Missing close relationship with granddaughters in Australia

Sorry ladies, didn’t mean to sound miserable and ungrateful. It’s this self-isolation finally getting to me.
I should be grateful that we’ve stayed well!!
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I do understand how you feel, not to be remembered on your Birthday as you get older can be very upsetting and thoughtless. Its even worse though when you have no idea what your GC look like or what their interests are. We see and hear regularly from our DD and family, but our DS 's DW! does not let their 2 girls have anything to do with any of us, We have been in this situation for 10+ years now, and although tears can surface easily we have had no option but to accept it. We send cards and pressies but never know if they are opened and re done or if they get to the girls as from us, never get any thank yous' or cards on our special days from them, it is sad as I think that this generation will grow up thinking that this is the norm.

Don't be too hard on your grandchildren. The way the younger generation communicate is far different from what was expected of we oldies when we were young. Christmas and birthday thank you letters were just accepted as being a normal thing to do. I find my grandchildren now telephone me regularly, not just to say thank you but just to have a chat. send photographs etc on line. and in addition it seems the youngsters do not send or expect to receive actual card s through the post. There are so many other ways in which to communicate nowadays we are almost spoilt for choice. Whether we like it or not, I'm afraid we all have to move with the times, but I am sure your grandchildren do love you and appreciate what you do for them.

Without sounding too critical do you ever make cards and send out to them?
If it's not something they do it's impossible to expect the impossible. You say they are busy so down time is their family time.
What I gather could be most upsetting is the distance which must be hard. Enjoy your video chats I know it's difficult when they are running around I get that with my grandchildren but hopefully we will.all.be able to visit our grandchildren soon.

Rightly or wrongly, I think the best you can do is make a lot of effort yourself. I totally understand how you’d like it to be (me too in my own situation) and lockdown is probably accentuating things but with so much distance between you, I think you’ve got to get your grandchildren more interested...maybe take some photos of the area you live in...or things you are doing.....even if lockdown...and email them to the girls. Or send postcards...or relevant cards....just some ideas...I’m sure you’ll have more.If they have any interests, use those, to start conversations. Young children are naturally selfish to an extent...everything is about them at that age. If they’ve stayed with you, when you FaceTime, walk around the house and show them the rooms again...and anything interesting...my gd likes to see the plants I grow and the flowers that are coming. Sometimes, I play a simple game with her on FaceTime too....or I show her the food I’ve cooked. She then wants to do the same back, next time. Or maybe you could read to them..They’re unlikely just to sit and have a grownup conversation with you. It’s all about capturing their interest. It would be costly but maybe send them a magazine or something light in the post....or do some online shopping for them. It all sounds one sided I know, but I think we have to work at it, to keep these relationships going, especially now. Good luck.

I live at a distance from my one GC and appreciate how very hard it can be - and even more so in more ordinary times as the other grandparents are geographically much closer.

I know communication methods change - but I don't see why, if you have a good relationship with the parents, you can't ask nicely for what you want. How do they know how you feel if you don't tell them? You don't have to make them feel bad, just tell them what would make you feel good!

My daughter is a primary school teacher. If my GC has done particularly well in her school work (and yes, she has been in lockdown, too) I send - only occasionally - her some extra pocket money (NOT large amounts) with a handwritten letter and sometimes a story (the sort of thing I like to do and that she would hopefully enjoy reading). My daughter uses this as an opportunity to get GC to do a thank you note (which encourages her to do more writing) and a picture she has coloured in (the sort of thing she especially likes to do). We also have Zoom family meetings now which has made things a lot less painful - is that possible for you? Another thing that has been really successful is sending each other e-cards (with movement and music! - we use Jacquie Lawson) from time to time - which is not expensive at all. You could ask the parents to sort this. The great thing about these is you can arrange for them ahead of time to be sent on the right day, so you/the people you love will never be forgotten, and you can respond with a thank you yourself and a message to them immediately.

It's difficult when your children/grandchildren live overseas but I was surprised when you said that you can cope with only see them every 3 weeks, however not receiving hand made cards seems to be more of an issue. I know how you feel with regards to your grandchildren living far, far away - it's heartbreaking and not nice but it would bother me more not to see them more frequently (on Facetime) . You also said that your children lead busy lives so they probably don't have the time on their hands that perhaps you did.Can you take the lead and call them m ore frequently - do they have their own mobile phones?

I’ve made handmade cards all my life even when I had babies and toddlers and it’s always been something people appreciate in fact any bought cards at Christmas normally go straight into the recycling ?
I can’t see why the grandchildren cannot paint or craft something and the send via email or WhatsApp? Personally if they were my children I’d expect this to be done for grandparents without moans! It sounds as if the family are not being very caring or considerate I speak to my daughter and baby every day on FaceTime at the same time and if we miss a day it is very unusual. My 11 month old grandson recognises my voice and face and I got his first ever wave on FaceTime ❤️You should talk to your family about your feelings rather than try to deny how hurt you are feeling.

Are they on watsap?
Since being stranded I have been reading one chapter of a book chosen by them and then mum plays it to the girls as their bedtime story. Seems to work for us? I can see if they've picked up today s chapter on my phone before I embark on the next.
Just an idea.

Thanks to everyone for their thoughtful and encouraging comments. Plenty to think about and work on for us, I think more effort from this end is required!

