Any advice for helping my situation

Hithere: my husband says her name and firmly says don’t be rude! Then she may grunt or turn her face away.

We too have a tricky GD but I have always found that saying, in a loud voice for all to hear, “Did I hear correctly? Would you like to repeat that?” is effective. Then in a quieter voice saying that it is not appropriate to talk to anyone like that, let alone grandparents. Now 14 she is still difficult but never deliberately rude.

How does your dh tell her off? Could you please give us the sentences he uses?

Granjenny, you don't get it because you are not a Child Behaviour Psychologist. They are trained to assess and diagnose which you aren't so they probably have a greater understanding than you ever can. My grandaughter is much like yours and I am lucky to have the sort of relationship your husband has with yours. Of course she has an outburst when somebody she adores criticises her behaviour. She is probably flooded with anxiety at that point and can't process her feelings so she goes into fight and flight mode. That is why it is better to allow her to express her feelings to your husband in a non judgemental way so that your husband can avoid the melt down and model discussing the problem to show that you can sort things out without recrimination, anger, etc. You will never get anywhere with this sort of child with coming down hard on them, you have to take a softly, softly approach.
We had a similar situation with my son when he reached a certain age and a psychologist pretty much advised us to do the same thing; we had to make our home a safe place to express his views. It wasn't out usual way of doing things but as we were anxious that he was going off the straight and narrow as he had started truanting. He said if we could keep him on side and a straight path until he could make his own decisions in life, we would have cracked it. We were skeptical but it was amazing the difference it made to his attitude. He is now a great bloke with a good career and manages his autistic son with the most beautiful understanding. Anybody who knew him as a child, is completely surprised...including his Dad!

PS In no way is this "perfectly normal" behaviour as the psychologist has said! Most normal children will either not feel motivated to be so rude; or they will try it once and get the message that this is not tolerated.

Her general behaviour does sound very challenging, and I am not surprised that your DD goes for the ignore/anything for a quiet life option.

Ignoring has its place - but how will she know what is acceptable behaviour if no-one tells her? And ignoring is just what she does not want, so she will do it all the more to make sure you have got the message!

Praising good behaviour can be difficult - first find your good behaviour!!

I am surprised that all of you went to see the child psychologist - how did that come about?

Personally I do think that in this instance "your house, your rules" applies and that you should pick her up on it, whilst making sure she still knows she is loved (as I described above).

However, not getting upset by it, or taking it to heart is important. She is a mixed-up child who is honing in on your vulnerabilities and playing on them.

If she asks her Mum to take her home when your OH picks her up on it, then so be it - home she goes.

What's her behaviour and attitude like at school?
If she has a hissy fit and demands to go home when grandad justifiably tells her off, then just let her go!
Why are four adults tiptoeing round an eight year old??
Do you want her to fit in, get on and be welcomed in society, or do actually you want her to be "special" and "different"?
I am at a loss as to why adults think it's acceptable to let a child dictate to them like this. Where's your self-respect?

Thanks for taking the time to post all your advice. When her grandad does tell her off it turns into such a drama as he has told her off. She doesn’t want to hear it and texts her mum from her iPad to come and get her!!!!!!

We actually all went to see a child behaviour psychologist last summer who advised she is perfect normal and we all have to deal with her differently and praise her all the time for good behaviour and being nice but in my opinion she has always had a problem Of accepting that she is a child as she often answers her dad back saying “ you’re not in charge!! I can do what I want!!”

I find it so difficult to accept this behaviour and after school childminding was always a challenge. I know it makes my daughter anxious about her behaviour but defends her to the hilt Saying she’s a very different child and children like her develop into successful leaders. I don’t get this at all!!!!!

Yes, definitely the granddad should pull her up on that behaviour.
Surely he doesn’t side with her, does he?

In fact what does he say to her when she does this.?

I wouldn’t be putting up with being spoken to like that. Not from anyone, let alone your own granddaughter.

Can your DH not tell her to stop being rude to you. She obviously has a relationship with him and may take on board what he tells her. Otherwise behaving as she does at 8 years old I wiukd question where she hears and sees these responses. Her parents also need to address her behaviour not just ignore it.

I agree with Jillybird on this. Neither I (nor my husband) would tolerate behaviour like that from any of our GC, and would tell them so in no uncertain terms. I suspect she is mirroring the behaviour of her friends/peers and quite likes the shock effect it has on adults. She may also be jealous of your relationship with her beloved grandfather, and is trying to exclude you so she can have him all to herself. I don't think you have done anything to upset her or cause this behaviour. Young girls can be very manipulating. But her parents should not ignore it. Clear boundaries of behaviour need to be set.

One of our GC once asked us an inappropriate question which rather surprised us! We asked why she asked and she said she'd overheard a conversation about us (her parents perhaps?). I told her she was being too nosey and it wasn't the sort of thing you ask your GPs. She was really embarrassed and apologised immediately. Children (especially at you GDs age) don't always realise their behaviour is inappropriate.

