Daughter inlaw hijacking forum for some advise please don’t be too harsh on me ?

Congratulations Thistlelass, you have shown such courage to speak out. Hope you see your GD before too long.

Did I say they were not justified? No I did not. The only point I was attempting to make is people DO recover from the illness and move on with their lives. In those circumstances I think the balanced view is to review the situation. If you actually read what I said it is that I am 5 years into abstinence. In my own case I am well adapted to the fact I will not see my first grandchild until she is grown up. And I can deal with that quite calmly.
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Thistlelass

If you are an active alcoholic, you aren't safe around children. Period. I'm sorry. If you were actively drinking when the CO occurred, I'd say they were justified in going NC.

Well as a Nana and recovered alcoholic I think I can speak on this one. My drinking days were not when my children were small. I would never touch it and I was frightened of it. But life got harder. I divorced- not alcohol related. I just did not love him. The drinking started at that point and gradually came the realisation I could not stop. I wont go into discussing the pathway to my recovery as it is not really necessary. I stopped drinking 5 years ago aged 58 years. It was horrible to live at the level to which I had sunk. My eldest grandchild will be 8 soon and I have not seen her since she was 1. I see and participate in family life with my other 4 grandchildren. I very much want to be allowed to see the eldest but it is not happening and I have to live with it. I think I am quite a good, kind woman. I also sincerely believe I have much to offer to my grandchildren. The only advice/opinion I want to give is that I think your in-laws are at best very heavy drinkers at worst alcoholics like myself. Whichever is for them to figure out. In the meantime they should not have the children in their sole care etc. Perhaps they will be able to address the issue. If they do you need to reassess the situation with regards access. It is said in AA quarters that it can take many years for someone's brain to recover after they stop alcohol intake. My personal experience agrees with this. One needs to learn how to cope with life after alcohol. It can be done. So please do not do what my son and his partner have done which is cut me out completely for all time ( so it seems) x

Echoing those advising to speak with al-anon.
Addicts are selfish - they are the sun and everything should rotate around them. It’s part of their illness.
That does not mean you should enable their behaviour. Please seek some help to understand this, an addict will not change unless they want to no matter how much you try to help them.

I agree you have a dh problem

Your dh needs to attend meetings to support alcoholics and their families.
He is enabling them instead of protecting The children.

I would drag him to a good marital therapist to get his priorities straight: his kids and you come first, not his parents

How do your children feel? I would imagine they are feeling very uncomfortable, mixed up and protective of you and their father. Have you talked to them about what they want and how to deal with the situation?

You and your husband need to sit down together, decide what the boundaries need to be, written down would be best so no forgetting, then you stick to them.

No matter how bad it gets, you stick to them.

You sound very kind and like you can stay calm so whenever she tries to cross a boundary you leave, you out the phone down etc.

Her behaviour will either impact your children or impact you which will impact your children.

You are their parent, you get to set the rules. I really wouldn't leave your children alone with her... Ever

Everyone has given good advice. Can I just add that I think you may be right when you said that she hasn't done with motherhood. Can you buy her a puppy? Or a kitten? Maybe even two! Fluffy ones!

You are legally responsible for your own children. Don't leave them alone with known drunkards whoever they are.

Are you afraid of your husband?

If they're drinking that much, they really shouldn't be around your DC. Period.

You and DH might look into attending Al-Anon. This is a program for people who are affected by the drinking of someone else.

Take the kids away as soon as she says or does something you do not like ( within reason ) . Just tell her it is not on to be rude to you or undermine you . Pack up and go .

Excellent advice from Madgran.

Your main problem here is that you husband appears from what you have said to be prioritising his mother and her feelings before you and his children, including their safety. It seems as if he is so caught up in what sounds like coercive and manipulative behaviour from his mother, that he is unable to respond rationally to her behaviours.

Focus on this with your husband, be clear about the dangers for the children, be clear about why things cant go on as they are ,,,you two have to sort out a way forward together for all of your sakes.

The behaviours you describe are not normal grandparent behaviours, are not well meaning, are very far from loving!

We actually did move ?200 miles away. And she still doesn’t stop. It’s just insane. It got worse when moved. I’ve been accused of taking her babies away. I really wish my husband would get on my side xx

Oh dear Lucylou you do seem to be in a stressful situation regarding your in laws.
I think you need to pick your battles and get your husband to support you. Decide which things really need to change and have a strategy to deal with this working together with your husband. Good luck .