Why not try sending home made cards and messages to them? Then say you’d love to receive a card/letter from them.
Keep sending things to them even if they don’t reply immediately. Maybe they’ll realise how lovely it is to receive communication through the post and start doing the same for you ?

My son married an Australian he met when she came over here to work. Her parents bought the house next door to them in Adelaide just in case she ever wanted to go home! Obviously this is what happened although they didn’t have jobs and it took my son eleven months to find a job. They have 2 children there and my story is very similar to the original thread. I ‘ve asked for a photo a week, Skype etc to no avail. We don’t get cards so I’m finding this thread useful. When I feel sad about it I remember the joy on my son’s face on his wedding day. I think that everything is much harder now as we all have no idea when we will see our overseas children again. Recently I have been much more honest with my son about my feelings which was a big thing for me but he has stepped up the communications. Previously I always made the excuse of the time difference and his busy life because I didn’t want to appear needy, something , I’m sure others will identify with.

I don’t want to rain on your parade but it may get more distant as they reach teen years I have two grandkids in NZ Both born there I only get to see them about every four or five years
(Way too expensive for them and me) All through primary years I d get hand made pictures, reports, photos etc But now they are grown I don’t get a lot of contact, Photos are taken by me off fb I m a million miles away and I accept that they have their lives Work friends partners and their other Nan and pops over there with them I do feel sad sometimes but there’s no point dwelling on it Life is what it is They still get the same birthday and Christmas treatment as all my others

Just a word about cards I ve had to learn the hard way that the younger generation do not set store by cards at all When I went out for a meal with my 17 year old for her birthday just before lockdown I said did you plenty of cards the answer oh just a few but I got 250 happy birthdays on Instagram

I agree BlueBelle it is likely to get difficult as they get older. Our grandchildren who are a distance away and those we can't see at the moment are much missed. Two are similar ages to yours. They do get bored on video calls and it is chaotic. I try and send them each a personal letter occasionally sometimes with a few photos of their parent (our daughter or son with their brother and sisters) when they were children doing the sort of things the grandchildren are doing now. Sometimes I text their parents and ask if there are any books or small games they might like us to send as little presents. These provide talking points if not thank you letters. I assume they text you photos and videos and occasional drawings as these help. Do a voice text now and again too. Good luck.

I left home when I was 18 years and started my family when I was 23. My father wrote to my children every week from abroad, sent little parcels for the monthly birthdate and 6 monthly date something a little more special and of course birthday and Xmas presents. It must have cost my parents a fortune from Scandinavia, but we saw them every 6 months for 2 weeks too all the years they were alive. Turn it around you do the giving and the children will hopefully follow suit as we did. Keep sending postcards, greeting cards and even presents to keep the bond going. Cards are more and less obsolete in many countries now as the postage is so expensive and the post unreliable, but thankfully ours is still reasonably managable
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I feel your pain about the current situation - my DD lives in Australia and it is the thought that we cannot visit, and don't know when we shall be able to. Luckily we were there for a month at the beginning of the year, but we would now be planning another visit and they had intended to come here for Christmas....all on hold, and in the meantime they are growing up so fast! We Skype, Zoom, Whats App and use Caribu with the 6 year old. We also share pictures of things we bake, sometimes all branches of the family bake the same recipe and compare results! We have always made photobooks of their holidays here, and these have been some of their favourite bedtime 'reading'. We also use Book Depository (free international postage) to send them books, sometimes we get the same books ourselves so we can read bedtime stories to them. The twins are nearly 3 so hopefully we can start reading to them soon. I have to say my daughter is an excellent communicator, she sends pictures and copies of school reports etc on Whats App, it is rare for more than 48 hours to pass without hearing news from them by one means or another. So we do know them pretty well.....but just want to be able to hop on a plane and be with them again very soon!! And all you other grandparents - hope you can hug your grandkids very soon!

I have every sympathy with lots of the issues raised here and I can empathise as my son moved to Sydney 17 years ago! It totally broke our hearts and we have never truly wanted to accept it but what can you do?! We now have a wonderful daughter- in -law and 2 amazing grandchildren there too! We do have a very close relationship with them as we have always used first Skype and now FaceTime to keep in touch so that we would never be strangers ?It’s not easy but I just couldn’t bear to lose touch with them! My husband hates it and gets upset when he sees them on screen bless him. We have a daughter (15mins away ) with 3 gorgeous little ones and we have been heavily involved with them all since day1 so it’s very hard at the moment as we are doing FT with them as well as they are too young to totally understand how to socially distance and we can’t bear to have to say no to cuddles ? Our youngest son is about an hour away with his lovely girlfriend so we haven’t been able to see them during lockdown and the Aussie gang were due to come over at the end of June but we now have no idea when we will see them now ?
I also like to receive hand written cards but very rarely do! All 3 of our children laugh at us for liking cards as they don’t bother really. Our daughter is good at getting her little ones to write cards and we get lots of pictures too though!
I guess that the world has changed since we were young and I have realised it’s better to just be grateful for what we have got and let everything else go ?Hope this helps! Take care and keep safe x

Hi
There is another thread called long distance grandparenting. Have just posted in that but dont think.possible to copy onto.here. perhaps we can all use that one?