How can I acknowledge all my eldest grandson has achieved without making his younger brother feel left out?

Callistemon

I am left wondering just what the older boy has achieved?

Having a different personality?
That is nothing to do with achievement

"I'm the oldest child - I make the rules"
"I'm the middle child - I'm the reason there are rules"
"I'm the youngest child - the rules don't apply to me"

I too was wondering about the achievements of the older grandson.

At 12, he is too young to be sitting exams etc, so it does seem to be a difference in personality.

How can I praise the older boy, acknowledge what he has achieved and all the effort he continues to make but not make the younger boy feel left out?

By praising both boys?

I remember my MIL insisting on treating our children all the same, in the context of , give one of them a gift, give all of them a gift, all worth exactly the same. I said you can’t treat them all the same, because they’re not clones, they’re different people entirely. As long as they’re all treated fairly, when it’s applicable to them, and their turn, you shouldn’t worry imo. Reward the older boy now, and the younger one when it’s his turn. Otherwise I think there’s a danger of none of it being special, it’s what they expect.

GG65 is spot on.
When I write my grandchildren's birthday cards, I make a point of writing about a paragraph acknowledging all the amazing things they have achieved in that year and the qualities I love and admire most about them. As they get older, they love to see what I've written.

If I have any advice at all Mamma66 it would be to work at giving more attention to the 10 year old. That's where its needed.

I agree DiscoD. I reward my grandchildren (9 & 11) as and when it's deserved. Both of them understand it isn't a competition and don't expect to be treated identically.

Please dont treat them differently ,all your GC should be equal in your eyes.Being left out or told he's not good enough to get what his brother gets will stick with him ,maybe for life.Its really important to build his self esteem especially if hes going through a tricky tme ,dont destroy it

I don't know that the OP is talking about actual treats or rewards in the form of presents. I read it that she wants to let the older boy know that she is appreciative of his kindness (or whatever), but not make more of him than she does of the younger one.

If that is the case, I think that praise for specific good deeds is probably fair, regardless of who is on the receiving end. You might find that you are having to look a it harder for things to praise in the case of the little one, but as you say, that is likely to change as he gets older.

Even if he doesn't become more like his brother, that doesn't make him less loveable, though - not everyone is demonstrably 'easy' to get along with, but they can be just as sincere and 'good' as those who are.

mamma66, put yourself in the position of the younger boy who sees his older brother getting privileges or gifts which he's left out of. You say he's 'tricky'. Maybe being outshone by his brother makes him difficult!

Absolutely agree DiscoD we should be preparing our children and grandchildren for real life.

I like to think that I’m helping to prepare my dgs for a better world - not the s**tshow that it is at the moment. I want to play my part in making them feel loved and valued. Treating a little 10 year old differently ( in a negative way) is no way (imo) to help bring up caring, loving human beings.

You can't really reward the older boy and not acknowledge the other, you will end up creating ill feeling between the two boys and even in the family unit. You say that the 10 yr old has faced his own difficulties, during nt add to his problems by singling out his brother for reward.
Love them both for who they are, individual children finding their way in life.

Well unless Mamma comes back and tells us what she meant we will never know but how it was worded sounded very much as if she preferred the personality of the elder child and the younger one was a bit more of a nuisance So my answer is still the same Do not treat them any differently If one gets a great report (obviously not at the moment) or saves his friend from drowning ?you give the necessary praise but if it’s just a matter of one being more loving or more kind best to keep it simple just a ‘that’s a nice thing to say (or to do)’ is fine You just cant give presents or heaps of praise for personality traits

Maybe my GC are too young (10yo and under) but I’ve never considered buying something for one sibling and not the other. I’ve not always given them the same thing but I’ve always, I hope, been fair.

Surely there must be something about the younger child that’s worthy of acknowledgement? Then you could give each of them a treat.

Surely there must be something about the younger child that’s worthy of acknowledgement?

This made me feel sad.

Of course there is something about the younger child that is worthy of acknowledgement. It’s really sad that the OP can’t see that.

My father in law caused major difficulties in the family by obviously prefering one of my sons.

