Mum Looking For Grans Advice

Personally I would be very suspect in his desire to be alone with her. This is the social worker in me talking. I share the concerns about the health issues but would have to question the persistent desire to be alone with her. I would say do not allow this please.

Trust your instincts, you are mum and you know what is right for your baby,
You don't seem to want to leave your baby alone with him so that's what you should avoid doing.

Is the heavy drinking openly acknowledged, or do you all politely ignore it? Does he sit with a glass in his hand and a bottle at his side, or does he secretly go for a refill or even drink secretly?
A sip of whisky at bedtime isn't exactly anything to worry about but if he's drunk before lunch then you're in trouble.
His wanting to be alone with her sounds more sinister however - is that what you really mean? That he's not happy just talking baby talk with her in a room full of people -- does he actually want to be alone in another room with a baby girl?
That is the elephant in the room.
Stay away from this man.

I stopped reading when you wrote he almost crashed your child

Fil is out of the picture, to revisit babysitting till:
1. He is one year sober
2. Apologizes for his lack of safety and putting your child in danger
3. He doesnt ask for babysitting, he waits for you to initiate

Now the bad news, your mil.
Are they still married and live in the same house? If so, she could leave your child with fil to make him happy, she could leave your child with him and not tell you

You are way under reacting- i would stop visits with fil till he is sober and depending on mil's behaviour, just supervised for her.

Your fil almost harmed your child more than once, he could kill your baby!

Six months from now your DD will be crawling/possibly walking, and real little wriggle-bum. How on earth can your FiL, overwaeight and a heavy drinker, even pretend that he could cope with a normal toddler, they wriggle, run or crawl away from fit healthy alert parents and put themselves at risk.

Your FiL sees your daughter 3-4 times a week? He shouldn't be complaining about babysitting and the like he should be on his knees thanking you for being able to see her so often. A very large proportion of grandparents, would consider such access heaven. For all sorts of reasons, distance, illness and, sadly, in some cases, estrangement many grandparents are lucky to see them once a month. My DGC live 200 miles away. We have a close relationship with parents and children and, even without COVID, we have only ever seen them every month to 6 weeks.

So glad to hear this Sienmum. Never worry about causing’ irreparable damage’. If that happens....so be it. The absolute priority is your daughter. Everything else pales into insignificance. All the best ?

Thank you so much for all of your helpful and kind advice. I am so grateful for the quick and well thought out responses. I feel so validated and supported by women i dont know and love you all for it. To answer some questions -

Yes i exclusively breastfeed and my daughter refuses the bottle - this has been godsend in this drama. FIL has expressed his frustration about this and has also said 'theres nothing wrong with formula' - so very supportive.

In regards to restrictions, I live in Northern Ireland and we are allowed to visit one household as part of our 'bubble' which is my in laws house - they are 5 minutes up the road by car.

I am still on maternity leave, my MIL is a housewife and FIL has been working from home the past year. He works in sales and only needs to make/receive a few calls a day to get the job done. I guess this exacerbates things as he may feel that our close proximity and all his available time at home means he should be seeing her more.

In regards to the sensitive topic of a man needing alone time with his GD - i am so thankful i hear an echo to my own thoughts in this forum. I was too afraid to say this in my initial post as it is so awful to consider. I REALLY hate this part of my conundrum. I had to tell my H as he kept taking my daughter to a back room of the house to rock her on the bed when she was crying and it made me so uncomfortable. My H was understandably upset by the insidious nature of my concern but followed my FIL down on a few occasions to 'check in' on him. In the end he was always just perched on the edge of the bed rocking my D as he is unable to do so on other chairs in the house - also related to his physical abilities affected by his weight. I still do not feel confident though about his need to be alone with her and i know that for me to make any mention of this to my FIL would cause irreparable damage to our relationship.

I think following what i have read from you all i will stick to my guns. I have looked up assertiveness training resources today and aim to put boundaries in practice - i am so bad at this! Hopefully the boundaries discussion can be a productive one.

I haven't seen my grandchildren in months due to lockdown. We missed Christmas and the country's been locked down ever since. Why would you need a baby sitter anyway, I presume you're not working, you can't go out to 'shop' in the way we used to, if you want to go for a walk you would surely take her with you? Why does he think you need a sitter?
However apart from breaking the 'rules' and seeing his g daughter, this man is wanting to look after the little girl alone, and I ask myself WHY? Why alone? Where will the grandmother be?
If you are happy about the welfare issues, ask yourself 'how will he manage nappy changes'? Could you manage to engineer a time when she has a particularly dirty stinky nappy, and offer to 'show' him how to change a modern nappy (they will have changed from when his children were small) and see if he finds this disgusting or a reason for delight? His reaction may give some clues.

Pretty consistent message absolutely to go with your instinct Sienmum but I'm wondering how you are seeing them 3 or 4 times a week in lockdown? Are you in the UK?

geekesse

Call me suspicious...