Welbeck gave some good advice. You and your husband need to keep control. Your children, your rules no augment on that. Just meet say once a week or so, outside the home and with you there. Any nonsense or words you just say I am going and leave. Stand firm for your sake and your children

Hi Lucylou, read it all now. I had awful in laws, no drinking, but controlling and manipulative. My female cousin once gave me advice as a young mum. She was ten years older than me, and also had a difficult MIL. She said “ whatever you do, don’t let your husband take the children to see his parents on their own, without you. If she has her son, and grandchildren, she’ll never need to sort anything out with you” I took that advice. My husband found dealing with his mother difficult, but I left him to it....and they didn’t see the grandchildren for pockets of time on and off, for 25 years. In the end, 20 years ago, when we were 40, we shut the door on them forever. Never looked back, best thing we ever did. The children were affected, and still remember things today, all in their thirties. They chose never to visit them, even though we encouraged it when they were adults. You have the added problem of alcohol. They are alcoholics. It doesn’t matter if they don’t drink around the children now, there’s probably enough damage done to their brains to render them incapable of even looking after themselves, let alone your precious children. Don’t do it. They’ll never change. It will only get worse. Maybe see them in public places, but leave it at that. I wish you all the very best.

The OP has said that her in-laws do not drink around the children!

Lucylou, I think you should pick your battles, and stick to them. Decide which of their behaviours annoys you most, tell them that you will remove the children if they do whatever it is, and follow through.

If you say this in front of your husband, so much the better. He doesn't have to say it himself, but by not objecting he is tacitly agreeing with you - have a word with him first to be sure that he won't contradict you, though .

Some of the oddness can probably be tolerated - you sound like a reasonable person who is not looking for trouble - but (for me, anyway) being undermined would be a step too far.

Crying because your daughter is on the naughty step sounds like attention-seeking behaviour to me. Can your daughter see it happening from the step/corner? If so, you could calmly ask your MIL to move out of the way so that she is not setting a bad example to the little ones. If not, maybe just ignore it, and treat her like you would a toddler - pay absolutely no attention until she comes out of her strop and then smile and carry on as if nothing had happened.

Good luck. She does sound difficult, but it will probably get easier as your children get older, so hang on in there if you can .

Hi Lucylou, I do feel for you!

Having your husband with the children when visiting the grandparents is a step in the right direction, never go back on that unless you see real change.

It seems to me that you need to sort out things with your husband before tackling the in-law problem. He needs to support you, and “ what do you want me to say, that’s my mum” is just the most feeble thing to say. If you two can't present a united front, it's going to be an uphill battle for you for ever. As others have said, he needs to grow up, and put his wife and children first, not his mum and dad. If you can't make him see that, would it help to talk it through with a close friend, or even have some couple counselling?

And then the in-laws. You need to decide some ground rules, either by yourself, or ideally with your hubby, and then calmly inform the in-laws that this is what's going to happen if they want to have contact with the children. Easier said than done, I know. But you can't have them disrespecting and undermining you.

You could cut them some slack with things like buying too many toys - which you already do, of course. Maybe the toys could stay at the grandparents, and only a few favourite toys can be brought home?

Most of all, get support. Husband, close friends, counsellor, whatever it takes. Do not put up with this situation any longer.
Good luck with all this. Sending you a big hug!

asking your daughter to sleep in bed with her, is creepy.
i presume the children no longer stay overnight there.
i would limit meetings to outings/walks on neutral ground where you and husband and children are present and PIL can join you.
at the first sign of rude comments or intrusive behaviour, simply leave.
that'll teach em !

don't give her any more opportunity to undermine you or try to come between your authority and relationship with your daughter.
don't discuss, analyse, compromise.
just act. keep a steady line.

I’m so sorry Lucylou, I only got to the drinking part, and then I stopped. They shouldn’t be left anywhere near your children. Don’t care about hurting feelings or anything else. Your children come ABSOLUTELY first.....nothing else matters. They are a disgrace!?

Both my parents died. (Separate occasions) but I was bought up by my Nan. She is now in her late 80s. She’s way too old to burden her with issues

Hello Lucylou0913 you have been very clear about what you want and now it is time for you and your Husband to sit down with his Parents and tell them as eloquently as you have put it here. Tell them you want healthy boundaries, that she is not entitled, that even if she does not like you, you deserve not only to be listened to but treated with respect and if you say no to something you should be listened to. I cannot give you any more advice than you have given yourself, you just need to get it over to them in as calm and a controlled way as possible. I wish you well.

Thankyou Thankyou Thankyou. I’m actually crying reading these posts. I feel so helpless. Just to add I don’t let her drink around my children. She did it behind my back last year. I made her attend an alcohol Center if she wanted to see the girls again. She went for 6 months. It made no difference. They think they are doing nothing wrong. They are not allowed to drink around the kids anymore. It crept up like a couple glasses of wine no big deal then it got to the point where I lost my .... I didn’t know they were drunk untill my daughter told me and it’s happened more than once. And now I don’t let them babysit anymore. As I say my humand is there now because of the drinking