Where to live?

I think your first loyalty is to your partner who is your immediate family. If you daughter is off to uni,in 3 year’s time she will likely move again anyway and you can’t just follow her around everywhere. It sounds harsh but 4.5 hours is not that far at all, certainly not by our standards here in Australia!

I think you should create your own life and not follow your daughter around while she lives hers. In a few years when she graduates, she may decide to move back to hometown. Or she may move even further away. Are you going to keep uprooting yourself to follow her? Does she even want you to do that?

Absolutely do not follow her! She's young, she'll get her degree, then who knows where she'll be off to, to begin her career! You can't follow her around everywhere. You can arrange occasional weekends away to visit her, and universities have long holidays when your daughter and grandson can have long visits to you.

I feel sorry for your partner. Do you love him? A 20 year relationship, and you're considering upping sticks, without him, to follow after your daughter?

Also, your mother isn't getting any younger, and may in future need you not too far away. Sounds like you need to think long and hard about this, before you make a decision you live to regret.

I agree with previous posters Jackie12 time to let your daughter get on with her own life while you concentrate on yours. Time to enjoy life with your partner and be there for your Mother.

We've been a similar distance away from our son more or less since he graduated. Visiting wasn't that difficult, by car or train, and when his marriage ended we were able to go and help him and to look after our grandchild at fairly frequent intervals - or he came to see us.

There will be weekends and holidays when you can visit your daughter or she might come 'home' for a few days. Being available to travel to grandson-sit in exceptional circumstances might be useful to your daughter, even if she doesn't have to call on you to do it.

I agree with the others, let her go and have her time at uni. She knows you're there for her. It's hard and you will miss them, but they'll miss you, too. When she graduates and finds a job, she'll be settled and you can review your situation and decide what's best.

I think the consensus here is let her go. Change is difficult, but so is life and although I've missed my family who live 200 miles away during lockdown we still chat and keep in touch. What concerns me more is your seeming disregard for your partner in this- you'd be willing to sacrifice that relationship? Maybe there's more going on- but it seems a bit unbalanced here. You have a life. Your daughter may move again, or she may move back. Your elderly mum also needs you. I don't see the dilemma here sorry.

Are you proposing to leave your partner in order to go where your DD has gone? - it sounds like that when you say that he wants to know if you are going or not.

I am assuming that you and your OH do not have a very close relationship. If that is so, then it leaves you free to go where you want when you want.

But have you thought how all this looks from your DD's point of view? Here she is, setting out on an exciting new phase of her life and her mother is wanting to follow her.....how weird is that? She is both an adult and a mother and it seems that you cannot let her go to get on with her life.

Really you cannot follow her around all her life.

Thank you ladies.
This is my first time posting and your words are really helpful.
When I moved in with my partner we agreed to look at moving to somewhere we could call 'ours' rather than his (with his ex wife). He knew i wanted to move down south (warmer and nearer the sea). Since being here he now says he doesn't want to move. I think im feeling duped and trapped. He knows a lot of ppl here but no real friends or hobbies, we both work from home, so I can't see why we can't move. It's cute here (Cotswolds) but lifeless.
I've moved around a lot, lived 12 years in Paris and moved back to UK to be near family following divorce with 2 babies (one being the daughter who now has my grandson) . Without family support I don't know how Id've coped. My parents had split up and when my dad became terminally ill I became his main carer for 6 yrs until his death. My mom knows I would do the same for her (if she wanted or needed), I have 2 sisters but one is in Yorks the other is in Devon (where DD is moving to) neither have kids and neither have done much for our parents tbh. Our dad left us his money and I gave my share to mom so she could afford to move to somewhere less grotty (my sisters - both big earners were outraged at my decision).
When my gs was born DD was living at home with me. I was her birthing partner. She wanted to put gs up for adoption and struggled for first year, during which time I did 80% of rearing while she came to terms with it. She's now a great mom and covid has enabled her to be furloughed and bond with gs. We're still close, I zoom weekly with gs and DD texts me a few times a week.
I guess I want to have it all: a life, a partner, be there for my DD and GS aswell as mom (looking to buy somewhere to accommodate her in the future should she want that).
A few months ago, a friend asked when we were going to tie the knot. Before I'd even digested the question he retorted 'Never. Been there.' I felt so hurt. I put it down to him being put on the spot but when we spoke about it later he said 'if you want someone to marry you're wasting your time with me - it won't happen - end Of.'
So, I guess the question in my post is more complex than I realised - now my thoughts have spilt out on 'paper'. Or is it a Rona-menopause cocktail.
Sorry to be so down - this really isn't like me at all.

Sounds like you need to sort out the issues in your relationship before making a decision about moving Jackie12.

Sounds as if you have opened a can of worms! Good luck.

