Advice from grandparents

Abi30, you are right to be concerned as they sound quite irresponsible and disrespectful. We have grandchildren who live a 3 hour car journey away and would never expect them to stay with us so far from parents. They are 2 and 5. Our other grandson who is now 10 has always had sleepovers from very young age but his parents are a 10 minute journey away. when we go to stay at our daughter's we live by their rules even though we might not agree with them all the time and only give opinions if asked! Alcohol seems to be very important to these people but they need to respect your wishes in your home. Not an easy situation for you but I think you're right to enforce what you want. Your home, your child!

To expect you to do a total of twelve hours driving to drop a child off for a sleepover really isn't reasonable.
As your child gets older so will they, and as alcoholics they aren't going to be healthy.
Just tell them "yes, as soon as they are old enough to choose to visit" When your child gets old enough, tell them their needs come first as they are likely to be overwhelmed by any contact with the drunks.

Speaking as someone who looks after 8 and 9 year old grandchildren, for weeks on end on my own, drinking too much is obviously not on but a glass or two after they’ve gone to bed, after you’ve had them all weekend is so relaxing. Although it has been said to me that supposing they were ill in the night and you had to drive them to hospital so I am trying not to at all. Different if there are two of you - you could take it in turns to have a glass or two?

Your child, your rules. I wouldn't let them take your child on holiday if they could not assure you that alcohol will not be on the agenda. I am the child of an alcoholic father, it has affected me all my life. Go with your gut feeling about whether you feel your child is safe to stay over! They sound irresponsible to me.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Abi30, are you Naty? (Maybe a clone or twin sister?) You have the same writing style and use identical phrases. How do you explain that?

I absolutely agree about the drinking. Maybe if you said, no alcohol in our house, it would put them off coming.

Put it this way. Trusting people who are heavy drinkers with your child is tantamount to asking Social Services to investigate whether you are guilty of child neglect.

And by the way, they can only manipulate if your husband allows them to.

I really do sympathise , but these are the facts.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I feel that this does need nipping in the bud. DH should be telling his parents that any decision re the child will be a joint one with you and him. You are able to ban any alcohol from your home ( when they’re around) this will prove how keen they are to bond anyway. But even so, I personally would not allow sleepovers and def not holidays if my concerns re their alcohol consumption were such to cause concern. To talk to a toddler about taking them to bars etc would def raise concern for me.

I agree with all the comments.But as a grannie to 7 GC and 1 GGD.I am horrified at your in laws, they are totally irresponsible I wouldn’t allow my children or now GC’S any where near them.I know in your situation that’s not possible but as others have said this is your child do not allow them any access without one of you being there even in your home.
I am afraid you need to have a very serious talk with your husband he has to stand by you even if he has to go against his parents.He will get defensive but just point out this is his child in danger does he want that no he won’t.He is probably defensive because he’s embarrassed at their behaviour.
As has been said your baby is only 1 and there is no need to concern yourself with the sleep overs/holidays.Thats a long way off I wouldn’t give an age though if they press you over it just be casual and you could talk about when baby is older

then your not stuck in 5/6 years when they say “you said we could what ever”
One thing you must do now is put your foot down they need to know they can’t control you through your husband and your husband needs to do the same you need to stick together
and you need to do it now if it causes some unpleasantness then so be it they will get over it if they want to see their GC
I sorry this post is so long but I speak from experience and have to tell you it was hard going as both of us were very young, but we stuck together and everything turned out well
once people realise your not going to be bullied over your child and that NO alcohol will be drunk in your house while your child is there and very little when the baby is in bed.
they have comply or don’t see GC. good luck stick to your guns.ps we have been happily married for 58 years so some of my views worked lol

Abi30 have experienced something similar over 30 yrs ago now with my (now ex) husbands sister. He would not accept from me that she had a drink problem & I was afraid for my children (& her). I contacted AlAnon & was able to tell everything to a lovely lady and she spoke to my husband for me. She was also a qualified nurse so he paid attention. She did not mince her words and told him straight that his sister was an alcoholic and until she herself admitted it & got help she was not fit to look after our very young children & was a danger to me. (She was making threats to me when 'in drink') he listened to this experienced lady whereas he couldn't hear it from me. The SIL did eventually get good help & refers to herself as a recovering alcoholic & now helps others. But we had to stop her coming to stay until she sought help - tough love that worked. Your in laws are alcoholics and you need the support of AlAnon or similar. Your husband won't want to admit it & it will cause problems in your relationship. I wish you strength and hope.

Abi30
Just thought of something else you said they were kissing the baby on the lips stop that at once It’s extremely dangerous to a young baby as infections can be passed.
Any comments say the nurse at the baby clinic told all the new mums about which I must say she should have done by now.
if you don’t go to clinic say the doctor told you they can’t argue with either of them.

Abi30 - your child is yours, your parents and parents-in-law have had their children and are probably at the age where they view this time nostalgically and want it again with yours. You simply say no and ask them how they would have felt if their parents had had the same expectations. I live very close to my grandchildren and see them most days as we help out with school pick ups, support them in their hobbies, and babysit when asked. So we are very close and they trust us completely. But my DD and SIL have never wanted them to do sleepovers and certainly not to be on holiday without them and I completely understand that and would never in a million years place expectations on them in that respect. On the other hand, the other set of grandparents who live 300 miles away see them less frequently, but for longer periods as they have to stay, and my DD and SIL both have a great relationship with them. They are lovely people so there's no clashing but I know that if there were comments made by them about the way the children are being brought up my DD would simply ask them to keep those comments to themselves. You are the one who has to change here - you have to say what you are prepared to accept from them and what you are not, and be very firm that holidays without you are not on.

