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Daughter inlaw hijacking forum for some advise please don’t be too harsh on me 🙄

(60 Posts)
Lucylou0913 Tue 18-Aug-20 17:04:46

So I’m really looking for some genuine advise I Am at a complete loss of what to do.

So my mother inlaw has always been wayyyy too much. She has no vision of boundaries what so ever and just runs away with whatever she wants to do with my children. It’s not always been “harmful” so I’ve let some of it go. Normal stuff of over feeding the kids junk spoiling them with the entire content of a shop bluh bluh bluh. To be honest I don’t really get my knickers in a twist about that kind of stuff. It’s annoying having my home overloaded with a million toys etc but I do understand it’s her time with the kids and that’s the best part of being a nan right. Get to get super nan and hand the parents the rubbish. That’s ok. I can deal with all of that.
But it does start to turn sinister and manipulative. She has issues. For one she has an alcohol problem. I wouldn’t consider her an alcoholic but there’s 100% an alcohol problem there. Both my mil and fil drink 6 nights a week and they don’t just have a drink. They get wasted. I think it’s through choice and not that they can’t stop but they just don’t want to stop. That’s an issue in its self that the entire family find a problem. Last year they got drunk with the kids. It was a whole thing they couldn’t get in the house because she was too drunk to get the keys out of her pocket.
She really does undermine me. I think she isn’t done with moherhood to be honest. She has always had this great attachment to my eldest daughter (the first grandchild) from the outside it probably looks like the favourite. But from the inside it’s more sinister than that. We have had our fair share of run ins over this. She over mothers getting involved where it wasn’t her place to. Majorly. Not just a little but I mean to the point She over takes my parenting role too much.

The thing is she’s my mother inlaw. I don’t want to dislike her but I can’t help it because her behaviour is crazy at times. She has cried at the dinner table for me putting my daughter into the naughty corner she has chased me down the road as I’ve left to go home pleading with me to leave my daughter with her. She’s pulled my daughter off me as I was tying to put her to bed. I won’t bore you with example after example but this list goes on and on of inappropriate behaviour from her.

The thing is I’m not a nan. And this is why I’m here. I’m desperate to try to understand her. We haven’t spoken for 2 years properly now. It causes problems between myself and my husband. I take it that it causes problems for him and his mum. I’ve tried talking to her. She is the one who is cut off from me. It’s like she ignores problems like they don’t exist because she’s embarrassed about it. The drinking she literally pretends like it doesn’t happen. I don’t let her have the kids on her own now because of it. I can’t trust her to be sober with my children so my husband stays over there for visits with them. When I politely have tried to deal with the issues she huffs at me and makes the whole thing hostile and uncomfortable. We don’t actually know each other very well even though I have been married to my husband for 12 years now. I have opened up to her a few times about my personal life. Things she wouldn’t just get from a conversation or face value in order to have a more in depth relationship with her. My mum died when I was young so to be honest I would absolutely love to have a mother inlaw to do the things with the children that I was never able to do with my own mum. I would love to have someone to share it with. But she takes the kids off to town or where ever and it’s clear I’m not invited. And When I have tried to arrange things which I have done a lot it’s always me that’s put the effort in.
To be totally frank I’m not that bothered about not having a relationship with her as such. I mean it’s sad but it’s not really personal to me. She’s not my mum so it’s not a direct effect on me as such. But it is an issue in my family home with the kids and my husband.
I just wish she would have some respect for me. Which believe me is zero. She often would make smart rude remarks. I’m sat In her house and she would make rude comments. I would say something back if it was anyone else but I kept quiet because it’s my husbands mum. But I didn’t deserve it.
I’ve tried to talk to my husband so many times about. He does agree with what I’m saying And he can see it. But his exact words are “ what do you want me to say, that’s my mum” most the time he just ignores anything I ever say so it’s just become that I do not see his family anymore. It’s completely broken down. If they come to our home I go to see my family/friends. If they visit they go without me and it’s been that way for 2 years now.

