Need advice from grannies re my mother

Could the man in her life be the cause of her behaviour? Could it be that he wants all her attention and doesn't want other people in her life because he wants her entirely. Is she gradually being drawn into an abusive controlling relationship. I just ask.

I do not think there is anything you can do about her behaviour, whatever the reason, but as other posters have said, when she returns, make it clear to her that her relationship with your DS is dependent on her being a steady presence in his life and not drifting in and out as and when she wants,it may only be visiting or baby sitting once a month, but that she cannot be seeing him and looking after him once a week and then disappearing for months or more.

It sounds like she is acting a bit like when you first fall in love, and it’s all just so heady and exciting. How many of us lost touch with other friends and family when we had a new and exciting relationship? I think when things settle into a more everyday way of life she will want more contact again. Not very fair or thoughtful, but perhaps best to see how things pan out.

My worry is that your mothet breaks up with boyfriend and she goes back to the visits with your son as if they never stopped.

It is not healthy for your son to be discarded like this when she chooses to do so.

She is a consistent and positive presence in his life or she isn't. There is no middle. Your son is not disposable.

I agree with Eloethan. I don't understand why your Mum hasn't seen her grandson for 2 months either. I can't imagine ever doing that; I am sorry, but no man would come between me and my children or grandchildren. Surely, there is room for both family and a new partner.

I am sad for you and your son and think you should ask her to babysit on a specific date in a week or two. I would also ask you to consider the alternative to the current situation. She would be sad and lonely and might be round at your house everyday. Which would you prefer?

Elek I think most people would understand that your mum is happy to have met a new companion/partner and wants to spend a lot of time with him.

Personally, though, I don't understand why, after enjoying a close relationship with your son, she has not seen him for a considerable amount of time. Surely she could have set aside a day now and then to see him? I think it is thoughtless and unkind of her to devote her entire time to this new man, without thinking of how confused and hurt your son must be.

I would be inclined to tell her that her grandson misses her.

I’m not very articulate, but if it helps, I was in a similar position to your mum.

After losing your dad, she may have a sudden urgent feeling of how finite time is, how quickly it is passing, how you have to go out and grab adventure and opportunities with both hands while you are able.

I had the feeling that I would either spend the next 20 years at home on the sofa - or I had the one chance to grab life with both hands. I had an urgency, a feeling from somewhere telling me to just grab life.

I was aware that people might “judge me” for finding an accidental and new lifelong friend and companion which in turn has opened doors to a whole new life of adventures.

I have the view now that it’s always good to have people in your life as friends or companions, even if not as a partner, so your mum has someone to talk to, share problems with, someone to give her help and advice....all to be encouraged maybe, so long as your mum is happy?

Your mum will not only have lost her life partner and husband, but also the life and future that she had planned with your dad was also taken away as well.

How about doing Facetime online for grandson with grandma once or twice a week - and when the whirlwind of her new life settles down, she will be reminded, in her own time, of what she is missing with you....as others have suggested, maybe let her come back in her own time?

Could you not just ask her over for the weekend? With or without new partner? At least she could have some contact with her grandson and not in the capacity of babysitter. Odd that she has not seen him over the Christmas period though. Guess it's the first flush of the new relationship.

Many thanks for your comments. It seems that the most I can do is carry on as I have been, which is to say, leaving it open for her to decide when/if she wants to spend time with him.

I am reluctant to ask her to take him because she is the type of person to agree, even when it doesn't suit her.

I have met the boyfriend a few times and he seems decent and I would be comfortable with him being around my son.

If they split up? I am still her daughter.

I understand that she is a woman, and not just a mother and grandmother. But they were so close; I guess this is all new and exciting for her.

How sad for you and your little boy.
If you’d mother and son were close, I’m certain it must be temporary, but without any pressure, why don’t you tell her you’re missing her, and would love to see her.

You don’t say how you feel about the boyfriend, do you think this is coming from him? Maybe wanting all your mums attention?

I really feel for you and your boy, hopefully she’s missing you both as well, and will realise how much she’s missing by not seeing you.

Let her enjoy her life.
It is disappointing she shows no interest in your family, it is what it is.

What is your plan if she breaks up with boyfriend?

Why not ask her specifically if she could look after him on xx day and overnight, mentioning that your little boy is missing his visits with her. If she doesn't sound keen then I think you have to accept that her interests have (sadly) moved elsewhere temporarily.

If she agrees would you be comfortable with her "friend" also being present?

I would suggest you keep the door open and talk to your mother. She obviously needs space.
I'd let the offer of meeting come from her , with some gentle encouragement.

By saying this I do see your side. You have lost a father and don't want to loose a mother. She is obviously coping in her own way and may come back to reality.