Where to live?

Thank you all so much. I really am so moved that you've been so generous with your time and your advice. My partner is my soul mate and I do love him so much. I told him that I'd sought advice on here and that overwhelmingly the consensus was that I was not being considerate and that I was not making the right choice. I've put my 'outburst down to covid + hormones for NOW. My daughter's moving end Feb and she's got her friends and her brother and his friends to help (I'm lucky they adore each other). I'm going up to her empty house to tidy up, as it's rented we also want to ensure she gets her deposit back. My covid jab is due shortly and hopefully it won't be too long before I can legally go and see them. My daughter has got a rental house (which I've agreed to pay 25% of as otherwise she couldn't afford to move). My sister is there and will be there, so all's working out. Since speaking to my partner in a less "confrontational" way he's a little less ardent in his stance too. So, all in all, I and we are in a much better place.
I really thank you from the bottom and even all of my heart for your support. I don't know any of you but feel such love is there, Thank you. Jackie xx

Good luck to whatever you have decided to do and that your future is secure. I hope your partner cannot claim on your inheritance.

Personally I would not move if my daughter was moving ...ha ha ...she hasn't spoken to me for 14 years.....but I have friends who have sold up, moved to be near one or other of their children .............then in a couple of cases the children have moved either to a different county, or even country and there is no way my friends can afford to move any more ! Some were visiting, say once a year, the USA, France, Spain ....but now of course they cannot see their children or grandchildren, as can no one ......one lady in particular is 96 and very lonely ...doesn't do Skype or Video calling and has had enough .........one whose son and family live in Australia would welcome her now she is a widow, BUT the Oz government would not, as they are afraid, as she gets older she would become a drain on their resources. The family assured them this would not be the case, as she would sell her house in the UK and live with the family, therefore would probably have enough money to pay healthcare, etc but still the answer is no .......its a very difficult decision. As for your partner saying NO .....would he/she have a say in selling the house you are in now ...if he/she is a partner rather than a spouse, and you leave the home, what would be the position as regards selling the home ? ...some difficult questions to answer ...on the one hand you could be ecstatically happy, on the other you may be alone and miserable if your daughter moves on .....consider it carefully and weigh up all the pros and cons you can think of, and in the end there is only YOU who can make that decision, important as if in future you find it was a wrong move, then you will have no one to blame but yourself ......

Initial reaction is that your partner and your mother should take priority. Your daughter and grandson are still young, and their life is still evolving, and they may yet move again. Also if you move to be close to them, and then aren’t happy, your daughter will feel very responsible for you, and maybe a little guilty, not what you’d want I sure. Visiting is easy in this day and age, and it would give you and your partner somewhere new to spend a few days while visiting them, and with both you and your mother in the same area they’re always going to have a reason to visit you as well. The one caveat however, is that if you are in anyway not happy in your current relationship ignore everything I’ve said, and rethink your plan with that in mind. Good luck. ?

First consider yourself hugged,lots of people want to help you,
now make a list pro’s and con’s———— I think what hurts the most is thinking of your grandchild far away.Have you got good friends to discuss this with or your Mum.Maybe consider counseling talking it through with an outsider may help.
Obviously you are,rightly,very hurt by your partner,hope this helps——- be kind to yourself,maybe see your Dr,incidentally if your iron is low it can make you feel down.
Good luck,thinking of you

It's your daughters decision to move where she is moving to and quite rightly as an adult she has made that choice - the same as she did not to move when you did.
It might be a different thing if she had asked you to move to help with the childcare, but I would guess she had already thought that out before making plans.
It is now time for you and your partner and sorry, but you have to let your daughter go - that is unless you are planning to spend the rest of your life trailing around after her for the rest of your life !
Your GC can come and stay when it is allowed and vice versa, you and your partner can visit also when allowed.

My daughter went to uni in Edinburgh, 6+ hours away. We spent most holidays in caravan on campsite near there. She worked there as well, now, 9 years after leaving, she moved back to this area. I was great exploring different areas of Scotland, while she was there. You say, your daughter went south. House prices a lot higher, the further south you go.
If you can, when you can, try and spend holidays there, get to know the area. Have fun!

From an outsider looking in, it sounds like you are trying to be there for everyone except yourself?
I hope you don’t mind me saying this?
Maybe you could talk to someone remote from your family and friends? Councillor perhaps? Work out what will make you happy? We are all responsible for our own happiness and responsible for our own life!
Find out what you need and make it happen! Be happy x

Jackie12, you sound like a lovely, caring person and appear to have always put others first. Try and take some time for yourself and think through your options carefully. I think you are right to feel upset about your partner's comments and his refusal to stick to your original plan to move to a "neutral" home. Why, I wonder, did you live apart for all these years, then move in with him? Whose idea was it? I got the feeling, correct me if I'm wrong, that it came from him and perhaps the promise of finding another joint home was a "sweetener".

As others have said, it's time you looked after you, emotionally and financially. Partnerships, whether married or not, can be wonderful and fulfilling, but they can also be draining and exhausting. Perhaps a chat with your partner about how he really sees your future as a couple may be in order. Good luck

Let your daughter go and live her life. Then maybe you can evaluate your own life. Cotswold to Devon less than 4 hours.

Have you actually calculated how much it costs apart from the house, it costs to move each time. Be patient and it will all work out.

