Grandparent worries about grandchild

My grandaughter like SuzyC's had an awful father. He was violent always angry and drank too much. Her mother eventually divorced him I looked after my grandaughter whilst she was growing, I remember when she used to arrive, she would sit down and let out a big sigh. I asked why she sighed, she replied, because I feel safe at your house Nanny. It was a sigh of relief. It;s lovely to see what a wonderful mother she is to her two children I asked her the other day. 'How have you grown into such lovely person? ' Her answer was. ' It's because of you Nanny.' So SuzyC be there for your grandaughter, love, and support her, all will come right in the end.

Ellie666 and ajswan it's all very well confronting the daughter but what do you suggest if she decides to pull all ties with DM and not allow her to see DGD who does DGD have then to turn to especially if things escalate. If theres a worry of abuse then yes go to the authorities but you can't do a lot about DM giving more attention to new partner, l would try to have DGD as much as possible to give her a happy place to be.

I agree with Ellie666 on this one . Your granddaughter is telling you how unhappy she is and no doubt is expecting you to act upon it , she is putting her trust in you , hoping that you can sort this situation out for her , so how can you therefore sit back and say nothing ? What’s the matter with you , pussy footing around over something that matters so deeply to your granddaughter , that’s making her so unhappy. Do something for her for goodness sake .

Such a sad situation and really tough. It's terribly important to be there for your granddaughter, a support and a place of sanctuary. But, her mother has to realise the damage she is doing her own daughter. I would seek professional advice if you are unsure of exactly what to do. I have friends, who's son got involved with a women with two children. She quickly had another two with my friend's son. Things were fine for a time, but both became heavily into drugs, and she an alcoholic When our friend's son tried to extricate himself from her, she threatened to tell the police (falsely) my friend's husband had sexually assaulted her purely because he was trying to drive his son away from her house and on another occasion she threw herself in front of the car as my friend was trying to remove him from the house, once again, after he rang her in a panic saying she refused to let him out. He finally managed to leave and had all four children removed (two eldest are with her parents, two youngest with our friends). Their son went to prison for drugs offences and only the briefest access to his children. The mother can see them once a fortnight, but often arrives drunk or drugged, so my friend refuses to let her in. The children do not want to see her. At the time, my friend was in her late 60s and her husband was 70. They had to become the legal guardians of a 2 year old and a 4 year old to prevent them going into care. They've had to sacrifice their retirement to raise and protect them. Their social lives have ended as all their friends are off enjoying the freedoms of their own retirement after raising families. I've told this tale to highlight how, when your son/daughter chooses a bad partner, can impact heavily upon grandparents. My friends will have full responsibility for the children and face coping with teenagers in their 80s, if they live that long.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Listen to your granddaughter without critcising her mother as everyone else is saying.

Give her the attention that is lacking at home.

Obviously, we would all like to think that every child gets the attention she or he needs at home, but that is not how the world works.

I wouldn't rock the boat by saying anything to your DD.

Like her, I fell for a man to whom I am happily married, but whom my family didn't like at first. Indeed my mother and her sister never really like DH, although my father and sister came to like him.

This makes me wonder if you are justified in believing that your daughter has become more selfish since she met her partner. Might she just be trying to avoid contact with her relations who have made it clear they do not care for the man in her life?

She is in a very difficult position, as I know to my cost. You don't stop loving your family because they have made it plain that they don't care for your husband, but you do tend to mimimize contact with them rather than have to listen to their criticisms all the time.

I know you didn't really ask for advice about your relationship with your daughter and her partner, so forgive me if I am treading on your toes. I just feel that if this man is part of your daughter's life, it would help both her and your granddaughter, who I gather is not his child if you would try to accept him.

I agree with the “ namby pamby posters. To just barge in confronting everyone could do irreparable damage. It could be made ten times worse for the grandchild, and she IS her mother’s daughter, not * Suzy’s*. If you think it is really serious Suzy then contact Social Services. We really need to know her age. Is this just a teenage strop? I had plenty of those, and went to my granny, but it was all normal. Please tread carefully, otherwise you could find yourself out of her life forever.

There isn't any talk of abuse, neglect or family estrangement here. The child's mother has a new partner, that's affected the once close relationship between the child and her mum, as well as between mum and her mum, the OP.
The new partner is described as selfish, not aggressive, abusive or neglectful.
So I'm another with the namby pamby posters who say the OP is doing the best thing by continuing to look after her grandaughter when mum is at work. Carry on providing loving care, listening with empathy and making sure that if there is more that the little girl hasn't yet talked about, the opportunity is there. Being a loving, calm and consistent presence is one of the most important things grandparents offer.

Depends what the child is saying. If she is unhappy because mummy is too preoccupied with her new man or because he is not likeable, all you can do is provide a listening ear and a safe haven. Have the child at your house as much as possible. If the man is selfish, and your DD is acting selfishly too, they will be only too glad for you to provide lots of childcare.

You could try hinting to your DD but you would have to do it very delicately, because you don't want to jeopardise your access to the child.

However, if there's anything at all which makes you suspect that there is abuse of any sort - physical, psychological or sexual - you have a legal and moral duty to report it. You have to contact social services. There are too many cases of grandparents and biological fathers lamenting the abuse of a vulnerable child, when it's much too late.

