A new mum unsure how to handle her MIL

I’m very sorry you are dealing with this as this sounds like a true ordeal you are facing. Unfortunately you must put your foot down and make it clear that this is you and your partner’s baby and you and him make the decisions. Be kind and courteous. But be firm. It will not be easy but it’s extremely important to firm up your boundaries. So sorry you are experiencing this.

I have read this before, probably on mumsnet.

Your MIL is behaving according to her culture and is most unlikely to accept that there is anything wrong with her behaviour. There is by our standards but the important thing is that you and your husband need to be united for anything to change.

I encountered cultural differences in my marriage (not as extreme but it means I “get” it). You either function as a small family unit or a wider African type one where grandmother rules the roost. Neither is correct. They are simply different.

If you are unable to compromise on any important point then you have to know if your husband is going to support your viewpoint and back you up. If he won’t then your marriage is doomed and the sooner you split the better.

To give an example. I suspect you are hinting that she expects your child to be circumcised, you do not. Before you decided to have a baby was this not discussed?
There are pros and cons to male circumcision (I have spoken to an NHS urologist who said many of the problems he deals with in men could have been prevented if the patient had been circumcised at birth) though the current climate in this country is against.
What if your baby had turned out to be a girl? Would FGM have been expected? Do you even know? This would be totally unacceptable, not just in this country but in every civilised culture.

This is the problem in “mixed marriages” which being in love makes you both blind to until clashes arise.
You have to consider whether your husband is willing to compromise and you have to know what issues you would never compromise on by sitting down and discussing it.

To use mumsnet speak - you have a DH problem, not a mother in law problem!

Notspaghetti

Thanks! I misread.

I agree with you

She didn't say that Hithere she said we’ve decided that I should send her a text similar to this thread which isn't quote the same.

I think personally that a text is a mistake as it's in writing and will almost certainly be picked over and probably negated and maybe ridiculed. I think your husband kshould speak to her initially.
Good luck!

Link to this post, sorry

Why should you send her a link to this postman

Why is not your partner handling his own mother?

Conversations explaining your boundaries do not go well.

Thank you to everyone who commented! I’ve had a good conversation with my partner and told him a lot of the stuff he was in dark about. It was a hard conversation but glad it happened. We have slightly different views on the frequency of visits etc but we’ve decided that I should send her a text similar to this thread and then when lockdown is over have a conversation with her in more depth. Thank you again for all your comments I’ll try and keep everyone posted

I too like Hithere's attidude of non-interference, if I may so describe it.

As others have said it is your husband who is key in this and you have to work together on the problem.

She is being very disrespectful and behaving very inappropriately indeed and she has to realise that it will not be tolerated and that she is not the one making the decisions about your lives or your baby!

Hithere gives good advice above

I know it is not easy to face

Your mother in law is from a "country in Africa". Then perhaps she is traditionally something or other about mutilating babies' genitals, which is illegal.

Good that your husband is involved as perhaps he can gently persuade his mother that mothers in law are not so very important in Europe.

Why have you put up with this unacceptable behaviour for 15 months!!! At least now, this lockdown gives you the chance to set new ground rules when restrictions are lifted. Your partner needs to be fully on side and, united, you tell her the new family rules and that there will be no deviations. Also, consider moving house if you can afford to.

What an absolute nightmare for you I would never behave like that with my grandchildren how they run their lives is totally up to them.
When this lockdown is over and done with now that you and your partner are on the same page regarding his mother I would not invite her to your home but ask your partner to meet her say once a week with your little boy for an hour or so,she will soon get the message just keep firm with your decision and don't be bullied by her as that is what she is doing,also get those curtains closed and don't respond to her when she arrives.

@Hithere thank you very much. I do feel I needed to hear that straight up. I have been scarred to offend which is why this has gone on for so long. No im not from any country in Africa. But I’m thankful for your replies they’ve been very helpful. Yes my mil mentioned it to me to shave little ones head also but we just put it off and never did it. I’m happy it worked out for you X

OP
Remember some facts
1. It doesnt matter where you come from, culture is not an excuse to ignore other people's wishes and needs and rights.
There are abusive people in all countries, cultures, social classes, etc.

2. Being assertive and telling her no is not being disrespectful

If anything, she is disrespecting you.
Dont be scared to stand your ground even if you feel you are "disrespectful with elders"

3. Are you also African?
My dh and I are from different cultures and we respect each other's customs.
If something doesnt work for me or him, we dont do it.
For example - in his culture, they shave the baby's head at 1 y.o. and it is a huge deal and milestone.
In mine, there is nothing like that and I told him my kids would no go through it.
Problem solved.
My ILs were super disappointed. They managed to get over it.

Thank you all it’s very reassuring that I do need to take action! Thank you

Hey everyone thank you for replying with your advice. My mil isn’t Jewish but from a country in Africa. And yes dh is aware now and we are trying to figure it out without being disrespectful

Where does your partner stand? Does he recognize his mother is a nightmare?

