Daughter inlaw hijacking forum for some advise please don’t be too harsh on me ?

In your shoes I would take steps to deal with the alcohol problem first. People who get wasted, as you put it, 6 nights a week are alcoholics, no matter how much they may dress it up with excuses. Drinking to that excess at night means they are still drunk in the morning and a breathalyser would prove that. Therefore, they shouldn't be within spitting distance of your children. I was married to a man who became an alcoholic towards the end of our marriage. Alcohol doesn't just affect the liver it causes huge chances in the brain affecting a person's character and he became an aggressive bully, somebody I didn't know. This is likely the reason why your in-laws behaviour seems bizarre. You won't have any easy ride sorting this out but sort it out you must. You are your children's voice in all this and they must come first. Good luck.

Listen here, love: No child should be in the company of adults who have been drinking!

You need to tell your parents-in-law, preferably with your husband endorsing the statement, that they are welcome when they are sober, but if they turn up having had a drink, even one, you will not let them into the house.

If you go to visit them, having been invited and they are drunk, you will turn right round and go home.

Doing this is hard. My niece did it with both her own mother and her mother-in-law, and her husband backed her up. Her mother finally stopped drinking, her mother-in-law never did, so never saw her grandsons.

Setting boundaries is easiest if your husband agrees with you, if not you have your work cut out to make him see sense.

Probably your in-laws can't stop drinking once they start, and no-one can entirely stop unless they want to. Alcoholism is hard to deal with, but you need to concentrate on your children and leave your adult in-laws to deal with their problem.

I think you will find codependency and enabling spread through the general population

I see your POV @Agnurse. I havent had experience of an alcoholic in my family, so my view was a bit warm and fuzzy because of my own Grandma experience.

I think its going to be hard for the whole family as it affects every single one of them. I read a book about codependency once, which is common in alcoholics and their families tend to be enablers. I hope OP finds help and support.

I am wondering, could Social Services help?

Lavazza1st

If she's an active addict, she's not safe around the children. Full stop. About 90% of alcoholics are functioning - they have jobs, lives, etc. Doesn't mean they are safe or healthy people. Frankly, until she has been in treatment and sober for several months, at least, I wouldn't be having the children around her PERIOD.

My GP used to give us sweets and chocolate against my Mums wishes ( we loved it! ) My mum used to get very annoyed and rant all the way home, but I can honestly say as a kid I loved it and her ranting about my Nan made me think badly of her. The chocolate didn't do us any harm, but the bad atmospheres were upsetting as her and my Mum used to argue about things.

Don't let them babysit or be on their own with the kids because of their drinking. The course she did has clearly not helped because she is doing what she wants to do and doesn't WANT to change. She doesnt see why she should change because she doesnt see anything wrong with it (unfortunately)

Whatever you think of MiL try not to criticise her in front of the kids as they may be bonded to her The drinking is a real concern. Your husband needs to learn healthy boundaries, but it's likely that he has never had any as his parents seem to be addicted to alcohol. The advice about AA is good. She needs to respect your ways, but also maybe compromise, relax a bit and let her treat the kids on a specific day? It's not "healthy" but they will remember treats and happy times when they are older.

Your MiL's erratic behaviour does sound as if it may be aggravated by alcohol. Because of that I think the advice upthread is something I would echo - if your DH can't stand up to MiL, she can manipulate him too, so I would never let my children visit without me there. Hard for you I know, but I think you need to show her that her GC have 2 parents who present a united front. And when your DH says 'what do you want me to do?', tell him! Give him a short, clear, written list if necessary and say something like 'I need you to do this because I"m your wife, you moved out of your mother's house years ago.' He may genuinely have no clue how to tackle the problem. Keep the rules simple - no drinking at any time when the children are visiting, no contradicting our rules, children have their own beds (if they really have to stay overnight, I'd be wary about letting them do that). Actually one of my AC wrote their rules down for me when DGC was pushing boundaries so we could present a united front - if you present it like that it might work for your MiL. If it doesn't, tell her that you will all have to leave if she can't support you, and do it.

they are obviously trying to buy popularity. sadly.

I feel very sorry for the OP and hope that she manages to resolve this problem. My post is addressed to the rest of you.

Something I don't understand is why so many of you want to treat your GC to sweets and cakes and buy them lots of toys. Why do you do this? You know (or should know) that sweets and cakes are not good for children (or adults).

As GPs the one thing you have to give is time. Time for all sorts of activities or time just to be quiet. Time is something that parents often don't have.

having just read the OP again, it seems crystal clear to me, that if i were you i would not be allowing any contact between your children and GPs, except possibly limited visits in your house, in your presence.
you need to really shut down this woman's baneful influence. it is not healthy. go LC at least. good luck.

What is it about some Hs unable to deal with mother issues? My concern in all of this is the bed sharing incident which would immediately set alarm bells ringing. No way should your children spend time with this woman.

ditto

Thistleass well done for all you have achieved. Glad that you are able to enjoy your other ACs and grandchildren and I do hope that eventually you will be able to build a positive relationship with your son and grandchild that you have not seen for so long.

What are the rules for grandparents. Do you see your grandchildren like normal now. Please tell me how you are all seeing your grandchildren. Whether indoors or outdoors. My dil says I can only see on a walk

I'm sure I've read about the alcohol loving grandparents before - and the (over) use of the term 'boundaries'.

Still, in case I'm mistaken, the fact is that you can't simply change another person (like MIL) into your ideal version. You have to accept of reject them(warts and all) as they are.

If you don't see them, their son can arrange the visits - and there is no problem.

Well I think I have demonstrated honesty sensitivity and courage stepping onto this thread agnurse

You most certainly have Thistle, please don't be made to feel that you have to be anything less than proud of how far you've come.

