Horrible grandchildren....HEL P

Yes! We love having them without DD because they act like normal children. I do realize being a single mom isn’t easy, and she does a wonderful job in most situations, and I don’t expect kids to be miniature adults. They act like they are starved for attention and will do whatever it takes to get it. When they spend weekends with us away from her, we never have to scold or raise our voices. Yesterday was my mother’s 81st birthday. The 2 kids were so wild and unruly I was nearly in tears and completely relieved when she took them home, I hate feeling this way.

Meanwhile maybe have get togethers in less formal places where its okay to be boistrous and noisy (much easier in summer: parks/picnics)

I do not mean that your family gatherings need to decamp to softplay (shudder) but some nice country pubs have big play areas, some nice cafes have play corners etc

I’ve heard remarks made by her friends directly to her about how the kids again, in "goldfish bowl" situations with family there.

Try a bit more love bombing. I dont mean general "we love you and are proud of you" I mean specifics. On both the mum and children. For whatever reason shes got into a situation where she knows shes judged (and she'll know!) and thats a hard pit to dig yourself out of without a leg up.

Shes not her best self/parent when shes in company/your company at the mo.

We used to call it ‘showing off’ if they seem fine on a one to one, I doubt that they are horrible.

If any of ours started playing up we just drew them aside and made them sit down, surely you can do this without upsetting your DD?

We have the same problem with our grandson, his behaviour is awful. Cheeky, out of control, insolent, running about and jumping on furniture, pouting, going into meltdown (he is 9 by the way)

It was put gently to us recently not problem with GDS but DD who I am afraid to say is only interested in herself and own life. It's so sad. We have tried speaking to DD but goes on the defence immediately and won't discuss the problem. We have got no further and I really do feel for you Muddigran, we are all stuck in the middle here. I dread the teenage years with GDS, the problem will only get worse. DD did go to parenting classes for a few months and there was some improvement but now gone. Muddigran you are welcome to sent me a private message. Keep your chin up and remember they are your grandchildren.

You only see how DD parents when she is parenting in a goldfish bowl (watched and judged by family)

If she can relax around you more. You may see a better parent in her!

Kids sound fine. They wouldnt be so happy and relaxed at school if they werent happy and relaxed at home. The kids wouldnt have the skills to behave alone with you if they were never parented.

If the combination of you/other ACs AND their mother in the same place at the same time is tense: kids sense that and either overly "people please" or go the other way and missbehave to try to cut through the tension

@notanan2 I don’t think she feels labeled as the black sheep, but her self perception is not likely the same as ours. We often tell her we are proud of her, she works hard, has a successful career, and I’m sure she’s exhausted at the end of a day. If I thought they only act this way with us it would be different. I’ve heard remarks made by her friends directly to her about how the kids need rules and boundaries and it’s like she doesn’t comprehend that they are meaning HER children, as though it’s a general statement.

notanan2.
The OP said she wished to discuss this with her daughter, It was not my suggestion.
You say we don’t know if there is a problem..... I think the headline “Horrible grandchildren HELP” indicates the OP feels there is a problem.

Away from DD, no problems at all
Thats not necessarily accurate
Away from DD when she is around family isnt necessarily the same as how the children are when she is alone with them

We don’t know how to talk with her about it without offending her.
Try telling her what shes doing right to start. This'll bring down her defenses/walls and then she may volunteer her struggles/ask for help!

School is great, good grades, bright intelligent children.
Too much tech definitely,
Away from DD, no problems at all, prefer this because we can actually talk with them.
We don’t know how to talk with her about it without offending her.

As for the children. If they are seeking attention, reward positive dont focus on negative. Find goid qualities to compliment them on so they know that more good behaviour = more attention.

If she feels labelled the black sheep then getting non family attention becomes more important to her IYKWIM

That does sound unruly.

Maybe your DD is unhappy and thats why shes fucused on seeking social validation. I do not think that confronting her on her parenting will improvw that if that is the case. I think maybe she needs to feel liked/secure and THEN she will naturally be able to parent better.

@notanan2 I know it’s rather vague, example; while eating at a restaurant they are running amuck through the restaurant, being so loud that other patrons are staring, throwing food, spitting food into their plates. This isn’t isolated but typical. I’ve stood back and watched at birthday parties for their friends, I can see the looks on the other parents faces. DD is so caught up in her own social life that she doesn’t see how wild they are. I truly think it’s her attention they are seeking,

And they know they are not liked, too. Sad. More compassion, less judgement... Yes I see the irony.

You need to do a bit of unraveling to get to the cause of the problem
We dont even know if there IS a problem yet. OP hasnt quantified "unruly" etc
All we know so far is that the family dislike the DDs life choices and children. They WILL pick up on that and not be at their best in the family's company...

I agree with Babyshark it's the behaviour that is the problem and not the children. They will have picked up on the atmosphere when the family is together and react accordingly.
Have you tried positive reinforcements rewarding good behaviour and ignoring the bad. It's not easy when dealing with someone else's children I understand that. Why do they behave like this when your daughter is around does she not give them boundaries?

Scape goat/golden children red flag.

Aww, bless them, it’s not their fault?. The adults need to get together and sort it. If it was a daughter-in-law, it could be more difficult, but she’s your daughter, you’ve known her longer than she has! Speak to her, but please don’t blame the children.

*You need to do a bit of unraveling to get to the cause of the problem.
I would suggest trying to assess what the cause is and finding some possible solutions before discussing it with your daughter.*

That is NOT the OPs job!
Do that and see things go from bad to worse.

I am thinking on the same lines as Buffybee here and I would focus on the older child as the little one is obviously copying her sisters behaviour,speak to the elder child and tell her how much more interaction within the family they would have if they where not so boisterous it may just work for you.
I would talk to your DD and tell her that when the children visit your rules apply to your house and she should conform to this or meet up elsewhere she will soon come around to your way of thinking she may have a strop but your house your rules.

Hi there, a horrible situation!

I have often found that children who behave so badly in the presence of a parent are crying out for help, attention and boundaries.

Are they good on a 1 to 1?
Are they spending too much time on technology?
Do hey show adults respect?
How do they cope in school?
Is their diet good?
Could there be undiagnosed disorders?

You need to do a bit of unraveling to get to the cause of the problem.
I would suggest trying to assess what the cause is and finding some possible solutions before discussing it with your daughter.

Good luck.

Thats still not very specific..

Hard to respond to the vague post but as a stab in the dark: your DD is not comfortable around you because you judge her so youre not seeing her or her children at their best as she is tense in your company.

They are just wild, unruly, loud, you cannot have a conversation with them, or with anyone else because of them. I will say we don’t have a problem with them when our daughter is not around, completely different children. I don’t mind kids being kids but this is not the same thing. It’s like they have to push and push every limit and it makes every family gathering miserable.