Need advice from grannies re my mother

I would suggest you keep the door open and talk to your mother. She obviously needs space.
I'd let the offer of meeting come from her , with some gentle encouragement.

By saying this I do see your side. You have lost a father and don't want to loose a mother. She is obviously coping in her own way and may come back to reality.

Why not ask her specifically if she could look after him on xx day and overnight, mentioning that your little boy is missing his visits with her. If she doesn't sound keen then I think you have to accept that her interests have (sadly) moved elsewhere temporarily.

If she agrees would you be comfortable with her "friend" also being present?

Let her enjoy her life.
It is disappointing she shows no interest in your family, it is what it is.

What is your plan if she breaks up with boyfriend?

How sad for you and your little boy.
If you’d mother and son were close, I’m certain it must be temporary, but without any pressure, why don’t you tell her you’re missing her, and would love to see her.

You don’t say how you feel about the boyfriend, do you think this is coming from him? Maybe wanting all your mums attention?

I really feel for you and your boy, hopefully she’s missing you both as well, and will realise how much she’s missing by not seeing you.

Many thanks for your comments. It seems that the most I can do is carry on as I have been, which is to say, leaving it open for her to decide when/if she wants to spend time with him.

I am reluctant to ask her to take him because she is the type of person to agree, even when it doesn't suit her.

I have met the boyfriend a few times and he seems decent and I would be comfortable with him being around my son.

If they split up? I am still her daughter.

I understand that she is a woman, and not just a mother and grandmother. But they were so close; I guess this is all new and exciting for her.

Could you not just ask her over for the weekend? With or without new partner? At least she could have some contact with her grandson and not in the capacity of babysitter. Odd that she has not seen him over the Christmas period though. Guess it's the first flush of the new relationship.

I’m not very articulate, but if it helps, I was in a similar position to your mum.

After losing your dad, she may have a sudden urgent feeling of how finite time is, how quickly it is passing, how you have to go out and grab adventure and opportunities with both hands while you are able.

I had the feeling that I would either spend the next 20 years at home on the sofa - or I had the one chance to grab life with both hands. I had an urgency, a feeling from somewhere telling me to just grab life.

I was aware that people might “judge me” for finding an accidental and new lifelong friend and companion which in turn has opened doors to a whole new life of adventures.

I have the view now that it’s always good to have people in your life as friends or companions, even if not as a partner, so your mum has someone to talk to, share problems with, someone to give her help and advice....all to be encouraged maybe, so long as your mum is happy?

Your mum will not only have lost her life partner and husband, but also the life and future that she had planned with your dad was also taken away as well.

How about doing Facetime online for grandson with grandma once or twice a week - and when the whirlwind of her new life settles down, she will be reminded, in her own time, of what she is missing with you....as others have suggested, maybe let her come back in her own time?

Elek I think most people would understand that your mum is happy to have met a new companion/partner and wants to spend a lot of time with him.

Personally, though, I don't understand why, after enjoying a close relationship with your son, she has not seen him for a considerable amount of time. Surely she could have set aside a day now and then to see him? I think it is thoughtless and unkind of her to devote her entire time to this new man, without thinking of how confused and hurt your son must be.

I would be inclined to tell her that her grandson misses her.

I am sad for you and your son and think you should ask her to babysit on a specific date in a week or two. I would also ask you to consider the alternative to the current situation. She would be sad and lonely and might be round at your house everyday. Which would you prefer?

I agree with Eloethan. I don't understand why your Mum hasn't seen her grandson for 2 months either. I can't imagine ever doing that; I am sorry, but no man would come between me and my children or grandchildren. Surely, there is room for both family and a new partner.

My worry is that your mothet breaks up with boyfriend and she goes back to the visits with your son as if they never stopped.

It is not healthy for your son to be discarded like this when she chooses to do so.

She is a consistent and positive presence in his life or she isn't. There is no middle. Your son is not disposable.