Well I think I have demonstrated honesty sensitivity and courage stepping onto this thread agnurse. Naturally, having gained sobriety at least partially through AA I fully understand about the dry drunk. I am happy too to advise this does not apply in my situation. It was the case that I called upon God to save me from the help in which I was imprisoned. I could take no more - I could not look after my physical needs adequately and was but skin and bone. I was drinking at times upwards of a bottle of vodka a day. I had to do this and by that point there was no choice. Then I said I cannot go on and I was fortunate enough to be 'granted' access to the only alcohol rehab bed in my region. I was in hospital for 3 weeks and not a drop has passed my lips since. I am a retired SW and Mental Health Officer, working for 23 years till it got too much. So no. There is nothing 'dry' about me. I held spiritual beliefs before addiction and that is still the case. I would not be here if I had not called out for help. I was at the end of the road. But now I have life again and there is no part of me that wishes to return to hell.

I was referring more to thistlelass's past. I can understand why her AC cut her off and I can understand them wanting to wait until she had some time established being sober before they allow their children around her.

Sadly, and I am not saying this is the case here, just making a point, some people become what's known as a "dry drunk". This means they're continuing to exhibit the behaviours they did when they were drinking - they just aren't drinking. It is possible her AC is concerned that that could become a possibility.

I want to say a little bit more on this in respect of your situation as a mum and DIL You say nothing of your husband's experiences being brought up by this couple. Does he talk about it or express an opinion? Other family members say anything about whether their Mum's behaviour has changed through the years etc? I appreciate you may not feel like looking at this. You are not keen to have a relationship with her? The reason I am bringing this up is because your mum in law may have an underlying mental health condition? She does sound as if she could have a personality disorder for example. This is a horrible term but there is hope for a better future if appropriate treatment and boundaries are agreed and adhered to. Identification would need to be through a mental health team. I am afraid a clear diagnosis cannot be established whilst your MIL continues to drink. Best wishes to you and your family.

If you are an active alcoholic, you aren't safe around children. Period. I'm sorry. If you were actively drinking when the CO occurred, I'd say they were justified in going NC

Bit of a silly post there agnurse; always best to read what's actually been said, rather than just jumping in with assumptions.

thistle, I admire the searing honesty and acceptance of responsibility in your post; you've done so much since to be very proud of.

agnurse

Thistlelass

If you are an active alcoholic, you aren't safe around children. Period. I'm sorry. If you were actively drinking when the CO occurred, I'd say they were justified in going NC.

I suggest you read Thistlelass’s post before jumping in with your rather cruel post. She deserves praise for her 5+ years of sobriety, rather than judgemental comments.

Lucylou - enough is enough and I think you need to take a stand if you can't trust them to be alone with your children as your DH isn't going to.

From what I read (have to admit I gave up halfway through) your in-laws appear to be using your children as some kind of crutch. But it's not helping them, is it, if they still have a drink problem.

It may also be best to have a face-to-face talk with them to challenge them about their behaviour. Ask them why they think it's OK to do the things you find unacceptable? For example, why ask your 9-year old to share a bed with their GP? See howMIL reacts because if she/they can't justify them you've exposed their attitudes as being the underlying issue.

One option would be to reduce contact gradually but that may just lead to more arguments over a longer period of time. Another is to go NC immediately, explaining their actions that you find unacceptable and are no longer able to put up with.

Don't allow yourself to feel guilty about any of this or to feel sorry for them either. They might need outside help and your children are not there to help them forget their issues.

Lucy, that all sounds incredibly difficult and I think that you have been exceptionally patient. I agree that she sounds a bit 'crazy', but understand that you are put in an awkward position and it is to your credit that you have persevered.

First, it's up to your PIL if and how much they drink, but I would definitely not leave the children in their sole charge and I would schedule any get togethers for during the day, when they are sober.

Second, and probably actually the main issue, is that she still feels threatened by you and, from what you say, you haven't got to know each other properly after so long or had a proper conversation, one on one. There are some positives in that she clearly loves her DGC and you admire her in certain respects. What do the children think of her? They are getting older now and will make up their own minds.

I admire you for being strong and not giving up, but you are right that things need to be different and you clearly cannot rely on your husband to sort things out. Would it be an option to take your MIL out for lunch or something, just the two of you, and trying to have a 'heart to heart', clear the air and try to move forward. As in everything, communication is key, and you sound as though you are mature enough to want to take this route, but are unsure about your MIL's position.

midgey

Congratulations Thistlelass, you have shown such courage to speak out. Hope you see your GD before too long.

Same from me too
I really hope the situation with your Gdaughter changes for the better soon.
Hang in there
BTW, my heart was in my mouth when I read your post, as some posters have a habit of jumping in with opinions without taking care to read the post thoroughly, and I hoped you wouldn't get bruised by them!

agnurse nothing wrong with your comments, except they are misplaced and look like you havent taken the time to read thistlespost.

LucyLou0913

It would be very interesting to know ho your 9 year old feels about all this - I am sure she is old enough to have an opinion?

I had MIL issues when married - she never liked me from the moment she met me a I was never good enough for her only child - I tried very hard to sort it out but she would do things like come and stay and do just HIS ironing, my FIL actually asked to see my engagement ring when we were hidden behind the shed so she couldn't see! She couldn't have worn a colour any nearer to black when we married and when I had my 2 children she favoured one quite obviously - my husband actually told her and stood by me on that one which was good. I really think that he needs to grow a pair and unite with you on this one!

One day after we had been together many years, she said to me "oh Rachel, are we ever going to be friends?" to which I replied, " well I have tried over the years but at the bottom of it all is that you do like me" .... the reply was "oh, B* and I think you are very intelligent and highly efficient". QUITE, I left it at that! Lol ....

Get hubby on your side it is imperative! x