Any advice for helping my situation

Thanks for the update Granjenny. It sounds as though your GD has learned something already & hopefully your DH has listened to the wise ones on Gransnet

Thanks everyone! It’s going to be a while til she can stay over again . I’m just not tolerating it!!! She’s been on best behaviour since last episode and been over twice with her mum but we ll see. I’ve told my husband what practically all of you have said that he has to be tougher with her! I’ll keep you posted!!! Thanks again everyone

As someone who is knee deep in grandkids - I'd be even ruder back! How dare she! And how dare her parents?

I cannot imagine any of my grandkids speaking to me in that fashion but if they did, they'd get very short shrift from me and so would thier parents.

Nearest I've had is my youngest grandaughter, when she was a toddler. We were eating lunch from knee trays (redecorating dining room) when she wandered up and stuck her hand in my food. I smacked the back of her hand (not hard - before you all start screaming at me!) and the cheeky madam stuck her tongue out....

Her mother removed her instantly and was told not to bring her back until she'd learned some manners.

She's now 6, has beautiful manners and loves coming to nana's....

You need your husband to speak to your grand daughter that it is not acceptable to be rude to anyone.

Granjenny
Have you thought about how you treat her? My grandparents died when I was in my twenties so I had them around for a long time. My grandmother always made a fuss of me, whereas my grandfather didn't. He taught me how to develop and print photos (made with my box Brownie) and he taught me how to paint with oils.

I used to visit them regularly when I moved to London, going down after work for dinner. After a day with lots of people, I liked to be quiet for a time and would sit with Grandpa watching the news. Nana would keep asking me if I wanted a cup of tea etc etc and I did find that irritating.

Don't get me wrong, I loved both of them equally and I was never rude.

I've just remembered my in laws and their treatment of their GD. They used to criticize her and tell her what to do. She wasn't rude to them. It got to the point where she told them if they were going to do that, she would not visit them and she stuck to her word. They were from a generation that thought they were owed respect but didn't think that they owed it to their Children or GCs
As she got older,

PECS

I am surprised some posters feel that by 8yrs old a child, with no apparent special needs, does not know what bad behaviour is! Children are generally very astute in identifying good/ bad behaviour by the time they start school & certainly by age 8 yrs! I do not think psychological damage occurs by refusing to engage with a child behaving badly. In effect the behaviour the OP is describing is embryonic bullying. Imagine a child doing that consistently to another child and seeking support of a classmate. She needs to learn her behaviour does not get get her what she wants. The time for talking about the behaviour is later.

I think you'll find that the child has seen a Psychologist which suggests that the problem lies far deeper than a bit of rudeness to the Grandmother. It may seem that her behaviour is bullying but bullies often have underlying problems that cause them to take things out on others.
I think what most people are advocating on here is based on what works with the average child who can respond to the various approaches discussed with no repercussions except good ones. This is obviously a child who is in need of professional help and it amazes me that the advice of the psychologist can be dismissed by so many people who have no training. You wouldn't be so quick to do that with other medical professionals. What many are suggesting could be very damaging to the good relationship this child does have with the grandfather and will just entrench her views about her grandmother. If this child has PDA or ODD traits, you will not get the behaviour you desire by taking a firm stance.

Thanks Lolo. I think however hard we try to be objective, to some extent how we view & interpret things does depend on our own personal experiences.
I’ve always tried to distinguish between the behaviour and the person & to forgive & start over as soon as possible. I think that reassures a child that even if they’ve done something we don’t like, we still love them.

Janesinsworth - I’ve obviously misread your advice here and for that I can only apologise. The adult tantrum comment was based on my (admittedly now wrongly perceived) understanding as I outlined in my last comment. Therefore, given that you were not advocating ignoring a child for an extended period of time, you would not be having said tantrum.
That said I do stand by my stance that an extended period of withdrawal of affection and attention would be damaging and further alienate the child. Ignoring behaviours as I said previously (which is what the child psychologist advised) is a very different proposition.
I had a grandparent who would wield “the silent treatment” as a method of discipline and although I’d like to think I’m a fairly well adjusted adult, it did not lead to a good relationship with her later in life. So from experience it can be damaging, maybe not life changing - but it certainly showed me that my GM was not a person I could rely on, trust or feel safe with.
Again I apologise for misconstruing your initial comment and had no intention of personally insulting anyone, simply wanted to give my own opinion on the matter in the hope of helping OP.

I think it's rather odd behaviour and certainly sounds like she is jealous of you, as being someone else close to your husband. I too think your husband should tell her this is unacceptable and I wonder why he does not. Perhaps he rather enjoys being the favourite and thinks if he corrects her he'll lose that status.

If it were me I would ask her not to be so rude. I think her parents are wrong in not correcting her.