I too think the first thing is close those curtains, block her number on your mobile and take your landline off the hook!
Oh and unfriend her on FB .
Are you actually in quarantine? Why?
If you are in lockdown are either of you working from home? Even if you are you are still restricted in your movements so stay in.
Then sit down with your partner and lay it on the line - you need to agree a course of action.

There’s so much wrong here, I can hardly believe it. Thank goodness for lockdown and some respite for you. What’s your partner doing? Has he read this? I’d show him and your awful MIL this post. Then say if things don’t change, you’ll no longer have her in your life. DO however, give her chance to change. You’ve obviously not been assertive at all, and have kind of made it worse, to the point she may not realise what she’s been doing. Please don’t let it continue. This is your and partner’s child, she needs to seriously butt out.

I am so sorry to hear about the issues you are having with your MIL. She obviously loves her GS very much and is thrilled to be a grandma but her behaviour is completely unacceptable. He is your baby, not hers. You’re going to have to be strong and assertive. I wouldn’t just leave it to your partner to sort it out.

Oh my your mother in law sounds awful.

First and foremost its you partners job to tell his mother how you both feel, you are a family in your own right now. You both need to agree on what you both want.

You should be enjoying your time with your son as they grow up so quick, not be worrying about her.

For now keep your curtains closed hopefully she will get the message, but if everything you say about her is true i doubt it.

You post makes my blood boil. I totally sympathise, I had the mil from hell but yours really takes some beating! I can’t and never will be able to get my head round the fact that these type of people still exist, and I’m going back 40 odd years with mine, my heart goes out to you, I suggest you have a word with your husband and ask him to speak to his interfering mother, surely he sees how she is around her grandson. Or is most of it done when you are alone with her? Either way he needs to support you over her treatment of you, this post is so very much like another post few months ago, regarding an interfering MIL . But as you say it’s your first post then I’m taking it at face value, stand up to her in very firm way it’s your baby, your rules not hers

There was a post about a year ago SKMP28 that was almost the same. They had moved near to the mother-in-law and the new mother was regretting it.
Sadly, from this there must be many mums with overbearing mother in laws. My own mother would probably have been overbearing in different ways had she lived close enough.

My feeling is that you need to speak to your husband. HE is the one that needs to be there for you and your little one and fight your corner. I personally wouldn't close curtains as that is pretty depressing but I might make a note of when she drops by and try to be out at that time. I think maybe your husband doesn't realise fully the impact thus micr-managegement is having on your confidence and your own joy of your little one. Now is the time to be honest. He needs to realise that his role is now to work with you for a happy family life. Of course he loves his mother (with all our faults most of us do have children who love us) but he needs to kindly but firmly explain that you will be parenting your little boy in your own way. He mustn't let his mother be the wedge that drives your family apart.

As regards the wedding, when we wanted our other children and families to stay in a particular hotel with us for my daughter's wedding we just paid for it. Obviously we asked them if they minded first! Why isn't she offering this I wonder if she is so affluent?

If it is really the cost that makes you want to stay elsewhere, you need to say so firmly now. "Sorry it's out of our budget". Just say no. Don't get caught in the "we'll think about it" trap. Say no now and it will go away or it will grind you down.
If really you just want to get away for a few days and stay elsewhere say "we are going to have a little family break and have booked somewhere else but wd are SO looking forward to being with you on your big day"!

Good luck!

There’s probably been someone posting on a very similar theme before, OP.
Reading your post has made me realise, not for the first time, why so many DiLs want nothing, or as little as possible, to do with their MiLs. What is wrong with these women, that they have to be so interfering/controlling and have no idea of acceptable boundaries?

OP, you will need to be extremely firm, but as calmly and politely as you possibly can ( so as not to give her or your dp any possible grounds for saying you’re being hysterical, over-emotional, etc.).

It will no doubt be hard, but people like this (with controlling/bullying tendencies) will often IMO rely on the other person giving in, either because they hate confrontation, or through sheer weariness at having to fight the battle of wills.

Why some mothers and MiLs seem to think that their grandchild is an extension of themselves, so can do what they like , is really beyond me - it just shows a lack of respect, however close they are to either DS or DiL!
This woman sounds like a complete nightmare. To barge into the delivery room, bringing a complete stranger with her and take photos is unforgiveable - I'd be very tempted to make a complaint to the hospital about it.
She is obviously thrilled to be a grannie, with the posting of photos and dragging her friends in uninvited, but you have the right to bring up your child as you want, without anyone's input, so stick to your guns! Close your curtains - in fact, if I saw her peering through the window, I'd close the curtains in her face - if she complains either directly or indirectly via your OH, you can always say that as you were walking around in your robe/ breastfeeding/ getting baby dressed, that with people out on their constitutionals, you wanted a bit of privacy as you never knew who would be looking through the window!!! (If you shut the curtains in her face, say the sun was in the babies eyes!!)