I need your help

Hi again. Thank you for the new comments It means a lot to me.

OceanMama - I agree and I will think if "helpful" in my situation is what I want. I think I support my daughter by not judging her and supporting her by text when she needs it.

Luckygirl - I hear it all the time not to say anything. I have not done that but sometimes I wonder if I should speak to my daughter about it since we have had a close and good r/s. Is it because so many experience estrangement?

FarNorth YES I would have felt a great pressure. Thank you. I don't think that my desparation is affecting my r/s but it is certaintly affecting me.

Chardy - I hope things are going well for you then.

Marymary62 - Thank you. That was an eyeopener. That you failed to see your daughter had a hard time and the consequences to that. Your expectations must have been adjusted very much. Thank you for your kind words and the encouragement that my grandson will love me back in due course.

Madgran77 Thank you for your support. I agree. When I wrote in this forum I really wanted to know what to do about my struggling. Often it seems to be about ME and yes it is because it is about my feelings. I have had SO many warm, thoughtful and honest suggestions here, so that is way more important than the few harsh ones. But some would want to back off. As you say - it is about HOW you say things. Thanks again.

Babyshark - I think it is like you say. I will try to change my expectations.

I remember when I had my first baby I was almost shocked by the intensity of love my parents had for her. I can’t imagine feeling that level of emotion for any child but my own. I do wonder if your daughter doesn’t understand this and therefore has little motivation to make allowances and more understanding.

The thing is, you can’t change your daughter or make her do anything she doesn’t want to do. The only thing in your power to change is your expectations. Don’t think about your need to visit your grandson, think about how lovely it will be for him to have a relationship with you and for him family to get along.

She came to this board months ago with the same concerns.

I dont doubt she is trying, how successful she is addressing it is more the question you should consider

She came asking for help because she is still struggling. She has demonstrated in her responses that she is thinking, listening, taking comments on board.

How opinions and questions are expressed make SUCH a difference to whether they will be heard or will just cause some one to back off, go defensive, get angry or "feel shamed" [OPs words]!

If one wants to help someone, how things are expressed help one to do that effectively! And I am NOT talking about just agreeing with them or blindly supporting them, if that is not appropriate in providing advice!

Danish grand I know exactly how you feel as I felt this too! My 1st grandson is nearly 3 now. It all felt very visceral when he was born - I think I revisited all the feelings I had when I had my own babies. I have a close relationship with my daughter but I failed to see how hard it was for her as a new mother to balance my ‘needs’ and hers . It was all about my feelings even though I felt I was supporting and helping them. Like you it was me arranging to see her etc and missing them desperately forgetting how difficult life is with a new baby and that certainly must be true this year even more so . It ended up with her saying goodbye to me on Nov 1st saying ‘see you at Christmas’! I was heartbroken ... They came for Christmas and had a lovely time although that 2 month break was awful, we then had a weeks holiday together when g/s was 1, some sporadic visits after that and then Christmas together again and then another holiday (two weeks this time !) by which time grandson was besotted with us and wanted to see us most of the time ! What I’m trying to say is I know how you feel and it is very hard, but your grandchild will love you back in due course and you will be a very special person in his life - so just really try and relax now and look forward to a future together !

My children too had a poor deal from their grandparents, basically 2 dead, 2 apathetic. I just wanted to be the best gran I could be, though I don't live nearby. I told my DDiL this and promised that whatever she wanted me to do, I'd do my best to support her. I told DS the same.

Danishgrand as your daughter's grandparents were not in her life, you also have no experience of those parents / in-laws while you were a young mum.
Try to imagine how you would have felt if they had been pressuring you to see them more often than you'd really like or to arrange regular meetings.
Would you really have been okay with that?
I know it would have made me want to back off from parents like that.

If you are looking at the problem as 'How do I get my daughter to do what I want?' you won't get anywhere.
You need to look at it as 'I have to sort out this desperation because it's not good for anyone.'
If you can't get rid of it, you at least need to stop it from affecting your relationship with your daughter.

I think it is important that you do not tell her how you are feeling as it will put her under pressure and every visit that does happen will carry an emotional load on both sides.

There are GPs here from all over, so don't let that put you off posting here.

A couple of other thoughts:
You said you like to be helpful. Who decides what is helpful? My mother always wanted to be helpful but it wasn't helpful as it was what she had decided would be helpful, not what was actually helpful. Or what I wanted from a relationship with her. It was very hard to stop her being 'helpful' and usually it eventually only happened when I was pushed to put my foot down rather firmly.

Covid has certainly made it harder to start new things. It's harder when we don't know how long it will all last for too.

Hi again everyone.
I believe when someone writes in this forum it is because we need some advice to how to handle a situation/feelings etc. At least that is how I understand a forum.

hithere do you really think that your advice and comments help? I like the honesty of you all, but I don't like to be shamed.

beverly10 you ask how my life was before the arrival of my GC. I had a full life with my husband, work, friends and I have a lot of interests. I saw my daughter every 2nd week. I think the Covid19 situation is a great factor since it is difficult to start up new things and meet new people.

smiless2012 you ask about the GPs of my daughter. My mother and father moved to France when she was little and they were not very interested in her or my sisters children as well. I love my mother, but she is rater distanced. My daughters father cut off the connection with his parents when she was little. My daughter has to step sisters, but do not see them either.

Thank you everyone again for this. I was told that this is a British forum. I thought it was USA.

janeainsworth

Are you as harsh in your judgements of people in RL as you are on here, hithere?

Or just to grandparents ?

my apologies for misspelling your name

Danushgrand you said you D didn't have a connection with her own GP's, can you say why?

Danishgrand
What was your life before DGS came into the world?How did you fill the hours?