It sounds like she is acting a bit like when you first fall in love, and it’s all just so heady and exciting. How many of us lost touch with other friends and family when we had a new and exciting relationship? I think when things settle into a more everyday way of life she will want more contact again. Not very fair or thoughtful, but perhaps best to see how things pan out.

Could the man in her life be the cause of her behaviour? Could it be that he wants all her attention and doesn't want other people in her life because he wants her entirely. Is she gradually being drawn into an abusive controlling relationship. I just ask.

I do not think there is anything you can do about her behaviour, whatever the reason, but as other posters have said, when she returns, make it clear to her that her relationship with your DS is dependent on her being a steady presence in his life and not drifting in and out as and when she wants,it may only be visiting or baby sitting once a month, but that she cannot be seeing him and looking after him once a week and then disappearing for months or more.

You come across as a perfectly reasonable person. She hasn't factored your son into her timetable, but you could put her into his. Be proactive, take control, and invite her over on a specific date.

You say your mother is not your son's babysitter, but it seems to me you are more concerned that she's not done any babysitting recently. Maybe you mum feels she's being taken for granted and wants a bit of me-time. Two months is quite a long time though. Maybe you could ask to see her, no babysitting involved, planning a nice family afternoon, for instance, no strings attached.

Can you invite them both over to yours. She will be proudly showing off her grandson and the boyfriend may enjoy the little boy's company too. Could be they will both help with looking after your son.

I would invite both of them to visit you for a weekend. Then you will have a better idea of the dynamic and your son will remind her of what she has been missing by being so insular.

This is a difficult situation. I am in a slightly different situation but similar in some ways. I have been with my husband for nearly 10 years .. he has dependant children that have fortnightly staying contact with us and have done for the majority of our relationship. I have adult children that think I should not prioritise my relationship and step children over them and my grandchildren which I have never intended and dont think I do. I have been banned from seeing grandchildren on more than one occasion due to me not being fair to them in their opinion. I have had to do most of the running to see my GC and they rarely visit me. I am paternal GM to all. I had a falling out with one of my children and they want nothing more to do with me as I dont make an effort to see them enough .. they are over an hour drive away from me and both work as do I so arranging visiting has never been easy to fit in with everyone. I am approaching 60 and am very upset. They think they punish me but they are also punishing their children too which is very upsetting.

Let your mother enjoy her life for now. When things settle down perhaps she'll offer to babysit again. Don't guilt trip her into it!

My feeling is that your Mum is in the throes of a new, exciting relationship and feels just like we did when were young and had a new boyfriend. She wants to be with him all the time. Once the relationship settles down and she's not so giddy, I'm sure she'll be back. I know I was just like your Mum when I was newly in love. Be patient with her, she'll soon be back.

I would contact her and chat a bit and then say something like 'X is asking when he can see you. It's been a while. What can I tell him?
Other than that I don't think there is much you can do at the moment. The time is probably flying by for her and she is not realising how long it has actually been.

Just tell her that the little boy has been asking to see her. She probably assumes he's happy playing and doesn't think about her. After all, the really important adults in a child's life are the parents. Grandparents are a bit of an accessory in most children's lives.

I kind of disagree with M0nica and I think it's ok for other adults to drift in and out of a child's life as long as he has a core of dependable adults - even just one parent that is stable is enough to prevent an attachment disorder. What you need to do though is see that the child does not become dependant on a less stable adult. Had the grandmother been caring for the child every day while parents worked, then just disappearing could be very damaging. But as it was just a once a week thing, although the kid is disappointed, it's unlikely to be harmful to his development.

I am a Grandmother to my beautiful girl, we are so close and no man would break that bond if I do not see her at least on a weekly basis I miss her terribly, surely your Mum must miss your Son , I wonder if the new partner has an influence and feels threatened by the attention and time your Mum gives to your Son...
She will feel it in time , try txt her tell her your Son misses her see how she answers that. You are a good daughter to realise she is a Person not just Mother, Grandmother etc but we must make time for all the special people in our Life, you never get that Time back remind her....