Mum Looking For Grans Advice

Gosh! Poor you! What a position to be in! Follow your gut. You and your husband are the parents and what you want is what goes. Maybe check out some assertiveness training to help deal with your FiL's pushiness.

Good luck x

He just wants one-to-one time with his precious granddaughter, I guess. But I don’t think it’s safe.. Obesity and alcohol - no, no, no, no.....He is so lucky to be able to see her 3 or 4 times a week. That should be good enough. You are a good daughter-in-law. Don’t feel pressurised.

Honesty is always the best policy. One of the reasons I lost my relationship with my son and daughter in law because they were unable to be straight with me about their expectations of me as a grandmother and by the time it all came to light too much damage had been done by too much resentment building over time.

You're the baby's mother, you get to say what happens with her. If you are genuinely concerned about her safety with your father in law then you have to sit down with him and have a very clear and honest conversation about your concerns. It will cause upset, it wont be easy but it is honest and respectful ( as long as you don't get into fat shaming and mention his weight only in relation to his ability to physically manage the baby). Don't let resentments build up, talk adult to adult about it. Good luck.

I guess he might be pressing so hard for this because has has got wind of how you feel about it - but your feeling is right. Don't be "guilted" or pressurised into doing anything that you are not happy about with your child.

This is a difficult situation for you but I am afraid you will need to stick to your guns - the drinking would be enough for me to say no.

Spot on CrazyH.

My arthritis means that I can't rise from sitting whilst holding anything much. When our last grandchild was born 2 years ago and we were arranging to childmind / babysit, I said that I could only do so if someone else (mainly my DH) was there.
I won't take a toddler out far either (garden is OK).
Two of us works well - I have the experience and DH can still move fairly freely.
The older grandchildren are very considerate of me and we can enjoy spending time together.

I don't want to upset you, but you really need to follow your own instinct on leaving your child with someone else, even a grandparent. 6 months is till very young, many parents don't leave their child until much older.
Different families, even within what looks superficially like the same culture, can have very different expectations. I think your idea of leaving her for very short periods (while MiL is around?) absolutely the right thing to do.
I would ignore the digs, unless they get to you so badly that you tell DH that unless your FiL stops, he won't get to babysit at all! It is not unreasonable to feel concerned about someone who is so pushy.

Excellent advice from NellGSienmum and I hope you'll take it on board.

So many problems could be avoided or at least reduced if there is open, honest and civil communication. Your f.i.l. clearly knows that his weight is an issue which is why he's trying to do something about it.

It may be worth considering have that conversation along the lines of, due to your D only being 6 months old, you feel she's too young to be left for more than an hour with anyone else.

Has your f.i.l. lost weight? If so, you could encourage him saying how well he's doing and how much easier it will be for him to play with his GD when his weight is nearer to what it should be, when she's older.

His enthusiasm is touching but being pushy isn't right and I understand your concerns and frustration. You say you trust your m.i.l's abilities so would it be possible for you and/or your H to have a word with her, so she can put your mind at rest knowing that she will always be there with your f.i.l. when the baby is at their home.

I hope you and your H will be able to find a workable solution.

Can you think up some ways your FiL can help with the baby? Showing her some pictures or simple baby books? Or perhaps some sort of action toy she can watch? Something that only he does with her. Is your husband speaking to him at all or is he leaving it all to you?

Call me suspicious...

When an older man is pushing hard for time alone with a small child, I’d be asking myself what his motives are... He sees this child frequently enough with family members around, so why does it have to be ‘alone’?

I agree, there's no reason in the world that your fil needs to be alone with his GD and you obviously feel this too. You have responsibility for your daughter so go with your instincts.

You are the mother and nobody else should pressurise you into allowing them to babysit. Just say no. I also am concerned that a man is doing the pressurising. This is not normal and a red flag in my book.

If he is capable of walking at all suggest you all go for a walk with the baby in the pram. I don’t know why you and your husband would want to walk on your own when the baby could get fresh air too,

All I can say is NO. Never, ever put anyone else’s’ needs, desires, or whatever else.....before your baby, and definitely not where alcohol is in the mix. It’s a shame...but it’s not your problem. It sounds like your FIL is aware of your concerns through your husband. Now it’s up to him to sort out. What Esspee said resonated with me too to be honest. It’s usually the grandmothers making demands as far as I can tell. Take care of yourself and your baby, and congratulations ?

