Horrible grandchildren....HEL P

Could you try to have a chat with the girls along the lines of ,
“ You know how good you are at Grandma’ s ?
Well sometimes I feel sad because I know what good girls you are and sometimes you run around and are very noisy and Grandad doesn’t like it.
Well we are having a party for grown ups and I want you to show me how nice you can be. Grown ups parties are a bit boring aren’t they ? Can you help me ? What can you do ? Can you give out the biscuits ? “
You’ll have to watch them all the time , lots of eye contact and smiles but you might prefer to do that and maybe promise a reward of a colouring book to occupy them ?
If new foods are a problem tell them what to do if they don’t like something.

ananimous
My father was absent during WW2 and I became wild, As did many of my friends.

Inter-generational family dysfunction.

I disagree.

How on earth did those women manage during wartime without their fathers.

And what about fathers in the forces?

Ridiculous.

IMO young children need 2 parents. 1m, 1f. otherwise they become wild. Feminists will disagree.
I speak from experience , having tried to bring up my 3 on my own.
If that's not going to happen, your daughter will find out eventually.
There will be so much more going on in the minds and feelings of you grand daughters, Muddigran. They're not horrible.

The mother is feeling like a scapegoat?

www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/scapegoat

Was just going to add that Bluebell*The mother is probably stressed and hoping she is approved of by parents and siblings and the kids recognise the stress and act up*

The mother is probably stressed and hoping she is approved of by parents and siblings and the kids recognise the stress and act up
Its a circular problem they seem to behave with the mum and behave with the grandparents but when the two mix they pick up the vibes and get out of hand

Unless somebody else brought your daughter up, I would say she is showing the parenting style she was taught, she may have adapted it slightly.

Is she the scapegoat?

Do the children pick up your thinking that they are "horrible" - I'm sorry, but that is an abusive way to talk about you loved ones, when it cannot possibly be their fault. They will know by now they aren't liked, and that will have fed into their confidence badly.

They will also have picked up the vibe that all other kids in the family are liked better.
Under the circumstances they would probably think "I may as well be the black sheep I am being labelled".

This is not a quick fix issue. Thinking back to your daughter as she grew up, with the view to seeing where this all started, might be a place to start.

The fact that the children behave when just with you is a positive point because it shows they know how to behave. and are probably well parented most of the time.
Just not when the adult family is all together..

If they are OK with you, but not when their mother is present, it suggests that there is something not quite right about the mother/child dynamic.
The acting out the OP had talked about isnt when the children are alone with their mum.
Its when their mum is there WITH her parents and adult siblings... who dont like her life choices..

If they are OK with you, but not when their mother is present, it suggests that there is something not quite right about the mother/child dynamic.

Do you ever visit your daughter and DGC at home and see how their home life runs? Then think whether there is anything there that causes problems.

The fact that the children behave when just with you is a positive point because it shows they know how to behave.

I m afraid your headline put me off to start with How can you call your grandkids horrible ....poor kids and your daughter sounds judged by you and the other more perfect siblings
Perhaps they play up because they recognise tension between you and your daughter

I dont think the OP expects seen not heard or anything like that. I think they ARE acting up

However I suspect the acting up is at least partly to do with the atmosphere when the mother and OP/other children are there rather than being all the mothers fault.

My granddsdons can be very unruly. My DD Siblings think that she doesn't do enough to 'sort' them sometimes, but I can see a completely exhausted woman who needs a break, and relaxes into a 'mum will sort it' attitude when she is at ours. Not all the time - but sometimes. Your daughter coudl be struggling herself, and I suspect you are right, if they only really play up when she is there they are desperate for her attention. I do n't know what yor relationship with your daughter is like - but I think you need to talk to her.

My mother always expected my children to just be quiet and still but my auntie... When my children were little she would be armed with things for them to do, if I looked tired I got sent for a nap or she'd send me for a walk if I looked stressed. When I had newborns she would put me and baby to bed and take the others out to play. She had two energetic boys and knew how exhausting it was. When we were with her, it was my time to just be relaxed and mothered while she had great times with the children. I'm hoping to be just like her x

Are you not engaging with them? Playing games, encouraging them?

Or are you all talking over the top of them, all adults together and they just want some attention?

As a TA I worry much more about children who are acting out away from their parents (unless they have special needs), that can mean they feel safer away from parents than they do at home. All children need to push boundaries and let off emotional and physical energy. Some have more than others, especially if they have had stress in their lives with parents who left etc. I would make more effort to include their mum and make her welcome so she feels happy and loved. The children will also respond to that x

I don't think that the children sound happy. I think that they have learned that if they want their mothers attention then they have to act up. As they have grown so has their behaviour. What to do about it? Well if your DD can't see a problem then it impossible. However if she says that the children are not getting invited to parties, sleepovers etc. Then you could point out that their behaviour may be the cause. Having said that, you say they are different when their mother is not around so it may not arise. I think that she has made a rod for her own back.

Children are always always naughtier in the presence of their parents, it shows they feel safe around her x

That's rather sad. Calling your grandchildren horrible.

They're only little.

This reminds me a bit of my childless sister

My 4 children were pretty well behaved but would run and play

My sister would give them this look. Well, if looks could kill etc etc

If I was your daughter I'd probably not bother with family functions!

Why did we need to know they have different dads and you think your daughter is stupid when it comes to men? If she is happy and the children are happy, leave them to it x

Do you have an OH who could step in? My DH has great fun with DGC but if they step out of line he has a look and his teacher's voice and they listen. This is for things like defiance if I ask them to do something - saying no to me. (DD1 would be horrified as she stands no nonsense - also teacher). He rarely has to do this so it is very effective. This is for 6 and 3 year old neither of whom would behave badly in a restaurant/cafe. 22 month old is too young for this but DD2 is also quite strict and if something needs done eg. nappy - it gets done so expect he will be the same. If you don't have OH then maybe a sibling of your DD could try? It sounds like she is struggling with the safe and acceptable boundaries for the children whilst in her care as it sounds like school is not an issue and they can accept the discipline there.

Muddigran,
We have recently spent time with two children of similar ages.
On a 1 to 1 without technology they are delightful, a walk on the beach, baking etc and I love every minute I am with them.
Once they are in a public place where they need to behave they are very difficult.
The iPads are used as a pacifier.
I have every sympathy.

Think as a child:
you alone: adults happy, children happy
Mum alone: adults happy, children happy
Both of you in the same room: adults tense, children......