When an older man is pushing hard for time alone with a small child, I’d be asking myself what his motives are... He sees this child frequently enough with family members around, so why does it have to be ‘alone’?

You and me both Geekesse. It’s odd behaviour. Grandad T loves his grandchildren dearly but would not have wanted to be left alone with them as babies.

I do not understand GP's wish to have alone time with their GC. I am just happy to see them on any terms. It is the parents job to bring them up and the GP's job to enjoy them but that does not necessarily mean on a one to one.

I was lucky enough to have the privilege of holding and looking after my GCs when they were babies, and I am grateful to my DIL for giving me the chance. But it was a gradual process and I had to earn that trust, just holding them whilst she was there at first, then watching or holding them whilst she was in the house (sometimes having a nap). Looking after them on my own didn't happen until much later. Your baby, your rules. Your FIL should respect that, don't let him make you feel guilty.

There shouldn't be any alcohol around children---the same as there shouldn't be any smoking----both dangers in their own way. It should be law such as smoking is.

Your baby, your rules. I don't understand those grandparents who push to babysit very young children. Spending any time with grandchildren is a privilege. Add into the mix that he's a heavy drinker and already nearly dropped her would be enough to say absolutely no. Just keep repeating your mantra ," we are not comfortable with that," or "No thanks for just now," or whatever makes sense. Ignore any muttering or get your partner to tell him that the more he complains, the less likely it will ever happen. Good luck.

I agree with you geekesse those were my thoughts when I read the post

Trust your instincts and act accordingly.
Your FIL may have the best of intentions but his heavy drinking alone would concern me .

He actually sees her a lot given the pandemic and restrictions. I would never be comfortable leaving him in charge - what if he fell holding her! If your MiL is there and taking charge fine however she is only 6 months and most mothers I know would not leave that young a baby with anyone for longer than you already have so you are looking out for your precious girl which is completely normal. Are you breast feeding as that gives an extra way out? All of my grandchildren were breast fed till 2 or longer and never stayed overnight unless mummy stayed too. Granted the older they got, the less they fed but bedtime feeds and overnight were sacrosanct. Even if you are using bottles I still think you are correct in not leaving her. My DH is fit and healthy but even now when youngest grandson is approaching 3, it is me who does the nappies, comforting, meals, teeth, putting to bed - he is not comfortable doing that.

I'm a gran who looks after thegrandchildren (along with my husband) while their parents go to work. This started from when they were about seven months old. I have 3 sons and feel that We've been very lucky that the DILs have been happy for us to spend the time with the children. However my view is that If it hadn't been for providing the childcare while the parents were working there really wouldn't have been the need to spend time looking after them alone at such an early age.
If your instincts are telling you no, for whatever reason, trust them.

I agree with other posters as well Sienmum go with your instincts. Your only concern is the welfare of your child, you are not responsible for the happiness or otherwise of your father in law. You and your husband need to be clear about this with your father in law.

All I can say is NO. Never, ever put anyone else’s’ needs, desires, or whatever else.....before your baby, and definitely not where alcohol is in the mix. It’s a shame...but it’s not your problem. It sounds like your FIL is aware of your concerns through your husband. Now it’s up to him to sort out. What Esspee said resonated with me too to be honest. It’s usually the grandmothers making demands as far as I can tell. Take care of yourself and your baby, and congratulations ?

If he is capable of walking at all suggest you all go for a walk with the baby in the pram. I don’t know why you and your husband would want to walk on your own when the baby could get fresh air too,

You are the mother and nobody else should pressurise you into allowing them to babysit. Just say no. I also am concerned that a man is doing the pressurising. This is not normal and a red flag in my book.

I agree, there's no reason in the world that your fil needs to be alone with his GD and you obviously feel this too. You have responsibility for your daughter so go with your instincts.

Call me suspicious...

When an older man is pushing hard for time alone with a small child, I’d be asking myself what his motives are... He sees this child frequently enough with family members around, so why does it have to be ‘alone’?

Can you think up some ways your FiL can help with the baby? Showing her some pictures or simple baby books? Or perhaps some sort of action toy she can watch? Something that only he does with her. Is your husband speaking to him at all or is he leaving it all to you?

Excellent advice from NellGSienmum and I hope you'll take it on board.

So many problems could be avoided or at least reduced if there is open, honest and civil communication. Your f.i.l. clearly knows that his weight is an issue which is why he's trying to do something about it.

It may be worth considering have that conversation along the lines of, due to your D only being 6 months old, you feel she's too young to be left for more than an hour with anyone else.

Has your f.i.l. lost weight? If so, you could encourage him saying how well he's doing and how much easier it will be for him to play with his GD when his weight is nearer to what it should be, when she's older.

His enthusiasm is touching but being pushy isn't right and I understand your concerns and frustration. You say you trust your m.i.l's abilities so would it be possible for you and/or your H to have a word with her, so she can put your mind at rest knowing that she will always be there with your f.i.l. when the baby is at their home.

I hope you and your H will be able to find a workable solution.