Keeping a lid on it

however, Dil and her daughter still came over to our side to put DG to bed without any warning or consent to do so.
Perhaps just a quick knock on the dividing door to warn you that they are there would be enough?

However, that does put a different light on the relationship as it sounds as if your son's girlfriend (not DIL yet?) and her teenage daughter are trying to form a relationship with your son's child which is a good thing and something to be encouraged.

If I've understood, the DiL and her daughter come to your side of the house to put your GD to bed. Can you not give them permission to do that even if it is irksome to you, for the child's sake? I haven't got the impression they're just wandering over to your side willy-nilly. If that were the case you'd need to put a lockable door between the two sections of the house, as someone else has already suggested. I might be a bit confused.

But anyway, I agree with those who think it's time you gave your son the Order of the Boot.

2littlestars The posts on this thread have exactly the same response as you - that the original poster needs to make sure that her son and his new girl-friend don't take advantage of her love for her granddaughter. That is not "awfully judgmental", just sensible - and she did ask for advice, as she didn't know what to do.

Hi OP.

I am glad that your DGD is doing well despite all the changes in her life.

It sounds from your reply that you are already beginning to stand up for yourself which is great.
Though the Dil is going to have to listen to you about entering your part of the house, she is stubborn.
I hope you can persevere now you have spoken to DS and let us know here how the situation is developing.

I think you have been right to make it clear that they will have to leave if things do not change.

You are completely right to think of yourself. And you sound very loving of DGD which she will know. So that is one good thing and you have given the entire family a chance to sort themselves out in the safety of your home.
Now they have to think of your needs as well. In at least respecting your space.

I don't think anyone has raised the questions about your son's partner's previous situation regarding where she lived and the previous partner. Is she divorced or did she have a long term partner - seeing she has 2 teenagers? Didn't she have any settlement with previous partner in her favour - such as getting the family house and perpetual maintenance payments especially for the children until they are 18?

It sounds like people are awfully judgmental on this site. I’m sorry if people are being hard on you. I’m like you, I’d do almost anything fir my kids and grand kids. You shouldn’t have to walk in egg shells! ( I know the feeling well) I think they are taking advantage because they know how close you are to your grand daughter. It’s so sad your son doesn’t see what’s happening to your granddaughter in all this. It’s your home and you can insist he include your granddaughter. I also would raise the rent if there are 3 more people in the space they rent. Be firm with this woman... don’t let her make the rules or bully you. Be confident with her. She thinks she can boss you and she can’t. Don’t let her.

I know you can't do this now and hindsight us a wonderful thing, but when the girlfriend's family moved in it would have been best for your little granddaughter to stay in her own room and the teenagers squash up (as they no doubt would have done had they lived in a two bedroomed home with their mother).

Do they have a study, dining room or other space that could be converted to accommodate, if not your granddaughter, maybe a teenager? Or can the teens move into the presumeably larger master bedroom to facilitate the integration of your son's daughter?

Really it's such a pity that your son doesn't understand the separate-ness of his little one in the creation of his new family unit.

Everything you have done seems to come from a good place but now some rowing-back is necessary if this new family is to survive. Good luck.

Although a well intentioned living space set up initially, the dynamics have changed here and not in your little granddaughter’s favour.

I think it’s time to evaluate everyone’s needs. Have a pleasant pow wow of the adults in the situation (invite them over to chat after granddaughter is in bed perhaps) and sort this toxic situation out. It seems to benefit no one really.

Good luck!

Good fences make good neighbours. Can you put a lockable door between your two sides?

@pinkquartz
@pinkquartz

My DG is ok thank you. My DH and I are still her constant. She is settled in school and doing very well.

My son's previous relationship was abusive and terrible. The fact that DG's mother walked out three years ago and has only seen DG once in all of that time speaks volumes as to her character. I think my DS is so happy to have found a loving relationship that he is trying to ignore the challenges that a blended family can bring.

My Dil's children are young teenagers and ok. They mostly ignore DG due to the age difference.

I spoke to my son again yesterday about respecting boundaries and it was a good discussion; however, Dil and her daughter still came over to our side to put DG to bed without any warning or consent to do so.

I have told my DS that if things don't improve, they will have to find alternative accommodation even if it means my DG moving school and losing her friends (they will move to Dil's preferred area away from where we currently live). I hate to do it and DG is our world but DH and I deserve a life too.

Why is your DS allowing his GF to push his own daughter out?
That sounds so hurtful.

The new Dil will clearly carry on taking and taking. She will not stop until you stop her.
As other posters have said you must make a clear boundary . They can pay extra rent or move out.
They can take DGC over to their side and DIl can stop coming to your side without permission.

Also you need an income and you tell them that is why they must pay more rent or leave so you can rent out the space for a decent amount of money.

You must stand up for yourself Dil is never going to do the decent thing and sadly your DS is going along with her.

I feel concerned for the DGD...is she ok?

Dil sounds a real PAIN what are her children like? Are they getting along with your DGD?

agnurse
how he parents his child is not your business

It very much is the OP's business as she seems to have taken over most of the parental duties.
Neither the father nor the mother seem to have much input into the parenting of this child because, from what FizzyFlorence says, she is doing most of the caring.