You don't say why you live some distance away and

What does your husband feel about his parents' drinking?

I agree with you that no child of any age should be habitually in the company of those who drink enough to become drunk, whereas I do not think it does any harm if the adults only drink one glass of wine or one beer with a meal. But it sounds to me as if your parents-in-law are drinking far more than that.

Stick to visits being in your home for the next couple of years and stick to the fact that no alcohol is allowed until after the little one is in bed.

You and your husband need to be in agreement about this if it is to work.

When your in-laws mention that they hope to take your child on holiday, smile and say that that is looking far ahead. I personally would not have let a child go on holiday without me until he or she was at least 10. Nor would I let a child go anywhere with adults who drink too much, but that is a completely different kettle of fish.

If your parents-in-law drive, is either of them sober when they drive home from your place? If not, you need to have a serious talk with your husband about all this.

Re sleepover - you could drop little one off mid pm, go out cinema, theatre, dinner whatever then overnight in hotel an hour away from theirs (close but not too close). Chill out. Pick little one up at lunchtime to go home. Win, win?

I would never leave a child with people who drink on a regular basis, so I think you are totally within your rights to get your in-laws used to your ideas as early as possible. If your in-laws insist on drinking in your home cut down on the invitations and tell them why. Then the choice is theirs.
My niece refuses to let her girls stay with their grandmother as marijuana is often smoked in the house and she has told her mother-in-law quite clearly why they won’t be sleeping over.
Bottom line is, you and your husband are the parents, your word is law when it comes to your child

Thank you so much for all the comments. It’s better to get a different outlook on things from people who have already gone through the whole parenting journey and not just the start of it.

Every time I’ve mentioned alcohol consumption to my husband he has been very defensive. Because of the way he was brought up, he used to be a big drinker too, not really able to learn when to stop and always getting in that one ‘last drink’... thankfully he is no longer like this and prefers non alcoholic beers. He is an amazing father, but really needs to enforce boundaries with his family better.

His family are a very kissy family, thankfully they are aware to avoid the mouth but I wouldn’t put it past them to behave differently if we weren’t around.

Thank you for mentioning Al-anon , I think I will give them a call, perhaps it can help with advice. I feel there is very little support because everyone is in denial or defensive.

My mother in law doesn’t drive, so she’s usually on the wine. When they stay, father in law always on the beer and whiskey too, but as far as I know he has never driven whilst having 1 or 2.

I feel that things could be different if they weren’t so manipulative by avoiding me when it comes to their involvement with our child, speaking to my husband about things when I’m purposefully not around. It doesn’t help in encouraging my trust in them. They truly do want to be as involved as possible, perhaps they would drop the drink all together if they knew my thoughts? But I’m almost certain it would not go down well. I’m not sure what an alcoholic is as opposed to big drinkers, perhaps they fall somewhere in the middle of the definition. I don’t particularly care as long as they don’t expose my child to this part of their lifestyle and that she’s safe. Their lack of engagement with me goes hand in hand with my thought of them believing that I am just a means to an end to them (producing grandchildren), following a comment past by my father in law - saying that “they didn’t care about me and that I was just an incubator to them” - whilst he was also on the drink, very hurtful at the time. I feel like a very neglected daughter in law.

I think I will take on the advice of not giving an age at all... but because of the way they are I’m sure they’ll figure out a way to manipulate or pressure my husband into controlling the situation.

To the poster who keeps referring to me as Natty, I am not this person. I found your comments to be unnecessarily rude.

You seem to be pre empting where there is possibly no cause to. The old saying, ‘ wait til you get to the bridge, before you cross it’, comes to mind. You and your husband are in charge, no one else. Just relax, enjoy your child, and don’t forget about that little word.....NO.

My MIL promised my kids they would take them abroad to Majorca lots of times but never did. Wait and see if they ever do actually want to. The reality of caring for a child on their holiday may change their mind

I have just read the post about the extent of your PiL's drinking.

Bear in mind that when you are talking to your PiL, it is the acohol doing the talking. That extent of alcohol consumption means that they will permanently have alcohol in their blood and make absolutely sure that neither you not your presious child are ever in a car that either of them is driving.

There cannot be any time of the day or night when their blood alcohol is below the drink and drive limit.

Abi30 take what they say about sleepovers and holidays with a pinch of salt, future problem. You and your husband must sit down with them and explain that drinking infront of YOUR child is a no go, either it stops or visits stop. Explain that for their health it is devastating and you do not want their grandchild to see them suffer as they will do. Once you have said it you have to stick to it. If they phone after a certain time you will not answer phone as it will disturb the little one. Make them aware that they are upsetting you.

Your child is only one year old. When he/she is older they will have a say in what they do. Don't worry about the things the Gps are suggesting now just make sure you stick to your guns and don't let them take your child to theirs without you. They have no rights over the child so if you don't want them to take him/her to their house or on holiday or anywhere else then they can't. Full stop. Keep a low profile with them, tell them you're going out even if you're not. Get you husband on side.

The problem is your dh. He is the child of alcoholics and must look for theraoy to overcome the side effects.

Your ILs' expectations are not your problem.
Have you said no to sleepovers, taking your child abroad, etc?
If not, start doing that

Addicts have no room or role around a child and your family.
Once they become sober and achieved the first year chip, then your dh may approach them again and if everything goes ok, maybe your child could meet them again.

Your dh is not an amazing husband if he doesn't realize his parents are not a good influence for his family (you and your child)

My concern is that they are driving despite consuming all that alcohol daily must be permanently over the drink drive limit. A danger to us all and themselves