Sick of my DIL

I think that you really need to leave them alone and let them sort out their family issues. It's perfectly reasonable for her to seek advice from her family. She possibly feels that your helping is actually a criticism of her. I think that she is probably right. Take a step back, leave off the gifts and find another avenue for your caring abilities. It's sad that you do not have the relationship that you would like but you may find that by lowering your expectations things settle down and become less fraught.

Maybe lay off trying so hard with her. No doubt she is well aware you don’t like her and resents having to be thankful when you do things for her unasked.
I had issues with one of my dils, and stepping back worked wonders we get on very well now.

I think you need to step back and let them get on with their lives. You are causing problems between them with your neediness. I’m sorry if you think that’s harsh but you sound like you are just putting yourself where you are not wanted. You’re never going to have a good relationship with your dil if you keep going, my daughters would be insulted if I kept replacing various items in their home saying it looked ‘scraggly’ please back off and hope by making an effort she will eventually come round.

IF this is not a wind up,, you should apologise & assure them that you are there if needed ,but will wait to be asked , then you should get on with your own life.

Good advice from Daisymae taking a step back is the way to go. Offering help and advice when it's asked for is one thing but for example replacing a bath mat and sorting out their garden if you weren't asked too, is interfering and understandably seen by your d.i.l. as criticism.

I think you should leave them alone to get on with it, smile sweetly and pretend everything is just fine. That way maybe you will get more out of them.

It sounds like there is more going on here than meets the eye. Just leave them to it and stop buying them things and doing their garden, unless they actually asked you to do so??

I agree with the others, you need to step back. It's natural for daughters to turn to their own mothers when they need help.

You may think you are being very helpful, and possibly you are, but perhaps she sees this as overbearing.

Doing things such as buying a new bath mat because you thought theirs was worn out is an implied criticism.
With two babies under two she wouldn't have much time for gardening - surely your son should be doing that at the moment?

Try backing off, let them know you're there if they need you but just be a friendly, non-interfering MIL and Granny.

Never, ever, complain about your DIL to your son. Do not come between them.
That's a cardinal sin.

Be cheery, friendly but let them live their own lives with their messy garden and scruffy bath mat.

Unless SadMIL comes back to comment we can take this post as yet another ‘windup’ as Bridgit suggests.

But we are all so kind.

This is not going to be easy.
You come across as trying too hard, in an attempt to disguise your true feelings about your DIL - and failing
May I quote
I always make her feel included with the children when I talk to them saying ‘does mummy dress you in that, that’s lovely’ those sort of comments and I barely get an acknowledgement
From what you say, your GS is two and your GD one - of course her mummy dressed them in whatever - frankly it just sounds patronising. .
You say you have bought them things such as a pram and only get a “thanks” back. Well perhaps it could be expressed better, but what more do you want?
And as for taking umbrage because the email about the Christmas tree didn’t contain “love from” or “kisses” - too many emails ( IMO) add xxx without it meaning very much, or end phone calls with “love you, byee!” - all entirely formulaic.
And then your husband rang your son to “sort her out” - really?
Last straw- I can’t imagine how they felt at being given a new bathmat because theirs was all scraggly

From the outset you come across as bearing a grudge against your DIL. I can fully understand how sensitive she might have felt when her first baby was colicky or had reflux. New mums can feel very helpless and having MIL interfere is not a good move. Why should you hold her baby instead of her? Boundaries were crossed at that point and have not been respected since.
You say you are fed up and ask what you should do “with her” - no, you need to look at your own attitude, back off, calm down and do not let your animosity come between a husband and wife.

I bought my Daughter a new bath mat because hers was not good , she was so offended ! What would you feel like if she replaced stuff in your house without her asking ! Of course it wasn’t meant as criticism, but that’s the way my lovely Daughter looked at it
Leave her alone , stop interfering !

It's difficult getting the balance right - been there, done that, got the T-shirt!

I love my GD with a passion, but it's not up to me to bring her up, I'm not her mother, so I have to leave them to it and enjoy the times we're together.

I'd like my DiL to be like a daughter, as I don't have one but, again, I'm not her mother and I can't expect to be treated in the same way. DS and DiL are doing fine, they have a nice home and do things their way (definitely not mine!). They keep in touch regularly and we meet when we can, although not at the moment, and get on well together. I'm trying to step back and let them get on with it, although it's not easy.