It’s almost like I just want to jump inside of her head and understand it. Which is why I’m here. Please be kind. I’m not looking for hostile opinions I want to try figure this out but I don’t know how.
I want Healthy boundaries Kept in place without her just steam rolling over me and taking it to unhealthy levels without being disrespected or rude towards me. I want her to understand she’s not “entitled” all of the time. I want her to understand that even if she doesn’t like me that I deserve to be listened to. If I say no to something then to listen to me. And it’s not about not giving my children too much cake. It’s more serious than that. I’m saying no to things I find manipulative. Like using my husbands dads minor illness to move back towards her. Or asking my daughter to sleep in bed with her when I said no to that (she’s 9 not a toddler)
She has issues but she’s not actually awful. There’s parts of her that get on my nerves but there’s parts of her I admire too. Again I have told her that but it went ignored. Her drinking is an issue but I’ve put my foot down and told them they can’t drink around my children and that stopped when We had the insident. I can’t stop them drinking but I don’t get drunk infront of my children I’m not allowing others to do that.
Just come constructive advice please. I don’t know how to move forward

quizqueen Tue 18-Aug-20 17:17:21

If someone tried to snatch my child out of my arms, I would be tempted to punch them on the nose-mother in law or no mother in law. Sorry, but she will never alter her behaviour until your husband stands up to her and stands side by side with you, and makes her change because she won't ever listen to you. She doesn't have to now because there are really no consequences. It 's the usual husband problem rather than a mother in law problem.

Lucylou0913 Tue 18-Aug-20 17:25:17

Thankyouuuu! It’s been driving me insane like is it me with this issue because I don’t ever get any support from it. But it’s not and I know it’s not. I just don’t know how to move forward with it xx

Grannynannywanny Tue 18-Aug-20 17:25:23

My advice would be don’t leave your children in the care of 2 drunken grandparents who aren’t capable of being responsible adults.

Jaxjacky Tue 18-Aug-20 17:29:42

Sorry, but your husband needs to grow a pair, you cannot, ever, put your children at risk, physically or mentally.

I realise that’s not particularly helpful, but it’s made me quite cross!

Doodle Tue 18-Aug-20 17:38:43

What your in-laws drink when they are on their own is nothing to do with you. But when your children are around it is. I like wine with my dinner but whenever we have had our DGC with us we don’t drink so we can drive if necessary.
To be honest I might cry if my DGC were on the norty step AND upset.
I give my DGC sweets and cake when they are with me ( not once a week but when they visit)
I love my DILs. and wouldn’t go against their wishes but they are kind enough to let me indulge my DGC a little because I love them. I may add that apart from the sweets and treats I also do craft With them. Sewing, painting, Lego building camps. There is a lot more to being a granny than spoiling G C in my opinion.

BlueBelle Tue 18-Aug-20 17:45:40

Sorry but I can’t even bother to read all about her I can’t get beyond that her and her husband use alcohol daily, my kids would not be going NEAR them, husband or no husband and I would expect a lot more coming from him Yes it’s his mum but those are his innocent kids and he sounds weak he needs to grow some bxxxs and keep his kids safe How dare his mother try to take your daughter out your arms and run after you down the street
You can’t move forward unless your husband backs you He is what’s holding it all up
I would move to the other side of the country personally

BlueBelle Tue 18-Aug-20 17:47:17

doddlebug to cry if your grandkids are put in the naughty step is totally ridiculous

B9exchange Tue 18-Aug-20 17:51:26

Goodness you poor soul, you are trying so hard to be understanding, and it is all one way. Of course you cannot let your parents in law have contact with the children when they are drunk. Yes, grandparents may spoil the children a bit with extra cake or something, we usually operate on 'my house, my rules' but we follow all the parents wishes when in their home.

You have done well writing it all down, and perhaps you could amend/shorten what you have written a little, limit it to the vital points, show it to your husband, and say this is what needs to be said, and you are going to send it to her.