In the end we had to cease family visits until the preferred child was old enough to visit on his own.

Be careful OP. The parents will want to what is best for both their childten

GG65

*Surely there must be something about the younger child that’s worthy of acknowledgement?*

This made me feel sad.

Of course there is something about the younger child that is worthy of acknowledgement. It’s really sad that the OP can’t see that.

Yes, me too. The OP clearly has a favourite.

This thread has actually reminded me of someone I knew years ago, when our children were babies/ very young. Her dad made a ‘ snowman’, which came out every Christmas. There would be presents in it for the grandchildren, or so she thought. They weren’t the main presents, but just little extras for when they visited over the Christmas period. This girl had a sister she didn’t get on with, and therefore, never saw her children. However, they expected to find presents in the snowman for her sister’s children, because they were also grandchildren, and my friend’s children understood this. The problem came one year, when there were other presents in there, at the same time as her children’s. They were apparently for the neighbours children! This completely spoilt the entire experience for my friend’s children, as they just felt on parr with some kids up the road, no longer special. I don’t know what happened after that, as the family moved, and I didn’t see her again, 30 years now, but I still remember it. It was taking ‘ treating everyone the same’ to the extreme.

Ps I can’t see any evidence in the OP’s post, that she favours the older child.

I wasn’t actually talking about a gift. I am always scrupulously down the middle with all my lovely grandchildren and would like to say I don’t favour any of them, just that I appreciate their different qualities and personalities.

The oldest boy is on the autistic spectrum. We so worried for him when younger but has come on in leaps and bounds. He has actually remained in main stream education against the expectations.

Your responses have made me realise that I can praise him for all he has achieved- as much of his progress is down to him. What I need to do is make sure I find something to focus on and support for the younger one.

Hand on heart I love them all, equally but in different ways

Mamma66 you may want to do some research into how siblings of children on the autistic spectrum behave and the challenges and problems they face. You may find some of the behaviour the 10 year old is exhibiting is quite common. Sometimes a family is so worried about the child with the disability (and that's quite understandable) the other children just manage on their own. It's quite a new field but there is some research on it. It's great the older boy has done so well. Hope you find the younger one responds well to your efforts.

Do not make a favourite of the older child I want to say but it sounds as if you have already done that. My mother favoured by middle sister and my younger sister and I never forgot it. Favouritism is so wrong. A few words of encouragement to the younger boy would not go amiss.

You should be able to find something praiseworthy in both boys.

You clearly have a ‘favourite’ grandson, and no doubt the younger boy knows this. I think you’ve got to handle this very carefully, otherwise there will be a lot of jealousy between the boys.

I think the younger GS could be a splendid challenge for you. Why not devote more time and energy in trying to resolve his tricky situation? Get closer to him in a gradual way. He maybe needs a bit more of your tlc as well as that he is receiving from other sources. My GC are so different to me, I find it remarkable. Yep, sometimes tricky but mostly an absolute joy.

Praise wisely both boys as appropriate. There is lots of evidence that praise e.g. for exam success is less useful than praise for effort, for sticking with a challenge however it came out in the end. Praise for process more than outcomes - even if they pass lots of exams, the day will come when they fail. So its better to know that failing an exam doesn't mean being a failure and that effort and commitment are what you recognise and praise.So the boy facing challenges will also benefit a lot from this approach - so, for instance, he has not failed anything, but hasn't passed yet.There is a good TED talk (not very long) which says more about this and will help with both boys.https://www.ted.com/talks/carol_dweck_the_power_of_believing_that_you_can_improve

The OP has explained that she does not favour one boy over the other (see her post a few above this one).

She has also said that it is the older boy who is on the Autistic spectrum, which maybe makes his achievements slightly different from usual, which creates a situation where he needs praise for things that would be ‘normal’ for her other grandchildren.

It’s difficult. I have been in family situations where one child has needed encouragement just to stay still for longer enough to eat, to not jump on the furniture etc. When there are other, younger ones there they can think it’s not fair that X gets praise for things that they do (or don’t do) as a matter of course, but go unremarked.