Babysitting granddaughter - what's wrong with me?

I would smile and be enthusiastic with son and DIL and tell them “how very much you are looking forward to being able to do exactly that, and won’t it be lovely that you will be able to help when you can retire”....
(I.e. all in good time, but not yet!)

It also tells them that the decision is currently out of your hands.

Speaking from experience after my MIL tried to “shame me” in front of my own mum, by bitterly complaining that “I never go and stay with her (despite her having “extended” holidays with us)

Never been so happy with my Mum, when she replied to MIL “but when would S/Swimmer come?”.......(as I was in HM Forces at the time)

I don't really know FarNorth. Media? See how selfish grannies are (except most of us aren't and disagreed with her)? Mumsnet member looking for ammunition?

I don't get posting and running myself. But... she's obviously not genuine.

What is a 'fishing' message, Gagajo?
Just one post then we all reply while the OP has disappeared?
What's the point?

I suspect this is a 'fishing' message. It's her only post on here and she's not returned to the thread.

Quote fromBabyshark
"If they meant something to you, you would make the effort for them".

I totally agree. And for me, and I suspect many other people, that applies not just to helping my family, but my friends too.

It's your life to live as suits you but others have a right to have feelings about it.

There is room for everyone's feelings without anyone being right or wrong to allow it.

My mum (we are estranged now but not the point) was not maternal and didn't spend any time alone with her grandchildren. That was fine and I guess right for her but it did make me sad she didn't and it made them sad when their friends talked of wonderful adventures with grandparents.

Maybe it would be worth putting some time into biding now, maybe you can get them into zumba one day, or find a version on YouTube for toddlers you could do together now.

Just suggestions though. Absolutely your life to live.

My thoughts exactly welbeck. No one should be made to feel guilty for wanting some time to do what they choose. If anyone is overloaded mentally or physically something will give eventually. Who is going to look after grandma when SHE needs help? Will she be made to feel even more guilty because she cant cope with everything?

I don't know what the answer is for you but if you want to have some input but find looking after the children a strain, why don't you and your husband look after her one session a week. You can pass on the zumba once surely!
I do yoga on zoom and it's fine.
I think you have to compromise and be flexible or you risk a rift.

why is the woman expected to be the work-horse.

Hi, I understand how little time you have for yourself...but something I hesitantly ask you to do is think about how life moves on so quickly.

Our grandchildren are young for such a short time and will be doing their own thing soon enough.

My grandchildren are 11, 18, 18 and 21.

I long for the days when I could cuddle and play silly games with them.

Try to find just a little bit of time for them.

When I was pregnant and had a 2 year old those couple hours a week my parents picked my little one up saved me. Of course neither my parents or my OH’s parents had to put themselves out but they loved me and my daughter and wanted to help.

Just like when my dad is having a nightmare with technology and I nip round or my mil is feeling low and we take her a bunch of flowers and have a cuppa.

No one HAS to do helpful things for people they love but when people you care about are in need of what amounts to a very small amount of your time you do it.

I suppose from their point of view it could signify how little they mean to you. If they meant something to you, you would make the effort for them.

Why is it always women who have to help? Here we have a woman who is working full time, dealing with an elderly parent and wants some time to herself; her husband , who is retired isn't apparently offering to step in and do more.
Maybe the Zumba is important as it helps to relieve stress?
What does the husband do all day if he is retired? Does he do all of the housework? Does he cook the evening meal? If he doesn't then he should step up the plate ( as they say in the USA) .

I did not mean it to sound harsh but you can choose to spend less than FOUR time’s a week doing Zumba and use at least one of those days to help your family. I still say it’s down to priorities Im afraid

I understand what you’re saying. You feel you’ve done your time, and now it’s their turn. I had four children, and we have six grandchildren with one on the way. I have helped a lot, but am mindful that these are precious years for the parents, and have always encouraged them to make the most of them. I was very fortunate.....never had to work, and saw that as a luxury. Apart from a few years when one DIL had to work part time, and I had my granddaughter three days a week, none of the others have had to work. Like you...I enjoy my exercise, but I don’t work, so have spare time if I’m needed, which is fairly often. I love it, but don’t hanker for it, and once those swimming pools are open....I’ll be back in! You shouldn’t have to choose one to the detriment of the other. You may end up regretting time lost with your grandchildren, but for me, that regret would be for my children. It may be there are many grandparents who don’t want to miss out on their grandchildren, because they missed their children, due to having to work. Only you can decide what your priorities are. You shouldn’t feel pushed into anything. A little bit of everything is the ideal I suppose. Good luck with your decision making.