I can understand your angst about your daughter but I would hold fire before making any plans to move! She might hate where she is going, may decide Uni isn't for her or want to move again when she has graduated.
If your plans were always to move to a "together" home, then you have a right to want to know if this has changed. It may be possible to buy a smaller place together where you both want to live and a little flat near where your daughter is so you have somewhere to stay when you want to visit. I don't know what your financial circumstances are so this might be totally out of the question.
Irregardless of what you do about your daughter, it seems you have to come to agreement with your partner regarding protecting your long term interests. You don't say what happened to the money from the sale of your house but if you have no title in his, I hope you have invested it safely. The legalities of living together leave you with very little protection and you shouldn't leave yourself vulnerable. If he dropped dead tomorrow, what would your situation be?

Sashabel

Just done a check on ViaMichelin, and the journey from Stratford upon Avon in the Cotswolds to Okehampton in Devon (roughly the centre of each area) is only 3 hours drive. It's about 4 hours 40 minutes from Manchester. I don't know which part of Devon your daughter is planning to go, or where you are based, but I think that you will be a lot nearer than you think. If she is planning to study at Exeter Uni, then that is only 2 hours 20 minutes from Stowe

The Cotswolds is 800 square miles in size. I don’t live too far - about 20 miles - and it took me 6 hours to drive to Cornwall, so Devon would be 5 hours. Don’t forget there are no direct motorways so the roads are single carriage, bendy and hilly.

Talk to your daughter. Ask if she is going to need childcare support...you may find you move - and she has it all arranged. Leaving you without your partner, friends or Mum xx

You need to remember your daughter will have her own life and new friends when she moves . If you are happy with your partner apart from this , I would stay put . Maybe going once a month for a long weekend to see your daughter . Other wise you could end very lonely in unfamiliar place and no friends .

lots of us have similar dilemmas,its tough to make sense of things at first.I was offered advice of good friends who said ,don't follow straight away,give yourself some time. which as i look back was sound sense.I went through a sort of grieving process for my grandkids, i wasn't too bothered about my son and DIL, after all they were the ones who left!
nearly 4 years on i feel once this covid is over i will follow them. You will have gains but there will be losses too, friends and what is familiar.Plus you will leave your mum behind.I visited my family often before covid but not so much now. Do i miss them? i would say i don't pine for them as much now, as i said it was those grandkids! you can also visit, it seems the time you spend with them seems more precious, although last time i was glad to get home! Writing plus and minus lists can help, but i feel these situations are more on an emotional level. Its a tough one,i used to think as you age, life should get easier!

Years ago when my first marriage was in trouble I was thinking of leaving. My best friend told me to write a list of all the good things and all the bad things in the marriage. That really helped me decide to leave. Try it for your situation it really helps

You could spend your life moving around, and how do you know your daughter won’t move again.

Your daughter is an adult and is very wisely moving on with her life by carrying on with her education. If childcare or your support had been essential then she could easily have found a course near to you. She chose what she needed and now you must respect that. Your mother is far more likely to need your help than your daughter and you have no compelling reason to end a successful relationship for worries that may have no basis. Let things unfold, see how life changes before you act, perhaps unneccesarily.

You sound a kind and generous person and you've done a wonderful and life changing thing for your grandson by supporting his mother at a vulnerable time. Whatever you decide now about moving, I think is less important than taking a serious look at yourself. Are you always the one who gives and gives and expects nothing of others. I am thinking of your partner here. If you valued yourself as much as you deserve you would not accept his behaviour. Best wishes.... it will be a tough road if you are not to keep relapsing.

Excellent advice already which I won’t repeat. Especially from Madgran77 who gave you lots of areas to consider.
Just one more point I am not clear on. Do you own a property? You said you gave your money your inheritance to buy a decent property and you moved in with your partner. Is it his house? You are not married, so who will inherit it if he dies first? Where will you live if you split up? I hope you are not thinking of moving in with your daughter, as she needs her independence.
Sorry if I have got the wrong end of the stick.
Do come back and let us know what you decide.

In the next month or so me and my husband will be moving to an area where hopefully my son and DIL and gc will also be moving so I wouldn't say don't move to be close to family - but the difference is that we would have moved there anyway - they are buying their first home and we persuaded them to look in the same area and they liked it too. If they moved on we would stay there. I will be moving with my husband (2nd husband) - yes we are married and did so very soon after getting together but if we hadn't done it then I can't see the need to do it now. Break your problem down into its separate parts to see what's really bothering you... I can see why you'd be worried about your grandchild. But his mum may move several times, meet a new partner, travel abroad... And unless you buy a caravan you can't follow her everywhere. You may decide to stay put in terms of area but to do that alone or with your mum...
Hope it all works out for you all ?

Annanan as long as you have independent finances that is fine. The problems arise when people think they have rights as common-law partner if the separate or one partner dies. They do not.

It’s time you had a deep inner conversation with yourself to find out what would make you the most happy. Your own happiness is paramount. You have done your bit.

I agree with Vintager
This is your time.

Hi Jackie,

I was with a man for a year who had decided he was NOT going to marry me and would tell anyone who would listen. I was very very hurt as he was quite happy to live in my house and even tried to talk me in to moving closer to where his kids were. I told him before Christmas that he needed to go. I felt stupid and used. My daughter lives in Leeds and wants me to go up there but I'll know no-one and don't want to be a burden to her. Do what YOU want to do.

Lots of decisions here! Maybe too many to tackle in one go. I think the first step is to let your daughter move. It’s her decision after all. Then see how things pan out.