grandchildren overseas

I think my heart will break when son takes gd away for a year in another country. I feel a bit selfish now after reading all the posts as it’s only a year, but it will be so difficult.

Of my 9 grandchildren, 3 live locally and 2 were born and live in Italy. The rest are scattered around England and Scotland. It is inevitable that I provide more childcare, days out and treats for the local ones but it doesn't mean that I love the others any less. Their turn comes when we are able to visit them or they come here. We treat them all the same for birthdays and Christmas and love them all to bits, wherever they happen to live.

It took me months to.bond with my grandson and he lived five minutes away. He has over protect parents and we never even got to.hold him till he was months old. I have developed a bond now but there is talk of moving overseas which is upsetting me.

My son and his girlfriend parted quite quickly, it was not a serious relationship, but everyone is on good terms. I would like to be closer to my gd from that relationship but I think casual affairs lead to distancing for relatives. (She lives with her now married mother 50 minutes away) I’m not being moralistic, just realistic.
I now think I should have made more effort to see her regularly but I had a health troubled husband and was career mad!
Anyway she’s coming over soon?

I only have one DGD who lives in the US as do my two eldest DD’s.

Thanks to being able to visit several times while she was a baby/toddler, we have always had a very close bond made stronger by the three years DD2 and DGD lived here in Malta. I had more or less sole charge of her as her mum had to work.

I miss her now she’s back in the US, but we still FaceTime regularly, and I’ve been lucky enough to have visited regularly.

My own mum lived in Malta and was very close to our four children, but she used to make regular trips to visit her other seven grandchildren in the UK so had a wonderful relationship with them all.

I know what you mean red1, when you say you went through a grieving process. I don’t think I had ever cried as much as when my DD’s left, but it’s 15 years and 12 years since they went and I’m proud of them both for having made a life over there. I’ve also had some wonderful trips to visit which would not have happened had they stayed here. Covid has put the dampers on that for now, unfortunately.

My son, his wife and 2 children aged 4 and 2 moved to Hong Kong for 3 years and have been in the Netherlands for 3 years. I was heartbroken when they left and though we saw them 2-3 times a year until this last year. gradually I have felt less close to them as we aren’t part of their everyday lives.

We have recently heard that they are returning to the U.K. at around Christmas time and will move back to their rented out house for the time being. I am so happy about this.

We have since had another DGD, now 2 who lives in the same town as us and we are immensely close to her.

I have 2 grandchildren that live nearby and I care for them daily by going to their home. I am tired but I am very close to them. I have 3 grandchildren ranging in age from 3 to 18 in a province that is in lockdown here in Canada and I have not seen them in some time. It was just before I would have made a trip to visit that we went into lockdown so last night I was speaking to my youngest there and she called me by my first name instead of "Gram" which I go by. I also have never felt as close to them as they have never lived nearby and I have never provided any ongoing care for them like I do the ones near me. It is sad but I think it is only natural on both sides.

I haven't had this experience, but have seen it for my parents-in-law as one of their sons emigrated, and has since had 2 children who they didn't know very much (they're now gone and the grandchildren are in their 30's); they didn't have the same relationship with those children as the others (how could they??) I'm afraid that if our children emigrate abroad, they cannot expect us to have the same relationship with their children - it's made impossible by the choice they made and it's expecting to have everything. Also, they escape any of the helping or caring of parents (either side) and escaped all those responsibilities. My SIL had to give up a full time job to care for them. Of course, she was left a larger portion of their parents' estate to compensate her loss of work pension, but her brother has never stopped moaning about it ever since!

When they were small, we went over to Oz once a year for three weeks at a time.
I was a bit put out when I once asked DD if the children missed us when we left. She said no, they just accepted Granny and Grandad had come out on the plane from England, had a holiday with them all, then got back on another plane and went home.
Which is how it is, of course, they just accepted it as natural.

?

I had a consuming career in social work and moved home to pursue it several times; together with my husband and children. This meant reduced contact with other family. However, now we are back in Scotland we find that regular extended family gatherings have created some lovely new relationships with grown up nephews and nieces through shared interests and their own milestones.

I expect it is mother nature helping us out again. For various reasons and now the virus we haven't been able to see our eldest GC for sometime. We think of them a lot but I admit we are closer to the GC nearby it feels inevitable.

thanks for replies, logical really ,if someone is not around you physically on a regular basis and in your daily living then the ties loosen.I have found that lots of people separated from their families report a type of 'ache' that exists, but lessens with time.But then there are estranged family members who I never want to see again, but that is a different post!

Slightly different but when my Grandson was born my daughter, partner and him lived with me. Things didn't work out for them and she asked him to leave so her and my Grandson stayed with me for a further three years (he's 8 now). He's Autistic and I used to mind him when she went back to work, we developed a strong bond and I missed him when they moved out. Inbetween she met her now husband who was told he couldn't have children but out of the blue, dtr got pregnant and I felt I was betraying my Grandson (silly I know) but I've never felt as close to my gdtr and I have to him and it's taken a long time to accept her fully (totally not her fault).