Bringing up young children is stressful enough without the inlaws making it worse! You don't mention your own parents?

Cherrytree59 Tue 18-Aug-20 17:55:35

You and your husband have a father and mother in law problem.
You also have a DH problem!

We as a family had some major issues with my in laws, when our children were quite young.

We as parents showed a united front.
Dh spoke to his Parents.
He laid down the ground rules (boundaries as they are referred to nowadays)

Like your in laws OP, DH's parents loved their grandchildren and wanted to be part of their lives, so they chose to try and follow our rules.

Good luck shamrock

Lucylou0913 Tue 18-Aug-20 17:55:50

Thankyou Thankyou Thankyou. I’m actually crying reading these posts. I feel so helpless. Just to add I don’t let her drink around my children. She did it behind my back last year. I made her attend an alcohol Center if she wanted to see the girls again. She went for 6 months. It made no difference. They think they are doing nothing wrong. They are not allowed to drink around the kids anymore. It crept up like a couple glasses of wine no big deal then it got to the point where I lost my .... I didn’t know they were drunk untill my daughter told me and it’s happened more than once. And now I don’t let them babysit anymore. As I say my humand is there now because of the drinking

Judy54 Tue 18-Aug-20 17:57:32

Hello Lucylou0913 you have been very clear about what you want and now it is time for you and your Husband to sit down with his Parents and tell them as eloquently as you have put it here. Tell them you want healthy boundaries, that she is not entitled, that even if she does not like you, you deserve not only to be listened to but treated with respect and if you say no to something you should be listened to. I cannot give you any more advice than you have given yourself, you just need to get it over to them in as calm and a controlled way as possible. I wish you well.

Lucylou0913 Tue 18-Aug-20 17:57:35

Both my parents died. (Separate occasions) but I was bought up by my Nan. She is now in her late 80s. She’s way too old to burden her with issues

Toadinthehole Tue 18-Aug-20 18:01:20

I’m so sorry Lucylou, I only got to the drinking part, and then I stopped. They shouldn’t be left anywhere near your children. Don’t care about hurting feelings or anything else. Your children come ABSOLUTELY first.....nothing else matters. They are a disgrace!😡

welbeck Tue 18-Aug-20 18:23:42

asking your daughter to sleep in bed with her, is creepy.
i presume the children no longer stay overnight there.
i would limit meetings to outings/walks on neutral ground where you and husband and children are present and PIL can join you.
at the first sign of rude comments or intrusive behaviour, simply leave.
that'll teach em !

don't give her any more opportunity to undermine you or try to come between your authority and relationship with your daughter.
don't discuss, analyse, compromise.
just act. keep a steady line.

KaEllen Tue 18-Aug-20 18:24:45

Hi Lucylou, I do feel for you!

Having your husband with the children when visiting the grandparents is a step in the right direction, never go back on that unless you see real change.

It seems to me that you need to sort out things with your husband before tackling the in-law problem. He needs to support you, and “ what do you want me to say, that’s my mum” is just the most feeble thing to say. If you two can't present a united front, it's going to be an uphill battle for you for ever. As others have said, he needs to grow up, and put his wife and children first, not his mum and dad. If you can't make him see that, would it help to talk it through with a close friend, or even have some couple counselling?

And then the in-laws. You need to decide some ground rules, either by yourself, or ideally with your hubby, and then calmly inform the in-laws that this is what's going to happen if they want to have contact with the children. Easier said than done, I know. But you can't have them disrespecting and undermining you.

You could cut them some slack with things like buying too many toys - which you already do, of course. Maybe the toys could stay at the grandparents, and only a few favourite toys can be brought home?

Most of all, get support. Husband, close friends, counsellor, whatever it takes. Do not put up with this situation any longer.
Good luck with all this. Sending you a big hug!

Doodledog Tue 18-Aug-20 18:36:18

The OP has said that her in-laws do not drink around the children!