My goodness me! I wouldn’t put up with this for one more moment. You and your husband need to present a united front on this. Next time she says anything rude, tell her immediately”That’s a very rude way to speak, especially not to Grandma who loves you and buys you presents.” If it continues, tell her that she won’t be allowed to come to your house until she apologises to you.

Granjelly. I read your story and it is not my wish to to advise you. However I did have a thought as my grandchildren are all grown up now and I have been lucky enough to never have a problem. I did have a lot to do with them. For what it is my thought is that it is the way she has been brought up by her Parents and a bit your husbands attitude would seem to be the problem. May I ask if you go on well when she was younger? Mine have always treated me with respect so I do hope you can resolve this I know my Husband would never have let this go on. Good Luck

I feel for you granjenny, I have 8 grandchildren and they all used to take it in turns to sleep at our house on a Friday, everyone loved coming except one grandson, who decided to make my life hell from being about 8 or 9. He was often rude, wouldn't go to bed or anything. In the end after a particularly bad night, I had to say no more, his answer was well if I don't come my younger brother and sister can't either, I said they could but he said his dad (my son) wouldn't let them!!! and he did stop them. He has never changed he is now 22, and I still have a real problem with him. I know that he had problems when younger his mother wasn't around and she had major behaviour problems as well, but there is only so much you can take.

Rotten situation for you to be in. You don't want to tell tales and I doubt if she does it in front of your adored husband (else why would he tolerate it?) so just say. Rude. very firmly and walk away. Don't ignore it and tell your husband firmly that it is not on. She cannot be allowed to humiliate you in front of your family.

When my grandson was about that age he was often a bit rude. When we were on our own I sat him down and explained about people's feelings and how at any age someone can hurt someone else's feelings. I explained that being hurt didn't just mean hurt in the physical sense. I told him he had hurt my feelings. He seemed to understand and things improved considerably. Now he's a monosyllabic teenager but not rude.

You and your husband together, (I suspect this is where the problem lies) tell this manipulative, rude child she does not behave like this.

If she continues to do so, she does not come to your house.

Why is everyone frightened of her?

Ignore bad behaviour and praise the good. - how then will a child know what bad behaviour is? That is information held by the adults that she needs in order to grow up into a decent human being.

I am very much in favour of praising the good; but I also believe that we need to be equally clear about what is bad.

The critical thing is that picking a child up on bad behaviour should not be accompanied by any hint of withdrawal of love.

"Speaking like that is very rude. We love you dearly, but we do not allow that here." Then move on - do not flog it to death. You have provided the child with two important pieces of information: you are loved, and what you have done is not acceptable.

I do not think janeainsworth meant that the child would be ignored for the rest of the visit! A five minute ignore by all adults when you know you have behaved badly is a lesson learned. I would get grandad to be firm and clear, " I do not like your behaviour when you are rude.I don't want to be with you when you behave badly" She can then make a choice! Personally I think it is important for her to see grandad physically siding with OP at these times. It give a clear message. No good giving the child a hug and saying be a good girl..

PECS - perhaps I didn’t make myself clear enough in my comment. Ignoring bad behaviour is certainly one thing and if that is a disciplinary strategy used by the parents fine. But I’m fairly sure there was at least one other commenter advising to completely ignore the child and give her the silent treatment for the rest of the visit - make it clear that she’s being ignored.
Doing that as an adult to a child is (again only IMO) abusive. The adult has the power in this situation, and to effectively go in a huff and withdraw affection or communication is not only cruel, but displaying even worse behaviour for an obviously mixed up child to copy. What on earth does the child learn from this sort of adult tantrum?
Ignoring specific behaviours is valid advice. Completely ignoring an 8 year old child for an entire visit is encouraging cruelty.

I am worried you are blaming the wrong person.

Children model the behaviour they observe around them.
Your dh is not standing up for you and he is encouraging this.
Talk to him about it

Your gd is obviously testing boundaries but what is she learning from this - that's it's OK to be so rude? On the next occasion I would get your DH to say quite gently to her that she's been very rude to you and that he didn't think she wanted to be an unkind girl so perhaps she would like to apologise to you. If this doesn't work then he should be more firm and failing that just tell her she's been very rude and her behaviour is completely unacceptable.

Lolo81 it is certainly not abuse to ignore a child who is behaving inappropriately. If a child is speaking rudely to OP I would advise OP to walk away with no comment and expect Gradfather to also get up and accompany the OP., chat to her, giver her a hug or a peck on the cheek..but not speak to the child. If that happens each time she is deliberately rude she will soon learn

Your husband needs to show some loyalty to you by speaking to your granddaughter about her being disrespectful.

As she has such a good relationship with your husband, could she be jealous of you? Either way I wouldn't be putting up with rudeness from an 8 year old. If she cannot improve her manner with you I would tell her she can't come to your house until she learns to be polite. If this isn't nipped in the bud what will she be like when she's a teenager?