I know what you mean Red1. I love all 4 of my grandchildren who all now live 300 miles away, but my younger DD was living with us when she was pregnant with eldest DGS and he was born on our sofa and she then stayed local for 3 yrs so I had him every weekend. 13 yrs later I still feel a special bond with him.

My son and his family went to live in Australia in 2011. His partner is Australian so it was always on the cards. Their son was 3 at the time and I had looked after him quite a lot so had a close bond, but their little girl was 11 weeks old so we never really had the chance to get to know her. She was quite a cranky baby and when they came back for a visit after a year she was still the same and just wanted her mum all the time. We have visited them 4 times and have now built up a bit of a relationship with our grand daughter but it is hard going and always seems that just as we are making progress it is time to go home. Our grandson is 12 now and we always slot back in with him just as if we have never been apart. We Skype most weeks and I always try to send them nice things at Christmas and for birthdays. I have two grandsons living not too far away and looked after them a lot when they were little so have a close bond with them. It feels a shame to have the one grand daughter but have great difficulty getting close to her. I think living with the fact that some of our family are thousands of miles away has helped us cope with lockdown as we are used to separations.

I miss my DD down under every day although we message every day and I get photos, especially of the GC I will probably never meet. I’m not well enough to travel three flights to see them and can no longer afford to bring the 6 of them over here. Maybe the youngsters will one day come to the U.K. just as their Dad did (and ran off with my DD) but I will be long gone.
On the other hand the GC who lives with me, and throws little arms around me a dozen times a day, I love to pieces and also the GC I cared for from 8 months and really grieved for when he went to school and his affectionate little sibling too.
I tried not to love the faraway ones less and they all get gifted the same but have to admit I feel very different about them?

I am in the same position as ReadyMeals. My only son has no wish to see me. When his daughter was born (his partner had a very difficult birth) he stayed at home for 2 months when I was not allowed to visit. He returned to work and I drove 70miles twice a week taking several home cooked meals for them as well as things for my granddaughter. They asked me to mind her when son's partner returned to work but I had to refuse as being 77 and not in good health I couldn't cope with the daily drive as well as looking after a baby/toddler. Since then I have only seen them once and rarely hear from them. I am heartbroken. I have no other family in the UK although my sister in Canada has been very supportive. Sorry for the moan.

It’s the same for me too. I have 2 grandchildren who live in the UK (but 5 hours away) and 2 who live in Australia. I rarely see the Australian GC who are 8 and almost 6 on FaceTime etc but do speak to my son every week or so. No photos although I know that their mother takes photos every day. I’ve just had to accept that it is what it is and at least they are pleased to see us when we are able to be together. I’m quite relieved to find that I’m not alone in feeling so much closer to my UK grandchildren. I’m the daughter of a merchant sailor and so I grew up with long distance relationships and all the uncertainties of when he would be home again so I should be used to people being apart. I don’t like it any more than I did when I was a child myself.

My parents migrated to Australia from Europe in the early 60s. I never knew any of my grandparents. They did send gifts, and we exchanged letters, but that's it. They didn't know me as a person and I didn't know them, but I never felt upset that my cousins did. Naturally, my grandparents felt much closer to the grandchildren they knew. That's normal.

It's easier now, though. My MIL lives a 2 hour flight away, but we Skype every week. DS is still close to her.

What I do treasure from my distant GC is a photograph album, when cameras were the norm, of various stages of their growth---from birth onwards and of course many more taken when I visited them in Oz.

Now I have emails with pics included so I haven't missed out over the years. 2 of them are in their 30's and one in her mid-20's so all know me well. What I will miss will be GGC should they come along soon as only my GD is in a steady relationship, so hoping they won't leave it too late ( for my sake )

As an overseas grandchild, my mother has complained to me (in adulthood) that I and siblings didn't get all the gifts from our grandmother that the local grandchildren got, and that we didn't get anything of her estate when she died and it was all taken by the local grandchildren

I find that upsetting. If I give my DGC here any extra, like spends for holidays etc, I always make sure that DGC overseas get the same.
They get the same for Christmas and birthdays too, although I will transfer money in future for the overseas family as postage is just far too high.

The same thing can happen with ones adult children who move abroad.
Not being part of their day to day lives over many years can sadly create emotional distance too.

Yes, at the end of the day children are just people, and as far as I know there is nothing in blood that magically keeps you emotionally closer to relatives. For instance, I was upset when my son first estranged himself from me, but as time's gone by I find I think of him less, and it doesn't stir up any strong feelings when I do. I wish him well but that's all really.

Of course it's normal and probably inevitable to feel closer to someone you see regularly, and share much more of your life with, than to those who live far away. Can't be helped. You are not lacking, it's just how things are.

I suppose I know more about my physically nearest GC’s (Two hours drive away) little habits and likes and dislikes than my other GC but I don’t feel that I’m any more or less close to them otherwise.

None of the further-away GC has any other family living nearby so I guess that makes a difference. If they each had the other granny living next door, it could be a different story.

The GC are still thrilled to see us on FT (Might change when they’re teenagers!) and I hear most days from their parents so I feel as though we’re in the loop with them.