:56:31

"Look. I'm happy to have you all here, but please. This is my home and I'm trying to cook you all a nice meal. It's very hard to be criticised all the time when I'm trying so hard to support you all"

kircubbin2000 Sun 24-Nov-19 11:58:30

Tell someone else to cook.

Gonegirl Sun 24-Nov-19 12:07:13

What a nightmare. You might as well get on and dish the meal up today, but afterwards say you have a headache and go to your bedroom and lie down with a book or the radio. Say you would appreciate a cup of tea being brought up.

Then later on this afternoon, after you have rested. have a word with the lot of them. Tell them it's all too much.

And do NOTHING for the dog!

Gonegirl Sun 24-Nov-19 12:08:58

You could just drop everything and bugger off for the rest of the day, but where would you go on a bleak November day? And anyway, you need to enjoy your portion of the meal.

jura2 Sun 24-Nov-19 12:11:13

You need to sit them down, and calmly, but firmly- tell them how you feel and how you expect them to help out- and that you will NOT be a doormat or a squivvy- mean it, and stick to it.

hugs so so hard.

cornergran Sun 24-Nov-19 12:21:02

You sound too exhausted to challenge them today. We don't know how you got to this point so any thoughts can only be generalised. Is there a friend close by you can talk to and perhaps escape to sometimes? I do think adult children have a tendency to turn into truculent teenagers at times and yes, expect Mum to do what she always has. Its time for an honest chat, yes you love them but you're exhausted and need them to pull their weight as any adult should. No, they aren't 'helping' they are adults sharing in the production of a meal or day to day chores if sharing your home. Perhaps get through today, have a chat with your partner, find out if he is as tired of it as you are today. Have a chat with your family when you aren't feeling so stressed, plan what you will say and stay calm if you can. If you ask for specifics and they don't happen then best have a clear plan about what happens next. Good luck, I hope venting has made a difference today. There's always someone here who will listen.

EllanVannin Sun 24-Nov-19 12:26:16

Grandchildren should have arrived before our children,hahahahaha. I'd have been happy with that.

rosenoir Sun 24-Nov-19 12:35:43

Concentrate on when they have all gone, it is something lovely to look forward to, keep telling yourself, this is not forever and help in any way you can to get them all out.

Tedber Sun 24-Nov-19 17:45:33

Understand totally. Just refuse to be a doormat!

Personally, tomorrow, I would take the dog out for a long walk and ask them what time you should be back for dinner?

A lot of AC revert to children when back home - just make sure they know it isn’t an option. Dish out duties if necessary.

How long are they all expecting to stay? Don’t let it get you down. Just be more assertive.

Hithere Sun 24-Nov-19 18:30:40

1. Your AC with dog must move out if he/she doesn't take care of dog and follows your rules

2. What is the issue with your dd?
Why can't dd, her dh and baby stay at a hotel?

3. Stop being their maid.
They can cook their own food, for example

BlueBelle Sun 24-Nov-19 18:56:05

You are letting everyone walk over you I d definitely disappear for the day Tell them where the food is and you and your husband go off for a lovely meal out and a rest day

travelsafar Sun 24-Nov-19 18:59:04

Book yourself a weekend away. There are plenty of coach companies that do weekend trips so you are not completely alone and you can visit places of interest and have YOUR meals cooked for you and your room cleaned after you have left. It will do you the world of good and make them be a bit more appreciative when you return.

Tartlet Sun 24-Nov-19 19:08:46

The first thing to say is that I don’t think I’d have agreed to have anyone else come to stay if one of my AC and dog was already living with me but realise that saying No is often difficult.

As it is, I think the best option is to grin and bear it this time (assuming that your DD’s visit is only short) and try to avoid the same situation in the future.

I know from personal experience that sometimes you get less gratitude and appreciation from those you’ve helped the most and although I think that help and support given to AC should be freely given and without expectation, it is very nice to have that help and support acknowledged.

Tartlet Sun 24-Nov-19 19:11:52

Just to add that we often say that in another life we wouldn’t rush to offer so much help and support to AC but stand back more. Without allowing anyone to go under if we could have prevented it.

Chloejo Sun 24-Nov-19 19:22:30

my daughter ungrateful too single parent do everything help with childcare and money although she is working! sometimes do too much I had a right go one day. I had enough I told her few home truths that most adult children don't get a fraction of the help she gets. It gets to you at times yes just go out for a coffee I sometimes go into local weatherspoons have meal and glass of wine great on my own and I feel better.we spoil them and they don't give us back much in return

crazyH Sun 24-Nov-19 19:26:13

Xrgran, why do you have to cook for everyone ? I did that every Sunday, until the 3 AC got married and had families of their own. Now they do their own cooking and once in a while, I am invited. Actually, I am glad of a nice quiet Sunday, all to myself.

Madgran77 Sun 24-Nov-19 19:30:49

"Cant do anything right" "Always in the wrong" " Treated a bit like an idiot!" "Taken for granted"

You didn't specifically say those, but you could have! Recognise them all! Sad how often we see similar on Gransnet. You are not alone XrGran

Hetty58 Sun 24-Nov-19 19:54:26

I just walked out one day. There were eight people living here, four ACs, 2 partners a grandchild and myself. I'd had a really hard week teaching, Saturday cleaning, shopping, washing etc. and was cooking the Sunday dinner when - I suddenly ran out of steam! I went to my friends house, put my feet up and was waited on - bliss!

Smileless2012 Mon 25-Nov-19 16:37:58

I agree with fourormore, have a talk with your partner as I'm sure you'll find it's getting him down as much as it is you, then the two of sit down together and present a united front.

We all want to be there for, and support our children no matter what their ages but there's a big difference between giving a little financial support and suffering "financially considerably" IMO ArGran, especially as both parents are there.

Not being/feeling appreciated isn't very nice at all. I hope that you and you're partner can get things on a more even keel.

endlessstrife Mon 25-Nov-19 16:49:08

Take the last sentence of your post and do just that! Good luck.