Gransnet forums


Grandkids moved away

(7 Posts)
denscott Fri 24-Apr-20 17:14:25

I landed upon this website in searching out some resources to help me deal with the sadness I am feeling and learn how to be a grandparent at a distance. I found out around Thanksgiving time that my daughter, son in law and grandkids would be moving to Alaska the very next month. Indeed they were gone by December 27. For the first month my daughter acted like I dropped from the face of the earth and I had very little contact. I was a very involved grandparent and saw my grand children every weekend as I took them to church or they stayed the night. I went to school events, etc. I honestly don't know how to feel better and get over this loss and hurt. Yes I will visit Alaska at some point and I've written, tried Face timing, stay updated with Facebook. The kids are 8, 7 and 5. It's hard to feel the closeness as they seem like they are too busy to talk, etc. I simply want some support as it seems no one else around me seems to understand and pretty much tells me to suck it up. I'm trying amid all the other stressors in life (caring for my sick mom and she recently moved in), but I seem to be failing. What has helped others? How are you grand parenting at a distance?

BlueBelle Fri 24-Apr-20 18:01:43

It is really really hard but we can’t ever dominate where our children are going to live or move to it happens all the time and although I wouldn’t put it as hard as suck it up you do have to try and allow yourself to get on with life doing all the things you are doing FaceTiming, calling, FB , sending pressies and going for holidays and staying as positive as possible
It is their choice where they live not ours it does get easier and you do get used to it All three of my children went to live overseas, one came back when her partner died but I still have 5 out 7 grandkids living across the sea or in one case many seas
It’s very early days for you but it will get easier IF you allow it to

curvygran Fri 24-Apr-20 18:18:19

I agree with BlueBelle, it’s very ,very hard but we have to let our children live their lives as they choose. I’ve brought my boys up to be independent brave and confident, so I can hardly complain when they’ve turned out to be just that ! 2 sons ‘over many seas’ as BlueBelle says and all visits unfortunately ( due to the virus)cancelled for this year at least . It’s very ,very hard and I do sympathise with your situation, but keep in touch with your grandchildren as much as you can,and look forward to visiting them .

Eglantine21 Fri 24-Apr-20 20:11:17

You’ve got two big life changes there with your Mom moving in as well. Allow yourself time to adjust and grieve a little. Thankfully, it’s amazing what we do get used to.

Are you on the East Coast? Hard to visit when you have your Mom to look after.


agnurse Fri 24-Apr-20 21:19:25

As far as them not contacting you for a month: keep in mind that this would have been a very busy time for them. They had to get the house in order, enroll the children in school, adjust to their new jobs, etc. Plus, there is very little daylight in Alaska during the winter (sometimes as little as a few hours to none at all, depending on where they are located) and that takes some adjustment too. They may well not have intended to be hurtful, but did not have time for much contact.

Hetty58 Fri 24-Apr-20 22:30:31

denscott, life goes through phases, nothing stays the same. We have to adapt as we go.

I was very involved with my first grandson, brought him up from a toddler until aged 10, then he went to live with his mother. It was the right thing for him - but like giving a child away - and I missed him terribly.

One son returned to live here, with his partner and daughters, on two occasions, for a couple of months.

All my children have moved several times. I don't see them frequently, we phone and do occasional FaceTimes.

Their children belong to them, not me. I'm a background figure. It's lovely when they visit - but I've always had my own life and interests to keep me occupied.

sukie Sat 25-Apr-20 05:49:24

Welcome to gransnet denscott. I can identify with what you're going through. I was very involved in my dgc lives up until they moved 1,000 miles away last summer. The early months were so difficult and it still is at times. We did go visit last fall and had planned to go this spring but of course that won't be happening anytime soon.

Initially we skyped every week which was great but the past few months that has gone to about every other week. The older two, now nearly 8 & 10 will say hello but are usually anxious to get back to whatever they were doing. The little ones, 3 & 5 are still very engaged with us and enjoy showing us various things. It's fun just to watch them play! No pressure for more frequent calls though as we understand the parents are very busy and it is comforting for us to know they are all thriving in their new environment.

It has helped me to put together packages for special occasions (halloween, Christmas, Valentine, birthdays) with treats/gifts for each child and they have always skyped with us when they are opening the package. I'm thankful for video chatting!

As previous posters have stated, it does get easier with time. I try to focus on the positive (they are happy and it's a better place for them to be) and not dwell on missing them. Sometimes the emotion gets to me and I wallow in it a bit but it passes and I move on.

Periods of transition always seem to bring me some degree of melancholy. You are dealing with a lot right now so be kind to yourself as you adjust to the changes. Hopefully you have some help with your mom's care and can plan a trip to Alaska when it's safe to travel. I wish you the best. S.