Lucylou, I think you should pick your battles, and stick to them. Decide which of their behaviours annoys you most, tell them that you will remove the children if they do whatever it is, and follow through.

If you say this in front of your husband, so much the better. He doesn't have to say it himself, but by not objecting he is tacitly agreeing with you - have a word with him first to be sure that he won't contradict you, though grin.

Some of the oddness can probably be tolerated - you sound like a reasonable person who is not looking for trouble - but (for me, anyway) being undermined would be a step too far.

Crying because your daughter is on the naughty step sounds like attention-seeking behaviour to me. Can your daughter see it happening from the step/corner? If so, you could calmly ask your MIL to move out of the way so that she is not setting a bad example to the little ones. If not, maybe just ignore it, and treat her like you would a toddler - pay absolutely no attention until she comes out of her strop and then smile and carry on as if nothing had happened.

Good luck. She does sound difficult, but it will probably get easier as your children get older, so hang on in there if you can smile.

Toadinthehole Tue 18-Aug-20 18:51:34

Hi Lucylou, read it all now. I had awful in laws, no drinking, but controlling and manipulative. My female cousin once gave me advice as a young mum. She was ten years older than me, and also had a difficult MIL. She said “ whatever you do, don’t let your husband take the children to see his parents on their own, without you. If she has her son, and grandchildren, she’ll never need to sort anything out with you” I took that advice. My husband found dealing with his mother difficult, but I left him to it....and they didn’t see the grandchildren for pockets of time on and off, for 25 years. In the end, 20 years ago, when we were 40, we shut the door on them forever. Never looked back, best thing we ever did. The children were affected, and still remember things today, all in their thirties. They chose never to visit them, even though we encouraged it when they were adults. You have the added problem of alcohol. They are alcoholics. It doesn’t matter if they don’t drink around the children now, there’s probably enough damage done to their brains to render them incapable of even looking after themselves, let alone your precious children. Don’t do it. They’ll never change. It will only get worse. Maybe see them in public places, but leave it at that. I wish you all the very best.

Barmeyoldbat Tue 18-Aug-20 18:51:43

Welbeck gave some good advice. You and your husband need to keep control. Your children, your rules no augment on that. Just meet say once a week or so, outside the home and with you there. Any nonsense or words you just say I am going and leave. Stand firm for your sake and your children

sodapop Tue 18-Aug-20 20:55:25

Oh dear Lucylou you do seem to be in a stressful situation regarding your in laws.
I think you need to pick your battles and get your husband to support you. Decide which things really need to change and have a strategy to deal with this working together with your husband. Good luck .

Lucylou0913 Tue 18-Aug-20 21:09:03

We actually did move 😂200 miles away. And she still doesn’t stop. It’s just insane. It got worse when moved. I’ve been accused of taking her babies away. I really wish my husband would get on my side xx

Madgran77 Tue 18-Aug-20 21:25:41

Your main problem here is that you husband appears from what you have said to be prioritising his mother and her feelings before you and his children, including their safety. It seems as if he is so caught up in what sounds like coercive and manipulative behaviour from his mother, that he is unable to respond rationally to her behaviours.

Focus on this with your husband, be clear about the dangers for the children, be clear about why things cant go on as they are ,,,you two have to sort out a way forward together for all of your sakes.

The behaviours you describe are not normal grandparent behaviours, are not well meaning, are very far from loving! flowers

Chewbacca Tue 18-Aug-20 21:29:20

Excellent advice from Madgran.

Floradora9 Wed 19-Aug-20 16:47:46

Take the kids away as soon as she says or does something you do not like ( within reason ) . Just tell her it is not on to be rude to you or undermine you . Pack up and go .

agnurse Wed 19-Aug-20 17:09:05

If they're drinking that much, they really shouldn't be around your DC. Period.

You and DH might look into attending Al-Anon. This is a program for people who are affected by the drinking of someone else.