It takes patience and time to form a blended family and neither son nor girlfriend seem to be making much effort to achieve that.

I would be having a word too but always being mindful that you seem to be the one stable thing in this little girl's life.

As with other posters - I am really concerned for your DGD. Why did they go out for her dad birthday without her!
They need to get their own space - even if it means her (GF) boys have to share. Your DGD shouldn't have to play second fiddle.

No offence was taken ?

I would be having a word.
Or two.

1. You have the right to privacy in your own home, but so does she. It's not on for her to treat your half as her own, but equally not on for you to just walk over to her half.

2. Why can DGD not sleep on their side of the house? Really, her sleeping on your side is not conducive to their becoming an integrated family. If one of DIL's children is a girl, can she not share a room with her? If they're both boys, why can they not share one room and DGD have the other?

3. Unless you have clear evidence that this child is being abused, absolutely do not have a word with your son. How he parents his child is not your business. If you truly feel something is of serious concern, you need to report this to the authorities.

I would be more worried about the impact the situation is having on your granddaughter.
What does your son have to say about excluding her while he swans off with his girlfriends children?

Only one poster thinks you are well-heeled, though you obviously were comfortably off when you earned that six-figure salary and bought that house with room for two living spaces without living in one another's pockets.

Is this perhaps the right time to tell your son and his fiance that you cannot afford to live without your income any longer, and you will be either raising the amount of rent they pay you or looking for work in your previous field, and you will no longer be availablefree of charge 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Now that they are a family again, you are entitled to assume that they will want to ALL be together - son, new DiL, granddaughter and step-grandchildren, also that they will want to look for their own independent home, paid for with their own two salaries.

FizzyFlorence8, I think a number of us are wondering why you let your son and partner, not to mention her children move in together, when they both have good salaries and should be able to afford their own home. Many of us would not let the new partner run over us roughshod as you have and I do wonder whether your son is just used to getting life the way he wants it, within the family. His behaviour is selfish and self-centred. Is that nature or nurture?

Nobody would argue over you taking on the care of your grandaughter and her staying with you if posible.

I would tell your son that he needs to get his own independent accommodation for his increased family. Give him six months to sort it out. As your accommodation is divisible, could you not then let it out and have tenants with a clear legal contract and probably a lot more rent coming in, sufficient for you to live on. You could then find another job, even if less well paid. I appreciate it might well need to be part time, but you should insist he pays you for her maintenance and care.

We have two kitchens, two lounges, bathrooms etc. We do not live in each other’s pockets.

I have ZERO income ATM and live practically on the bread line Because of this arrangement. Son and DIL have two good incomes coming in. We are by No means well heeled. I’m not sure what part you think I am dead wrong about.

The six-figure salary you gave up is an irrelevant red herring. Your story would be exactly the same if you had given up a cleaning job to look after your grandchild and then found yourself expected to continue even when her father had taken on a new partner and her children, and expected you to house them all too. The pair of them have three children to shelter, raise, and support now.

You can be pleased that your son has found happiness, but he has also taken on responsibilities - which do not over-ride those for his own daughter - and they are not your responsibilities..

Now that your son has a girl-friend in the house, he could create himself a family by integrating his daughter with the girl-friend's children. That would look to the future when you will no longer be able to do it! They could all live together (in harmony?) in the three bedrooms. Your grand-daughter could see you daily while waiting for her father to come home from work, but her step-mother-to-be could look after her other needs - as she would be doing if she was marrying a man without a mother to do it. If you wanted to, you could return to your previous employment.

Your half of the house should be as private as their part. It should not be taken for granted that one half can be entere3d without permission, while the other half is taboo.

I assume that the girlfriend is working. With two salaries, they could afford to give you more for rent - I take it you are doing this officially, with a rentbook and regular entries? If that feels unacceptable to them, then perhaps they would be happier being independent and owning or renting elsewhere. You have done your bit to help your son. If his new partner wants more than they can afford, she has an indulgent wealthy family of her own. It is their turn.

Meet up with them, and tell them these things - politely and tactfully, of course, but don't let them take advantage of you.

What does FF8 mean?

Sorry, I shortened the OP's username, which was rather rude.
Apologies FizzyFlorence8; I was in a rush but didn't want to read and run.

Some people have no idea do they FF. Fancy objecting yo you going to 'their' side of the house when she goes into yours "without any regard for (your) privacy".

I understand your concerns for your GD but in your position I'd be having stern words with my son. He is allowing his own D to be pushed to one side for the benefit of his GF's children; she should be his priority not his GF and/or her children.

Your son needs to get his priorities in order the main one being his D and also not allowing his GF to dictate to his mother what happens in her own home.

I agree with eazybee, have a new rental agreement drawn up and raise the rent. If she's spoiled and has well off parents, why aren't they assisting in raising funds for a place of their own?

If you do ask them to move out they may not deny your contact with your GD out of spite. Sorry to say this but your son's GF doesn't appear to want anything to do with her and TBH she doesn't appear to figure very highly for him either.

FizzyFlorence8 ?

What does FF8 mean?