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Grandparenting

Horrible grandchildren....HEL P

(83 Posts)
Muddigran Mon 24-Feb-20 11:38:35

We have 4 children, only 2 granddaughters currently. Daughter is a single mother, neither father is really in the picture. She is book smart, man stupid, but that’s another story. Her daughters, ages 4 and 8 are horrible. Their behavior is constantly unruly, loud, spoiled brat behavior and she’s oblivious. It’s so bad our other 3 children don’t want to invite her anywhere because being with her kids is so stressful. When we have a family get together and they leave there is a collective sigh of relief from everyone present. I don’t know how to talk to her about this. She is the the only one that doesn’t notice how badly they behave. How do we have a constructive conversation with her about this?

notanan2 Mon 24-Feb-20 11:43:34

Your post isnt very specific maybe you can elaborate?
What is the "unruly, loud, spoilt brat behaviours?

notanan2 Mon 24-Feb-20 11:45:43

Are your other adult children child free or do they just not have girls?

Children WILL pick up on not being wanted in company so you will see the worst not the best in them if people are internal eyerolling and click watching till they leave.

notanan2 Mon 24-Feb-20 11:45:57

Clock watching

notanan2 Mon 24-Feb-20 11:47:25

She is the the only one that doesn’t notice how badly they behave
Maybe she DOES notice how unwelcome they are, so it extra nice/lenient to them to compensate when youre all around.

Babyshark Mon 24-Feb-20 11:48:17

Your grandchild are not horrible. There behaviour is the issue, not them as children. Cannot stand anyone referring to a child as “horrible” please reframe how you think about them. They will pick up on it.

Babyshark Mon 24-Feb-20 11:48:44

*their

Buffybee Mon 24-Feb-20 11:48:48

Do you ever look after the girls at your house? If you do, you could get to know them better and gradually teach them behaviour which is acceptable to the rest of the family.
I don't think it will do much good to speak to your Daughter if she is oblivious to their behaviour and she will most probably resent it.

Muddigran Mon 24-Feb-20 11:51:47

They are just wild, unruly, loud, you cannot have a conversation with them, or with anyone else because of them. I will say we don’t have a problem with them when our daughter is not around, completely different children. I don’t mind kids being kids but this is not the same thing. It’s like they have to push and push every limit and it makes every family gathering miserable.

notanan2 Mon 24-Feb-20 11:55:31

Thats still not very specific..

Hard to respond to the vague post but as a stab in the dark: your DD is not comfortable around you because you judge her so youre not seeing her or her children at their best as she is tense in your company.

Missfoodlove Mon 24-Feb-20 11:58:16

Hi there, a horrible situation!

I have often found that children who behave so badly in the presence of a parent are crying out for help, attention and boundaries.

Are they good on a 1 to 1?
Are they spending too much time on technology?
Do hey show adults respect?
How do they cope in school?
Is their diet good?
Could there be undiagnosed disorders?

You need to do a bit of unraveling to get to the cause of the problem.
I would suggest trying to assess what the cause is and finding some possible solutions before discussing it with your daughter.

Good luck.

glammanana Mon 24-Feb-20 11:59:56

I am thinking on the same lines as Buffybee here and I would focus on the older child as the little one is obviously copying her sisters behaviour,speak to the elder child and tell her how much more interaction within the family they would have if they where not so boisterous it may just work for you.
I would talk to your DD and tell her that when the children visit your rules apply to your house and she should conform to this or meet up elsewhere she will soon come around to your way of thinking she may have a strop but your house your rules.

notanan2 Mon 24-Feb-20 12:00:03

*You need to do a bit of unraveling to get to the cause of the problem.
I would suggest trying to assess what the cause is and finding some possible solutions before discussing it with your daughter.*

That is NOT the OPs job!
Do that and see things go from bad to worse.

endlessstrife Mon 24-Feb-20 12:00:10

Aww, bless them, it’s not their fault😟. The adults need to get together and sort it. If it was a daughter-in-law, it could be more difficult, but she’s your daughter, you’ve known her longer than she has! Speak to her, but please don’t blame the children.

ananimous Mon 24-Feb-20 12:02:41

Scape goat/golden children red flag.

sodapop Mon 24-Feb-20 12:03:00

I agree with Babyshark it's the behaviour that is the problem and not the children. They will have picked up on the atmosphere when the family is together and react accordingly.
Have you tried positive reinforcements rewarding good behaviour and ignoring the bad. It's not easy when dealing with someone else's children I understand that. Why do they behave like this when your daughter is around does she not give them boundaries?

notanan2 Mon 24-Feb-20 12:03:06

You need to do a bit of unraveling to get to the cause of the problem
We dont even know if there IS a problem yet. OP hasnt quantified "unruly" etc
All we know so far is that the family dislike the DDs life choices and children. They WILL pick up on that and not be at their best in the family's company...

ananimous Mon 24-Feb-20 12:04:23

And they know they are not liked, too. Sad. More compassion, less judgement... Yes I see the irony.

Muddigran Mon 24-Feb-20 12:07:15

@notanan2 I know it’s rather vague, example; while eating at a restaurant they are running amuck through the restaurant, being so loud that other patrons are staring, throwing food, spitting food into their plates. This isn’t isolated but typical. I’ve stood back and watched at birthday parties for their friends, I can see the looks on the other parents faces. DD is so caught up in her own social life that she doesn’t see how wild they are. I truly think it’s her attention they are seeking,

notanan2 Mon 24-Feb-20 12:11:46

That does sound unruly.

Maybe your DD is unhappy and thats why shes fucused on seeking social validation. I do not think that confronting her on her parenting will improvw that if that is the case. I think maybe she needs to feel liked/secure and THEN she will naturally be able to parent better.

notanan2 Mon 24-Feb-20 12:13:08

If she feels labelled the black sheep then getting non family attention becomes more important to her IYKWIM

notanan2 Mon 24-Feb-20 12:14:42

As for the children. If they are seeking attention, reward positive dont focus on negative. Find goid qualities to compliment them on so they know that more good behaviour = more attention.

Muddigran Mon 24-Feb-20 12:15:47

School is great, good grades, bright intelligent children.
Too much tech definitely,
Away from DD, no problems at all, prefer this because we can actually talk with them.
We don’t know how to talk with her about it without offending her.

notanan2 Mon 24-Feb-20 12:18:23

We don’t know how to talk with her about it without offending her.
Try telling her what shes doing right to start. This'll bring down her defenses/walls and then she may volunteer her struggles/ask for help!

notanan2 Mon 24-Feb-20 12:20:18

Away from DD, no problems at all
Thats not necessarily accurate
Away from DD when she is around family isnt necessarily the same as how the children are when she is alone with them