We all have needs.Some easily accomodated.Others not so
The past months have been a challenge and looks to be an even greater one with cases of Covid again on the rise.
Have we not learned?
As much as my life and other lives have been disrupted, not able to do this musn't do that then until we accept as those who remember /lived /learned through ww11. freedom comes with a price .

She came to this board months ago with the same concerns.

I dont doubt she is trying, how successful she is addressing it is more the question you should consider

Hithere
Just back off a bit. The woman's having a hard time but really trying.
Danishgrand keep trying, you'll get there in the end. Patience, that's all you need ?

Nadateturbe said -
When my daughter had no children she visited me often (an hours flight). She sent me presents all the time. We did so much together. I know she still loves me but her children come first now.
And you said your relationship was like that.

It sounds to me that your daughter was putting a lot of energy into meeting your needs, if so.
She now doesn't have that energy available for you.

When you speak with your daughter, focus on her not you and definitely not on your wish to see your GS.

Be interested in her life, ask if she needs any help.
Don't expect change, re seeing your GS, just change your attitude to improve your relationship with your daughter.

I think counselling could be a good idea to help you work out why you have this 'desperation' and how you might deal with it.
It is not a reasonable way to feel and it is spoiling your relationship with your daughter and spoiling your own life.

Are you as harsh in your judgements of people in RL as you are on here, hithere?

So you know what the issues may be, not want... autocorrect ?

"During the last months I have looked at the fact that I have dependency issues or that I am too needy and yes I think I am on the needy side. But... I try to do something about it, so it is not all about me."

So you know want the issues may be but it's not all about you?

You are lacking accountability here.
Yes, it is all about you and what you can do about it

Next paragraphs are excuses how you want to be helpful, etc.... so basically dependency and neediness are no longer an issue?

"I have offered my help and I have made food for my daughters family because I saw that they had a hard time with the baby. That is something every person would do, I think."

Did your daughter ask for the food?

"I agree I had some expectations that I have to let go of. In this forum often it seems like neediness and sure it is sometimes, but not always. We are human beings with issues and feelings."

Human beings manage their feelings. Another excuse for your needy and entitled behaviour

"My daughter is not feeling a pressure from me, I think. She is good to say no. But... if she often says no, then it is a pressure, I can see that."
So is she or she isn't? What is it?

She is, big time.
It is very well transmitted in your posts, there is no way it can be hidden in person.

Again, why was it hard to schedule visits with your daughter for 5.5 years (pre baby)?

Thank you for getting back to us Danishgrand I hope things improve for you, often its easier from someone on the outside to see where the difficulties might lie so glad we could help.
Your English is very good by the way, I'm sure I would not be able to write so well under pressure.

Thank you so much, nadateturbe for your kind reply. It is helpful to hear your experience. My r/s was like yours so I can relate very much.

I don't think you're being needy and it sounds like you have tried to be helpful.
When my daughter had no children she visited me often (an hours flight). She sent me presents all the time. We did so much together. I know she still loves me but her children come first now.
Things won't be the same. Its a time of adjusting to change. I'm sure your daughter is just doing her best as a new parent. You are very lucky to have a full life. Please don't risk making your daughter feel guilty. I'm sure things will change a bit in the future but the relationship won't go back to what it was.

Dear all of you. THANK YOU SO MUCH. Thank you for the time you you have taken to reply to my post. I am so touch.

And you have so many good comments and suggestions that I will for sure be able to change my attitude in the future. At least I hope I will.

This is my first GC and therefore a new land for me. Yes, I live in Denmark and the lock down has not been as in USA - I feel for you all. However, the possibility to meet new people or start something new has been limited, so that may be a factor as well in all this.

During the last months I have looked at the fact that I have dependency issues or that I am too needy and yes I think I am on the needy side. But... I try to do something about it, so it is not all about me.

I have offered my help and I have made food for my daughters family because I saw that they had a hard time with the baby. That is something every person would do, I think.

I agree I had some expectations that I have to let go of. In this forum often it seems like neediness and sure it is sometimes, but not always. We are human beings with issues and feelings.

I think you have so many fantastic attitudes: What you can do for the young family, to wait in the background, to not expect anything. I can learn from that.

My daughter is not feeling a pressure from me, I think. She is good to say no. But... if she often says no, then it is a pressure, I can see that.

I will read your comments again. You are all fantastic and I am very very grateful for your warm attitude, honesty and the way you all are sharing your point of you. THANK YOU SO MUCH. I feel much better now.

I hope you all will be able to see your GC in the nearest future. Warm thoughts to you all from me ....Danishgrand

PS: I hope you understand my English.

I am wondering whether the intensity of your emotions about this is scaring your DD off - too much of a burden for her to take responsibility for.

I have 7 GC aged from 17 to 5 and I can honestly say that I have never once got in touch with family and said that I am desperate to see the GC; never tried to create a timetable of visits; never asked for the things you are asking for.

I hate to sound as though I am a boring paragon of virtue, but my contacts with them all have centred around what I can do for them - it would not have occurred to me to approach it in any other way. I also feel very strongly that they have their own lives to lead, their own family rituals to create that they can look back on with joy.

I know that I am not alone in this - there are so many grans on here who take exactly the same approach.

Maybe I have just been lucky in having DDs who want me to be part of their children's lives; but I really do not see that as a right. They know that I genuinely respect their autonomy and right to bring up their children as they wish - and that includes deciding how much contact they have with me and the other grandparents.

I am aware that this post might sound nauseatingly self-satisfied, and I apologise for that; but it has worked for me, and I would like to think that maybe it might work for you. I do think that your desperation might be a put-off for your DD.

I am sorry that you feel like this and it is making you sad; I hope that you might be able to make things better for all of you by taking some of the emotional heat out of the situation. I agree that counselling might help - sometimes a counsellor can add a new perspective that you might find helpful.