I agree with other posters as well Sienmum go with your instincts. Your only concern is the welfare of your child, you are not responsible for the happiness or otherwise of your father in law. You and your husband need to be clear about this with your father in law.

I'm a gran who looks after thegrandchildren (along with my husband) while their parents go to work. This started from when they were about seven months old. I have 3 sons and feel that We've been very lucky that the DILs have been happy for us to spend the time with the children. However my view is that If it hadn't been for providing the childcare while the parents were working there really wouldn't have been the need to spend time looking after them alone at such an early age.
If your instincts are telling you no, for whatever reason, trust them.

He actually sees her a lot given the pandemic and restrictions. I would never be comfortable leaving him in charge - what if he fell holding her! If your MiL is there and taking charge fine however she is only 6 months and most mothers I know would not leave that young a baby with anyone for longer than you already have so you are looking out for your precious girl which is completely normal. Are you breast feeding as that gives an extra way out? All of my grandchildren were breast fed till 2 or longer and never stayed overnight unless mummy stayed too. Granted the older they got, the less they fed but bedtime feeds and overnight were sacrosanct. Even if you are using bottles I still think you are correct in not leaving her. My DH is fit and healthy but even now when youngest grandson is approaching 3, it is me who does the nappies, comforting, meals, teeth, putting to bed - he is not comfortable doing that.

I agree with you geekesse those were my thoughts when I read the post

Trust your instincts and act accordingly.
Your FIL may have the best of intentions but his heavy drinking alone would concern me .

Your baby, your rules. I don't understand those grandparents who push to babysit very young children. Spending any time with grandchildren is a privilege. Add into the mix that he's a heavy drinker and already nearly dropped her would be enough to say absolutely no. Just keep repeating your mantra ," we are not comfortable with that," or "No thanks for just now," or whatever makes sense. Ignore any muttering or get your partner to tell him that the more he complains, the less likely it will ever happen. Good luck.

There shouldn't be any alcohol around children---the same as there shouldn't be any smoking----both dangers in their own way. It should be law such as smoking is.

I was lucky enough to have the privilege of holding and looking after my GCs when they were babies, and I am grateful to my DIL for giving me the chance. But it was a gradual process and I had to earn that trust, just holding them whilst she was there at first, then watching or holding them whilst she was in the house (sometimes having a nap). Looking after them on my own didn't happen until much later. Your baby, your rules. Your FIL should respect that, don't let him make you feel guilty.

I do not understand GP's wish to have alone time with their GC. I am just happy to see them on any terms. It is the parents job to bring them up and the GP's job to enjoy them but that does not necessarily mean on a one to one.

geekesse

Call me suspicious...

When an older man is pushing hard for time alone with a small child, I’d be asking myself what his motives are... He sees this child frequently enough with family members around, so why does it have to be ‘alone’?

You and me both Geekesse. It’s odd behaviour. Grandad T loves his grandchildren dearly but would not have wanted to be left alone with them as babies.

Pretty consistent message absolutely to go with your instinct Sienmum but I'm wondering how you are seeing them 3 or 4 times a week in lockdown? Are you in the UK?

I haven't seen my grandchildren in months due to lockdown. We missed Christmas and the country's been locked down ever since. Why would you need a baby sitter anyway, I presume you're not working, you can't go out to 'shop' in the way we used to, if you want to go for a walk you would surely take her with you? Why does he think you need a sitter?
However apart from breaking the 'rules' and seeing his g daughter, this man is wanting to look after the little girl alone, and I ask myself WHY? Why alone? Where will the grandmother be?
If you are happy about the welfare issues, ask yourself 'how will he manage nappy changes'? Could you manage to engineer a time when she has a particularly dirty stinky nappy, and offer to 'show' him how to change a modern nappy (they will have changed from when his children were small) and see if he finds this disgusting or a reason for delight? His reaction may give some clues.