I don't think we have enough information to suggest radical approaches here. Being a support to the Grandchild without taking sides is most important. I am married to the most lovely man who my child resented enormously, mostly because he was a loving father to his kids and her's wasn't. Nearly 30 years on, my mother sings his praises but when my daughter was younger, she not only sympathised with my daughter's complaints but agreed with many of them. In doing so, she gave my daughter an unbalanced view of fairness but also undermined my role as someone she could trust. Not only did it damage my daughter's relationship with me, it caused issues which will be life long for my daughter. It was not helpful at all.
If you are really concerned that your granddaughter is deeply unhappy or even just a teenager's moaning that needs to be listened to, I would suggest that she gets assistance through the school's counselling services or somewhere like "Off the Record" who deal with unhappy, young people. An independent, professional, person will have the tools to see what is a serious problem and what it the norm. It will also give your granddaughter someone else to talk to in the event of your access being cut or reduced.
We all want to help our grandchildren as much as we can but we must make sure that our antipathy for their "step-parent" doesn't colour our reactions and that is not easy to do.

Sadly our children are ours, part of us, family until they meet their partners. We then have to learn how to share, to take a second place in their lives. We may not like, we may actually hate, what we see they do not. Those pent up emotions, doubts, inuendos, criticism is hard to bury, harder to as one would say button one's mouth. If you do, they will support the person they believe they are in "love with", and you just lose brownie points. We as parents are there to pick up the pieces once they face the reality that their marriage is a sham and they wish to part. Just keep your cool. Regarding the Granddaughter, she may be unhappy because she is having to share her mother's love and attention. I brought up 2 stepchildren, it is not an easy road as there is always a phantom third person in their lives their mother, although their mother just left them. Maybe the Granddaughter is just resentful that her world has changed,

SuzyC
Whose view /opinion is it that the man in your DD life is all you say he is. What evidence do you need other than for DD, who has made clear better having him with her than on her own.Is your DGD safe in his presence has she ever given you cause to beleive otherwise.
It is not your life so allow DD to live hers making sure she is aware yourself and others in the family are there for her, if, and when ever needed .

you could mention it at her nursery or school . they have connections with social workers .you can check up on the man your d is living with . thats what sara's law is for .......but if not just be there for her when she does finally smell the coffee... but if in doubt say something ,dont just let things roll. have you tried talking to d that she is neglecting her child .

The answer would be different dependent upon the age of the child, but it sounds as though this is a young child.

Just as domestic abuse between adults isn't only physical, neither is child abuse. If the child came to you with bruises, saying that the mother had caused them, I would hope you wouldn't just ignore them, but would take action.

The child appears to be telling you often how unhappy she is, and each time she does, this is building up a picture of that child's lived experience. Ongoing emotional neglect can carry its effects into adulthood.

As Grandparent2 says, you need to listen to the voice of the child - and that voice is telling you how unhappy she is.

It may well be that the situation isn't as bad as she's telling you, and that once her mother is aware of how she's feeling, she can put things right. But if the little girl is telling a trusted adult that things aren't right, and that adult isn't doing anything, then this could make her feel that she's not important. And she is. She's the most important one in this scenario.

There is no mention of the child's father. What is his role in his her life? Is he aware of how unhappy she is? If he has any role at all, he needs to be aware.

Totally agree with Ellie 666 and ajswan. I am in a position as a grandparent, whereby I have experienced the total farce of the 'intervention' of SS and Social Workers with regards to the safety of my grandchildren. The parents have manipulated the children to say things to the social worker which are blatantly untrue but leaves the children in a no win situation. The social workers are primed to 'believe the child' to the extent that they turn a blind eye to their own instincts and common sense. When faced with manipulative parents, grandparents are on a hiding to nothing where social workers are involved. No one (social workers etc) will entertain my grave concerns and I am forced to stand by and imagine what my grandchildren are going through. Who do I go to for help when the social workers have the last say? I am literally going out of my mind with worry. We have had to fight for contact in the courts (and got it) but the parents have cut off every means of contact (now via electronic means due to Covid).

Frogs sorry you have had a negative experience with social workers. I don’t know the details but if they are talking to the children who don’t express worries or problems then what are they supposed to do. They will have contacted other authorities involved as part of the assessment and are trained to use different methods of age related communication with children. They cannot go on instinct alone.
It can be a thankless job I did it for 20 years. All I know is most do their very best. Damned if they do and damned if they don’t.

Support for silverlinging48's comments.

Keep on doing what you do for your DGD. Don’t say anything to your daughter, it might create a difficult situation, wait for her to come to you. If your D is getting angry with your DGD when she tries to tell her she is unhappy it might be because your D is feeling unhappy and trapped and cannot either get away or see a way out. I know, I have been there. Good luck.

Silverlining48. I've obviously hit a nerve. As you said, you don't know the details. This is my first experience of social workers and hopefully my last. I can imagine it is a thankless job. But it was your job and if it was so unpleasant why stay in it for 22 years? Are all social workers quite happy to take everything at face value without looking beneath the surface? I have no idea if they're all like that but if they are, God help the children of this country.

Social workers are used to being dismissed as not very bright, lacking in common sense, compassion or indeed any of the ordinary human characteristics that others they share this planet with are imbued with.
are all social workers quite happy to take everything at face value without looking beneath the surface?. What kind of answer do you expect to that Frogs?