Advice from grandparents

We had our grandchild for a 2 night sleepover when she was 14 months but we are only 30 mins drive from our home

I would really worry about the excessive alcohol - not compatible with being responsible for small children. I would have a conversation with them and set rules. No alcohol while visiting. Definitely no sleepovers. You have to be confident in the safety of your children.

Any kind of sleepover is surely a long, long way into the future so just (as someone else said) smile and ignore.

As for kissing a baby on the lips, just NO. Not just germs but inappropriate too. Tell them that's not allowed. Absolutely not.

Good luck!

I loved sleepovers at anybody's house (maternal family was big and supportive during my parents' terrible marriage). But my family were NOT alcoholics and we willingly went. We asked to go!
It sounds like you don't need to make any moves. Just sit tight and if they ask you directly just say "when he's older".

The comments about going to the bar are funny, though. My grandpa used to threaten to beat us with a stick with a nail sticking out of it. That was crazy when I think back...but kids know a joke when they hear one.

As your in-laws aren’t asking you for any of these ridiculous things yet, I think the best thing you can do, is to attempt to put them out of your mind. As long as you don’t feel your husband is going to sneak your child away from you (which would be a far larger problem), all you can do is try not to let it bother you.

When they finally ask you for your thoughts, just smile and say “no thank you, that doesn’t work for us right now”.

I totally understand that it is much harder to put this into practice then it is for me to suggest it, but I do hope you try.

As far as their visits and their drinking, do you offer them alcohol, or do they bring it with them? Personally I just wouldn’t serve it. I don’t think you should have to hide it or put it away or not have it in the house, because you are an adult and are allowed to have what you want in your house. But if they are rifling through your cupboards looking for alcohol I think that’s a very good reason to not have them over as often. Perhaps instead choose to meet at a restaurant somewhere in the middle for visits.

It will be years before your child is old enough to sleep over, ignore to in-laws.

Hell would freeze over before I would EVER let my child stay over with these alcoholics at any age. It would be an accident/tragedy waiting to happen. Please listen to your heart. They are trying to call all the tunes. They are dangerous alcoholics and should never be in charge of young children. They can visit at your home where you make the rules. I would advise no alcohol when they visit and no inappropriate conversation.

How could they possibly be responsible for a child? If they are drinking such large amounts of alcohol they must be over the drink/drive limit at times. Also, in my opinion there needs to be a sober responsible adult available at all times when minding children. They dont sound responsible people. There is no way you can hand YOUR child over to their care. If they don't change, sleepovers and holidays, are never going to happen. I think you both need to discuss any anxieties you have with them. Talking and behaving inappropriately is another NO NO! Both of you need to be direct! This is your child's wellbeing at stake.

I’ve known my in laws for several years and more. They’ve always enjoyed their drink. Whether they drink copious amounts everyday.... I’m unsure. I can imagine a glass Or too a day with 1 or 2 heavy days a week is their style. Would you call this alcoholics? Probably not, just big drinkers..... but a bad role model all the same. They always drink a lot when we have visited them, or them us. I don’t drink at all, but they are dependent on it for social occasions, even with their children... You would think that having a grandchild around would be a light bulb moment in realising that they shouldn’t be drinking so much or at all around us, but it hasn’t. It has led to boundaries being crossed and a lot of anxiety and conflict. I struggle with their visits on many levels because we need boundaries and they need to realise that we make the decisions for our child.

I have spoken to my husband about regulating visits to every other month instead, perhaps we can come to a different arrangement as they cause so much anxiety. Meeting half way for dinner is also a good idea, thank you, but at the moment our child doesn’t travel well at all.

My mother in law never really had a settled job out of the home, being a mother was her job, so she’s comes across as a bit of a mother hen, in trying to gain control, time and being manipulative about their involvement. I find it overbearing, again something I’m having to have constant conversations with my husband about having boundaries that reflect our way of parenting. I just hope it doesn’t effect our marriage because I feel as though it might be causing some strain ?.

Summerlove

OP says that her ILs bring the alcohol with them. To me, that's rather disturbing. Now, I have no objections if you want to bring a bottle of wine or something as a hostess gift. My parents do that frequently when they visit. But then, my parents don't need to have alcohol every day. But it sounds as if OP's ILs are drinking every day or close to it - and FAR more than the recommended minimum.

Thank you all so much for sharing your thoughts which I appreciate immensely. I’m in two minds of showings my husband the comments to put things into perspective. There is some great suggestions, ? thank you.

Agnurse and Summerlove - they would usually finish a bottle of wine and several beers. On occasions if we don’t have enough for them in or they’ve finished off what we had, they have gone out to buy more.

I don’t allow alcoholics around my children; in my home, or in my life. I would tell your spouse that he can tell his parents they address their drinking problem or miss out on being engaged grandparents. I’d also suggest you and he seek out Al-Anon and he work with therapists familiar with ACoA (adult
Children of alcoholics).

Unless you drink yourselves, which it sounds like you don't, I wouldn't offer them any alcohol at all. Lots of other drinks are acceptable alternatives. If they object let them know that you don't usually drink but they are welcome to whatever drinks you have - tea, coffee, juice, acohol-free beer, mocktails etc. If they can't visit without buying their own then alarm bells should ring. Also, why do you have to host them every month? Don't let it become a regular monthly event - tell them it's not convenient (if you need an excuse tell them you are hosting someone else or you've had disturbed nights with DD and need to catch up on sleep) but keep in touch via FaceTime or Skype so they don't feel neglected. TBH I'm not sure why sleepovers are such a necessity to GPs. I look after my GC overnight but we live minutes away from parents and if they didn't ever ask us to babysit it wouldn't upset me. Could it be because your parents have looked after GD overnight? Anyway if you don't trust them not to drink too much while in charge of your child, never ever let them look after her! It seems though that you have the biggest problem with your DH. Perhaps he thinks you are attacking his family and his upbringing. You need a calm and long conversation about his family and agree ways forward. He must support you and DD, particularly if you have to tackle the drinking, untimely phone calls, and social media comments. You have to be on the same team.

