New grandma feeling left out and inadequate

it is very clear that the grandparent generation advocate for themselves and their agenda, having their feelings hurt when their vision doesnt happen

Yup it is clear that there are some grandparents doing that! It is also very clear from comments made on threads that some are not!!

You have had some good advice here. I would only that if it were me, I would be keeping well away from a household where the family have been away on holiday with another group of people during this Covid problem.
Also, you say you are in Southend and on Tier 1 but, the rest of Essex is Tier 2 so, I would be wary of carrying anything to new baby.

Having been a parent- grammar. Sorry!

"I think some mums actually forget that all of us grans are in fact DiLs ourselves, and we've all had children. We know how it feels to be a DiL, and a mother ... and also how it feels to be a grandparent. Many of us have been through the exact same scenarios that young mothers are going through now"
I think you are forgeting several factors here.
1. Differences between generations how they see things and deal with them
2. We are all unique and despite holding the same role, we react differently to the same situation

"And, indeed, they will go through some of the same scenarios we are experiencing, when they eventually become grandparents."
We dont know that. I refer to my same points two above. Some may, some may not.

In plenty of threads and just comments above me (bath time being a parent task, for example) it is very clear that the grandparent generation advocate for themselves and their agenda, having their feelings hurt when their vision doesnt happen.

Many grandparents expect the now son and dil to behave like they did when the grandparents were parents and that's a recipe for disaster

So clearly having being a parent but now a grandparent doesnt make you automatically sympathize with the current generation and get along better.

The baby is still very young and this "Bonding" that you talk of wanting to happen is what happens with the parents (or primary care giver) so please don't get out of shape about that.

Feelings of jealousy are just that "feelings" they are yours and you can let them grow by perpetuating your "belief" that you are being the "Victim" of some unfair treatment.

OR - or you can change your 'Thinking" and give yourself a new Message.

Up to you.

Your new self message could be something along the lines of ' we see this Baby when we do AND we will be seeing a Small Person growing up'.

As Covid passes and we have more time, we will see her more. As the NEW parents to a NEW baby become parents to a toddler, a teenager and so on WE WILL be there. We are apart of this child's life as much as the other GP's. We will find our place.

You say the other GP's are retired and reasonably well off while your and your OH are still working and that brings other factors into the situation. If other GM can settle baby and you can't maybe it has to do with other things besides being there more.

Factors such as she is DiL's mum so will "Feel" to baby more familiar, she hasn't had to drive to get there, hasn't been at work, isn't trying to "Fit a visit in" ergo she isn't as tense or stressed as you - most naturally you won't feel as relaxed as other GM and these things transmit, especially to very young babies.

Asking to visit and not being allowed - hummm - that's an other issue. Change your question. IF I read your post correctly you are saying to DS "I have xx time and I want to come visit. Nothing really wrong in that but it isn't working for you.

Ask instead WHEN , for how long, continue to offer to stay in a hotel. Don't even go there for asking to do parenting jobs such as bath time.

You can make the long term situation better OR you can make it worse. But if you are asking for help you clearly Don't want to make it worse.

It's hard on you and it's a tough place to be so well done you for reaching out.

Are the other GP's getting a better shot at being GP's than you are ? Yep.

They probably are. That's a hard to take but if you're in this for the long haul you take it.

Are your DS and Dil including her parents more in their family life than they are including you? Yep. They probably are. Again tough to take.

Your DS and DiL are new at this parenting lark too so it's up to you to be the more giving person, it's hard on you and your feeling hurt but it is what it is so softly, softly is probably your best way forward.

Also your son is probably just going along with what his wife wants and what feels easy, less stress.

I know I set the family patterns and so did my friends, it's also what I see with my DD and with DD's of my friends families. Son's seem to hand over certain bit's of family responsibilities to we Women Folk.