In defence of us all, I didn't really appreciate my MiL until I'd been married for some 20years. Maybe we do just have to be patient.

Welcome to Gransnet SadMIL and I hope you will find some comfort and ideas here.

My own feeling is that your daughter-in-law is being undermined by your generosity. It’s very awkward and embarrassing to always be receiving things whoever you are. Just stop giving. Do not comment on anything that needs updating/replacing and when chatting to the children be sure to praise her.

I would advise you to look for the good in this woman. She is the very special person that the son (who you love and raised) has chosen. He will still love you - but now he has other priorities with a wife and family and is inevitably not going to enjoy this friction. If you can find the good in her, start with that.

Think about it. Is she a good mother - she has presumably nurtured your grandchildren? She no doubt supports your son , creating a warm home with him. It sounds to me that they maybe have a smaller income than you and they need to make it go a long way. Maybe she holds her children close because she loves them dearly.

Please try to find the good. One day you will then see in her something of the good that your son does and your relationship will soften.

Remember, we have no chance of changing others, but we can change ourselves. Little by little you can warm to each other, as Dillythegardner says.
Good luck!

Back off, too many grans think the family should revolve around them , only natural to turn to her own parents that s the way of life I loved my mum in law but I loved my mum more and it was her I turned to if I needed help
As for your husband !!! Words fail me Are you looking to be extricated from their lives completely ?
Back right off, do not give them things that you think need replacing that’s so offensive even if my own mother had done that I would have truly prickled you are really overstepping the mark and if you don’t stop they will cut you out completely and then you ll wonder why ?

You could tell her that you would like nothing more than have a better relationship with her and apologise that at the moment it isn’t happening. Because of your unhappiness with her behaving in your opinion unacceptable, it now is causing a rift between her and your son. This could have dire consequences for your son and grandchildren. Step back and be humble and leave them alone. Your son chose her and she comes first. I was lucky to have the most fabulous mother in law in my first marriage but not so in my second. So good and bad. If they had bought me a shower mat because they thought the one I had was shabby I would have felt insulted!

Poor woman - your DIL not you!!!

Back off. You have caused a rift between your son and his wife with your interference - how can you possibly want that? I am sure you want your son to be happy, and you are endangering that. Speaking to your son about your DIL is a huge No-no. What can you have been thinking of?

I too think this is probably a wind-up - but if it is not, then I think good advice has been given here.

Nobody could confess to being that bewildered about ther crass behaviour could they?

Or could they?

Having been a DIL (to a very over-bearing woman) and also a MIL myself now, I have to say you seem to expect a huge amount of gratitude. Things aren't all about you, your feelings, your needs. Back off and let them get on with your life, or you'll cause a bigger rift.

I do give them space. I don’t ring them, I only email every couple of days and it’s always to my son so I’m not pestering her.

I didn’t cause their rift, my husband got angry and messaged when he saw how upset I was. I didn’t want to be involved in the argument. I spent that evening crying upstairs when my son came over because he had been told to leave.

Her family don’t ever help with paying for things which they obviously need as they both don’t have great jobs. They don’t help with childcare maybe once a month if that I hear of them going to her family.

We did used to get on before children so I just don’t understand it.

Email every couple of days?! They have their 6lives, let them get on with it.

Read your first line and I think you’ll find the answer. You’ve made it all about you at a time when their children being born should have been all about them. Sorry to be blunt, but you really risk not seeing them at all if you continue to behave like this.

? sadMil please read all of the above you have great advise if only you pay attention

I get no appreciation.........*I barely get an acknowledgement........... I only just get a ‘thanks’ back*.........
There is a pattern here.

What should I do with her? - you should do nothing with her. Leave her be.

You need to concentrate on your own life. They are looming too large in yours.

So - expand your own horizons, develop your own interests and relationships and leave this young family to find its own path. They do not need you - that is the fundamental fact that we, as grandparents, need to absorb. They have moved on and are leading their own lives.

You did cause a rift between the young couple - you got upset because an email contained no endearments - why would you do that? This led to your OH trying to deal with you by contacting them and igniting a fire.

I am so sorry that you are in this position, but from everything you have said it does seem to be of your making. Could you try and take that on board for everyone's sake. It is the last thing this busy young family need.