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Grandparenting

Advice needed

(9 Posts)
Spuggee Sun 06-Sep-20 17:58:06

My ds and wife have separated, divorce etc ongoing. 4 Yr old gs and gd due October. Dil works p/t, her mother looks after gs. Ds is now getting access as were we. When gs was taken home after visit, Dil asked, several times, did gs behave, did he speak. We assured her he did behave and yes he spoke, not really thinking anything odd. Ds had first overnight stay yesterday with gs. Gs got upset as he weed on his leg whilst talking and wet his pants. He was crying, sobbing, and said to ds that his mummy shouted at him and he was scared. Ds got gs all sorted, lots of cuddles etc, gs calmed down.
I'm worried. My relationship with Dil is non existant but dh is trying to keep communication ongoing, he has tried mediation, need to go back 😩 my worry is the shouting and my gs feeling scared. I fully appreciate Dil is stressed, baby is small, she is to be induced at 37 weeks, but am concerned for both children and Dil mental health. Very unsure if what to do, how to advise ds, whole situation is a mess. Have tried to keep this post short and to the point!!

Cs783 Sun 06-Sep-20 18:15:23

Spuggee I feel for you all. This is a time of maximum stress for all. It’s devastating when a child suffers. I can only think you need to keep on treading softly, eyes on the longer term and what’s best for the child. Continuing mediation sounds good.

Spuggee Sun 06-Sep-20 20:06:23

Thank you, it's good to talk x

DiscoDancer1975 Mon 07-Sep-20 13:05:02

We are going through a similar thing. My son left his wife, complicated background. They have a nearly four year old, and a 1 year old. We love our DIL very much, and are very sad the marriage has ended, but if we’re honest, not surprised. They were a ‘ perfect storm’, and simply shouldn’t have been together. Our DIL is still in their house. Our son was with us, now lives with his friend. It’s becoming noticeable, that our DIL isn’t coping, but she’s very stubborn, and understandably, wants to do certain things herself. Our younger grandson is constantly being injured by the older, to the point he’s getting some quite nasty injuries. Our son feels so guilty about it all, but as much as we love our DIL, we can see she was very difficult to live with. She had a totally dysfunctional background, and she’s brought it into the marriage. It’s so hard isn’t it, to know what to do. We don’t want to interfere. They will sort it out, but at the same time, we don’t want to look like we’re abandoning them, and do nothing. I don’t have the answers Spuggee. Perhaps if you get some, you could let me know. All the best to you 💐

Spuggee Tue 08-Sep-20 10:32:02

DiscoDancer1975, thanks for your reply. Unfortunately I have no answers to give 😢 I can only hope that this time next year life will be soooo much better, and this whole year with covid, divorce, anger and worry will be almost forgotten x take care x

MellowYellow Wed 09-Sep-20 05:29:48

Spuggee, I went through very similar ten years ago, watched in agony as my little grandson was passed from pillar to post between his parents, with the mother not always coping. I want to encourage you that things will improve. My grandson is a lovely confident boy now and very able to talk about emotions due to what he went through. It is very hard watching it, but children are amazingly resilient. I wish the very best for you and your family.

Spuggee Wed 09-Sep-20 21:29:05

Thank you, this is reassuring! It's my mantra, things will get better!!

FarNorth Wed 09-Sep-20 22:05:54

DiscoDancer that is very worrying, if the smaller child is getting injured.

DiscoDancer1975 Thu 10-Sep-20 11:54:04

Yes, thank you FarNorth. We are worried, but trying to keep an eye on things as much as possible. My older grandson is angry, and we understand that totally. We’ve suggested a carer/ mother’s help for now, to see how things pan out.