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I need your help

(45 Posts)
Danishgrand Fri 01-Jan-21 12:37:57

I wrote a post 6 month ago when my GS was only 2 weeks old. I have learnt a lot from your comments and I have been working on letting go of the wish to see my grandson more.
But I still feel bad and unhappy and I would like to hear your experiences/thoughts about the following:
- It is always me suggesting to come for a short visit and I never know if it will be accepted.
- I get nearly desparate since I never know when to see my GS next. This is my issue but I don't know how to live with it. I would be so happy if for instance I had an appointment every 14 days but my daughter will not go into that
- My daughter and husband are not very social and my daughter had no connection with her own grandparents. It seems like she cannot understand/is not aware of my caring to see my GC. .Is it possible to be "free" of all that dispair of longing for something that seem not to change?
I have focus on all the good things in life .. my husband, his adult children, my friends and hobbies but it seems that I have reach a point when I cannot live with this sadness. I wish I could let go... sometimes I wish that I did'n care that much and I get angry with the fact that I means so little in my daughters life eventhough we have had a wonderful r/s before. I miss her and her husband and the little one.
I hope I have explained myself well enough. It may be misunderstood the written word. Thanks for reading this

Alexa Fri 01-Jan-21 12:47:15

Danishgrand, the way to deal with everlasting disappointment is as follows.

When the sad feelings and thoughts come , think to yourself
" I have thought these thoughts and felt these feelings many times before. I know what happens next. I feel sad and bitter until I do something else that takes up my attention. "

As time passes you will become more and more able to pay less attention to these unhappy thoughts and feelings, and then you will be happy again.

geekesse Fri 01-Jan-21 12:47:47

This post is all about you, what you want, how you feel. Can you not see how that is a problem? I can understand why your daughter, who has plenty on her hands with a baby, doesn’t have the time or energy to deal with you and your needs as well.

Let go. Back off. Find other things to do with your time and wait until you have something positive to offer to a relationship rather than this neediness.

grannyactivist Fri 01-Jan-21 12:59:40

I love my grandchildren very much, but I rarely see some of them due to the fact they live so far away. The distance hasn't stopped me from having wonderful relationships with them though. I am sure that in the future you will be able to enjoy that too.

In pre-covid times I saw my youngest grandson very infrequently, but because I regularly speak with my daughter on FaceTime the little one was used to hearing me and seeing me on screen. In the past year I've only seen him in person twice, but he tells his mummy to call me when he wants to talk to me, which he does about twice in a three week period; he's only two and a half.

Young families are caught up in the business of everyday life and it's my role to be there for my children as and when they need me - and when I need them to be (I have a lot of ill health) they are there for me too.

When my grandchildren were small my primary relationship was with their parents, my sons and daughters especially. I saw it as my job to encourage them, to be responsive to their needs and situations and offer what support they needed. As my grandchildren have grown I naturally developed close bonds with them too, because of the relationship I have with their parents.

bridie54 Fri 01-Jan-21 13:00:55

Oh Danishgrand I feel for you as I too miss my grandchildren. But they are in New Zealand, long story but I have little contact with them. I don’t feel you are being selfish or needy. It’s natural to want to see your grandchildren but at least you can,
so enjoy the visits however they come. Maybe when this crazy time settles down with the vaccine rollout things will improve.

janeainsworth Fri 01-Jan-21 13:03:45

Danishgrand I understand how disappointed you feel.
But I’m afraid we all have to accept that when our DC have their own families, they are exactly that - their families, not ours.
If you’ve had a good relationship with your daughter in the past, I’m sure it can’t be that you mean little to her now.
This year has been a difficult one for everyone - maybe your daughter has found new motherhood tough & just can’t see further ahead than making the next meal, let alone deciding what she’s doing a fortnight ahead.
Perhaps you could shift your focus from the baby to your daughter? Maybe she feels as though you’re only interested in the baby & not interested in her.
Instead of asking to see the baby, ask if you could go round and take them a meal you’ve prepared, or do the ironing, or take your grandson out for a walk in his stroller to give your daughter some time to herself.
I hope you feel better soon.

Fuchsiarose Fri 01-Jan-21 13:10:03

I dont feel its needy to want to see or hear about grandkids. It sounds from your post that the baby is about 6 or 7 months old. I remember when my baby, was 6 months old. I did not want to share her. Behaved like a lioness with her cub, plus I was breastfeeding. This was an anxious time for me, being the best earth mother I could be. Covid made all relationships unsteady, and left us all wanting. Bide your time, it will eventually happen

