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Any advice for helping my situation

(110 Posts)
Granjenny Sun 20-Sep-20 00:28:44

My 8 year old grand daughter is often rude to me. She adores my husband and constantly makes a fuss over him telling him all the time how much she loves him in front of me which if I’m honest makes me feel non existent., I have tried to ignore her crush because it is a special relationship however she treats me in a completely different t way. She will often reply “mind your own business “if I ask her a question or reply “what’s it got to do with you” . I am shocked by her responses and if I tell her off she goes off in a real huff. Her parents don’t really tell her off when it happens in my presence as they say don’t rise to the bait and to just ignore her. I’m very close to my daughter and I don’t want the situation to cause tension between me and my daughter but the situation is reallly upsetting me. Apparently her other grandma just says don’t be rude and that’s the end of it but I’m not sure if she gives her the same responses so am I over re acting ! I have a good relationship with my other grandchildren

welbeck Sun 20-Sep-20 01:21:26

i wouldn't have her to stay or visit.
but if she does it in front of her parents and they don't check her, then that's more tricky.
what does your husband say when she is rude to you.
he needs to pull her up on it if her parents are not present.
is this actually a genuine situation OP ? sounds odd.

OceanMama Sun 20-Sep-20 01:44:48

There could be many reasons she does this. A friend of mine told me they were always awful to one of their grandmothers when they were a teenager, but to this day they can't say why. If one of my children had been that way, I can see my mother would have asked why they were always rude to them. My guess is my mother in law would just have straight out told a child off for being rude. At 8, go gently, but she is old enough to learn that it isn't okay to treat people that way. Can you have a quiet word with the parents, depending on general relationship dynamics with them? Maybe they can give you some insight? I also wouldn't be having her over or babysitting until she could be polite. If that disappoints the child, she learns actions have consequences. She can apologise and be given another chance then. It also sets a boundary with the parents that you aren't going to roll over and be treated that way by their child.

Granjenny Sun 20-Sep-20 02:08:24

I actually don’t think it is normal behaviour so interesting you are asking if it’s a genuine post. I promise you that’s what happens on occasions and it shocks me.

OceanMama Sun 20-Sep-20 02:16:21

It does make me wonder if the child feels a lack of power and is gaining some sense of power by bullying someone and making them smaller than her. Could she be getting bullied at school? She could just be attention seeking as well. I'm not saying that either are of these things are what is happening, just a couple of thoughts. Whatever the reason, it's still not okay or to be accepted.

Carenza123 Sun 20-Sep-20 07:50:01

Your granddaughter is constantly changing and maturing. My now 9 year old granddaughter has certainly changed for the better in a year. She is more caring and polite. If/when she is rude to you - call her out on what she has said. Ask her how SHE would feel if a friend said that to her. And that is is hurtful. I think she has to learn better behaviour. I would not ignore it and talk to your daughter about it.

janeainsworth Sun 20-Sep-20 08:27:56

Her parents don’t really tell her off when it happens in my presence as they say don’t rise to the bait and to just ignore her
I think her parents are right.
‘Praise the good, ignore the bad’ works a treat in my opinion.
It would help if your DH, instead of basking in this child’s adoration, supported you by also ignoring her when she’s rude like this.

JackyB Sun 20-Sep-20 08:30:36

If her granddad is her hero, why don't you rope him in and ask him to say things like "That's my wife you're talking to, it upsets me to hear her spoken to like that." Or "that is your Granny/Nanna you are being rude to. She loves you and cooks you your tea?".

Or whatever is appropriate in your case. Surely she won't want to upset Granddad.

janeainsworth Sun 20-Sep-20 08:31:51

By ignore, I mean really ignore.
Don’t ignore the behaviour but be nice to her.
Ignore the behaviour and ignore her.
She won’t like it and will quickly realise if she wants attention, the way to get it is by being nice, not by being rude.

DillytheGardener Sun 20-Sep-20 08:40:38

I agree with what the other posters have said. You and your husband need to be on the same page. She is rude to you, then she is checked firmly and calmly by you both, then ignored until you see behaviour that is good. At that age they are starting to push boundaries, and they need to be firmly pushed back when they test them out, so that they turn into respectful, kind and well rounded adults.
It does sound very upsetting, I hope Granjenny this is resolved soon. Do let us know how you get on. Sending you a cup of tea and a sunny day sunshine brew

Furret Sun 20-Sep-20 09:00:42

She’d get the sharp end of my tongue for sure. And I think your DH needs to stop lapping up the adoration and tell her not to speak to grandma like that.

Lolo81 Mon 21-Sep-20 16:00:46

Offering a slightly different perspective here. We had a bit of a rough time with my youngest and my mum around this age as she was having issues realising that he wasn’t a wee boy anymore and he had opinions of his own. I had to take mum aside and ask her to stop babying him as he hated it - whereas his papa (my dad) didn’t do the coochie-coo voice or cut up his food or constantly tell him to be careful - he spoke to him like a little human.
Now in no way does that excuse rudeness - but are you maybe communicating with your GC at a younger level?
As for completely ignoring her as has been suggested here, please do not play psychological games with a child, it’s cruel, unnecessary and IMO emotionally abusive.
Maybe get DH on board to say something - or have you asked him if he’s noticed anything you’re doing that could have caused this. This isn’t me laying blame, but if it’s something simple you can change then why wouldn’t you?