Bit harsh TwiceasNice the OP has a lot on her plate already whereas her husband appears not to help much at all. I think she has a right to enjoy her relaxation. It must be possible to compromise.

don’t come complaining on here when your daughter and grandchild don’t want to spend time with you

I dont think that choosing not to look after her regularly means the above. Presumably you will still see her , do things with her, just not in the way you have been asked that you maybe dont want to do

It’s what your priorities are. Personally I think 4 Zumba classes or time with my grandchild I’ll never get back? I know what I would choose . Say no by all means but don’t come complaining on here when your daughter and grandchild don’t want to spend time with you

I'd have been rather shocked if either of my two children had expected me to do anything at all when they had their children!

I think we're all different. I love all my grandchildren. I probably see the girls once a month and the boys pop in with their Mum, ( my daughter) once a fortnight .

I've never really provided childcare but I would always help out if need be

My parents rarely looked after mine. And they never looked after them for any length of time

I used to think they were my children and I'd be taking responsibility for them

Of course if you want loads of contact that's perfectly fine.

Just pointing out that not everyone is the same

I think you and your husband (especially your retired husband) need to be honest with yourselves and admit that, for whatever reason, you don’t really want your two year old grandchild at your home. If you did, you would have child-proofed at least one room and would have been willing to watch the toddler at all times, because that’s what has to be done with toddlers ...... you find time to visit a couple of times a week but neither of you can find just two hours a week in your schedule to have one to one time with your grandchild, which is the best way to really get to know them well. Most grandparents would jump at the chance and two hours is no time at all to ask. I can understand that your son and DIL are a little resentful, esp in these very stressful Covid times for young families. Did your husband help much when your children were little? As he’s retired and you don’t say he’s unwell or anything, surely he could help out your DIL who is pregnant and still working and would really appreciate being able to have an occasional break, esp. if they’ve had a broken night or whatever. You say you adore your grandchild to death so surely it’s in her best interests to have a less tired mother and happy family relationships, something being put in jeopardy by you and your husband’s failure to help them; your DIL is clearly in need of some respite.
I think you’ll regret this in years to come - they might even move if possible to be nearer to her family ......

No wonder you are exhausted, working full time in your 60s and looking after your father. Is there any reason why your husband can't go to their house and help out a bit, as one of the previous posters suggested? But only if he wants to.

It's better to be upfront now about what you can and can't do, rather than agreeing to something which you subsequently have to give up and let them down if they are relying on you, or taking it on and feeling tired and resentful.

Could you help them with nursery costs, if that is an issue?

I was going to say the same as eazybee.
Also, if your son wants to ask you to do something he should speak to you not to your husband.

Did you have to work when your children were very small?
I think you could miss one Zumba class a week, and I think your husband should certainly offer some time out of his day.

I would guess that you don't live in the UK by the fact that you are still able to go to Zumba!
There are many of us that would currently love the chance to go to a Zumba class (or anything in a group setting, come to that!) as well as spend time with grandchildren - some haven't seen them for months!
So what if you have to stop what you are doing for a couple of hours a week ? Seriously, spending time with a grandchild is one of the best things that you can ever do. She won't be into everything for long and if there is both you and your DH to take care of her, it won't be so difficult.
I always think that it is sad when grandparents always say "well I did'nt do that/have that help " - my own mother lost her mother in her late teens and had no help from her MiL even though we lived next door to her , so when GC came along she went out of her way to have them stay at week ends etc and she got so much joy from doing it!
I really would not want your GC, in later years to be saying that she wished she had spent more time with you. Time spent with others cannot be replaced once it has passed.

I give all of my free time to my grandson. He is 2 and is a REAL handful. But as a result, I have a wonderful relationship with him. I'm still in full-time work so I am tired a lot of the time but I take the view that he will be little for such a short space of time.

If you don't form a close bond with your grandchildren now, don't be surprised when you have no real place in your children/grandchildren's lives when you're older and DO want some of their time and attention.

Yes, it's your life. But they're only hoping for a couple of hours a week and you and your husband could share it so you're not doing it all. You could toddler proof one room in your home. Again, even the new baby will be off and gone to school in 5 years. It's a tiny window of time we're talking about.

It sounds as if really you just don't want to though.

There is a very good reason why nature arranged for childbearing years to be when women are young. As we get older we simply don’t have the energy to keep up with the demands of young children.

Besides which, we’ve served our time - for most of our generation with little or no input from our parents. I honestly do not understand why today’s young parents expect so much support, nor why we as grandparents have to tippy toe around them for fear they will take offence and stop us seeing our grandchildren. Are we not allowed at last to make our own life choices, now that our children are grown?

Tell them nicely but firmly babs75 that you simply cannot fit childcare into your already busy life.