TrendyNannie6 Fri 01-Jan-21 13:27:54

I think you have to accept that they will do what they want to do, as they have their own little unit! I don’t see one set of my grandchildren very often at all, but I don’t make waves, I see them when I see them, yes we keep in contact it’s how they are as parents, they have their own lives to lead, of course I would love to see them more,but you can’t run their lives nor would I want to, I make the most of it when I do see them, I’m sad that you say you feel really desperate, I don’t mean this unkindly at all so please don’t take it this way, but you do sound quite needy! I think you need to try and find a way of dealing with this in any way you possibly can, you are saying you can’t live with this sadness and I feel sad that you are feeling this way, the trouble is though danishgrand if you push these thoughts onto your daughter it’s not going to get better, as she has her little family unit and you have to realise that they will come first, it doesnt mean your daughter thinks any less of you, I hope you can find a happy place in all this,

sodapop Fri 01-Jan-21 13:28:45

Sorry but I agree with geekesse your daughter has started her own family now and needs space to enjoy that. I really don't understand why you feel so 'desperate' about seeing your grandson Danishgrand your post does seem rather centred on you.
I would take a step back now and reduce your expectations. Maybe your daughter would appreciate some help with housework or cooking so she can spend time with her baby.
Don't lose sight of all the other good things in your life, husband, hobbies, other children.
You may find your relationship with your daughter and consequently your grandson improves if you step back a little.

Bibbity Fri 01-Jan-21 14:18:09

What tier are you both in?
I have to be honest if I were her nobody would be visiting at all at this time.

silverlining48 Fri 01-Jan-21 14:23:25

Danishgrand it is hard to be the one who seems to be suggesting meeting, it makes one feel needy, which makes things worse. I wonder if you have friends etc who see a lot of their grandchildren. I know I have so that seems worse because you feel it’s only you, but it isn’t. I do understand.

Redhead56 Fri 01-Jan-21 14:26:25

Text and ring your daughter to ask how they all are. As sometimes it can be difficult to adjust with a new baby. Offer help and ask if there is anything they need or you can get them.
It is difficult getting the balance right with married children. You may feel you had your nose pushed out as they become a family unit. But trust me when they need your help they will ask. In the meantime get on with your life as time will heal your feelings of sadness.

Lucca Fri 01-Jan-21 14:55:16

Maybe danishgrand is in fact in Denmark ? I don’t know what their Covid situation is.
My advice for what it’s worth is the same as most other posters. Basically don’t push it !

Lolo81 Fri 01-Jan-21 16:04:28

You say you had a wonderful relationship before, before what? Before her child was born?
Things change for a person when they become a parent - that baby comes first and we are living in scary times for a new mum.

You are obviously feeling resentful, but in the long term this will only hurt you. Each visit it seems is marred by you expecting to set up the next one. Try to enjoy your time with your family. No-one has an enjoyable visit if it’s full of anxiety - and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy, you won’t get as many visits if no-one enjoys them and it’s stressful.

I would also encourage you to look back at your post you say you’re “desperate” and “cannot live with the sadness”, that’s a hell of a lot of negative emotion. Seeing a wee baby shouldn’t be the crux of your emotional stability. Yes you miss them, yes it’s sad, but your mental state should not rely on your access to someone else’s child. You have not been cut out - you do have access, just not as much as you would like, but you are not this child’s parent, they don’t need you. Being a grandparent is a privilege not a right and should be enjoyable for the whole family. The idea of a standing appointment may not be suitable for your DD - and your approach makes it sound like some sort of custody agreement - it’s v v strange.
Maybe work on being more supportive to DD, giving her a call or text for a chat about her (not the baby, not how much you miss the baby, not how much you want to see the baby), try and remember how you communicated before the baby was born.

Personally I had people in my life that made me feel like a walking incubator when I was pregnant and then like a warden when I had my DC - not one of them asked about me or wanted to have a general chat - they just wanted access to my babies. It’s not a v nice feeling.

GagaJo Fri 01-Jan-21 16:57:44

I only saw my mum once every 4-6 weeks while my daughter was young. Less as she got older. My mum was OK with that.

In the past I saw my grandson daily, because they lived with me. Now, I haven't seen him for 5 months due to covid. I hate it, but it can't be helped.

Hithere Fri 01-Jan-21 19:06:22


You still need to adjust your expectations.
All I read is me me me.
Having a custody like agreement with grandparents for visits is not common at all and is a red flag

You mentioned in your previous post that on the last 5.5 years, it is hard to coordinate a visit with your daughter

Why is that? A baby is not going to change that, if anything, your daughter is busier and with less time for social activities.

What is the full background?

welbeck Fri 01-Jan-21 19:25:48

i may be wrong but, to cut to the chase, you sound unhealthily obsessed with seeing your GS.
that is a heavy load to put on him and his family, ie his parents. you are not part of that circle.
what about your husband, how does he feel about all this. and has he suddenly become not enough for you emotionally. he is the one you chose to marry.
is he not interesting enough now because not as cute as a baby. you may regret taking him for granted.
sorry if i sound harsh but you have asked these questions before. do you think you would benefit from some kind of counselling.

OceanMama Fri 01-Jan-21 21:34:21

I'd like to speak to this: my daughter had no connection with her own grandparents. It seems like she cannot understand/is not aware of my caring to see my GC.