Lolo But I’m fairly sure there was at least one other commenter advising to completely ignore the child and give her the silent treatment for the rest of the visit - make it clear that she’s being ignored

I think it was my comment you’re referring to, and that wasn’t what I meant at all.
I meant that it’s no good simply pretending the rude behaviour hasn’t happened. I’ve seen parents ignore unacceptable behaviour but try to get children to behave better by cajoling them with offers of treats etc.

I think this just leads to children learning how to be manipulative.

I also agree with those who’ve said that it has to be pointed out to the child that the behaviour is unacceptable.

But in my experience anyway, simply saying ‘you can talk to your friends in the school playground like that, but please don’t do it at home’ followed by a few minutes ‘ignoring’ did the trick, and no children were harmed in the process.

I don’t do ‘adult tantrums’ in the presence of either children or adults and I find it rather insulting that you should make that suggestion.

I'm not sure born leaders has got much to do with rude children!

MerylStreep, wasn’t the idea of ‘Indigo children’ shown to be simply a description of badly behaved children which was more palatable to parents?

Gosh - born leaders. So this is why we have such rubbish leaders! I would not like a child of mine to turn out like most of the leaders we have had over the last few decades!

That's should be sounds as if not find

Granjenny
There was a reference in you post born leaders ( said by your daughter) it sounds as I find your daughter has been reading up on Indego children This is a classic quote from the literature on these children: born leaders.
Strangely enough, I know 2 of them and both don't/won't accept they are children, not adults. One is 6 the other 11.

We have a 9 year old and 10 year old and neither have ever been rude to us . The parents would never have allowed it . I would warn about no birthday / Christmas presents if she cannot be nice to you . DH had to do his bit telling her he does not like her being ruse to you .

I am surprised some posters feel that by 8yrs old a child, with no apparent special needs, does not know what bad behaviour is! Children are generally very astute in identifying good/ bad behaviour by the time they start school & certainly by age 8 yrs! I do not think psychological damage occurs by refusing to engage with a child behaving badly. In effect the behaviour the OP is describing is embryonic bullying. Imagine a child doing that consistently to another child and seeking support of a classmate. She needs to learn her behaviour does not get get her what she wants. The time for talking about the behaviour is later.

PS You say that she says "Whats' it got to do with you?" My response to that would be "Well I am interested ofcourse, but if you don't want to tell me that is up to you!" But I have to say her Grandad would also say "Well I think Nanny is part of this conversation" and would then tell me or involve me in the conversation. Modelling the behaviour rather than a huge hoo ha works well with 8 year olds because they are desperate to make their own choices, and will soon learn to make choices that get them what they want and need which is attention.

I have an 8 year old granddaughter. She is flexing her independent muscles, as they do at that age, and will sometimes be rudely impatient/smugly rude/shrugging her shoulders dismissively etc. . I tend to approach it as she is perfectly old enough to understand what is rude and what is not. Depending on scenario I might look at her and say "You know, when you don't understand/are being slow..etc etc ...I always wait/listen/explain/ etc etc. That is the right thing to do isn't it!" No further comment. It works!!

I might also say, depending on scenario, something like "Did you mean to be rude then?. I hope not because that would be a pity!". I then quietly get on with something, and before long over she comes with a question or to help me or whatever and more often that not she will "Sorry I was rude Nanny" but if she doesn't I just leave it anyway because the lesson has been quietly learned. There was a spate of these incidents for a while when she turned 8 years, now very rare.

Maybe grandad could also utilise similar tactics. Not a lot of fuss, just gentle reprimand that hits home! And if you do the same without emotion or a big deal, t might just work

I think , maybe quietly and immediately say "That's rude" and leave it at that, don't look at her until she has calmed down.

Is she oppositional at school?
Do they liaise with the Child Psychologist?

how does her father respond when she declares that he is not in charge, and she can do as she likes.
i would be tempted to reply that on the contrary, in law he and mother are in charge, ie have parental responsibility/decision making.
this to be said in a calm matter of fact tone, not stern.
but i have no expertise.

I think 'grandad' should find something else to do sometimes when she is there!!

I think that the sort of responses you have suggested Hithere could create further problems. If you ask this child to "answer her" (grandma) then she could simply refuse and then you have opened a further can of worms that you will have to battle with for goodness knows how long.

I think a simple statement that this is wrong and not allowed in your home would suffice - and then move on.

Thanks for your reply.

His comment is very generic and lacks structure and expectations to follow

How about redirecting her with instructions (approved by parents):
"dont be rude. Your grandma is asking a question, could you please answer her?"
"Your grandma just said hello to you, it is rude not to say hi back"
Etc

I am afraid her reactions are to be expected of a person her age.