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I'm not the mother he expected, and probaby won't be the grandmother he expcts either

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mothercat Mon 09-Dec-19 21:55:02

Madgran77, yes I've tried several times but each time it becomes a long list of how I behave and how he feels about it instead. It is very bruising to accept his words and not to defend myself, but offering a defense just looks like I am trying to rationalize my actions and discount his feelings so I avoid that and simply accept what he has to say.
In turn I have done things for him to show my support that I haven't done for the other kids. It makes little to no difference.

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mothercat Mon 09-Dec-19 21:48:43

I was just looking at the thread about estrangement and the article you linked to. It is sad, but comforting to know I'm not alone.
I just got a followup FB message from him about the baby shower this weekend. It's like the earlier messages he sent upbraiding me never existed.
Thank you for the advice.

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Madgran77 Mon 09-Dec-19 21:47:03

Mothercat That sounds very difficult for you. Have you been able to sit down and really listen to your son whilst he tells you what he feels you did that wasn't good enough or why he has felt he has to rein you in? I know how hard this would be but it just might be a start|?

I think that Smileless suggestions re just ask re the baby is good; ask once and let them respond as they see fit

I really do sympathise, it is so hard, this "eggshell treading"

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Smileless2012 Mon 09-Dec-19 21:41:51

What a shame that your natural excitement and enthusiasm as you look forward to your GC is being curtailed because your son constantly makes you feel nothing you do or say is good enough.

I'm sorry to say mothercat that you probably never will feel you can win, so try not too. Be yourself, enquire after your d.i.l. whenever you can, ask if there's anything they would like you to buy for the baby and ask if there's anything else they may need or want you to do. Don't push it, just ask and if they say there's nothing they need don't ask again; once is enough.

As for your son, well when he becomes a father he'll soon learn it's not that easy and he can only hope his child doesn't take after him, and as s/he grows up makes him feel as a father, the way he makes you feel as a mother.

Your first GC, it's exciting and wonderful news so try to look forward to it.

I wish you wellflowers.

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mothercat Mon 09-Dec-19 21:29:39

New here and this is my first post after reading through several of the forums. Looking to commiserate.

Son and DIL are expecting first baby, our first grandchild.
Things are getting tense with our son. He's 33 y/o and increasingly over the years he has let me know that I am a disappointment as a mom. As he sees it he is always having to rein me in for something I have done that makes his life miserable. DH thinks it started when he wanted to get a personal loan to cover living expenses while he went to school so he didn't have to work and could concentrate on his studies. We (DH and I) said "no" because he would need us to cosign and we were not in a position to pay back the loan if he couldn't.
I think it goes back further to multiple other incidents where we would need to help him with money, travel, etc. and weren't in a position to do that or felt that he was making bad decisions.
It seems that no matter how I try to help, even when it's something he specifically asked for, it is not good enough. Now with the baby coming I have become so gun shy that I tend to not get involved for fear of once again being harshly criticized and that just reinforces his feelings of me being inappropriate.
Of all 4 of my children he was the golden child, had everything together, looks, ability, drive and I thought I was being supportive, but he doesn't see it that way and now I'm really afraid to say anything about anything. Trying not to comment on anything he and DIL do or say regarding pregnancy, birth, and baby, but that looks like disinterest and lack of support to him.
I feel like I can't win.

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