Believe me when your DD is older she really won’t want to stay with GP’s who booze all the time. As a child I was subjected to it and it used to frighten me so much.
Tell them your home is an alcohol free house. Like it or lump it! Your DH needs to listen to your concerns too. Time for him to realise you and baby are his priority now not boozy parents who obviously have no respect for your rules. Stick to your guns.

agnurse, I missed that bit, thank you.

OP, I would actually call their drinking behavior alcoholic behaviour. Drinking every day with a few heavy days is not healthy.

They are Certainly not safe caregivers, although I can’t speak to if they are safe to have around for visits. Personally, I would be limiting them.

The fact that they bring so much alcohol with them that isn’t a hostess gift, is a real problem in my eyes.

I'd consider their behaviour reasons to cut off.

If you feel your child will not be safe with them, then you have to say No! I would certainly not consider leaving my child with them, as described.

But the real problem I think is getting your husband to see the problem. You both have to be on the same page on this one for many years to come!

On a different note, and NOT in anyway suggesting it would be appropriate for the OP, I am quite surprised by the posts suggesting that sleepovers are years away? My grandchildren have stayed over 1-2 nights from aged 14 months. Now 6&7 years they stay 3 nights occasionally. My own children did the same with their grandparents from just over a year. I accept that some children/personalities may benefit from waiting until they are older but this is not a given for all children.

Madgran77 our granddaughter lives an hour and a half away and has been brought over several times to stay for the weekend since she was a few months old, always at my daughter's request! She last came in December so they could get some jobs done round the house, and she's booked in for July as they have a wedding to go to. It's a busman's holiday for me as I'm childminding all week!

V3a Sounds like busy times. I assume your granddaughter enjoys her stays? My grandchildren do and always have done. As a one year old settling down at night took a bit longer but she always settled and we have always had a nice time together

It comes down to trust at the end of the day and it is lacking for me. I think some of you are right in relation to my husband needing to see the big picture of how bad things are. I intend to show him this thread on the weekend so he can see the thoughts of other grandparents. I hope it sheds some light on to the grey....

Abi30 if you don't trust them then don't even think about it.
It's a wake up call for your husband but there's a child involved now and his priorities are not to his parents.

First things first - the alcohol consumption. If they "have to" drink every day, then they are alcoholics, pure and simple. Which wouldn't worry me if it was just a drink or two, but, clearly, there is some heavy drinking going on, even if you're not sure that's every day.

But it doesn't matter what you (general) call it, does it? The amount of drinking you describe is unhealthy, dangerous, and inappropriate around a child. The fact that MIL, clearly, looks forward to bringing your child into this "drinking culture" someday is a huge red flag of its own, IMO. NOT saying it will happen, just don't like that this is something she's already thinking about.

Sorry, I know it's hard, but IMO, you need to bring this up w/ DH. If the word "alcoholic" upsets him, then just point out what a bad environment it creates for your child. Ask him to agree to a "No alcohol" policy (when they're there) and see if they even come (bet they won't). If he "gets defensive," so he'll get defensive, but you need to stand your ground on this - for you sanity and your child's wellbeing.

And yes, please contact AlAnon. No doubt, they can help you sort this out.

"The issue in general is that they are wanting more and more contact, seeing us for 3 days every month isn’t enough for them. "

Not enough? IMO, it's too much, given their drinking and MIL's control issues. I'm glad you're thinking about cutting back on the visits. I hope you do.

If/when they do come, despite a no-alcohol policy, IMO, you and DH will need to object every time they do something that thwarts your parenting practice. ("Sorry, we don't let LO watch TV," while turning off the tube. "No, we have a no-sweets-before dinner rule," while taking away the candy.) You may have to be the "bad guys," but you'll need to be firm. It won't be easy, but it's good practice for being firm w/ LO when you have to, LOL!

Ok, maybe you won't enact a no-alcohol rule, but one of your boundaries could be a limit on alcohol consumption. It's YOUR and DH's home, after all. And your ILs may suddenly find a reason to leave earlier than planned if they have to accept a limit.

As for the sleepovers and trips, I agree w/ others that they may never even actually invite LO for those. If they do, you can always say no. As long as they're drinking continues to be a problem (and it doesn't look as if they plan to cut down any time soon), I wouldn't leave my child alone w/ them, at all, let alone allow a sleepover or a holiday w/ them. You and DH have to protect your child. THAT is your FIRST priority.

One point in your ILs defense. ILs are often advised to communicate w/ their DS about possible activities w/ the GC, etc., and then let him present their ideas to their DIL. That MIGHT explain why they talk to DH about these things when you're not present. In that respect, they may feel they're doing the right thing. You and DH need to decide what your position is on their requests about sleepovers and holidays - even if it's just, "LO is too young now. We'll discuss it in later years." Granted, I think it should be, "There won't be any alone-time even when LO is older if you don't get help for your drinking problem," but I doubt DH will say that... sigh...