I suggest that you need to work through various issues separately initially. And in each case do a list of pros and cons side by side top help you draw some conclusions

1. Your partner:
- Do you want to be with him? Yes/No
- Why do you want to be with him/not be with him?
- What do you gain from the relationship?
- What do you lose from being in the relationship?
- Do you want to be in a married relationship? If yes, why? If no, why?

2. Do you want to move house? Yes/No
- where would you like to live? Why?
- Is your choice about the place or the people?
- If the people, how would you feel if they moved?
- if people, which is more important to you ...being in a partnership or being near your daughter?

3. Moving to Devon or staying put
- Pros of moving to Devon? Cons of moving to Devon
- Pros of staying put? Cons of staying put?
- Moving to Devon alone - Pros/Cons
- Staying put alone - Pros/Cons

In each of these and any other areas you identify, ensure that you think about the pros and cons both for your present situation AND for future possibilities/responsibilities eg. your daughter/grandson moving; your Mum needing care

And this whole big decision time is too important to dismiss as a "Rona-menopause cocktail"! Good luck

Thank you so much for spending so much time on this for me. I'm quite an intelligent, professional woman and so used to being in control and giving advice to others. But I feel so overwhelmed and even tearful that you've given me your time and support. I will certainly consider very carefully your suggestions. Thank you for being there.

I think you're right. Thank you. X

Jackie12 We ALL need support sometimes when we can't see the wood for the trees! PM me if you would like to chat in more detail

Madgran has posted some good questions and you have to decide if you would want to move to Devon even if your daughter was not going to university there. Would the plan be to stay there if she moved away afterwards?
Has she asked you to move there for help with childcare?

She will be starting a new life there - unless she has asked you to move I wouldn't let that enter into the considerations.

How much does your relationship mean to you - are you more committed than your partner? Or are you thinking of ending it anyway because of his attitude towards marriage?

My daughter and grandson are now moving to the south (4h30 away)
It would only take 4.5 hours from the Cotswolds to Devon on a bad day I think ie holiday weekends unless you are travelling by public transport.

Wow Jackie12 you've really supported your daughter and helped her to get to a good place if she'd been thinking of putting her baby up for adoption.

Try and wave her off with a proud heart as she and her son set off on this new adventure together. Well done you.

Time now to look a bit closer to home and decide what you want for your own future.

You should hear your partner. This doesn't mean not give any importance to your daughter. You can visit her if you miss her a lot. But do not want to change your place. Because your daughter is young and she may again change her location in another year, because she may more concerned about her job , her child's education .... What should you do in such situations? You can't go with her in every situation. You now only concern your age and your partners choice.

In an emergency you can still help your daughter out, but meantime stay where you are. She will find new friends to rely on in her new place.

I think you should let you daughter fly so to speak, she’s got her own life to lead, what’s to say she won’t move again in a few years, I always find it a bit strange when people decide to move to same areas as there AC , Are you going to do this an up sticks every time she moves, let her have her independence, I’m not suprised your partner can’t stand this uncertainty , why should he move! I would be concentrating on my partner and make a life with him, it’s not as if your daughter is that far away after all

I agree with other posters here. You've given DD and DGS a wonderful start together, now let them move on, with visits from and to you. It's not such a long distance to travel. We used to live in York and thought nothing of travelling down south to see our family and friends, whereas you'd think most of them were going on an expedition into space coming up to see us; it's all matter of mindset. Uni holidays will give ample opportunity for them t stay with you. Of course if you are not happy with DH then that is different; time to sort that out first. I wouldn't worry about a kneejerk 'been there done that never again' response, it's not necessarily representative of how he actually feels, but even if he doesn't want to marry again, does that matter hugely to you? Good luck whatever you decide, but I do think your daughter is likely to move again after she graduates.

It's so hard but I would not follow her. I have done everything I possibly could for my daughter and when it came time I needed help I received zero. It opened my eyes, my problem is I have a four year old granddaughter I am mad about. But I feel extremely used now. Do not do something that could ruin your life to help your daughter who as others have said will no doubt go on yo do her own things afterwards. Where would that leave you then, alone .

I think a loving and caring man would have said something more gentle about marriage. My man would do anything to make me happy..every woman deserves that.

Your DD made her decision and you respect that. She must surely assessed all the implications for her move for herself and others. There is no guarantee her University course will go as planned or when completed there may be a need to move elsewhere for a job. You need to let her go, give her credit for knowing what she is doing get on with your life, visit when you can, and look forward to attending a graduation.

Just done a check on ViaMichelin, and the journey from Stratford upon Avon in the Cotswolds to Okehampton in Devon (roughly the centre of each area) is only 3 hours drive. It's about 4 hours 40 minutes from Manchester. I don't know which part of Devon your daughter is planning to go, or where you are based, but I think that you will be a lot nearer than you think. If she is planning to study at Exeter Uni, then that is only 2 hours 20 minutes from Stowe