If this helps we have a 9yr old GD, she was born in New Zealand and I was there for 3 months to cover before she was born and 6 weeks after. Her other Gran couldn't be there, DH and I went for 3 weeks when she was 6 months old, other Gran couldn't be there. DD and SiL came back to UK when DGD was 14 months old and lived with us for 8 months until there stuff got here. They went to see other Gran a couple of times in those 8 months. Since then they probably see SiL's Mum 6 times a year, we live closer and until Covid have gone to there's most weeks. So as you can see we have had lots more contact with DGD than other Gran, it's just the way life is. I like other Gran but she lives down south and no longer drives due to eye sight.

However, DGD knows other Gran well, loves her very much, we talk about what they do together when she sees other Gran and we play with new toys she's had from other Gran. She does the reverse with Gran re us because she tells us. DGD knows us all, doesn't really remember her other Grandad as she was only 2 and a bit when he died but talks about him when we look a pictures.

So for some children building GP relationships it isn't always about frequency of contact. It's about letting all the members of their extended family be part of their inner world as much as being there in their outer world.

I'm sad you're feeling hurt, I always feel for DGD's other Gran as she is on her own and I know she misses DGD and her son very much but life is what it is and we do the best we can. good Luck and I hope you have found some helpful suggestions on GN.

Hetty58
You ask where this magical place is: it's here in Southend. Tier one. I wouldn't go as far as calling it magical but I love it ?

At the end of the day, we all want what's best for our children/grandchildren, and surely that means having a harmonious relationship with all the in-laws.

The problem here is that often different people have different ideas as to what “the best” is.

Often times the conflict happens when extended family thinks they know best when it’s in direct conflict with what the parent know is best.

In my mind at that stage it is the parents wishes that should come first. But not all the extended family can accept that

When I went to stay with my son & DiL, they couldn't wait for me to bath my GC, so they could put their feet up and have a rest!

This is a different situation than a grandmother expecting/asking/looking forward to bathing.

The first is a benefit to the new parents and asked for. The second is overstepping something new parents are comfortable with

What a strange thing to say MamaBearwhat's wrong with a GP wanting to bath their GC?

As others have posted Maymay it's very early days so try to just enjoy the time you do get to spend with your GD.

Madgran77, my thoughts exactly about MamaBear20s post ... Dear me!

When I went to stay with my son & DiL, they couldn't wait for me to bath my GC, so they could put their feet up and have a rest!

I think some mums actually forget that all of us grans are in fact DiLs ourselves, and we've all had children. We know how it feels to be a DiL, and a mother ... and also how it feels to be a grandparent. Many of us have been through the exact same scenarios that young mothers are going through now. And, indeed, they will go through some of the same scenarios we are experiencing, when they eventually become grandparents.

Perhaps we all would do well to take a step back occasionally, to make sure we're not overstepping the mark, and to make sure we aren't being unkind in anyway. At the end of the day, we all want what's best for our children/grandchildren, and surely that means having a harmonious relationship with all the in-laws. There's no need to make anyone feel upset, pushed out, jealous ... and there's no need to be over-bearing, over-protective or unkind.

to help with bath time. That is a parent’s job. There is no reason for a grandparent to request time with a naked baby. A DIL would see that as you trying to play mommy with her child, or you being creepy...neither is good

Dear me!

Maymay1963 says:

'our visits are and were ALWAYS within the guidelines'

so, assuming she's in a 'medium risk' area (where indoor visiting is allowed) that may be (technically) true.

However, weekly visits - and ignoring social distancing - still seems selfish and reckless to me.

Why not join all the grandparents who are sticking to Zoom meetings and staying well away from their grandchildren, to be on the safe side?

There are so many red flags here that if you were my MIL, I would pull way back from you. Let me shed some light onto how a DIL might perceive your actions.

You live an hour away, so there is no reason for overnight visits. An hour is a day trip.

You say you want to stay overnight to help with bath time. That is a parent’s job. There is no reason for a grandparent to request time with a naked baby. A DIL would see that as you trying to play mommy with her child, or you being creepy...neither is good.

