How to handle an odd situation

"I hear you're coming to Queensland" - would be followed by "Who said so?" and that would put the child in a spot. Just speak about Christmas plans in general, please.

red1

your son hasn't visited you in 6 years, yet you visit him every year, surely an imbalance?It sounds like there is something else going on , I would mention it to him, otherwise it will bother you and grow and grow.

I don't think that necessarily means anything. When my children were young my parents visited us far more than we visited them. It was so much easier for them to travel than us. I'm sure when they are older and less mobile we will do the majority of the visiting.

I agree you should invite yourself to stay with them, or just cut to the chase and ask outright. It’s disgraceful they haven’t been to you for 6 years.
There is that old adage “ a son is a son until he takes a wife but a daughters a daughter all of her life”. She’ll be in charge of their household completely.

I know you live there but Queensland is a huge state and travelling from one end to the other could take 35+ hours by road so unless you know they are fairly near then I wouldn't mention it.

Do you invite them to stay and they refuse or do you wait for them to ask if they can come to visit?

Can you broach the subject with your DS and ask them to visit you after Christmas for a couple of days or do they have to get back to work?
I would ask in a breezy fashion "oh, are you coming near here for Christmas? Any chance you could come to stay afterwards for a couple of days?" and if there is an embarrassed silence, then say, "Never mind, see you next year perhaps".

to most of us in the UK, 3 hours is a long journey
It's just down the road in Australia.

welbeck i love my daughter-in-law dearly but we do have an odd relationship sometimes she likes me sometimes she doesnt, we are ok at the moment I think. She does however have issues with my girls and she has told me that she hates holidays where all you do is visit with various relatives and unfortunately with my husbands family this can be what happens. So yes looking at it from that perspective I guess a visit here would not be the greatest thing for her.

Kartush - maybe the best thing to do is speak to your son and let him know you’re aware they’re going to be in the area and ask to visit with them, maybe an afternoon somewhere half way?
Like your DIL I would resent spending my valuable holiday time visiting, especially if it’s extended family who I wouldn’t normally have any contact with. It sounds like there are some complex relationships going on in the wider family and they’re maybe just trying to avoid that and enjoy their Christmas without having to deal with your girls who there are issues with or the expectations of your husbands relations.
That said, if you have reasonable expectations - like can we do lunch or dinner and don’t apply pressure to include anyone else then you might be pleasantly surprised.

after thinking hard about it I have decided to do what I always do, which is nothing
I talked it over with my husband and he said if they were planning on coming they will call us or just turn up, if they arent then they wont.
if I call my son and they had no intention of coming then It would probably guilt them into coming and I do not want anyone visiting me out of guilt.
I will have an amazing christmas with my girls and if my son turns up it will only make it better.
and honestly I really cant complain because there are so many of you that dont get to see anyone and that is way worse than my little issue.
thank you for all your support you are all awesome.

Kartush, since you have decided not to ask in any way, I hope you won't spend the Christmas period hanging out for your son to drop by and looking for signs of his arrival. I hope you won't be disappointed when you get to the end of the time frame your son might have stopped by and it hasn't happened (if it doesn't).

If you are going to spend two weeks on tenterhooks just waiting and anticipating the possibility, it might be better to just find out and be done with it. Of course, it is up to you.

If you are like me this situation will make you feel hurt. What I am learning the hard way is the girls call the shots and the sons follow. Just ask him outright if they are coming to Queensland as you have heard a rumor. Tell him you aren't trying to pressure him but just clarifying. Then try not to sound hurt if he says he's not coming.

I have never understood how people just can’t ask their family straightforward questions! My late mother was a bit like that and it drove the rest of us nuts. She had an ongoing feud with her sister in law - my aunt - over a tiny argument between them years before. It wasn’t until mum was practically on her death bed that my aunt rang her, took her out for the day and cleared the air. She also wrote a kind letter. Admittedly mum was a difficult woman and the smallest slight would infuriate her.

I'd just ask " are you doing anything special for Christmas " , one way or the other you'll get your answer.

I think Smileless and others suggestion of a general conversation re Chrustmas makes sense. Hope it works out for you

The child might tell the parents, your DS and DiL, that she has told you. Then it may look weird that you haven’t asked about Christmas Kartush.

Christmas is dynamite country for getting or feeling hurt. Someone else has suggested leave it a week, to reflect on what you will say. And to dampen down hurt feelings when you don’t know yet.

Good luck.

As has been suggested I would go with a general question and depending on the answer you need to have some back up questions on hand.
I once surprised my parents with an unexpected visit from 5,000 miles away. Could be you have a treat in store.

Kartush you say you've decided to say nothing and that reminded me of another saying of my mother's: "Least said, soonest mended".
(My mum was an endless source of old sayings, proverbs and mottos. We used to laugh but most are true!)

I thought that I would just put an update on this. My son messaged me this morning and said they would be in queensland at my daughter-in-laws family for Christmas and new year but would like to come here after new years for a few days. So all is well

That's great!

Brilliant! If only our DC knew the angst they sometimes cause us.

Glad all has turned out well. Enjoy your time with them.

So pleased to have read of the latest turn of events, Kartush. Now you can look forward to seeing all your offspring over an extended period of celebration! Enjoy every minute!

Kartush, I'm so glad to see your update! I was feeling really hurt for you, as things like this happen all too often within families, when one set of parents sometimes get over-looked. I do understand, from both a MiL's and DiL's point of view, as I am indeed both myself, that they often prefer to spend time with their own family, but it doesn't make it any easier for the other parents-in-law. Anyway, all is well that ends well, and you'll get to spend time with them in the New Year, which is something for you to look forward to! Enjoy your time with your family!

Sounds good, keep going with the flow. It’ll be less confrontational for them, and really beneficial for you I would think. Enjoy?

Kartush

I thought that I would just put an update on this. My son messaged me this morning and said they would be in queensland at my daughter-in-laws family for Christmas and new year but would like to come here after new years for a few days. So all is well

Really pleased to read this. It'sorted things out without you having to ask direct questions and maybe getting answers which you didn't want.
Have a lovely time with everybody.

That's brilliant.
My only suggestion now is that you don't go making arrangements for meet-ups with other family members during their stay, unless they expressly ask you to, as you mentioned your DiL doesn't like that.