MOnica. Yet again my very first thoughts have been written by you! My husband died 29 years ago. About 7 years after he died I started seeing a man with whom I went out to concerts and for travels into the beautiful countryside near us. He declared his love for me but I was more "good friends". However, it was not long before he began to become very demanding of my time and was completely disregarding of my youngest daughter who was still at home with me aged 13. When I said I would not see him in a weekday evening because I was cooking for her and me and wanted to be with her, he would turn up and behave as though we had planned to go out anyway. I had no experience of a person like this before and had not heard of people like this.
I soon realised that he was not normal but I believed his stories about his sad divorce and hard life etc for about 4 to 5 years by which time I was utterly frustrated and shocked by the way he behaved and knew he told monstrous lies. He was a narcissist. Utterly selfish, a user, wanted my brains to do his work, my money to pay for his holidays and other things and me to make him look good as though he had a girlfriend. He soon treated me so badly I can't describe what it was like and he was impossible to get rid of as he turned up all the time.
Elek I am so sorry about the loss of your Dear Father.
Regarding your mother:
There is a chance that the new man is responsible for inveigling your mother away and at this early stage he has captivated her so she is entirely under his thrall. If you try to say perhaps he's doing too much too soon, which is a big red flag in the way narcissists gain their partners, she will fight against you and be more attached to him.
I honestly am not happy about this man. He has taken her life over too much too soon after the death of your Dear Father. When one's Husband dies, the Widow is often left with the house, and often a widow's pension plus maybe some life insurance from the late husband. There are men who know this. They may seem to be comfortably off, living in good circumstances. However as time passes, the truth comes out that they have debts and are desperate for money.
I am painting the bad side because the natural reaction of decent people who have not learned the hard way is to say, let your mother enjoy her life. But I know, through experience and further, through studying this phenomenon in my professional capacity as a Psychologist (now retired) that a relationship like your mother's should be looked at with great concern. He is cutting her off from her friends and family. That is another major big red flag. It looks as if he "love bombed" her at the start - red flag again. He does not appear to have wanted to get to know her family, her friends, her life in her own home, her routine -red flag. He is not taking it gently and caring for her needs, he is sweeping her off her feet and away from all she knows - red flag and big danger sign. It is significant that she has gone to him, 3 hours away, not he to her. It is significant that he has made her give up her link with her grandson, which most of us would love to have and she must miss a lot!
I said you can do nothing at this early stage. She will be besotted with him and any attempt to help her see him more objectively will drive her more into his arms at this stage. There could come a stage when she needs you and won't feel she can ask for help. She might feel too embarrassed to do so. You need to be, as we always say, there for her. Right now just let her know you love her, miss her and her grandson really wants to see her. Don't argue, just stay calm. Keep in touch whatever happens. Watch out for danger signs like her selling her house and moving in with him. Big shifts of her finances into his control are very serious. If that seems likely, please try to talk her out of it. She does not know this man. None of us do. Never trust someone you do not know. Try to find out more about him, his past, especially past relationships from people who do know him if you can - his family, work colleagues or neighbours. But people like him do keep such people at a distance and always behave as 'that nice man" in public so this might not be worth it so beware of people saying how nice he is. Look out for divorces, many jobs, not many really close friends and does he have money of his own?
I always explain this terrible side of matters in case it should be true. I hope this man is a good man. But I am seriously doubting him. I think he is selfish, he has not bothered to think of your mother's needs or of her life or her love for her family. He has almost captured her. People say that being with a Narcissist is like being held hostage. (google it) At first they promise the earth and flood you with love and roses, then once they have captured you and have control over all your life and have cut you off from friends and family, the torture begins and you can't get away. It happened to me twice. Almost three times. They prey on a particular type, people who are empathic. They test the people first to check this is so. Now I have learned about them and I see many signs in this man with whom your mother has become involved. Just from your short description. In case someone thinks it is not enough, we used to use such cameos for looking into cases in the very famous leading Psychiatric Hospital where I worked.
That your mother drives 3 hours to him and he does not accommodate her life and the people who matter to her, shows he is selfish. That he makes her give up her relationships with her family so early on in his relationship with him is the sign of a very calculating and selfish man.
I wish you every bit of luck and sincerely hope I am wrong. sending lots of love to you and your son and his dad. ?
