Sick of my DIL

I’m sorry but if I had a MIL like you I think I’d feel the same way. I realised that when I read your first sentence. “ I do everything for my son and DIL....”
You should not be doing everything for them. They are adults and as such should not have an interfering MIL buying a bath mat when theirs goes straggly for eg. Get real, give them some independence and space to lead their own lives for heaven sake. I would say it’s not a question of what you do with her but what she does with you! You’ve already caused friction between your son and DIL. If you truly loved your son and grandchild you would be letting them live their lives the way they want to and be happy for them. What sort of example are you setting as a supportive grandparent? You should only give advice if asked for it. If you were my MIL I would be having nothing to do with you until you got off your high horse and lowered yourself to make a ....genuine apology..... and .... back off!!

Karen22

Specki4eyes, I relate to you. In old age I too wish there had been a daughter ....as the saying goes.
A daughter is a daughter all her life, but a son is a son until he gets a wife.

Not true at all. I am NC with my mother. I'm much closer to my MIL

A daughter is a daughter all her life, but a son is a son until he gets a wife

Unless you're wise and make sure that your DIL is made to feel that she's a valuable, welcome and much loved part of your family. You offer help and support; but never interfere. You give advice; but only when you're asked for it. And you take every opportunity to tell your DIL what a good job she's doing and how proud of her you are. That way, you don't lose your son and you gain a daughter.

Karen22

Specki4eyes, I relate to you. In old age I too wish there had been a daughter ....as the saying goes.
A daughter is a daughter all her life, but a son is a son until he gets a wife.

Very misandric and misogynistic at the same time.

Sad Mil, your thread title is I'm sick of my DIL I'll bet she's sick of you interfering in her life with her children, her garden, her washing, her housekeeping and her marriage.
Your son doesn't belong to you. It's time for him to establish his own family, if you start to behave yourself and stop poking your nose in you might be a part of their lives.
Sadly I don't think that you will, I think you've convinced yourself that you are doing the right thing but I can tell you that you are not.
If you don't back off you'll be seeing your son's family break up and your contact with your grandchildren will rapidly decrease.

This has to be a wind up, nobody can be that thick skinned can they?

A daughter is a daughter all her life, but a son is a son until he gets a wife.

I dont think that is always true Karen but I am sorry if you personally find yourself in that situation in a way that makes you feel unhappy

Sorry but what nonsense. My sons are still very much sons as well as husbands and fathers. It’s Not either or.
A bit like the ridiculous “no smoke without fire” saying leading to condemnation with no proof.

Specki4eyes, I relate to you. In old age I too wish there had been a daughter ....as the saying goes.
A daughter is a daughter all her life, but a son is a son until he gets a wife.

I think the problem is that we would like our DILs to be like a real daughter and so often they are not. Theres often an underlying jealousy/resentment, often because to our DSs, we were and possibly still are the archetypal 'Woman'. My own DIL rarely speaks to me..except when she wants something. During Lockdown we've had the occasional family Zoom meet...she never joins in. I love my DSs and never felt sad that I didnt have a daughter, but now, as I age, I do .

It reads that this relationship gives neither of you pleasure, and as other posters have suggested it may be that what you see as being helpful is perceived by her as a form of unspoken criticism.
Leave them to lead their own lives but stay in touch and stay friendly.

Floradora, I said "split themselves off" I did not say "cut themselves off". Nowadays it's taken for granted in Europe and US anyway that the nuclear family is a separate unit.

We bring our beloved children up, hopefully to be able to leave and form their own relationships. When they do that with another person, that pushes us down the pecking order. When their children come along, we drop even further down that.

That is how it should be. Hard enough for a Mum with two very young children, if her home and garden were in brilliant order, that would be a concern!!!!

Your son needs to ensure he puts his wife and his children first in his care and emotions. He will never stop loving his parents, but you are not the most important people in his world.

I am sure you would be devastated if your actions led to this relationship breaking down. Please step well back. Let this young family get on with their lives. Let them know that if you can help in any way, all they need to do is to ask - and then leave it.

Lots of excellent advice on here, please do take it and if you do, then you will find that you will in the course of time start to have a really good relationship with this family. ANd, please....why on earth are you emailing your son every other day? Surely he has enough on his plate with two very young children.

Perhaps she’s upset that her husband failed to leave and cleave and her mother in law is merrily undermining their marriage? Perhaps she’s tired of feeling like the other woman in her own marriage, and knowing her spouse would pick his mother over her every single time? You have to decide if you want your grandchildren to be raised in a happy home or if ‘winning’ over your DIL is the priority.

Alexa where do you get that idea ? I know of no children of my family or friends who have cut themselves off from their parents .

I wonder if SadMIL would feel a lot better if she knew it's normal behaviour for new young families to split themselves off from their birth families.

This was seldom happened in the olden days when extended families clung together for mutual support.

I am sorry for the bad attitude from your DIL. That is unfortunately how she is towards you. Perhaps she is jealous of something? One thing that caught my eye was all the things you continue to do for the family. I would stop with that. I don't know - I don't think it is good to continue to do things for other people (nor your family) if you are not appreciated. You feel worse in the end, I think. I would be in contact, offer to help, send your Grandchildren postcards, funny things and then take it easy. I know how you must feel and I am sorry - it is not you but we cannot control other people. I think she is jelous of you perhaps of something you are thinking of. Good luck

Your behavior could force you being cut out of their lives.
If your son has to choose between you and his wife and children he will not choose you.

SadMIL The message to you has been consistent all the way through, though some have been expressed with honest and constructive criticism and recognised some understanding of your upset (despite saying you need to back off) and clear suggestions of what you need to do whilst others have been expressed unnecessarily nastily. However the message is consistent and I really hope that you can think the message through, act on it and build a happier time for your son and his family and for you and your husband as grandparents

Oh really come on! It's all getting a bit petty now.

It’s a shame your son went and got married when it was clear he was already married to you. Hopefully dil will wise up, take the kids, and find a real man not one already married to mummy. Your husband and you and your son all ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

TerriBull such self-centred people interpret the palpable annoyance and discomfort of the daughter-in-law as the DiL simply being difficult.

I hope SadMiL has been having a good think about what everyone on here is saying.

Please back off and let her do her thing. You may think that you are being helpful and kind, but she may see it as criticism.
When you visited her in hospital after GD was born, did you ask before you picked the baby up? Poor woman was in pain, not feeling brilliant and no doubt struggling to pick her own child up on her own!
She may find it a struggle to say thank you and actually ask for help - don't assume that she actually needs any help anyway - some people prefer to struggle through on their own - that's just the way they are!
So now, you have told tales and created a problem between your DS and DiL. I think that you first of all need to apologise to them both, however hard it is and leave them to it and only go if invited. Always amazes me that some mothers assume that when their adult children marry, that they can just carry on treating their child as they have done - without seemingly realising that that child now has someone else in front of you in the queue and not being able to respect the boundries!

IF the mother-in-law is someone who can back off it's not an issue for me, Alexa. My mother-in-law would notice something not quite to her standards and say things like "do you need some help with x" and I'd say, "oh no thanks we'll get around to it eventually". She would never mention it again.
Occasionally I'd mull it over and might (much later) ask. If she'd said if even twice I think I'd have felt undermined. She was always conscious it was our home and family though. I think that makes all the difference.

Do grans think it's okay to ask son or daughter in law if they would like to know her idea , or have some specified help e.g. mother in law asks "do you want help with that or not?"