Don't under-estimate the power of this. I had no connection with my grandparents. Grandparents were something other people had. My parents' choice for us not to have grandparents in my life made me internalise, unconsciously, that it isn't necessary to have grandparents. Having seen no example of the role grandparents played and having seen my mother do it all herself, I did everything myself. Your daughter's social learning about the place of grandparents will be hard to overcome. Probably she doesn't know where grandparents fit herself.

I know my views on grandparents have been a source of frustration to my own mother at times but it's the lesson she taught me and the example she set.

Urmstongran Fri 01-Jan-21 21:50:58

I didn’t have grandparents in my life as a youngster. 3 had died by the time I was 4y old. Didn’t stop me loving to see my lovely mum bonding regularly with her granddaughters so no, I don’t think it’s a learned response.

OceanMama Fri 01-Jan-21 22:32:21


I didn’t have grandparents in my life as a youngster. 3 had died by the time I was 4y old. Didn’t stop me loving to see my lovely mum bonding regularly with her granddaughters so no, I don’t think it’s a learned response.

I think it might be different when they have died. You can't have a relationship with someone who has died. It's just not an option. When they are alive and well and your parents have chosen to not have them involved in your life (in my case, distance, not estrangement), it does set a different example.

My own parents did see my children regularly but I did move far away myself. This decision was definitely easier since I was just following example. Having not had grandparents myself I didn't second guess doing so the way I think I would have if I'd had an extended family experience.

Luckygirl Fri 01-Jan-21 22:35:22

I am wondering whether the intensity of your emotions about this is scaring your DD off - too much of a burden for her to take responsibility for.

I have 7 GC aged from 17 to 5 and I can honestly say that I have never once got in touch with family and said that I am desperate to see the GC; never tried to create a timetable of visits; never asked for the things you are asking for.

I hate to sound as though I am a boring paragon of virtue, but my contacts with them all have centred around what I can do for them - it would not have occurred to me to approach it in any other way. I also feel very strongly that they have their own lives to lead, their own family rituals to create that they can look back on with joy.

I know that I am not alone in this - there are so many grans on here who take exactly the same approach.

Maybe I have just been lucky in having DDs who want me to be part of their children's lives; but I really do not see that as a right. They know that I genuinely respect their autonomy and right to bring up their children as they wish - and that includes deciding how much contact they have with me and the other grandparents.

I am aware that this post might sound nauseatingly self-satisfied, and I apologise for that; but it has worked for me, and I would like to think that maybe it might work for you. I do think that your desperation might be a put-off for your DD.

I am sorry that you feel like this and it is making you sad; I hope that you might be able to make things better for all of you by taking some of the emotional heat out of the situation. I agree that counselling might help - sometimes a counsellor can add a new perspective that you might find helpful.

Danishgrand Sat 02-Jan-21 06:09:23

Dear all of you. THANK YOU SO MUCH. Thank you for the time you you have taken to reply to my post. I am so touch.

And you have so many good comments and suggestions that I will for sure be able to change my attitude in the future. At least I hope I will.

This is my first GC and therefore a new land for me. Yes, I live in Denmark and the lock down has not been as in USA - I feel for you all. However, the possibility to meet new people or start something new has been limited, so that may be a factor as well in all this.

During the last months I have looked at the fact that I have dependency issues or that I am too needy and yes I think I am on the needy side. But... I try to do something about it, so it is not all about me.

I have offered my help and I have made food for my daughters family because I saw that they had a hard time with the baby. That is something every person would do, I think.

I agree I had some expectations that I have to let go of. In this forum often it seems like neediness and sure it is sometimes, but not always. We are human beings with issues and feelings.

I think you have so many fantastic attitudes: What you can do for the young family, to wait in the background, to not expect anything. I can learn from that.

My daughter is not feeling a pressure from me, I think. She is good to say no. But... if she often says no, then it is a pressure, I can see that.

I will read your comments again. You are all fantastic and I am very very grateful for your warm attitude, honesty and the way you all are sharing your point of you. THANK YOU SO MUCH. I feel much better now.

I hope you all will be able to see your GC in the nearest future. Warm thoughts to you all from me ....Danishgrand

PS: I hope you understand my English.

nadateturbe Sat 02-Jan-21 06:50:31

I don't think you're being needy and it sounds like you have tried to be helpful.
When my daughter had no children she visited me often (an hours flight). She sent me presents all the time. We did so much together. I know she still loves me but her children come first now.
Things won't be the same. Its a time of adjusting to change. I'm sure your daughter is just doing her best as a new parent. You are very lucky to have a full life. Please don't risk making your daughter feel guilty. I'm sure things will change a bit in the future but the relationship won't go back to what it was.

Danishgrand Sat 02-Jan-21 08:55:44

Thank you so much, nadateturbe for your kind reply. It is helpful to hear your experience. My r/s was like yours so I can relate very much.

sodapop Sat 02-Jan-21 09:12:27

Thank you for getting back to us Danishgrand I hope things improve for you, often its easier from someone on the outside to see where the difficulties might lie so glad we could help.
Your English is very good by the way, I'm sure I would not be able to write so well under pressure.