How to handle an odd situation

I know you live there but Queensland is a huge state and travelling from one end to the other could take 35+ hours by road so unless you know they are fairly near then I wouldn't mention it.

Do you invite them to stay and they refuse or do you wait for them to ask if they can come to visit?

Can you broach the subject with your DS and ask them to visit you after Christmas for a couple of days or do they have to get back to work?
I would ask in a breezy fashion "oh, are you coming near here for Christmas? Any chance you could come to stay afterwards for a couple of days?" and if there is an embarrassed silence, then say, "Never mind, see you next year perhaps".

I agree you should invite yourself to stay with them, or just cut to the chase and ask outright. It’s disgraceful they haven’t been to you for 6 years.
There is that old adage “ a son is a son until he takes a wife but a daughters a daughter all of her life”. She’ll be in charge of their household completely.

red1

your son hasn't visited you in 6 years, yet you visit him every year, surely an imbalance?It sounds like there is something else going on , I would mention it to him, otherwise it will bother you and grow and grow.

I don't think that necessarily means anything. When my children were young my parents visited us far more than we visited them. It was so much easier for them to travel than us. I'm sure when they are older and less mobile we will do the majority of the visiting.

"I hear you're coming to Queensland" - would be followed by "Who said so?" and that would put the child in a spot. Just speak about Christmas plans in general, please.

i don't think it's necessarily selfish to prefer one setting to another. not that we know that is the case here.
but just generally, it's natural that families want to enjoy their holidays in a relaxed setting. and i think they are entitled to do that. some of these discussions about who goes where sound so petty and unpleasant.
i can sympathise more with a lonely isolated person.

Kartush, thank you for taking the time to reply. I hope you enjoy whatever Xmas you end up with!

Hi Kartush I’m just wondering about the geography, if your daughter in law’s family live in south Queensland and you’re further north then maybe they are only planning to travel that far, however if you are further south then it would seem mean to pass you on their way north.
It seems the problem lies with your daughter in law, some can be very selfish and think that only their family counts, maybe time for your son to ‘grow a pair’ as the youngsters say.
I hope you manage to resolve things and see them over the holiday.

how do you get on with DIL.
could that be a reason why they are not keen on visits.

I see no reason why you can't just say you have heard that they may be in Queensland for Christmas and that if it is at all possible, you would love to see them. However, you also need to be able to reassure them if they can't manage a visit that you will be disappointed not to see them but quite understand why it isn't possible. I think, more often than not, people don't like being made to feel guilty or wrong so get defensive if you make a fuss. That causes more hurt all around and bigger issues arise.

It can be difficult when DGC tell you things (or their parents things) to know whether to bring them up. I think asking what plans they have in a general way is best. At 9 your DGD will probably not be wrong but may not know the intricacies of it. DH sister and BiL live in Western Australia. Our visit from UK was cancelled in March due to COVID but they are now not having many restrictions at all as the borders between states were closed and seems to have contained the virus. They are out and about shopping, seeing friends, going to church. Everything really except foreign travel and don't seem to understand our restrictions.

Hithere I guess the reason I initiate the festivities with my girls who live here is they run a very very busy cafe and work 6 days a week so get togethers are difficult for them to plan. When i wrote the post last year I was feeling very sad and I think i allowed that to colour my perspective.
Riggie my son knows they are more than welcome here as I have asked him when he is coming to visit us as he has not yet seen the new house we are now living in ( for 4 years)

I shall try to answer some of your questions.
I do talk to my son but not often as he works long hours and is often tired and to be honest is not a communicative person by nature but I am used to that
The reason that I am reluctant to raise the subject with his is that last year we had plans to visit them for xmas and he seemed very happy about it but when i rang to check details he said sorry but they were not going to be home, he seemed embarrassed to have to tell me and I dont want to have to put him in that position again
We live in Queensland and they live in NSW and right now the borders are open and travel is allowed. My husband refuses to even consider travelling interstate as if new cases of covid are found in NSW the borders can shut again immediately.
They have seen my daughter-in-laws family more often than they have seen us but that does not worry me as her family visits them more often.
I think as some or most of you have suggested I will probably ask him what his plans are, I had intended to call him this weekend to see if the christmas parcel I sent had arrived.
I do appreciate all your input and I am grateful for your kind remarks sometimes it helps to just get someone else’s take on a situation

You say they havent visited you .... but have you asked them? Maybe they havent mentioned the xmas trip because they dont feel welcome to visit you?