When you say you decorated a room in your home, do you mean a guest room or a nursery? Because if you set up a nursery in your home for another woman’s child, that is a HUGE no no. You are driving your DIL to take space from you and are risking losing your weekly visits. You are coming on WAY too strong. Back off and give your son’s new family some space, and they will come back to you. Keep pushing and they will keep pulling back.

Some good advice on here.It’s natural to feel a bit jealous I think, but am sure you will see more of the baby as she grows up.For all you know, your DIL may not really want to see quite as much of her Mother either.She may be grateful to you for not constantly wanting to be there.

Harriet4

It’s so hard being the paternal grandparents. You will always feel left out and won’t have such a close relationship with your grandchild. It’s heartbreaking. Yes it’s natural for your DIL to gravitate more towards her own mother especially if their relationship is good, but you are often left out in the cold and rebuffed if you ask to share in your grandchild’s life.
It’s best not to push too much but it is painful when you have overwhelming love for your precious grandchild. You may always be the last resort when they ask for help and feel very left out.
It hurts, because that is where we find ourselves.

This is why you need to build a good relationship with you son and DIL.

Your son will be more willing to invite you over.

A woman on her own time can see whoever she chooses. It’s not a slight against paternal grandparents

Typical!

What? I never saw you sleeping at my nans!
She's mine. Find your own.

Me too MissA!

I used to love sleeping at my nans, and she lived 6 doors away.

However, you just updated again and admitted to decorating a room in your home and buying a cot. You live one hour away, why would this be necessary?

The OP has the right to decorate a room in her own home in any way she chooses; if she wants to put a cot, a futon or a double bed in it, that's her prerogative. But having done that, she can't force anyone to go and sleep in it. As for you live one hour away, why would this be necessary? I live less than 10 minutes away from my GC and they squabble over who's turn it is to have a sleepover at Granny's house!

It’s so hard being the paternal grandparents. You will always feel left out and won’t have such a close relationship with your grandchild. It’s heartbreaking. Yes it’s natural for your DIL to gravitate more towards her own mother especially if their relationship is good, but you are often left out in the cold and rebuffed if you ask to share in your grandchild’s life.
It’s best not to push too much but it is painful when you have overwhelming love for your precious grandchild. You may always be the last resort when they ask for help and feel very left out.
It hurts, because that is where we find ourselves.

I don’t see decorating/having a cot as a huge overstep assuming “you” werent told not to and don’t put pressure/guilt on parents to use it.

My mother had a room set up for my kids, but if she’d every guilted me over them not using it, I’d have told her it was her choice to pay to set it up, not mine.

As a recent new mom, I will tell you that I would have gone nuts if my MIL tried to visit every weekend. I probably would have told her off by the 2nd weekend. New families need time to themselves to adjust, to learn their new normal. Without visitors, even if you consider yourself family and not a visitor. You are a visitor in their home.

Your first update saying that you read the comments & would readjust your expectations was hopeful. However, you just updated again and admitted to decorating a room in your home and buying a cot. You live one hour away, why would this be necessary? Your DIL likely feels like you’ve overstepped. I would if I were her. I’m incredibly close to my parents and even they didn’t do that. Your expectations are much too high. This is THEIR baby, not yours. You need to accept their very reasonable boundaries before you find yourself only being allowed to visit once a quarter.

We have one granddaughter (4y).
Paternal grandmother isn't hands-on involved, her choice, although she's local to them.
We are the maternal grandparents who treat them to holidays, do bathtime and stories (always granddaughter's choice as to who gets the honour!), sleepovers (not currently obviously). We're also the ones at a distance.
Even so we don't visit or them come to us more often than every month to six weeks generally. Daughter and partner both work and have their own things to do at the weekends, as do we.
When we do visit we stay in a hotel so no extra work for them.

Just give your son and daughter-in-law time, let them find their feet and let them set the pace. Make sure when you do go that you take a cake, or offer to treat them to a takeaway or even babysit for the evening, don't forget you're visiting mum and dad as well.
Congratulations to all of you ?

Spot on, dances with others

That jumped out to me too