Jayt Mon 21-Sep-20 16:08:36

I’m with Furret on this. She sounds like a little brat and, if I were you, Granjenny, I’d tell her so in front of her parents. If they don’t like it just tell them their child needs controlling and it’s high time they had a serious chat with her about how she treats you. She won’t get far in life behaving like that.

3nanny6 Mon 21-Sep-20 16:30:07

I have every empathy with Granjenny and you must be upset by this rudeness although I agree with another poster that said at age 8 they are testing boundaries and must be pushed back so they learn better behaviour.

I too felt upset about one of my G.Ds who sometimes has tantrums. She is 7 and half years old and when her mother was talking to me on the phone last week the child got into a temper. The child was shouting loudly and called me some
abusive swear words. I told her to see to the child and rang off. I rang back later and asked the childs mother to put her on the phone to apologize. I was told she is quiet now so she did not want to upset her. I did not visit them on the weekend as I am still upset about the swearing and the fact that the childs mother did nothing to reprimand her.

EllanVannin Mon 21-Sep-20 16:30:45

It's up to Grandpa to step in when this happens and explain that her behaviour to Gran isn't acceptable and has to stop. It definitely shouldn't be allowed to continue as it's not right and it's not nice either.

BlueBelle Mon 21-Sep-20 16:37:18

No child should be called a little brat she may be displaying brattish behaviour but that shouldn’t define her jayt
It may be a stage she’s going through I definitely think Granddad is you lynch pin here as she adores him so much if he was to reprimand her and say ‘Darling don’t speak to Nanny like that it’s very unkind and I m sure you won’t want me to think you’re an unkind girl’ that’s all, no more details needed then if it happens again repeat it again etc
You can’t make a child love you but you can make sure they treat you with respect and 8 is not too young to learn that lessson. She won’t want to upset granddad
I think her parents are very much in the wrong how will she learn the right way to respect people if they just ignore it
If my grandkids had spoken to me like that my daughter would have said “don’t talk to Nan like that”
By the way is it new behaviour or has she always shown you disrespect ?

V3ra Mon 21-Sep-20 16:41:52

It sounds like she's jealous of you and is trying to monopolise your husband. I can't see why or how an eight year old can make you feel non-existent though? She's certainly touching a nerve.
I think grandad needs to pull her up over her behaviour and tell her she's being rude and it's not acceptable. She'll "mind" about that and it'll sink in more than if you say it.
He must realise her behaviour isn't acceptable surely? Does he want a rude granddaughter?

Babyshark Mon 21-Sep-20 18:44:34

I really don’t think this is one of those occasions where you apply ignore the bad and praise the good.

Her parents are telling her it’s ok to speak to you that way by not challenging her in the moment. I would be utterly shocked to hear any child speak to someone that way in front of their parents and not be challenged.

She is acting like a brat and her behaviour needs addressing by you and. Your husband jointly but primarily by her lazy parents!

Marmight Mon 21-Sep-20 19:03:39

I know that if one of my grandchildren spoke to me like that, there is no way my daughters or SiLs would sit back and let it happen. She’s 8 years old, not a baby or toddler. I’d just ignore her and tell your husband to stop being such a wuss. He’s in the ideal position, as flavour of the month, to have a kind word in her shell-like

Gwyneth Mon 21-Sep-20 19:05:48

If this is her attitude at eight, and assuming there are no underlying problems causing the behaviour what will she be like at ten? This needs to be stopped. Do you ever look after her for her parents to go out? If so, I would refuse until they speak to their daughter. They don’t appear to be positive role models do they?

Luckygirl Mon 21-Sep-20 22:32:26

Two options: ignore or pick her up on it as rude.

At her age I think it is appropriate for her to be told clearly that this is rude.

I think both of you should say that it is not acceptable: "That is rude, please do not speak like that again."; but then move quickly on without making a major issue of it.

I do think that you need to detach your emotions from this. It should not make you feel "non-existent" - you are the grown-up here and you need to stand back and recognise that it is just a phase and your role (jointly) is to help her in her growing up and know what is right and what is wrong. And if she sees you getting emotional about it she will do it all the more.

I think your DD is wrong to say ignore it completely. If any of my GC (even the younger ones) spoke to me like that their parents would be very clear with them that this is not acceptable. They would require that they apologise.

sodapop Tue 22-Sep-20 09:11:36

I agree with Luckygirl your granddaughter is old enough to be told that this is unacceptable.
Don't make a big issue of it but do be clear that this is rude and she needs to apologise. Your husband should be clear about it too.

Chardy Tue 22-Sep-20 09:20:53

Why doesn't her beloved grandfather say 'Don't speak to Grannie like that' and then walk away from her?

Smileless2012 Tue 22-Sep-20 09:26:11

I agree with everyone who says your H should say something to her Grannyjenny, and if it happens in front of her parents and they don't say anything, have a quiet word with them and say you're no longer happy having her to stay.

I do agree in many instances that ignoring the bad and responding to the good is the way to go, but not in this case.

Aepgirl Tue 22-Sep-20 09:30:07

Just tell her that if she continues to be rude she can’t come to your home any more, and granddad should say the same.