Kartush, so this is the second year in a row your gd tells you what they plan to do for xmas

If the adults are not keeping you in the loop, there are so many possibilities: plans are being discussed, a surprise visit may have been spoilt, there could be no surprise visit, etc.
We just dont know what your son and family are thinking.

However, last year, you also brought it up visiting them during xmas and they had other plans - second year you do not seem ti be part of their plans.

There has to be something else going on that factors here.
The relationship with your son and his family seems very once sided, you putting all the effort in initiating and travelling to them.

You also mentioned in a past thread that you are the only one initiating the get togethers also with your daughters, who are local.

Food for thought

Just ask your son, then you'll know and it won't be a big problem!

Do you chat /message regularly with your son ? then why not ask 'what are you doing this xmas'?Not an usual question to ask anyone ? His answer will then give you the way you chose to deal with it.

It seems odd to me that Christmas arrangements have not been mentioned in conversations. There is either a surprise visit in store, or there is no intention of visiting, which is why it is probably better not to mention it. If a surprise is intended, you would spoil it. If there is no intention of visiting and they are not mentioning they are going to be nearby, it sounds as though they are avoiding telling you.

Sorry to disagree with a lot of posts but I don't think you should mention what your GD said, If the relationship is awkward her parents might get annoyed with her for telling you. Just casually ask what they are doing for Christmas.
I agree with the fact that 3 hours is a long journey in the UK but not so in Oz, it is still a lot of driving if they visit you just for the day.

But I would add that we all react differently! I have friends who would be upfront and demand they visit them too! I have friends who would fall out about it. I have other friends who would cut them out of the will ?. You have to do what you are comfortable with x

I would like to think that they are planning a surprise visit to you but I think that GD would have blurted that all out if that was the case.
Personally, I'd Facetime or skype GS and just drop either "what are your plans for Christmas? " if you don't want to confront or "When I spoke to GD she said you were spending Christmas up here, do I need to buy in extra ?" Considering that some of the states in Oz have had parts of them in total lockdown up until fairly recently, I'm surprised they are even considering travelling.
Anyway, if there was a particular reason that they were coming to your state , why would you have not been told?

Firstly, always, always sleep on it for a week before doing anything.

Secondly, I wouldn’t put my son on the spot. Let’s face it, it’s not his decision is it! Our sons are usually told what they are doing and go along with it for a quiet life. Not always but usually. If they are planning to come to you they will tell you. If they don’t tell you they are not planning to come.

You say it is only another 3 hours. But that is 6 hours - both ways. Nobody wants to spend Christmas driving al. Over the place with children.

I understand the initial feeling of rejection and hurt but I would let it go!

You can’t change what they do but you have control over the way you react to it.
It’s taken me years to let things go.

Of course you must ask - maybe just say ‘what are you doing for Christmas?’

In my opinion, to have this kind of information/knowledge from a 9-year old and pretend you don't have it is a recipe for disaster as it will eat away at the relationship. The 9-year old is not likely to have made this up or got it wrong as Christmas is a time which is talked about openly and it would be a big thing for a child not to be at home to open presents on the day so I think the parents will have told her the truth. I don't agree with comments that it's not feasible to combine a visit to both sets of in-laws, especially as there's been no visit for six years which suggests there won't be another for that long. This seems to be a major road trip for the family that will be carefully planned and with adequate time allocated. I can't see it being squeezed in to a few days which would be the excuse of not adding another three hours on their journey. Personally, I would ask your son, there's no need to pussy-foot around. And I would be upfront and say that you'd like him and his family to see how you're living (be at your place) if only for a couple of days.

It’s a difficult one but I’d go for the ‘what are you up to at Christmas? One. I do know exactly how you feel as things like this have have to us in the past. We feel like the ‘other’ grandparents, a wonderful phrase by Bette Middler from the movie Parental Guidance.

I would casually mention to son that your grandchild mentioned they were going to Queensland for Christmas, ask if it would be possible to see you too. Say you’d love them to stay a night or if short on time could you meet up somewhere halfway or even get a hotel near to where they are staying? Remember when people are staying with relatives it’s sometimes difficult to get away so try not to be disappointed if it doesn’t happen. Maybe you need to be a bit more vocal in the future with invites Easter is just a few months away.